Chasing Waterfalls

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Thoughts must come out to this instrumental. It'll be a party. Surprise.



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Chill this is SERIOUS

There's so much more than what the camera's caught. I'm not going to dig through the archives and find the breakdown of it all but she pretty much forced dude into the battle literally. Whatever though it's not about why it's about the what.




After the situation turned heated dude kept his cool. My f*cking hero. Admittedly right now I'm having my own self control issues, and I think about this every time. I mean if he could control himself after that there's really no excuse is there? Unless he didn't know where he was lol (*sighs* not funny).

His mouth got reckless so she wrecked his jaw.. I think, excuse me, I know this is an issue a lot of people have to deal with. Domestic violence isn't cool, it isn't to EVER be accepted LADIES, and guys we should know better. That's some1's daughter, and that statement really says it all.




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Believe me this isn't a Pro Charles Hamilton blog entry. It's an awareness post that I felt needed to be touched upon in light of my own personal ongoings. I agree with the interviewer though, and my views on this event are as such:

For how badly Chris Brown was blacklisted over his situation with Rihanna I feel like this should've had the opposite affect for dude. (it was around the same time I think..) The fact that he's since been linked with that right hook by detractors is so disappointing to me. What are you trying to tell the youth hip hop?? Like what the F*CK!?

However I CAN say through this situation I learned a lot, which is why I'm revisiting it now. I feel like I needed to remind myself what a REAL man does which is control himself regardless of what your faced with.

I think more than anything I appreciate how Charles handled the entire situation. The punch was just the beginning. The public backhands he (still) receives are the now, but he's laughing at himself because that's all that can really be done at this point. Here's proof...





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Along with more reasons why I LOVE sampling. Thanks Charles. To U I'm sorry but like I said WorkinOnit Uknow! Ladies I love you muuuuuaaaaahhh!
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Why I love Samples

Then a genius named Kanye came and did this...




Uh Huh... After that, a brash young rapper/producer named J.Cole did this...





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See what's old becomes new and reinvented. Timeless music NEVER dies, I love that. Anyway who flipped it better??

I'm listening to original productions. People with that I don't venture outside of hip hop talk stop it. I tried to tell ya'll you not f*cking with me.

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What I'm Doing

yeah that's where the Uknow! and workinonit! 'chants came from. I'm working what can I say. I have deadlines to meet today a pissed off miss to deal with and less and less time for the things I want to do. I'm being productive though just had to take a small break to check in with my blog(gers)...

Question? If I put myself on the line ONline do I then have the right to feel 'uppity' at those who choose not to pay attention? Hmmm I wonder. Surely, if my peoples had their own pages I would frequent them AND take heed to what's being said/posted in those pages, but I like to inquire...

Think about it, I have much on the mind.

*I'm anti-domestic violence. No fair.*



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Potent Night caps

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Good to see show getting some love. I spotted this over at worldstarhiphop.com good look my dude..

The remainder of the night/morning will consist of...
music, entourage, boondocks, kevin hart comedy special, music. Junkie style.. But you love me right?


*won't call you b*tch. Call you 'miss' cause I MISS you....*

Miss! smh

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She needed her own post

Don't waist your time with people who don't waste their mind with you.

None of the aforementioned posts have been about my ace in the hole Margot. Needed to clarify that right now cause we both think alike and we don't like things to bother people we care about. Good? Great! Ice cream Monday's! Aye aye!






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Ever Replenishable

and I am unashamed.


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Ok Ok... You don't Get it

I'm trying everything in power to not be frustrated right now but I find the reasons for me justifying my frustrations are pretty much valid. I mean what's the point of communicating with some1 if they continue to ignore what it is that your saying?

The thing is it's really NOT anger, if it was writer's block would not be surfacing to the top of my brain. I just don't understand why it's cool to repeatedly ignore some1's request in certain situations. Yet here I am not voicing my frustrations like it's the thing to do.

The worst part is if I really act completely how I feel like right now it'll be all bad for me (seemingly). Not because I care, more so because my image is something that reflects my parents and I happen to be around more parents. I'm past rude (headphones are in), but I'm thinking about excusing myself to take a walk or something.

I would do THIS if I was anywhere else so I hate that me taking this course of action is looked at as me doing something wrong if that is in fact the case. I'm just being ME dealing with things the best way I know how...

