Once again I'm being forced to ignore what is expected of me, my phone rings and while I feel neglected I wait 10 minutes to check it I guess I'm content living in make believe scenes where grass is always green and bully's are only mean. to describe their average status in society. lavishness doesn't drive me but I know it's inside me. I need need answers I can trust I'm paranoid from the tree but I believe something is up. Questioning what's tough what's pain and what's enough of a sign to tell my body to tell my mind I'm not fine. Thinking I found it, as if I was searching, I trying ignoring it, that shit isn't working. Life is imperfect, but I love to love, Life is worth it. Past sick of feeling worthless I look down insecure wondering where the dirt is? No clean serine scheme, opposite of that I'm feeling worse than a tire with no tracts after the sky just blacked on some thunderstorm sh1t. I'm on the freeway speeding trying to get home quick. but I'm sick, and pushing the machine to the limit sounds less and less legit of an idea. My prize here just the knowledge that I lived cried and laughed with loved 1's for years. Some weren't afforded that much I see that as a bunch I love people a fact no 1 can debunk. Enough is enough need to cuff me a hug embrace the love and climb back up from the hole I dug. But LOVE you don't get it, I've done everything besides quit 'it' and I can't be acquitted for an act like that. Not in your eyes you'd rather die a little each day with me by your side. I agree "Let's ride" We go on that way for days then we fall behind and remind ourselves of why we found faults in our relationships design. More tears more bitterness more lingering question some times I'll just test shit, offer a suggestion and next thing you know I'm at your neck again. Figurtively. do I even have to say it? we've been through too much but sometimes it feels like we're days in. That new love, that ooo look at you love, that I'm bugged if you think I don't need you love. But that's the thing about the mud, storms, and floods. We can't catch ground on slippery surfaces, and every little failure is feeding my nervousness. It's not supposed to be this so topsy turvy, but we're swirving like cursive "STOP IT EARLY!" My mind speaks and I think for a minute I might listen. Of course I dismiss it, fuck we're both too dismissive of each other, but here's my mother I gotta go. Marley's waiting and it's no longer cold. Get this walk started get back off the road, to get back what I road on the path to recovering. I'm hovering above some lover's drift there's hope in what I wrote, please try and discover it.
I'm planning on simplifying things breaking them back down to the bare minimum in terms of happiness and unhappiness. No grey areas, just are you feeling GOOD, or BAD. when I lean to the right everything light diminishes and I'm left in darkness. I can't sit in the dark for too long without wondering if I'll ever see light again. Everybody's cool with that sh1t, I'm dying trying to be like them.
Apparently, I'm too sensitive. Yeah I am sensitive. I could continue on with a list of what I am "too" much of, but that'll just bring THAT feeling I spoke about last time back, and I'll feel physically ill. Then I'll slowly become mentally ill diagnosing my physical stature. Followed by a loss in spirit f*ck...
Music/Basketball. It hurts to even think about basketball much, but I'm going to dive right back in. As I'm descending headfirst into that I'll be receiving an earful, that will hopefully keep me where I need to be and restore some of that spirit I've lost.
N1ggas just want to f*ck 'b1tches'. Girls all hate on each other, and we've shown the world how to be destructive with a full set of cards at our disposal. Here comes that sick feeling again, my heart hurts my head is way too light right now. See I'm in the middle of a sick realization. I don't change much of anything... Either way it's still gonna keep moving. Like we're all so minimal in the grand scheme. Here today, gone tomorrow.
I find the most beautifullest thing. Yeah I know...
I resisted a strong urge to go post crazy yesterday. There was really no reason for me not to, a lot of stuff had my inquisitive senses bubbling. However, I resisted because doing what's comfortable is easy. Doing what we're used to isn't even a second thought. Habitual behaviors aren't necessarily good or bad, but in my case most of them have negative effect on me directly or indirectly.
So I went against what was natural to me and in doing so hopefully I'll gain a valuable perspective. I just want to be everything ever1 is to me. I find the most difficult thing about doing that is not offending any1 in the process. Hard to do, well who am I kidding? It's impossible, but I strive, I strive.
While I felt a lot of foul ish went down yesterday, it's okay it's over with and I'm cool with accepting that. I'm careful to make a descriptive note of the things bothering me, and the things that stand out for whatever reasons. I took a different approach and was truthfully disappointed with the results. I don't know, for me when I act with some1 solely in mind and it doesn't yield very attractive results I get frustrated. AKA Revert back to what I know, the 1 person that'll let me down and I just have to live with it (or would I?).
Ironically enough when I get reclusive I get all kinds of new sh1t to deal with, compounding the feelings I was already harboring. I honestly feel like I work harder at changing things about me for others than most. It's starting to get to the point where I have time to myself like today, and I decide to keep it that way. I don't know what to do or where to go right now, I just know I did what was uncomfortable to me and still came out on the bottom with every1 sh1tting on me.
