25 days

I haven't had a cigarette in almost a month. I have to take time to remind myself I didn't feel like that would be possible more than a month ago. I was smoking in the middle of a massive fire that left the town I live in decimated with thick orange smoke. It looked like armageddon outside, the air quality was completely unhealthy to the point I stopped exercising outside and joined a gym with a basketball court in the middle of the pandemic just to be able to maintain the physical progress I had been making. With all that, I couldn't stop myself from taking down cigarettes, and unlike previously in my life, I was doing so at an alarming rate. I didn't think I would be able to stop, but here we are. I felt a lot of shame about this. I felt defeated about this. But, I was able to overcome all these feelings and follow through with a lofty goal I had for myself. I've come to realize that while the circumstances to accomplishing this goal may have changed to make things "easier" or "harder" It was ultimately on me whether I wanted to do what was necessary to fulfill this goal in my life. Such reflection comes courtesy of being able to look inwardly/outwardly simultaneously in order to maintain the progressions I've made and analyze the journey of my partner. Our settings while similar do have differences, and I am able to not entertain that or those which may be detrimental to me extending my streak and continuing with my progress. It is frustrating watching something abusive- for lack of a better word, take place that you can't directly prevent or influence. The thing I don't understand is why the people that are in your life can't be anchors and or buffers that keep you where you need to be, and forestall you from the things that are toxic. Why can't addiction be taken as serious as it should be by the people that should care enough to do just that?

I am happy with my progress. I am frustrated with the lack of such by others around me. I would remove those people if that meant I could feel some form of solidarity but I'm not ready yet, and neither is she. Definitely not her. I didn't ask to be anchored down by family that isn't mine, but I guess I knowingly engaged with the outcome without seriously considering what it would mean for me. Now the only way for me to regain control or some semblance of it, is to exercise that with the people in my life. Whether that can affect others by proxy is a mystery I'd like to know the answer to, but whether or not that is the case, I know that as more time passes the decision will be made for everyone. And I've seen time heal a lot. It's said it will heal all; something I'm willing to believe because I'm living it. 

An aside when it comes to the battling of addictions. It wasn't something that just happened over night. There was a process that involved thinking about the change I wanted to make. There were things that I implemented to provide myself with tangible proof of progress.  Things that had nothing to do with he action at hand. Exercising. Consistently meeting smaller goals. And while I have stopped doing some of those things as consistently I would hope (while undergoing a period of essentially recharging my own battery), I have maintained the focus and discipline not to continue to do the things I don't want to do. I guess I can look at it like I developed a muscle and now I'm strong enough to lift that weight without too much strain or effort. I don't think about what I'm not doing so much as I think about why people around me aren't able to follow my lead. With all that said, I know I just want to be at a certain point when I'm able to see my family again. Not just with my wellbeing concerned but financially as well. Here's to another 25 markers on that trip. 

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    -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Clean Living on The Straight Edge