I saw an old friend today... Look at me fronting. I saw my former best friend B'coax today. He saw me in my car, and if he didn't he heard my music. Well I know he did both of those things because I saw him half stop and think about what an encounter with me would mean after months of 'absence'... Needless to say he didn't approach the whip, and I didn't feel he deserved my candor.

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Definitely bitter at the whole situation. I feel like I did nothing but live while they (it's turning plural now...) moved away and continued on with their college lives. I may need to stop here I feel my thoughts driving me to do things I don't need to be doing. Then again, maybe I should explore these things more deeply.

I have no problem admitting I'm as emotional as they come. The problem with that being I'm definitely socially awkward, and somewhat immature when dealing with those emotions. I become hurt by the actions ( or non actions in this case) and lash out. My lashing out is different, I go into my shell. arms legs, head and all. I used to address things but I quickly learned my emotional imbalance does not serve well in these situations.

Anyway, I hurt that much more when people I can dead*ss say I love are the 1's causing the pain. I feel like I can feel YOUR pain and I KNOW I spend nights hurting from YOUR pain. So why the f*ck would you disregard me or my feelings as something that's irrelevant? Even if your unaware of your own actions... Are you all unaware that you haven't been in my life? Do you all care?

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I know I've been labeled a lot of things by some of the females that don't understand me, and the reason I say FEMALES is because MALES are to b*tch made to express the only way I know how. So yes, I turn to FEMALES. The crazy part is that sometimes the females vilify me for my 'in touchiness' which is beyond me that a human being would even do that to another without 1st trying to empathize.

I feel like I'm a master empathize-r. and an entry level sympathizer.

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People that don't understand that don't understand why when they come to me for advice I tell it how it is. Not what they want to hear, and that's not saying I don't understand where they are coming from. Remember I'm a master at this empathizing sh*t.

So when it comes to people I call friends I'm met with feelings of betrayal and undying love. I love them, I always will and that only lends to my emotional disconnect more. Every time I happen to randomly see these friends I go through a mental battle just to not be like 'f*ck him/her' but instead smile with my hand out and kind words ready.

I conceal things TOO well and unfortunately those close to me can't tell either way. I feel like at times I connect with those distant from me because their going through the same thing on their end. I don't even want to name names here you all KNOW who you are. I know you know because I know your reading.

I feel depressed now. It's grown to become a common feeling for me. More reason I gravitate to sample laced music (it literally talks to you...).

While I'm confident enough to remain open and honest with myself I want to flush out as much as I can. I feel like my so called friends have wrongfully judged me.. Wait, let me stop and say all of this has been left to a very unstable mind to decipher. Like I said males don't really communicate (though I've reached out..).

*as I walk*

What do they think of me? Recent inquiries suggest that I'm some1 lost and confused in and with drugs. Well I'm not denying it am I? Though that thinking only raises more questions... Word? I'm that? Aight, so NOW why haven't you reached out? Do you really NOT care? Is my association with those vices the final straw?

I don't know, but through my own observations I feel like people less deserving have somehow received the attention I always wished to have from all of you. When I start making THOSE observations the attacks turn inward. It MUST be me right?

Admittedly I'm not as 'cool' as most the company you keep and when I definitely am 'cooler' I'm not as academically inclined or socially in the norm with my thinking. I know these are issues that I inflict upon myself but understand the attacks turn to me because I have very few outlets to let these poisonous thoughts out.

I swear I hope some1 is reading wide eyed nodding along. Your really NOT alone, just find me. My tracks are taking this train where it need not go. The land of lost thoughts...

I feel like I've said too much, but then again only FEMALES read this thing anyway.

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Put that line on repeat and get at me.. I love and miss you all.





*The biggest 'female' of them all - Turtle*



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Morning Walks

Back on the 1, 2. maneuver.

Haven't been sleeping well and I can feel it catching up to me which sucks because I need to have energy to get around in this heat.

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Your poem was ill. I could've cried at the emotion and honesty alone. My drunkenness wouldn't allow for such things. so I passed out half amazed half bitter. Did she just... Nah my sh*t was better lol but you have me thinking I may have lent a hand in creating a whole different kind of monster. I win. Again.

Gotta be careful in claiming my victories as my conquests are hardly taken how they were intended to be.