I'm not exaggerating either, people are so fickle.. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to forget what you did, or how you acted? The fact that you turned your back? See, with me as much as I love to hang my hat on the fact that I do forgive, and I am loyal. It's incredibly hard for me to look past people doing me wrong, when I consider their motives and perspective. I can understand it, but it f*cking hurts. I'm sick of feeling like sh1t to myself. About myself, only to turn and then catch more of the same from whoever.
I'm just gonna breathe and move on. Yet, knowing I'm at this point I'm still tested and tempted. Every1 else has been cut off, or communication has stalled and I'm still here blogging. Still doing the same thing I was doing when EVERYTHING WAS GREAT. People got some nerve talking about people changed. No, I've just seen more to let me know when somethings aren't right. I don't sugarcoat or try to hold my tongue, I'm just trying to be me. Who just so happens to be trying to be free. Don't see me with the confines you place around others to surround every idea and make it fit the norm. PLEASE.
So sick of everything. I've want to get rid of this unhappy feeling. I'm trying, but at the same time I feel like I got til Wed. to live. F*ck the bs, f*ck the stress. IF you had less than a week to live how much bs would you put up with? F That, Like I SAID I'm tired, AND SICK. Just want good things and because I can't control any of that I'm shifting my focus once more. This stagnancy is so unappealing. These thoughts aren't cool. The only time I feel like I'm at peace is when I sleep, and you might not wake up from that. Or getting up, but your dying quicker for that. I don't know what's left to be pouring it out.
Crafting a NEW top whatever list. He's definitely on it somewhere near the top.
I constantly speak to people about music, it's 1 of the reasons I get through each day. The difference between what I'm pushing and what's 'hot' is quite simple really. Some of ya'll just as shallow as the music you consume. Half of ya'll don't know why you like what you like. Blu, is 1 of the brightest examples I can find.
Constantly pushing the envelope a la Kanye/Lupe (These references are for the shallow listeners to understand chill I know.) never satisfied with the boxes critics placed him in. I want you to keep in mind, every Blu release has been critically acclaimed, meaning he struck a formula for his music that was received extremely well. That may coincidentally be a gift and a curse as some fans (such as myself) have longed for him to go back to older styles/sounds. Bottom line, whatever he's doing and however he's doing music he makes a dope *ss product.
I almost forgot this was despite lackluster sound quality (due to very bare minimum recording tools/space)!
Need more? He's been cosigned by every major act in the game. In other words, he just may very well be your favorite rappers favorite rapper. Part of the super collective The All-City Chess Club (ACCC) spearheaded by the aforementioned Lupe Fiasco. Look it up...
In other words, he's done EVERYTHING right up to this point. With the major label backing he has it's interesting to see where his career will go from here. 1 Thing I absolutely love; a trait I'm learning most all of my artists share, is that he LOVES music. Loves to create music, loves to experiment with music. So while he may never be Jay-Z, unlike Hov (I actually have no real way of knowing this, I'm sure Hov got Albums for days in the can... Ehhh Ionno)he'll always be making music for public consumption in some form. It may not be the type people are hoping for but the point is he does it for the LOVE. I'm sick of this sh1t man, like dead*ss annoyed so many actors out there.
I can't really hate though, if some1 told me I could make millions or 'stay true' come on. It'd be a tough decision, but hey I made those when I was in a position of power before so then again, I can't really respect the 'sellouts' either.
That's why when worse comes to worse I just go with the music. If it's dope it's dope ya know?
Anyway though he's not my favorite, I'd consider him a hybrid of my 2 favorite emcees' styles which is a GOOD thing (to me). Lastly, dude production is SLEPT on something ridiculous. That's enough promoting from me check out Below The Heavens, Johnson & Jonson, HerFavoriteColo(u)r to name a few. DOPENESS.
I wish more MC's would take up this sort of attitude in regards to healthy competition. Mr. Ray just earned a little bit more respect from me. He's not out the clear yet for the train session he let execs run on his album, but No Genre and this helps.
I see people are quite comfortable on the internets with their significant others. Me too. lol smh... Starting to get the feeling the ultimatum was me damn. That WOULD suck, and if that is the case where's the loyalty? It's all good some decisions are harder to come by than others I know that much, so I can't hold too much against any1.
I still think about if I could do it. I mean I've done it but always been open to interaction. Like if I was contacted cool, I'm not pursuing the interaction though. Relationships... U gotta be willing to conform right? So if the other was just dead*ss not cool with something then you have to come to some sort of agreement before both parties can move on healthily.
That's where I messed up. I was, or thought I was ok with something I wasn't. I can say I haven't thrown any friends under the bus that didn't f*cking go throw themselves out into the middle of the f*cking highway during Rush hour. Lord that was dumb of you. Which is to say I've never ever turned my back on a friend. I can hardly think of when I've turned my back on an enemy. It's just not in me.
You can become an enemy if that's what your aiming for. That would be hurtful, a lot is going to be hurtful regardless there's just no turning away from that; but malicious intent? Not too sure I could ACCEPT it like I have in the past.
I'm trying to get to a point where I'm accepting less and dealing with more. Meaning I don't want your bs, I don't want to kill everything I'm doing to accommodate your plans. Next, after acceptance is dealing with being by myself.