I had to let my thoughts collect before I could figure out why I was bothered so much. The argumentative behavior. The borderline abusive manipulation of random aggressive negative emotions. It became clear quickly that I had been riding shotgun (literally in most cases) to someone's own losing battle with sobriety, and I didn't like what that ultimately meant for me. I found myself being berated at an alarming rate in an even more alarming way. The things said didn't just ding my sense of overall accomplishment having just completed another hard working week at my job. They hurt my sense of well-being. The image I had felt all week dealing with coworkers, not to mention the energy transferred back and forth over the phone interacting with customers was being ceremoniously torn down. That would be something I could handle just fine in most cases, but this time it was coming from someone I was truly excited to see. Truly excited to just be around and have a good time and a few laughs with. My wife. It's no wonder that by the end of the night she would turn me standing up for myself and the sober way of living she said she wanted implemented would see her announcing herself to "feel like a single woman now". I barely registered this statement with a response other than, "okay" but it hurt man. This was normally the type of thing that would have me turn to some kind of substance to drown out that kind of pain. I spent all week fighting my brain and realizing that me not being sober wasn't good for me, nor was it good for her. and my continued path down a selfish self-medicating road needed to stop. I did this while battling withdrawals and the obligatory blanket of depression that follows after a good binge. I was done, in my head at least. No longer chasing that feeling. No longer expecting the scoring of drugs to provide some unknown adventure. I guess I grew up. So when I was picked up and in a few short minutes of confusion realized my wife was drunk (though she would never admit it. The slurring of words and wobbly driving were all-- and always are a dead giveaway) I was upset. Disappointed more like. I came to realize I didn't want to be around or associated with that version of her or anyone else for that matter because the truth of the matter is I'm extremely weak to fight against it. I kept asking myself if it was so important and if all the things she's said about me not being sober were true, then why was she sitting here after having had who knows how many drinks (the contents of the plastic to-go cup from the family restaurant were filled with a whisky coke she made for herself and snuck out of work upon leaving) asking me if I wanted to go to the bar. Long before I wanted to start being sober, I wanted to stop drinking. I realized I had only kept that habit going as a last resort of not staying in my own right mind, and as a way to partake in something that she loved or at least gravitated towards. So I guess I'm saying I feel betrayed being shown what I've known for awhile now. She didn't get high or drunk because I wanted to. She did because she couldn't control or stop herself from doing it anyway. It was my own decision to tag along or have my own desires to score some drugs that were zeroed in on and then later used as the cause of the problem to give her an easy out. And maybe that's why I had this feeling of sadness and anger in me. I don't like who she is when she drinks. She's curt. She's insensitive, and normally I'm right there with her responding with defensive fury. Tonight was different for me. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of being fought with. I'm tired of being abandoned. I'm tired of being blamed. The world won't know because I'd never purposefully try to put her in a bad light, or expose her for others to pile on with their negative opinions, but damn that sucks man. I wish I had someone to speak to. I just know I've seen the world one way for my own reasons and I lost control in front of people I thought I could trust to protect me at the very least. It hasn't been about that for awhile now, and I've just only began to smarten up. I can be such an intelligent dumb person sometimes and I'm ready to take steps to redesign the person I am fully. I have to be careful knowing how fragile everything can be. I can't ruffle any feathers or speak to earnestly because I'm not in control of anything here. I want to return home, maybe not physically but be present in a way I used to be. I have to first become someone I'm a little less ashamed of, and I won't let her gas lighting prevent me from that any longer. I owe that to myself at the very least.


This is a promise to myself. Hopefully I don't break it, but if I should sometime in the near or distant future, I'll be here to update the journey.


Yours forever,


RDH The...























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    -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Plumb Dumb

Basically... Here.


"... I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say, and you can't take back what you've taken away. Cause I feel you. I feel you near me..."


Plumb









_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

So a friend said...

A bunch of stuff. What stood out to me the most was this, which is, absolutely terrifying when you think and consider the relationships you allow yourself to get into.

crime of passion n. a defendant's excuse for committing a crime due to sudden anger or heartbreak, in order to eliminate the element of "premeditation." This usually arises in murder or attempted murder cases, when a spouse or sweetheart finds his/her "beloved" having sexual intercourse with another and shoots or stabs one or both of the coupled pair. To make this claim the defendant must have acted immediately upon the rise of passion, without the time for contemplation or allowing for "a cooling of the blood." It is sometimes called the "Law of Texas" since juries in that state are supposedly lenient to cuckolded lovers who wreak their own vengeance. The benefit of eliminating premeditation is to lessen the provable homicide to manslaughter with no death penalty and limited prison terms. An emotionally charged jury may even acquit the impassioned defendant.

See also: manslaughter  murder 



Y'all better chill.

#AntiDomesticViolence

















_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Methods

If I could tell you everything you'd know by now.

Scolded child.
Go vo-la-tile
Erase that smile
Oh ya piled
More bullshit
Pullin sores
Ripping doors
Within your
Sickened core's
Depicted 4

1 is more. 

Truth enforced. 

My accord. 

Lonely; poor...

#SoMuchToSay

Finality

Finality:

[fahy-nal-i-tee]

noun, plural finalities for 2.

1.

the state, quality, or fact of being final; conclusiveness ordecisiveness.

2.

something that is final; an ultimate act, utterance, belief, etc.

If it means something, let it mean everything.

_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

StaringAtTheLaunchPad

https://www.facebook.com/iLLerMoreStupidDOPE/posts/1550238911701025

What a week... 

YaMaps

"...They don't love you like I love you..."

True or not?

#Weight

DOUBLE L os

I did it. I gave in and gave you everything as a result. It felt amazing. I felt a connection. I went to sleep; woke up feeling unprotected. Wasn't a dream, but you didn't catch it...

So back to the first step.
You ready?

