Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Friday, July 9, 2010

Ok Ok... You don't Get it

I'm trying everything in power to not be frustrated right now but I find the reasons for me justifying my frustrations are pretty much valid. I mean what's the point of communicating with some1 if they continue to ignore what it is that your saying?

The thing is it's really NOT anger, if it was writer's block would not be surfacing to the top of my brain. I just don't understand why it's cool to repeatedly ignore some1's request in certain situations. Yet here I am not voicing my frustrations like it's the thing to do.

The worst part is if I really act completely how I feel like right now it'll be all bad for me (seemingly). Not because I care, more so because my image is something that reflects my parents and I happen to be around more parents. I'm past rude (headphones are in), but I'm thinking about excusing myself to take a walk or something.

I would do THIS if I was anywhere else so I hate that me taking this course of action is looked at as me doing something wrong if that is in fact the case. I'm just being ME dealing with things the best way I know how...

I saw an old friend today... Look at me fronting. I saw my former best friend B'coax today. He saw me in my car, and if he didn't he heard my music. Well I know he did both of those things because I saw him half stop and think about what an encounter with me would mean after months of 'absence'... Needless to say he didn't approach the whip, and I didn't feel he deserved my candor.

Definitely bitter at the whole situation. I feel like I did nothing but live while they (it's turning plural now...) moved away and continued on with their college lives. I may need to stop here I feel my thoughts driving me to do things I don't need to be doing. Then again, maybe I should explore these things more deeply.

I have no problem admitting I'm as emotional as they come. The problem with that being I'm definitely socially awkward, and somewhat immature when dealing with those emotions. I become hurt by the actions ( or non actions in this case) and lash out. My lashing out is different, I go into my shell. arms legs, head and all. I used to address things but I quickly learned my emotional imbalance does not serve well in these situations.

Anyway, I hurt that much more when people I can dead*ss say I love are the 1's causing the pain. I feel like I can feel YOUR pain and I KNOW I spend nights hurting from YOUR pain. So why the f*ck would you disregard me or my feelings as something that's irrelevant? Even if your unaware of your own actions... Are you all unaware that you haven't been in my life? Do you all care?

I know I've been labeled a lot of things by some of the females that don't understand me, and the reason I say FEMALES is because MALES are to b*tch made to express the only way I know how. So yes, I turn to FEMALES. The crazy part is that sometimes the females vilify me for my 'in touchiness' which is beyond me that a human being would even do that to another without 1st trying to empathize.

I feel like I'm a master empathize-r. and an entry level sympathizer.

People that don't understand that don't understand why when they come to me for advice I tell it how it is. Not what they want to hear, and that's not saying I don't understand where they are coming from. Remember I'm a master at this empathizing sh*t.

So when it comes to people I call friends I'm met with feelings of betrayal and undying love. I love them, I always will and that only lends to my emotional disconnect more. Every time I happen to randomly see these friends I go through a mental battle just to not be like 'f*ck him/her' but instead smile with my hand out and kind words ready.

I conceal things TOO well and unfortunately those close to me can't tell either way. I feel like at times I connect with those distant from me because their going through the same thing on their end. I don't even want to name names here you all KNOW who you are. I know you know because I know your reading.

I feel depressed now. It's grown to become a common feeling for me. More reason I gravitate to sample laced music (it literally talks to you...).

While I'm confident enough to remain open and honest with myself I want to flush out as much as I can. I feel like my so called friends have wrongfully judged me.. Wait, let me stop and say all of this has been left to a very unstable mind to decipher. Like I said males don't really communicate (though I've reached out..).

*as I walk*

What do they think of me? Recent inquiries suggest that I'm some1 lost and confused in and with drugs. Well I'm not denying it am I? Though that thinking only raises more questions... Word? I'm that? Aight, so NOW why haven't you reached out? Do you really NOT care? Is my association with those vices the final straw?

I don't know, but through my own observations I feel like people less deserving have somehow received the attention I always wished to have from all of you. When I start making THOSE observations the attacks turn inward. It MUST be me right?

Admittedly I'm not as 'cool' as most the company you keep and when I definitely am 'cooler' I'm not as academically inclined or socially in the norm with my thinking. I know these are issues that I inflict upon myself but understand the attacks turn to me because I have very few outlets to let these poisonous thoughts out.

I swear I hope some1 is reading wide eyed nodding along. Your really NOT alone, just find me. My tracks are taking this train where it need not go. The land of lost thoughts...

I feel like I've said too much, but then again only FEMALES read this thing anyway.

Put that line on repeat and get at me.. I love and miss you all.

*The biggest 'female' of them all - Turtle*

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