What A Night

Wowoworrrrrd wowowowowowowowooorrrrrrrrdddddd!!!!  Indicative of how I’m feeling right now. This night is going to be fun I’m excited to get out of my head and into others’. I’m chill I’m exhausted as sh*t but I got my little nap in.  Ehhh it was more like me desperately trying to keep my eyes open to respond to various emails and job apps. Definitely didn’t work, and my efforts were very futile.

Extremely so. The thing that got me about it was I felt 10x’s more sluggish when I finally snapped out of it an hour and a half later. I’m afraid my eyes are going to seal shut tonight lol. I’m yawning like crazy and they burn!  These are not details any of you really need to know, but then again what are details any of you REALLY need to know?

This weekend I am going to cross over. My pops is taking my mom’s to New York, and though I am hugely disappointed that I don’t get to accompany them on the trip, I’m looking forward to watching that house for them lol. Guess it’s a tossup??

                                                                                     

*shrugs*

I had a crazy little realization with Marley being all ‘high and sedated’ today. I HAVE to do better for those around me. Not on some take care of them sh*t but I have to be nurturing with my words and my time. There’s so much craziness that goes on in the world, and no minute is promised. F*ck a day. F*ck a tomorrow too. I started getting so excited for them until I couldn’t anymore.

Just taking it minute by minute. I’ve dead*ss switched moods in less time so I’m good with that prognosis to my diagnosis.

What does Marley have to do with any of that? That’s my f*cking ya’ll know. I guess it was around 3 weeks ago carrying her bloody body pressed against mine back to my car. My thoughts were going everywhere they didn’t need to at the moment. I thought my dog was going to die. Or rather, I feared she could be hurt bad enough to die.

That’s the 2^nd time I’ve legitimately felt that way, but this time was different. The 1^st time she was choking to death right in front of me due to her chain collar we got for her. I still don’t know how we untangled that thing in time for her to make it, and that was Traumatizing beyond belief. You should see me walk her now.. digressing.

Carrying her like that though (when she was bloody from her car accident) really had me feeling like I was carrying my child or something. That’s what she means to me, and I’d do anything for her diggy?

*Bring it all back*

So my epiphany was this: I’m going to be 1 great Daddy. I’ve had to be around all my dudes with their seeds and just kind of envy what they have quietly. I’m not talking about the glitz of having a child either. I understand it’s a full-time job. It’s the only job I’ve ever ACTUALLY planned out and stayed up late at night thinking about.  I’m ready. Like now, right now. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on who you’re talking to I know I’m not in a position to make that happen. I mean there’s no doubt in my mind the day it’s planted I’ll undergo a superhero origins story of sorts and transform in mind and spirit over night.

That’s the way I planned it anyway. Unrealistic yes, so I chill. Still ready, waiting for the day the dollar signs add up with 1 of my true desires.

The cause that’s dead*ss bigger than me, is the 1 my soul longs to keep.  

Of course irritation had to set in before I finished what was otherwise a tension free entry. This is good though, it must be some sort of test. I see you big fella’, and I raise you… Jeanius. Yeah I’m betting with music, can’t afford to do it the real way.

Here it comes, more stupid sh*t from people that want you to do them. Why can’t I just do me?? A question I ask myself frequently only to get answer I don’t really respect all that much. Woooooow did I just get told the car was going to do because I was sitting with the passenger seat open? Is that even possible? The keys weren’t in the vehicle… That don’t even sound right yo.

Anyway my 2^nd epiphany was that I need to treat people better publicly. I’m an emotional dude. People close to me should know this, that’s how I feel anyway since I do know their little perks and quirks. That makes sense right? I assume those I’ve let in understand this.

Why don’t you understand this?  This has truly become a little exhausting in itself lol.






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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

What A Day!

The day trecks on. I’m exhausted, no doubt about that. I’ve been exhausted since 10:30 PM last night though. I’m still trying to figure out how I got through the night like I did. Well I know how, but I wont say as it wasn’t the only thing serving as my caffeine intake.


Man I’m tired… Where will I sleep??

Downtown is lovely, so I love it. I feel like bad moods wouldn’t linger for long here. Just too must nature and people movement. Too much to focus on.

Coke… The poisonous cycle continues. Speaking of cycles. That laundry I spoke about is still waiting to be laundered. Only I can’t see it happening anytime soon. In fact, I estimate that said laundry will take ATLEAST 3 hours.

I will not be defeated by fatigue, or want for ‘other’ things. I need to stay focused, but there’s so much keeping me out of focus at the moment………………………..

*found it*

Only took me more than half the day, but I found my focus. I’m not giving myself enough credit. I’ve been dragging through every activity I’ve faced today. Just about done, but is done ever really done? No. It isn’t.

My baby is sleeping off her surgery at the hospital and I’m supposed to be leaving to acquire her soon. Stay strong Marley! That’s my muf*ckin B*tch to the end right there!!

Jean Grae is 1 funny emcee. Charles introduced me to the ‘your favorite emcee’s are actually real people… sometimes’ club and she has upped it a bit I’d say. Just extremely funny. I guess that’s why I’ve decided to be exhausted only in physical form….



*ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?*

Random (sorry for that), Entourage new season this Sunday. Entourage. Boondocks. 1 big thing of ‘something’ swear to the skies. It’s going to be a great weekend.