Would you still be you to me if the curtain was pulled back? How close are you willing to get?

Here's to looking up at you, kid.

Everybody's locked Down now.

Behold what a mention can do. Thanks B.

RQ

Lean Back
Whatever U like
Sleep on the floor
U don't have 2 call remix
Why you wanna
Free Will
PRhyme

Plus one classic R&B joint...

*A PreSummer Night Theme*

F it... #SoGoneChallenge

_ _
  -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Post 2014

First off, thank you for putting up with me the way you do. Patience is an anomaly in far too many attempts to integrate another's life into your own. Finding those willing to exercise it consistently with grace and understanding, deserve all the appreciation I'm able to give. I know I've been falling short, because I KNOW I've put myself first

But the battery in my back, will ya?

_ _
    -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

ShadesOfGrae

It's going to be a struggle for me to break habits that are engrained in the strings that weave the cloth I'm made of together. I see a bit more clearly (I should look up and find a way to word that much better) that these habits are as much a product of who and what I'm around as they are my own lack of control. Nobody said bettering yourself is easy though. So far so good, although I can't help but wonder if my control is more a product of my current situation. If that were the case, should it even matter? I've seen a lot of change happening around me these last few months, no, the last year and a half. How do you react when you know you are at the epicenter of a change that's currupt? That's certainly nothing to be proud about... Unless you're some kind of maniacle villain; even then, those types usually have some moral dilemma their faced with to create a new ethos to live by.

It's sad when you see things slipping away from you; while others have had things taken, I've had the displeasure of watching things fade slowly. Now I know why the merciful end things quickly. The toll these interactions have started to take on me is probably the most necessary thing that I can pinpoint. It's hardened me some, yes, but make no mistake about new stance. I'm doing what's necessary; not what's expected of me.

An update just came across the top of my phone from an old friend. Not an update to me, just a peak into his life. I guess what he deemed important to share. I took a break from sharing because it felt like nobody cares, or they simply couldn't understand. Being misunderstood is a different kind of hurt though, and I'll have time to flesh thoughts out on that matter when the time is right. I chose to stay in THIS Heartbroken chapter because I am. Strides have been made, but I can't rightfully say the book has been closed...

There's still some moving to do.

Lastly, I think I may have found a new title to get lost into. Thanks Jean and Green. #Grae

I didn't press send

So I have a BIIIIIG mouth. Shout out to Pac, but seriously. I've found it easier to bury my frustrations in places people don't even know to look. Biting my tongue will be hard for sure. Especially when I hear and see people speaking so freely with no regard to how hard their words hit. Guess it's time to be the bigger mute.

I'm in the process of looking back to look forward, and what I'm finding isn't at all cute or polished. With that said, once I'm done (with this) I'm done. Those that stood taking granted for his mansion will just have to deal with that.

To the Sky and Back

I just found the instrumental to all my current frustrations (Thanks Dilla!).  Now, anyone who has a problem with me stand over here.

*points down*


Cool.

Anyone that has a problem with my writing stand over there.

*points left*

Anyone that has some unresolved business with me stand over yonder.

*points right*

Anyone that has love for me stay here.

*holds heart*

^
^
^
With that stated, I'm now more equipped to deal with this (baby). If it's misunderstood I have to admit I kind of expect it nowadays.

*Looks up*

Bernie Mac (RIP) is hilarious. *sighs* Happy got sad for a moment.

Sucks.


_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Ah

So it seems I'm sowing seams just to do so, but honestly I'm curving the desire to write because I don't want the truth to come out tonight. Even as I type these sentences not really knowing where to go. It just flows...


Shouts to Lupe.

Matter of fact shout out to all my favorite emcees. It's been a good minute and 2012 was NOT funny as hell (anyone?). Anyway, as it grows harder for me to subject myself to music that subjects myself in the negative I drift. I'd like to stop for a second to catch 2013 with some well deserved body blows, but admittedly it's a little harder to get down with the get down, til you can't get down no more. Dig?

I'm trying to hold on with everything I have inside me, because to see this love go? Nah, it wouldn't be good.







_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Skills... Sold... Truth... Told

I've grown weary over the last few years of looking at what was done. I've taken a keen interest in the path the subject takes to gain the 'what'. HOW was it done? I guess, being someone who's always been overlooked or reconsidered due to the tag attached to a name does that. In other words, skills never told the tale for me and mines. It should have, but that's not the world we live in. So HOW did we get there?