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Know that this weaves in and out through my entire body and causes an emotional collapse. Dead*ss last night I was sobbing, I don't know the chords tug at me. However, it captures the pressures of sorrow, doubt, extreme anxiety, and lost love for me. Diggeth.

*Let's go Marley*

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Beautiful Walks

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I don't know why Ive never seen this video before today. Maybe I did and I just... shame on me.


Anyway in light of all the walking that's going on coupled with musical compositions from my favorites I've found myself literally taking trips down memory lane. This particular song hit me hard today. I just so happened to be with Marley on a loooong expedition and 'beautiful' came on. I don't know if it would've been the same without her, but I was deep into my memory so it didn't really matter.

I remember I used to walk with ipod in tow (I miss that little guy...) blasting Eminem's relapse album just prior to coming home for good. Those were tough times because I literally had no 1 for a little while. Everybody had went back home relocated or whatever, I was stuck bouncing in and out of Freshman dorms (ha shoutout to Little Tokyo) trying to keep Marley from being taken away (I would have to leave her caged in strange random locations hiding places. People would call complaints would be made. The end result of which usually ended in me sprinting through town to combat the false allegations of an abandoned dog... see I was evicted, but that's just. What wasn't was them trying to treat my dog like the rest of my stuff. no dice.)

So walking today was in a way therapeutic. The scenery was most certainly different and I couldn't help but think about the huge contrasts... I lost this 1.


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Wait that means...

Yup I get the girl too! (refer to the last statement in the previous blog entry) Ya dig!!!!???






*I'm the nerd that's cooler than Fonzie*



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Hold up 1 time!!

I just wanted to take this early morning slot to address a couple things real quick. I know I've been on some gone with the wind type sh*t, but I just want EVERY1 to know I'm not fronting 1 bit. I've been contemplating getting away without notifying a soul.

I have to be very careful with my words when I try to explain this to others because I don't want to be labeled incorrectly. Basically I'm trying to be as positive as I can right now. I know for those that see me it's 'all good' but that has more to do with me feeling I have a responsibility to uplift those around me not bring them down with my own problems.

Notice there's no label for how I'm feeling being tossed out by me. That's more because PROfessional analysis is on it's way in the near near near near future. I guess my thing is this, being in the position I am leaves an open window to peak at all things trendy, fake, and downright wrong... I should chill with my opinion.

It's LIKE this (not that), in the grand scheme of things I'm better off then a lot of people just because of the blessings BD (and mommy) made sure I had. Those that know me KNOW what it is, yet if you KNOW me when have I ever thrown any of that in YOUR face? When have you heard me talking like the over privileged kid?

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I say that to say don't laugh or scoff while rolling your eyes when I say I can't because 'insert $ related issue here'. It doesn't help I have multiple habits to kick... Ahhh where was I going with this...

*redirected*



"he aint giving them sh*t he's just pinching pennies so hard/ he'll leave a bruise on the bronze so dark/ you can see the mark when it scars/ til Abraham Lincoln is screaming out 'AHHH!'/" Eminem Almost Famous.

I've found myself holding back with a lot of you because quite frankly I'm not comfortable trying to 'live it up' like you. The crazy part is 'living it up' doesn't have to be what you would expect. At least not in terms of HOW MUCH is being spent, and would it really matter if you have 0 anyway??

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Not that I can't manage, I do that everyday lol. I just can't manage the thoughts that I think your feeling/thinking. I can't manage what I imagine. there.

I try to be open with how I think/feel, but most of the time I feel like that works against me. Meghan knows because I've tried to voice some of those frustrations with her before. Only to be left frustrated. If people can't get it that's fine, I just ask not to be judged like I don't make ANY f*cking sense. F*ck outta here with all that.


People need to start doing some f*cking homework before pressing their opinion on an unsuspecting mind. I've been this way for a minute, a long minute. Think the opposite of New York.

I've rambled on long enough saying half of what I meant to in the 1st place. It's cool peep the song. I'm on, I have another busy day full of mysteries to get to. Catch me if you can!


*I'm the nerd that's cooler than Fonzie*

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Word-less

I know what it means to me, but everybody's different.. Don't judge just acquire the taste, then talk to me about it.

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They don't Understand...

Only thing that hold me down is my leather. Aye!

