Sometimes things are destined to fail. I can look back at key moments in my life, and they usually are followed by, inspired by, or just plain are shortcomings. So it's in this shortcomings that I look toward the future with a more keen eye for positivity.
I tried it a way that wasn't my own and failed. I've failed on my own in my own way but found solace in knowing I understood the steps I was taking, and the path I was leading. Doing it your way has left me more so lost than anything else I could try to describe. Your not always wrong, definitely not always right, but your always NOT mine. Therefore I couldn't try to find peace through your thoughts. Kind of backwards...
Tumbling over and over descending into mysteries isn't the ideal way to find yourself, but if it works it works.
I found my 'friends' but that's another post altogether. What's real what's fake? Finding that out is REALly all that matters to me at this point, and I'm willing to put myself through WHATEVER to achieve that.
There's so much more than what the camera's caught. I'm not going to dig through the archives and find the breakdown of it all but she pretty much forced dude into the battle literally. Whatever though it's not about why it's about the what.
After the situation turned heated dude kept his cool. My f*cking hero. Admittedly right now I'm having my own self control issues, and I think about this every time. I mean if he could control himself after that there's really no excuse is there? Unless he didn't know where he was lol (*sighs* not funny).
His mouth got reckless so she wrecked his jaw.. I think, excuse me, I know this is an issue a lot of people have to deal with. Domestic violence isn't cool, it isn't to EVER be accepted LADIES, and guys we should know better. That's some1's daughter, and that statement really says it all.
Believe me this isn't a Pro Charles Hamilton blog entry. It's an awareness post that I felt needed to be touched upon in light of my own personal ongoings. I agree with the interviewer though, and my views on this event are as such:
For how badly Chris Brown was blacklisted over his situation with Rihanna I feel like this should've had the opposite affect for dude. (it was around the same time I think..) The fact that he's since been linked with that right hook by detractors is so disappointing to me. What are you trying to tell the youth hip hop?? Like what the F*CK!?
However I CAN say through this situation I learned a lot, which is why I'm revisiting it now. I feel like I needed to remind myself what a REAL man does which is control himself regardless of what your faced with.
I think more than anything I appreciate how Charles handled the entire situation. The punch was just the beginning. The public backhands he (still) receives are the now, but he's laughing at himself because that's all that can really be done at this point. Here's proof...
Along with more reasons why I LOVE sampling. Thanks Charles. To U I'm sorry but like I said WorkinOnit Uknow! Ladies I love you muuuuuaaaaahhh!
yeah that's where the Uknow! and workinonit! 'chants came from. I'm working what can I say. I have deadlines to meet today a pissed off miss to deal with and less and less time for the things I want to do. I'm being productive though just had to take a small break to check in with my blog(gers)...
Question? If I put myself on the line ONline do I then have the right to feel 'uppity' at those who choose not to pay attention? Hmmm I wonder. Surely, if my peoples had their own pages I would frequent them AND take heed to what's being said/posted in those pages, but I like to inquire...
Don't waist your time with people who don't waste their mind with you.
None of the aforementioned posts have been about my ace in the hole Margot. Needed to clarify that right now cause we both think alike and we don't like things to bother people we care about. Good? Great! Ice cream Monday's! Aye aye!
I don't really mess with Rick Ross too often but I do respect the hell out of his rap game. Meaning I have his music I just choose to skip or not listen to it when the opportunity arises. I just feel like it's too much of 1 thing which is cool for the people that like that 1 thing. I prefer tapping into 50 when I wanna hear my shoot em up gun bust tussle in the streets sh*t.
Is it going to be everything people are making it out to be? (the album not the documentary) I don't know, part of me feels like he'll take a step back, but what do I know? What do ya'll think?
I shouldn't be awake. I have things planned that require me up early in the morning. Knowing that I should've forced myself into unconsciousness. I tried I really did.. Upon realizing I wouldn't be dreaming anytime soon I decided it'd be best to throw on my wet suit. Here's what I found that held my attention.
wasn't that cool? It would be that much cooler if he then proceeded to rap on his own creation but i'm not complaining. I'm about to give XV a focused listen manana anyway..