I have to laugh to myself having the foresight to make yet another video game reference (they've started to build up in my writing), but it fits and is the only way I can assure I'm still smarter than need be. Not at all alarming that I could subject what I'm doing into what I'm believing or not. I just want people to stand in agreement. One arm holding themselves as it props the other ever so gracefully to be perched atop their respective chins. Nodding with trance-like focus, because what they've discovered is what I've always known.

Save the punchline there. ^ ^

If I'm hit I'll gain SOMETHING! If I hit you I'll gain more of something, so what is so special about the 'something'? Everything is so contexualized, which is cool until you become the lone individual compartmentalizing each 'thing'/item in its proper form and place (context).

Yeah, it's been a minute. So it's only right if I allow mandate for change. Trying to accept comfortability amidst chaos while whistling while you work. Quite honestly, there's too much work to be done to be content on the couch. Unless ******

^
(I couldn't find something that made me feel more clever.)

is UP on the same couch helping me out.

I lost it, bummer.





_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Clean up

Thank God, I'm breathing. I'm sitting here thinking about what drugs would numb the pain best. I'm dead tired, but I can't sleep with peace of mind. I'm scarred by what I'm scared of. Scarcity is a frequent reminder of what was this time last year, and the road out of that hole has been a long one... I wish I had some kind of booster to get me thorugh today. In my my right mind, I'm barging through the door.

Definitely between realities, where you see and what you understand is probably more dependent on where I see you. I hate being in a situation that I can't pull another out of. Normally is the other way around and I'm left going heads my own devices. I'm getting a little better at writing so say my peers. Very cool indeed... Beyond exhausted, but I'll wake up whenever I pass out...  LIfe man.











_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

This FEELS right!

The things I think about when I'm writing... I mean waiting. Either way, my thoughts are quickly going to shift to how difficult this current interraction is going. I'm not sure if i like it, but then again, autocorrect hasn't been proven to increase one's receptiveness to the English language. Flatly put, I'm improving under the guise of my own reception.

I wanted to be critiqued. To have enough clout to cause others to care, but that's much easier said then done. Learning that lesson is one for the monotonous and tired  all at once. Leaving all mistakes because they are backed with hidden meanings to me. No dice, but I have two.



_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Professor of ?

Emeritus ( /ɨˈmɛrɨtəs/; plural emeriti; abbreviation emer.) is a post-positive adjective used to designate a retired professor, bishop, or other professional. The female equivalent, emerita (/ɨˈmɛrɨtə/), is also sometimes used, but phrases such as professor emerita are not in proper usage according to Latin grammar rules.

History

In many cases the term is conferred automatically upon all persons who retire at a given rank. This is the usual case for retiredprofessors. In other cases, it is used when a person of importance in a given profession retires or hands over the position so that his former rank can still be used in his title.

In the United States, the word is used either as a postpositional adjective (e.g., "professor emeritus"), or as a preposition adjective (e.g., "emeritus professor"). There is a third usage, although not employed as often, in which the word follows a full title (e.g., professor of medicine, emeritus.)

It is also commonly used in business and non-profit organizations to denote perpetual status of the founder of an organization or individuals who moved the organization to new heights as a former key member on the board of directors (e.g., chairman emeritus; director emeritus; president of the board emeritus.)

In the United Kingdom and most other parts of the world, the term 'emeritus professor' is given only to a person who has already had full professorial status before he or she retired. Those with Ph.D.s or other higher degrees would not be entitled to call themselves an 'emeritus professor' upon retirement. The term "Professor Emeritus" is also recognised in the UK. The word is capitalized when it forms part of a title which is capitalized.. The word is capitalized when it joins another capitalized word.

Emereri is a compound of the prefix e- (a variant of ex-) meaning "out of" or "from" and merēre meaning "earn." The past participle ofemeritus is emereri meaning to "earn one's discharge by service."^{[citation needed]} Emeritus does not necessarily indicate that the person is retired from all the duties of her/his previous positions; he/she may continue to exercise some of them.

*whistles*

(1-Way Ticket)

_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Suppose a Question

^
^
^
Here's a lesson in how my mind is a little bit different then yours. Read the title. What does it say? Now I'm sure you answered 'correctly' (let me not even get into the inside of the insider that joke resides). My answer is different. Ask me about it, or don't. Either way I just did what I I I spose to!!



(1-Way ticket)




_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)