Idiotic ish,

Why does every1 think this is me? I know I speak in 1st person but it's a trip from the mind in which it's created to the fingertips to the screen you read it from. People keep threatening me to be out indefinitely. You gotta understand while that may actually be something I'm terrified of, it's happened time and time again. Which means, there's obviously something causing it, and secondly, I'm not a stranger to the sh1t. Besides threatening me just makes me push for the outcome.

I'm definitely the speed off the cliff and try to figure out what to do before we crash into the ground type. F*ck the dashes.

So much I don't understand, and it's definitely not peace over here. I'm still trying to get over the fact you can think yourself into an unhealthy submission. Stress is 1 hell of a killer. Asthma too.

I'm on the verge of losing another friend. As soon as I type that I'm prompted to "say bye right now..." I don't understand people. There's so much I don't understand...

Living through mazes shouldn't be this fun though, I'll give myself that  much. I've LIVED while dying. So it's literally f*ck how people feel, I've had fun through the darkest days. Dark days will lend way to lighter 1's I believe that.


Let me pose this question: If I take words from some1 and write them out without crediting that person, what are you left with? Words right?

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That's the main reason I can't f*ck with peoples' opinions a lot of the time. It's so EASY for me to hate on people, it really is. Best example of this comes when I mention Big Sean. Dude is wack. That's MY opinon, I don't like him. However, you won't ever here me say he can't rap, because that's a flat out lie. He's nice with it and no amount of personal feelings will cause me to change that stance.

People I associate with aren't this way at all. Example of this is liking a basketball team because dude's 'hot'. Lol Or a rapper... Either way the thing that's important (to me) is usually grossly overlooked. So it lends me to think that I shouldn't inquire about those type of things from that group.

I'm done though.

Title it.



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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Thank you... Alcohol??

I think my consumption of alcohol is going to go way up, on some happy hour sh1t. Was never a problem before, but damn Tony Rock is convincing as hell. Now he's talking about weed... Uh oh. FAT TONY!
Jess didn't get the last whatever entry it was about Kansas and simultaneous blogging. I CAN WALK AND CHEW GUM! I found that out today believe it or not lol

I was checking my blog out from my phone. It looks *so muf*ckin' gorgeous!*  really happy at the moment. If you've been following me from the beginning you can see remnants of the very 1st blog everywhere, then there's the last version, now this... It's just right.

There comes a time in most every night I have to decide what I will or won't do. I wish I could always be deciding to do something but that's not the case. I'm not special or anything it's that way for most everybody I imagine.

I never understood why people will tell me what I meant when I said or stated something. The reason this it's so hard for me to understand is because I've never really been 1 to hold what I'm feeling back when I want to... No. When I've been ushered to the point of 'speaking up or out' I don't hold very many punches is what I'm saying. I don't mind being wrong, just as long as you can explain to me both angles. Goes back to the whole 'why' thing.

With that being said, and ironically having these situations fall into the same categories with the same people, I can't understand this. What reason do I have to lie when I say I was coming from a different perspective when I said something or wrote that?

It'd be difficult but I could break down why what where with anything you place in front of me that I wrote. I f*cking wrote it, don't play with me.

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Or keep calling me a liar and see how far that ride gets us. I need relationships in my life and I'm aiming to have the most important 1 salvaged, so why I'm standing in my situation alone is beyond me. It's not about the glitz and glamor of being able to say I'm right. I just want to be happy. I'm working on myself so I can work on the other important things.

Important to understand.

An interaction just made me realize something. It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it if 1 already feels threatened and or disrespected. I realize that cursing with a smile on my face may be foreign to some, I'm just tired and unwilling to hold that part of me back anymore. Is that so bad?  I mean if it is, cool, agree to not be able to take what I have inside of me. Cause I'm clearly stating ya'll vagina's are too sensitive.

Now I'm quite angry.

I HATE when people ignore what I'm saying when by doing so they directly undermine the reason behind why I'm speaking. There are reasons for everything.






"That's what I get..."



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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

P.S.5

I had a problem ran to the blog to solve it peeped the clock/
Goin all in, nope people watching had to stop/
Or rather plot a new scheme for the theme describing my scene/
It's my thing you wasn't prying deep while I was crying/
No sleep no money just creeps laughing with trees/
I'm hungry with plenty to eat nobody's laughing with me/
Disastrous disease but I'm rattling free/
Been through enough to believe I've actually seen plenty/




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Calculated.



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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

To those that know.

What's the difference between an open heart and a broken heart? Nothing the only difference is 1 sounds better than the other. Thanks Chuck.