Nice to see Curren$y and Wiz getting an opportunity to get some real exposure. They've been grinding to get to this spot here. Good look I ain't mad.
I'm off to watch last weeks episode of the Boondocks. I'll shut my eyes again when the sun up..
I'm trying everything in power to not be frustrated right now but I find the reasons for me justifying my frustrations are pretty much valid. I mean what's the point of communicating with some1 if they continue to ignore what it is that your saying?
The thing is it's really NOT anger, if it was writer's block would not be surfacing to the top of my brain. I just don't understand why it's cool to repeatedly ignore some1's request in certain situations. Yet here I am not voicing my frustrations like it's the thing to do.
The worst part is if I really act completely how I feel like right now it'll be all bad for me (seemingly). Not because I care, more so because my image is something that reflects my parents and I happen to be around more parents. I'm past rude (headphones are in), but I'm thinking about excusing myself to take a walk or something.
I would do THIS if I was anywhere else so I hate that me taking this course of action is looked at as me doing something wrong if that is in fact the case. I'm just being ME dealing with things the best way I know how...
I saw an old friend today... Look at me fronting. I saw my former best friend B'coax today. He saw me in my car, and if he didn't he heard my music. Well I know he did both of those things because I saw him half stop and think about what an encounter with me would mean after months of 'absence'... Needless to say he didn't approach the whip, and I didn't feel he deserved my candor.
Definitely bitter at the whole situation. I feel like I did nothing but live while they (it's turning plural now...) moved away and continued on with their college lives. I may need to stop here I feel my thoughts driving me to do things I don't need to be doing. Then again, maybe I should explore these things more deeply.
I have no problem admitting I'm as emotional as they come. The problem with that being I'm definitely socially awkward, and somewhat immature when dealing with those emotions. I become hurt by the actions ( or non actions in this case) and lash out. My lashing out is different, I go into my shell. arms legs, head and all. I used to address things but I quickly learned my emotional imbalance does not serve well in these situations.
Anyway, I hurt that much more when people I can dead*ss say I love are the 1's causing the pain. I feel like I can feel YOUR pain and I KNOW I spend nights hurting from YOUR pain. So why the f*ck would you disregard me or my feelings as something that's irrelevant? Even if your unaware of your own actions... Are you all unaware that you haven't been in my life? Do you all care?
I know I've been labeled a lot of things by some of the females that don't understand me, and the reason I say FEMALES is because MALES are to b*tch made to express the only way I know how. So yes, I turn to FEMALES. The crazy part is that sometimes the females vilify me for my 'in touchiness' which is beyond me that a human being would even do that to another without 1st trying to empathize.
I feel like I'm a master empathize-r. and an entry level sympathizer.
People that don't understand that don't understand why when they come to me for advice I tell it how it is. Not what they want to hear, and that's not saying I don't understand where they are coming from. Remember I'm a master at this empathizing sh*t.
So when it comes to people I call friends I'm met with feelings of betrayal and undying love. I love them, I always will and that only lends to my emotional disconnect more. Every time I happen to randomly see these friends I go through a mental battle just to not be like 'f*ck him/her' but instead smile with my hand out and kind words ready.
I conceal things TOO well and unfortunately those close to me can't tell either way. I feel like at times I connect with those distant from me because their going through the same thing on their end. I don't even want to name names here you all KNOW who you are. I know you know because I know your reading.
I feel depressed now. It's grown to become a common feeling for me. More reason I gravitate to sample laced music (it literally talks to you...).
While I'm confident enough to remain open and honest with myself I want to flush out as much as I can. I feel like my so called friends have wrongfully judged me.. Wait, let me stop and say all of this has been left to a very unstable mind to decipher. Like I said males don't really communicate (though I've reached out..).