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Mornings something I can’t dig cause it takes me places I can’t live. I REALLY want today to be great in an ‘epic’ sort of way but like all things I’m going to have to wait it out. I’m trying to be bold without being imposing. I don’t know how to split the balance between the 2 , but it’s a fun inside project.

If I can make today about some1 other than myself we should all benefit from it. I just want to see smiley faces and happy things, hear intricacy, and live creatively.  For today.

I need an umbrella dead*ss its too hot to be treckin like this under the sun. I’m not tripping over the 1, 2 aspect of it all I just don’t want to have to pack much. I’m naturally warm(er). 

Btw I’ve already failed in some small way at keeping it peaceful, not to mention NOT about me but it’s cool there’s more sun to get through. I have to get better being more efficient especially now that I have to maximize whatever time I can salvage if I want to move forward. No biggie.

I’m sleepy .. I want to give in to it. I think I might, only if the conditions are right….

*at this point, sh*t  hit the f*cking proverbial fan*

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Meaning there was a lull/break in the writing of this blog entry. I was out doing what I was writing about having to do but not wanting to do. Anyway MY car was the vehicle being driven. Well, that thing decided it would be cool to show me the devil’s wrath. Or at the very least (ignoring my penchant for OVERexaggerations) what the devil’s wrath COULD look like in its infant stages (smoke… I’m really not that far out there. The  b*tch was catching on fire)

I had MAD stuff to get done and after having my dead car towed to my house (Jessica Jessica Jessica thank you! Muah!) I went on with the rest of the things that had to get done. People don’t realize or think to put the 2 and 2 together when I said I was 1, 2’in from place to place, but regardless I had a long day under a very hot sun with NO umbrella ella ella ayyyyeeee!!!

I DID get a lot done, but it was what I didn’t get to do that kind of had me feeling like I took an L on the day (that’s a loss for you slowtards).

*the now*

I FINALLY got to unleashing myself (again like it’s KS all over) on twitter. Some people are like what? Others remember what it was and are more responsive. I’m loving it though, until I get to settle down in the chair across from the psychologist it’s about as good as it gets.

IE  shutting me off and turning my mind on leads to very interesting results. As long as I keep those pesky ‘oh sh*t people I know and don’t are reading my f*cking thoughts’ insecurities at a distance I’ll be A-Ok.

So for the plans that didn’t get attended to, I apologize. HOPEFULLY there will be other days for whatever the plans were.  I’m kind of stuck on being focused right now.. You know plan turtle lol kind of like team Edward or whatever other ‘teams’ those Twilight folks have behind them, only it’s not physical or human or… I guess it’s just not those2.

Long live plan a, b, and c. They fought hard and served their purpose. 

Music…  That’s another entry. Let’s just say I’m COMPLETELY content. Therefore, I fear no thought or reality of loneliness. I love and miss you all! Try to do the same..

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Son's a Bum

Here we go more of the lies...

I was/am getting ready to just get gone. I've grown far too exhausted trying to catch up to where I should already be. Thing is the things I wish not to be as well as the locations are all things I wished to see.

I'm just tired of the image you've given me. It's time for something new. <<--- ayo Charles sample those sentences for me. I don't really trust any1 else to do it.

I'm at a point where the notions of what I think are becoming reality to how I feel. Not cool at all, not healthy either. I've tried shaking this off in a variety of different ways. Some more successful than others, I guess they all worked from some1's perspective. Whatever... Today I did 1 of the healthier choices. Worked like a charm.

I'm an excellent painter, so I painted.

However, once I left my paints and decided it was time to let you in again I was embraced with disappointment. I guess none of the parties involved get it either because we are all saying the same thing. aka knot getting anywhere.

*yeah yeah purposeful ^*

Walking... More walking...

I'm taking it back to those walking days. Sometimes because I want to sometimes because I have to. My feet are getting their work in though. Sooooooooo don't be mean about it k? *cough* megherz *cough*

So yeah, the trip... I don't know. I feel like I just need to go, and apart of me is ready to do just that. There's still too much holding me back at the moment so I'm chilling. Fact's are as stated: I don't feel good about MY own positioning in life at the moment. I do not feel good about the people AROUND me in my life. I don't feel good about the reciprocation of an emotional equal who at the moment is also absent. yeah that deep. I feel isolated most all of the time. I've heard a lot of things that were meant to describe me and none of them were true. I'm not feeling good bout being misunderstood. I'm not feeling good sleeping from place to place while never feeling completely welcome.