What's the difference between being fired and quitting? 1 of the perspectives changes, along with the benefits you may or may not be able to get (sex/f*cking).

What's the difference between losing some1 you care about, and watching them storm out of your life? Same as the 1st question. Nothing 1 sounds better, the outcome is still the same.

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Scrutinize these all you want, because I know that I have my mind made up. Monday morning, after waiting like I said I wouldn't but knew I would anyway the decision has been made for me. So now I'm packing my things and preparing to do the traveler's journey thing all over. Bike, foot, or vehicle it doesn't matter.

I'll have everything I need, and everything I don't want will be ignored.

I've always told kids I coached, "you should be happy your hearing my voice, if I wasn't saying anything to you then you 'd have a reason to worry because that would mean I don't care."

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Well, not to say I don't care but yeah, curtains.

Watch my phone mysteriously stop working. F*ck it, I must be writing. I plan to be writing, so yeah, I'm writing.











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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

*Tupac Voice*

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This is anothes blog about changes. Too much. I need Pac aqui asap though.

A lot of new changes popping up as I already explained. The biggest 1 taking place very soon is the number of posts being shown on 1 page. I OD'd with the number beforehand because people weren't paying any f*cking attention. It was my own little way of saying F you, don't lie to my face. Now that I'm over that, the numbers will be reduced significantly. Probably down to 5 or 6. That seems about right if I can keep up the pace.

The blog archives are now ALLLLLLLLLLLL the way at the bottom. There's a page link to the side, but I haven't figured that 1 out yet. Basically there's going to be a bunch of new 'randoms' on here, and they won't be very random at all. Pictures included.

I told you my creating writing is getting out of hand. Grab a clue. They are everywhere! Lol






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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

When?

I woke up way too early off a small amount of sleep and I wasn't stressing that fact 1 bit. I woke up with strange question though. If the end is the end, when do you part ways? When do you say goodbye??

There's 1 thing I'm actually trying not to do, and unfortunately I'm probably prone to doing it anyway. Hurting people I care about it is something I wish to NEVER do. I do it often sure, but I try to learn from my mistakes. It's not something I'm proud of, but I am proud to say that I am always on a path to
changing for the better.

There are more than a few situations where I've taken the low road and decided that the feelings of some I cared about weren't important enough to give f*cks about. I have since came back to my senses, apologized, and tried my best to live out that apology. So if it's the end, I just want to do this the best way possible for you. I know it seems kind of weird but I've been 'missing' from the house for a very precise reason.

I don't want to be unfair to people, and unfortunately when you do spend as much time with a certain group things are expected of you. I have brothers too now, though what's gone on between us has ALWAYS gotten in the way of what that relationship should mean, could mean. I still have to consider those people. I've tried believe me, I've gone both ways and down both paths, but I still find myself stuck morally.

There should be no show put on for any1. That's how I feel, but something tells me people haven't disclosed information correctly. I don't know how I feel about that. On 1 hand, hey great things are the 'same'. On the other things aren't the same we both know it, and we're very close to doing something permanent about it. Well more permanent then what's already been done.

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This is a great time to mention that I don't trust much of any1 anymore. Not that people did anything wrong (they did), but people have shown me the truth. I've tried to ignore it like out in Kansas but we know how that story ended.

I don't want to walk around feeling like that, but I don't want to walk around feeling a bunch of things. I guess I want to be able to deal better, hide more. People really don't need to know how I'm feeling, the more I realize that the better I think I'll be. I'm good doing what I'm doing right now

(so lately 'write now' and 'righting' are occurring A LOT d(-__-)b )

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That's my whatever the music's playing look. (And it is =) )


I just don't want the backlash that comes from saying "yes, I am changing the person you used to know. The person you may have fallen in love with at some point. That dude, probably won't exist anymore." You'd think that'd be cause for celebration or something...

You really gotta bear with me, not like many read anyway, I'm just trying to make up for all the stuff I'm erasing (ie. editing out) of these entries, people don't realize this is actually therapeutic to me. Dead*ss.

In Kansas me, Kiki, and Rora would sit in a room very close proximity's and individually create different blog entries that had nothing to do with the others. It was fun, we were together but separate and distant while being extremely close. Well that was the 'wave'. It helped, believe it or not Kansas is a tough spot to be in if the chips aren't right. Just a memory I remembered, dorm room blogging. Good stuff...