*as I walk*
What do they think of me? Recent inquiries suggest that I'm some1 lost and confused in and with drugs. Well I'm not denying it am I? Though that thinking only raises more questions... Word? I'm that? Aight, so NOW why haven't you reached out? Do you really NOT care? Is my association with those vices the final straw?
I don't know, but through my own observations I feel like people less deserving have somehow received the attention I always wished to have from all of you. When I start making THOSE observations the attacks turn inward. It MUST be me right?
Admittedly I'm not as 'cool' as most the company you keep and when I definitely am 'cooler' I'm not as academically inclined or socially in the norm with my thinking. I know these are issues that I inflict upon myself but understand the attacks turn to me because I have very few outlets to let these poisonous thoughts out.
I swear I hope some1 is reading wide eyed nodding along. Your really NOT alone, just find me. My tracks are taking this train where it need not go. The land of lost thoughts...
I feel like I've said too much, but then again only FEMALES read this thing anyway.
Put that line on repeat and get at me.. I love and miss you all.
This n*gga's garbage with the rhymes. I don't care who you are don't be in my face telling me Soulja Boy can spit cause he can't! IMO anyway... His music is, well, a topic of huge interest to me. There once was a time I think last summer where I really TRIED to listen to this dude. I figured I need to be able to communicate with people, and people f*ck with Soulja Boy. Instead of being like 90% of the listeners out there that don't really listen at all, I decided I would get to the bottom of why his appeal is what it is.
Boy was that tough. Needless to say his beats at times while simplistic can be catchy as hell. Still they get very monotonous... Why am I even going in on this, it's not the point of the entry. Just wanted to give ya'll a little bit of back story as to why I'm highlighting Soulja Boy of all artists today.
I came across this Vibe interview with dude (vibe.com suckas), and it really grabbed my attention. I'm sure some of you have heard that Soulja Boy's next album will be far more 'lyrical' than his past conquests have demonstrated.
I heard that, thought maybe he will step it up with the pen... Then I heard 'Pretty Boy Swag'...
Needless to say I completely wrote off all the lyrical miracle talk concerning his album as the song sounded like this n*gga was trying to say he could go in and gargle cum on the beat and every1 would still love it. Wait, ACCEPT it rather.. *Sighs*
True spit, 1 of the reasons I f*ck with Charles Hamilton the way I do is because he gives his fans unparalleled insight as to why the music is the way it is. Outside AND inside the music. So I'm not left wondering why he went ahead and decided to make something sound the way it did. Definitely doesn't excuse some of sins he commits in his music, but at least I know WHERE he is coming from.
*Back to the Soulja*
This interview gave me a little bit of insight on Soulja Boy the artist. Say what you will, dude built his sh*t from the ground up for dolo. Gotta RESPECT that, and if I can respect you I can f*ck with you musically. Most all above anything else I remain hopeful that all my fav. artists do not become stagnant. Grow and evolve with your craft, it shows me the consumer you give a damn.
I feel as if SB is making a step in that direction and if this interview is any indication, then the kid may just be in it for the long haul after all. I mean sh*t, he's already gotten away with viral pollution lol.
Anyway here are some excerpts from the vibe.com interview that caught my eye.
I remember you saying a few months back that you want this to be your most lyrical album yet. What’s your writing process?
It depends on what type of song it is. For "Pretty Boy Swag," there was no writing process. I went into the booth, listened to the beat, and the rhythm had just kept catching my head. So I put the headphones on and just replaced the rhythm with whatever words. That was my basic process for that song. But like for a song I have on my album called “I Deserve A Grammy,” featuring Esther Dean, the writing process for that was crucial. That was like, a six-hour plane ride from New York to Los Angeles, just clearing my head, sitting down with a sheet of paper and a pen and just going in. Thinking of the words, how I’m going to pronounce each syllable and playing the beat over and over in my head. That was a much more crucial process. When people hear the album, and hear songs like “I Deserve A Grammy,” you’re going to be able to tell I really had to sit down and go back in over and over until I had it perfect.