Ok back to this… Exhaustion. Yes, I’m sleeping in it. I wish… Mentally I’m good. I’m happy, I’m good being happy. Just have to get through a few more things. I don’t know what’s going on tonight but I’m going to go for a massage (hehehehehehe) and a nap.

Oh yeah, it’s hot. F*ck this heat.

Just a tidbit of info I thought was VERY interesting. Eminem has once again outsold ALL of his peers' first week sales. INCLUDING DRIZZY DRAKE. I believe the numbers were roughly around 550,000. Roughly anyway.


It's just welcome change when 1of the top people doing it in hip hop has the SKILLS to back up whatever sh*t he may decide to talk, and the numbers as well. I love it!

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In the future?? Hmmmmmm





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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Frown Upward

This sh*t right here!? Lol chill... This brings a calm over me though. Not being able to communicate with the wrong people has pushed me into a corner of isolation. I'm not sure whether it's 'cool' or not, but I know I haven't been ME as of late.

So many things that I believe make me the person I am today have started to lose their hold on me. Depressing, but I will adapt with time like leaves do to winds in order to coincide peacefully with myself.  I know when 'the jig is up', and I know I'll handle that moment with myself. No worries at the moment I'll be ok.

No  worries!







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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

As my Sun says 'hello'

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I couldn't think of a more obnoxious way tosay it. I'm the life of my party over here too Diddy. Smh... Well time to put those great ambitions and goals on that high up mantle piece. Or should I be trying to get the ambitions and goals down??

Regardless it's the real morning. Things must get done. Things must be avoided.

Special attention to that last sentence. And THAT last sentence wasn't even complete. THAT last sentence was a fracture...

I could go on and on with that... I'll pass. The video was obnxious enough.


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Was I wrong??

I questioned T.I.'s relevance upon his return and Rick Ross' rise. I don't know if it was justified or not. To hear me tell it, Tip's buzz isn't where it used to be. That doesn't mean I'm not waiting to hear new music from him. I think T.I.'s 1 of the dopest (heh) doing it right now. Really interested to see where he takes this album.





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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

3:24am while I'm waiting

2 completely different vibes. All ME though. Don't miss the plane. Don't get caught wanting 'the old me' either. I find that people tend to want to challenge things they don't understand. Don't do that with this.

Any1 notice the grittiness vs. the cleanliness??


Times sure are changing.



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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Midnight Hours When I Brood

I don't know what to think. I was ready. All in. Now it's back to being a toss up of sorts.

Lately, I haven't had much energy for anything. Like I'm sitting here typing this paying attention to how difficult the task of inhaling and exhaling has become for me. My body just feels tired. My mind feels cloudy.

My soul feels damaged. Things that put calm to me in the past no longer have the same effects. For the first time in a long while I feel lonely WITHOUT the company of other individuals. Which is to say the constant company of individuals hasn't deterred my mindstate from feeling lonely.

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The reason I don't really mind feeling lonely while being alone. There's a part of me that feels like this is somewhat of a 'warm up' (shout out to J.Cole) round for what's to come. I can only hope that isn't the case, but like all things time will tell.

Time has all the answers and I'm terrified to commit to it sans hip hop purposes.

Can you imagine how LeBron must feel? I don't know, having all of tha responsiblity placed on your shoulders is a big deal. I don't really think about it how every1 else seems to be. To me, it's more of a question of whether or not LeBron feels guilty (which would be natural) at the thought of leaving.

To be fair it's not like Cleveland had much before LeBron either. I guess I'm trying to point out the decisions to depart from the people that helped elevate you to a point where departing was even possible.

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How to deal with that I wonder... I've been paying for all this hope with frustration, getting disillusion back in change. I'm just sick of it all.

My stomach is going nuts right now, so it's the perfect time to realize I've eaten what sums up to be basically nothing all day (night and midnight hours). My body is spazzing on me. I feel sick, then fine, then hungry. Repeat that cycle with less hunger and add in sleepy. I feel like I'm always sleepy...

Space bag... I could use that.

I have no idea where to store all of these things. Go figure.

It used to feel energized by these late/early nights/mornings but now I remain up counting hours until the sun comes back out. Either that or pass out to awaken when the sun is coming out. There's no more excitement just a sort of acceptance to it all.

I don't know. My head is hurting. All I can think about is what I would take with me in the event I find myself in a less than ideal situation. Minimizing what I've become known for by those close to me. Which would be sure to bring passengers of my car a sigh of relief.

Tomorrow I clean out the car. Tomorrow I wash remaining clothes. Tomorrow I pack. Not much, enough to fill 2 backpacks. Then I live.

 Marley's condition is still to be determined so she may have to chill for awhile before joining me, but if ever I need a shoulder to lean on I know her head will do.

*she sleeps so peacefully*


Fushigiball.. I want that.

Feeling sick again... This time with no phone has done something to me.  numbers will no longer be stored if I ever decide if I'm fortunate enough to get another 1, there's really little to no point anymore. I just need my Grandparents in there and I'm good.

I feel like tv takes a huge hit 3-6am. I may be victim of not watching very much, but the options I'm seeing are not very appealing. What I'm reading however is. Less tv more words for me. If I'm not passed out in the next 20 minutes, I'm sure I'll be in the same spot making my keyboard feel wanted.



UNO


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)