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I've been doing this for sometime so I know where I'm going when I'm lost here. It doesn't matter I just keep GOING! That's the key most still haven't turned to open the door and discover what's on the other side.  Just try to keep going regardless.








~~~FREE CHARLES HAMILTON!~~~





Back to the topic. People I care about I don't want to hurt you, so know I'm trying at every turn. Every time I get an opportunity to better myself I'm taking it, for you and myself. I plan to build ME up so I can finally build YOU up.

Funny thing about this blog is that's what it was supposed to do. I was feeling pretty out there in Kansas, and I wanted others feeling like me to know 'hey, it's cool ya'll we got this'. It ended up being something much more. I discovered unless your in a position to help yourself your probably just blowing hot air.

I feel like the timing is right though, and I can finally stop talking like a psycho. Just watch what I do with a little bit of opportunity. I've been saying for the longest I just needed a foot in the door. I got that, albeit wrong door (for me) but it's still an opportunity I'm about to kill.

If people are still with me by the end of THIS journey, it'll pay off in more ways then 1.

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Lol Who actually believes that?

Dead*ss though, what I AM in the minds of others needs to be established quickly.

*N1gga I'm really high off the Heem, The Haze*





*She's the color of the sun, the pedals of a daisy, I LOVE the color yellow on my lady*

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Blog inspiration if you were wondering.

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Finally Rest.

I will go use my comfortable bed and while doing so, I will not feel guilt or shame poking at me telling me to get up. I looked up at the clock it was 11:50. I looked up at the clock again it was 1:30. This is the type of sh1t I'm talking about. I stopped checking the phone, it was too much. All the good stuff is in my jacket pocket, yet I'll be figuring that out by myself again. I hate that driving is an issue but you can... Whatever. Too many problems. I'll try not to call or contact, but I'll be lonely soon again. Then I'm forced with the decision to make. I can end all of this, it's as simple as introducing myself to the next stranger, or taking notice to 1 of the plenty that notice me. Why am I so relunctant to do this again? Better yet, why has every1 begun to be shunned at the expense of...

See it's unfair. I won't go there and I won't argue that I should be allowed to. Tomorrow is a holiday apparently, and all that tells me is parents will be home. No comfortable anything high unless it's in your room type sh1t. I love my room by the way. Not my fault most don't know how to utilize it the way I do.

I struggle to believe others are up at strange hours considering some1 other than themselves. That bothers me only because I can't stop when I want to. The only way I know how to turn people off is to be rude. That hardly works now that I think about it. I don't like hurting others, it's not why I'm here.

I could diagnose myself again, figure out what's wrong with me. How pointless would that be? It's really weird to know that you keep things from yourself, because you KNOW. That's where I'm at. I have some pretty self explanatory explanations as to why things are not going how I would imagine they should. I don't want to get into them just yet, there's still a little more that needs to take place. For now, it's turning out the way I thought it would eventually. We'll see.

I hate being tired with desire to do nothing more than fill the page up. Pen to paper is so much more... connected. I think anyway... I feel that way anyway. The stuff in my book... smh

Doesn't look like I'll be getting my RoundTable Pizza today or my Baskin Robbins. The latter is okay, I had that yesterday (even though the bum *ss spot didn't have my new favorite flavor. I think it's seasonal or something). Pizza though, I really wanted some of my favorite pizza. I should have planned better and I would have it...

For what it's worth, all the things I complain about I sure do put myself right back in those situations. Like without fail and constantly. I noticed that because I always tell those who can't take me to stop trying to. Either that, or find some1 you can take. Crazy how we hardly take our own advice. I can only imagine the amount of scrutiny I'd fall under taking THAT kind of advice though. I've heard snippets here and there, I'm sure I know exactly what would be hurled at me.

Anyway, probably no pizza which really sucks.

I hate don't like when some1 says they are doing something for you, then they proceed to do all the things that would make you say they did it for them. I seem to be catching too many people doing this to me right now and it's annoying. Once again, I just want my Round Table (catch it?) Pizza.

I have no idea what I'm getting ready to do besides hit this bed. I mean getting ready to do in terms of what I'm going to let watch me fall asleep. Probably Trigun, because it has to be something I won't feel guilty for having watched without you. Even though when you consider the time it takes to complete a series together, it's rather ridiculous to expect either of us to wait on the other.

There's plenty I would love to watch. I've been weary of getting back into my netflix shows. That's a whole different type of crack right there, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. Getting cozy, still searching.

I-Vin0!

Cause I ain't shouted you out in a minute my dude! Miss you too, we gotta connect up soon man.

Jerome! Pooh Butt! I miss ya'll too, got some funds coming in so I'm definitely making the trip to see ya'll sooner rather than later!

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So many exclamation marks... I'm aware of such things.
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*Any mistakes are just mean*



Hopefully Goodnight, to an early morning filled with whatever with whoever I want.




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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)