What about the Twitter hashtags #ifsouljaboycouldrap or #rappersbetterthansouljaboy—when you see stuff like that, do you just laugh it off, or does it get to you?
When I see stuff like that it makes my ego get bigger. Because it’s like, damn, all these people are focusing on me—whether it’s good or it’s bad. I know that my music’s the shit. It’s only a certain group of people pushing that negative energy, so for all the other people that’s seeing it that fuck with me, that makes them want to go harder for me. When I see stuff like that, I know it’s going to lead all these people to my name, period. It’s funny, but at the same time, it’s promotion
What’d you do differently this album to make your raps more lyrical?
This time around I did a lot of research. I received a lot of constructive criticism, listened to different people’s opinions, and then I sat down and bought a whole bunch of different albums, and listened to them all the way through—really listened to the lyrics. I just wanted to hear what they were saying. I took from all of that and mixed it into one and I went ham.
Looking back at your first two albums, do you think the rhymes were wack?
I ain’t gonna front. I heard some of my previous songs and I would just laugh, like, “damn.” I done came a long way. It’s crazy how people really fuck with them songs, how they were successful. It’s crazy just to see my growth. It’s amazing.
True. Has there ever an online moment that you regretted afterward?
Smoking on camera. I do regret that. I ain’t really want my fans to see that, because I got a fanbase of kids that goes down as low as 10 years old, all the way up to grown people in their 30s. When the camera was on me, I wasn’t thinking about none of that. And we all make mistakes, as long as you know what your mistake was and you be a man about it, people will forgive you and you can move on.
Basically he's growing up. We all need to at some point.
Can I just say if Wale plans to use the whole Seinfeld thing as his personal mixtape brand that's f*cking genius! As long as he can deliver like he did on the 1st 'Mixtape About Nothing' he's good $. I'm kind of excited for this. His cd is admittedly slept on by me. smh well that's the thing about good music, you can always come back to it.
Been hearing multiple grumblings from producers that worked on Tha Carter 3 album. I don't understand why they would show such a lack of respect for the people that definitely provided Wayne with the blueprint to how the album would play out.. The sick part is these n*ggas have a real history with jerking people out of their money. Clean it up geez..
Edit: if it didn't make sense before it's because I posted the wrong video. yeeeesssh! My bad. Problem solved
Haven't been sleeping well and I can feel it catching up to me which sucks because I need to have energy to get around in this heat.
Your poem was ill. I could've cried at the emotion and honesty alone. My drunkenness wouldn't allow for such things. so I passed out half amazed half bitter. Did she just... Nah my sh*t was better lol but you have me thinking I may have lent a hand in creating a whole different kind of monster. I win. Again.
Gotta be careful in claiming my victories as my conquests are hardly taken how they were intended to be.
Know that this weaves in and out through my entire body and causes an emotional collapse. Dead*ss last night I was sobbing, I don't know the chords tug at me. However, it captures the pressures of sorrow, doubt, extreme anxiety, and lost love for me. Diggeth.
I don't know why Ive never seen this video before today. Maybe I did and I just... shame on me.
Anyway in light of all the walking that's going on coupled with musical compositions from my favorites I've found myself literally taking trips down memory lane. This particular song hit me hard today. I just so happened to be with Marley on a loooong expedition and 'beautiful' came on. I don't know if it would've been the same without her, but I was deep into my memory so it didn't really matter.
I remember I used to walk with ipod in tow (I miss that little guy...) blasting Eminem's relapse album just prior to coming home for good. Those were tough times because I literally had no 1 for a little while. Everybody had went back home relocated or whatever, I was stuck bouncing in and out of Freshman dorms (ha shoutout to Little Tokyo) trying to keep Marley from being taken away (I would have to leave her caged in strange random locations hiding places. People would call complaints would be made. The end result of which usually ended in me sprinting through town to combat the false allegations of an abandoned dog... see I was evicted, but that's just. What wasn't was them trying to treat my dog like the rest of my stuff. no dice.)