There's more that's supposed to be left unsaid. I'll oblige this go round because while I'm currently feeling low I'm trying to get up..


I'm not feeling good about missing emails.. I know this goes against what I just said ^ but I don't know what happened to a good friend of mine and I want/NEED to see her if I can. So if the email timing of the universe is just off for all can you please let me know your good? paging Dr. Margot are we good?? I snapped today in my notebook, it's yours come get it!

People don't trust me, and I'm not tripping really I'm working on trusting myself. Just know I'm ready if need be to be OUT in a major way. Different city, state, and or country. I'm not playing around.

People should respect my words since it's obvious these looks have gotten me oh so far.

'your such a player you probably tell that to ALL the girls' yeah YOU got me.

*rolls eyes*



Try digging me cause I make you want to.. The night sky is something 'un' and 'ling' when there are no stars to snuggle in it. Odd looking and out of place.. Shout out to LC. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh LC....

























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Hi my name is...

Chris Wilson, or Turtle Lee to the few and fortunate.

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More important than that, is what they've become to be..


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How do you start...

Something so hard your heart could burst?

Today was tough ^ word to the Charles Hamilton quote. I've been dealing with a lot of bs and I was appalled at what was 'acceptable' in my convo with my n*ggas over twitter. Debate really, but it never even got there so let me just chill on that.

The convo has me tight though. close-mindedness is so wack I don't care how you look at it or try to 'ok' it. I mean I'm used to being so blatantly on the opposing side of things that it really shouldn't bother me by now. My homie's in town apparently! Leave it to me to be away from my email like all day... errrggghh that's due once again to the 'debates' I was having.

I'm trying not to be too anything right now because people can be ignorant, and there is no need to get ignorant with them in this case. I say that because I want to call people names throw stuffs, and generally make some1 else feel frustrated like me right now. I'm going to opt to take it to the gym instead. That may be worse though, it might be best to just stay off the courts today.

Heard from Geanna lightweight today. That chick either has her nose WIDE open or is lacking serious time... Either way if I get stuck to thinking about why we haven't talked it'll be counterproductive to this mood I'm trying to avoid going into... Maybe I am as socially awkward as I've always said and THAT's the reason I'm more or less alone contemplating these things..

I'm not going there. I just want to have a great great evening. If all goes well I don't see why that would't be possible. I'm doing some major major cleaning. How's this for honesty though, all I really want to do is sit here with this music and get lifted with it. I won't do that, but it'd be nice.

I may not speak another word today I'm feeling that frustrated with people.

Jean Grae and Charles Hamilton I road hard for you 2 today. All in the name of good music, f*ck what they talking about.



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I actually like going to places like this to chill downtown Sacramento knows me lol. We only getting more familiar. Imagine that.












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That list is coming! Especially after today. Smh

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Residual Self-Image

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They trying to take me from these beautiful things but f*ck that it's not happening. I'm writing today all day, some might end up here most of it will end up in a special inbox (Margot you ready?). Feeling lonely amongst the crowd...
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Internet Woes

I do not like when my internet fails me. It's probably 1 of the single most frustrating things ever! Mainly because I have no idea how to fix the problem. Every download would clock out at 1% leaving me absolutely clueless. I DID get smarter than the average bear and hook it up directly to the router but now I'm stuck for the sake of my downloads.

Not very cool. I'm exhausted still I feel like I'm in for 1 major crash in the next day or 2. I WILL experience that crash in a comfortable bed. I've been sleeping on couches and floors for the last week and it's starting to get to me. Not that I really care about having to do that more so because I can't sleep in a bed if I wanted to right now. Availability issues..

Margot can I shout you out? Your commentary is hilarious as well as needed wait til' I get my phone back rocking its on!

I do wonder though... Where are a few of you at?? What are you doing? I'm not worried about the lack of communication cause well you know, I'm bumming it right now. Speaking of which, I'm trying to NOT bum it with the appearance (I should post a picture or something..) but it's been tough! To grow or not to grow?

Margot you would have a field day. Right now, I could care less I'm like a blank canvass to a painter if that makes any sense.. I'm switching it up real soon.

Wow my stomach is trying to kill me. Time to eat.


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"F*ck a Counselor...

B*tch I need guidance!"






Love or Fantasy? Oh The double meanings...



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