So walking today was in a way therapeutic. The scenery was most certainly different and I couldn't help but think about the huge contrasts... I lost this 1.
I just wanted to take this early morning slot to address a couple things real quick. I know I've been on some gone with the wind type sh*t, but I just want EVERY1 to know I'm not fronting 1 bit. I've been contemplating getting away without notifying a soul.
I have to be very careful with my words when I try to explain this to others because I don't want to be labeled incorrectly. Basically I'm trying to be as positive as I can right now. I know for those that see me it's 'all good' but that has more to do with me feeling I have a responsibility to uplift those around me not bring them down with my own problems.
Notice there's no label for how I'm feeling being tossed out by me. That's more because PROfessional analysis is on it's way in the near near near near future. I guess my thing is this, being in the position I am leaves an open window to peak at all things trendy, fake, and downright wrong... I should chill with my opinion.
It's LIKE this (not that), in the grand scheme of things I'm better off then a lot of people just because of the blessings BD (and mommy) made sure I had. Those that know me KNOW what it is, yet if you KNOW me when have I ever thrown any of that in YOUR face? When have you heard me talking like the over privileged kid?
I say that to say don't laugh or scoff while rolling your eyes when I say I can't because 'insert $ related issue here'. It doesn't help I have multiple habits to kick... Ahhh where was I going with this...
"he aint giving them sh*t he's just pinching pennies so hard/ he'll leave a bruise on the bronze so dark/ you can see the mark when it scars/ til Abraham Lincoln is screaming out 'AHHH!'/" Eminem Almost Famous.
I've found myself holding back with a lot of you because quite frankly I'm not comfortable trying to 'live it up' like you. The crazy part is 'living it up' doesn't have to be what you would expect. At least not in terms of HOW MUCH is being spent, and would it really matter if you have 0 anyway??
Not that I can't manage, I do that everyday lol. I just can't manage the thoughts that I think your feeling/thinking. I can't manage what I imagine. there.
I try to be open with how I think/feel, but most of the time I feel like that works against me. Meghan knows because I've tried to voice some of those frustrations with her before. Only to be left frustrated. If people can't get it that's fine, I just ask not to be judged like I don't make ANY f*cking sense. F*ck outta here with all that.
People need to start doing some f*cking homework before pressing their opinion on an unsuspecting mind. I've been this way for a minute, a long minute. Think the opposite of New York.
I've rambled on long enough saying half of what I meant to in the 1st place. It's cool peep the song. I'm on, I have another busy day full of mysteries to get to. Catch me if you can!
Mornings something I can’t dig cause it takes me places I can’t live. I REALLY want today to be great in an ‘epic’ sort of way but like all things I’m going to have to wait it out. I’m trying to be bold without being imposing. I don’t know how to split the balance between the 2 , but it’s a fun inside project.
If I can make today about some1 other than myself we should all benefit from it. I just want to see smiley faces and happy things, hear intricacy, and live creatively. For today.
I need an umbrella dead*ss its too hot to be treckin like this under the sun. I’m not tripping over the 1, 2 aspect of it all I just don’t want to have to pack much. I’m naturally warm(er).
Btw I’ve already failed in some small way at keeping it peaceful, not to mention NOT about me but it’s cool there’s more sun to get through. I have to get better being more efficient especially now that I have to maximize whatever time I can salvage if I want to move forward. No biggie.
I’m sleepy .. I want to give in to it. I think I might, only if the conditions are right….
*at this point, sh*thit the f*cking proverbial fan*
Meaning there was a lull/break in the writing of this blog entry. I was out doing what I was writing about having to do but not wanting to do. Anyway MY car was the vehicle being driven. Well, that thing decided it would be cool to show me the devil’s wrath. Or at the very least (ignoring my penchant for OVERexaggerations) what the devil’s wrath COULD look like in its infant stages (smoke… I’m really not that far out there. The b*tch was catching on fire)
I had MAD stuff to get done and after having my dead car towed to my house (Jessica Jessica Jessica thank you! Muah!) I went on with the rest of the things that had to get done. People don’t realize or think to put the 2 and 2 together when I said I was 1, 2’in from place to place, but regardless I had a long day under a very hot sun with NO umbrella ella ella ayyyyeeee!!!
I DID get a lot done, but it was what I didn’t get to do that kind of had me feeling like I took an L on the day (that’s a loss for you slowtards).
I FINALLY got to unleashing myself (again like it’s KS all over) on twitter. Some people are like what? Others remember what it was and are more responsive. I’m loving it though, until I get to settle down in the chair across from the psychologist it’s about as good as it gets.
IEshutting me off and turning my mind on leads to very interesting results. As long as I keep those pesky ‘oh sh*t people I know and don’t are reading my f*cking thoughts’ insecurities at a distance I’ll be A-Ok.
So for the plans that didn’t get attended to, I apologize. HOPEFULLY there will be other days for whatever the plans were.I’m kind of stuck on being focused right now.. You know plan turtle lol kind of like team Edward or whatever other ‘teams’ those Twilight folks have behind them, only it’s not physical or human or… I guess it’s just not those2.
Long live plan a, b, and c. They fought hard and served their purpose.
Music…That’s another entry. Let’s just say I’m COMPLETELY content. Therefore, I fear no thought or reality of loneliness. I love and miss you all! Try to do the same..
I was/am getting ready to just get gone. I've grown far too exhausted trying to catch up to where I should already be. Thing is the things I wish not to be as well as the locations are all things I wished to see.
I'm just tired of the image you've given me. It's time for something new. <<--- ayo Charles sample those sentences for me. I don't really trust any1 else to do it.
I'm at a point where the notions of what I think are becoming reality to how I feel. Not cool at all, not healthy either. I've tried shaking this off in a variety of different ways. Some more successful than others, I guess they all worked from some1's perspective. Whatever... Today I did 1 of the healthier choices. Worked like a charm.
I'm an excellent painter, so I painted.
However, once I left my paints and decided it was time to let you in again I was embraced with disappointment. I guess none of the parties involved get it either because we are all saying the same thing. aka knot getting anywhere.
*yeah yeah purposeful ^*
Walking... More walking...
I'm taking it back to those walking days. Sometimes because I want to sometimes because I have to. My feet are getting their work in though. Sooooooooo don't be mean about it k? *cough* megherz *cough*
So yeah, the trip... I don't know. I feel like I just need to go, and apart of me is ready to do just that. There's still too much holding me back at the moment so I'm chilling. Fact's are as stated: I don't feel good about MY own positioning in life at the moment. I do not feel good about the people AROUND me in my life. I don't feel good about the reciprocation of an emotional equal who at the moment is also absent. yeah that deep. I feel isolated most all of the time. I've heard a lot of things that were meant to describe me and none of them were true. I'm not feeling good bout being misunderstood. I'm not feeling good sleeping from place to place while never feeling completely welcome.
There's more that's supposed to be left unsaid. I'll oblige this go round because while I'm currently feeling low I'm trying to get up..
I'm not feeling good about missing emails.. I know this goes against what I just said ^ but I don't know what happened to a good friend of mine and I want/NEED to see her if I can. So if the email timing of the universe is just off for all can you please let me know your good? paging Dr. Margot are we good?? I snapped today in my notebook, it's yours come get it!
People don't trust me, and I'm not tripping really I'm working on trusting myself. Just know I'm ready if need be to be OUT in a major way. Different city, state, and or country. I'm not playing around.
People should respect my words since it's obvious these looks have gotten me oh so far.
'your such a player you probably tell that to ALL the girls' yeah YOU got me.
Try digging me cause I make you want to.. The night sky is something 'un' and 'ling' when there are no stars to snuggle in it. Odd looking and out of place.. Shout out to LC. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh LC....