Clarification is needed.
In a relationship, physical or not (friendship) both people are aware that they have somebody to lean on. They can confide in that person... Think of it like an extra bullet in the chamber. So let's say you had plans to do something and they got cancelled, well you know you have that bullet in the chamber. You can fire off your gun and possibly hit a target of relevance(No 1 love). When you don't have those relationships you don't have those extra bullets in the chamber.
So while I may tend to spend the majority of my time alone, I always, ALWAYS have the option of that person. Not having that option will take extreme getting used to. I'll do it if need be because that's what humans do, live and adapt or die. I'm not ready to die, I think I might, but I'm not ready yet.
The thing about life that I undoubtedly love is it really doesn't give a f*ck whether your ready or not.
I have an empty gun and I'm used to having somewhere around less than half a clip dig me? I'm not angry. I don't harbor anger anymore, just understanding. Peace will follow. Hello to another cycle.
If I travel around suburban neighborhoods on foot listening to music I am viewed as a threat. If I travel around suburban neighborhoods on foot with my dog while listening to music, I am viewed as a threat. If I do that with my dog while listening to music with R2-d2 on my back I get a pass.
If I travel around hood neighborhoods on foot listening to music I am viewed as another n1gga aka a potential threat, but for the most part cool. If I travel around hood neighborhoods with my dog while listening to music I am viewed as a threat. If I do both those things in the hood with R2-d2 on my back it's fight or flight.
Not to say I know why this is. In fact, I've gone places I probably shouldn't be with R2 won my back and been fine. In most cases no1 messes with me. There are those few though... Moral of the observation, don't go where you shouldn't be and if it is absolutely necessary don't go alone. The question being why? More thinking to find that out... Wild guess says it has something to do with race and gender but hey, what do I know.
People let yourselves go. If your dealing with me, understand a few fundamental rules that will no doubt make things less stressful for both of us. 1st off, you being uncomfortable just makes me uncomfortable. I'm too easy going for all that what you uncomfortable for?
If you have a vision for yourself, go for it and attack without 2nd guessing yourself. I know a little bit about what it takes to do things that people say you won't be able to do. I never listened. In fact, it never even crossed my mind that I wouldn't do what I set out to do for myself. All I knew is that I would do it, didn't know how but it would be done.
Friends are shaky. That's my observation anyway. I see them trying to conform into a shape that's uncomfortable for them. I see them dismissing old vows to themselves; this happens frequently and honestly, I can't be around it anymore. I took a 2 year hiatus from life as I knew it, and I'm ready to get my sh1t back.
I'm starting to realize we humans make mountains out of molehills to live. To feel alive. Without controversy to drive them they feel dead, numb to most. Even with the controversy they feel that way, but it's the only time they can get others to feel like them. Well if they play their cards right. Think about the last issue you had some1 and what you made of it. Was it even worth it?
When I do that I find that most times I'm embarrassed or upset with myself because it wasn't worth it. I don't like allowing ignorance to cloud my judgement, and when I do I feel like I let myself down, because I did. I'm gonna let things be. Some things are going to be off, and I'll have absolutely no control over that. I need to work on what I can control, so I'm gonna do that.
Ambitious 1's go get it, stop thinking so much. Get outside of yourself and think about what the next person is willing to do that your NOT doing now. Lastly, don't measure your success from what the next person has or is doing. Do you and do it in complete honesty.
But I'm tired of being lonely. I've felt lonely in crowds before, and recently I've felt lonely specifying my time for 1. Monophobia. I'd rather be miserable with you than to suffer the unknowns of life without you. However, that is a weak form of thinking. 1 I'm reluctant to do away with ironically. I don't know how these things came to be, I have clues as to why though. All I can do is sit and think about the 'why's'. Sense doesn't add up, and I have to retreat back to what I know. Unfortunately what I know leaves me more confused, so I turn to where I'm comfortable. Cycle after cycle after f*cking cycle. Monophobia. I don't have to be alone, but I don't want to be put in positions to do things I don't want to do. I'm not about waking up everyday trying to figure out how to get my d1ck wet. Grow up n1ggas this ain't high school anymore. Matter of fact it's because of them, I can't just be. I can't within the confines of a relationship seek out the advice and tutelage I'm looking for, when I've outgrown my partner's perspective. Such would be filed under dishonesty, cheating, wavering, etc. It became obvious to me that I couldn't be everything for some1 if I wanted to. In order to do that I have to hold too much of myself back. Fortunately, you'll get your life back. Things are going to get a little more worse before they get better for me anyway. I feel that way because on MY end. The 1 where no1 else is to blame but me, I haven't done very much that I needed to. Hopefully recent events will help give me the push I've been missing but I really don't know. I thought some pretty wild thoughts the other day, and I've been known to get wild in my head, but this time I had to check myself. Time will tell if it was a product of something else, or if I really need to check myself. I think I really need to check myself, so I did, and I will. I think the worst part about all of this.. Or any disagreement where feelings are involved is that the other always feels hurt. I never set out to hurt anybody. I understand things I do may hurt you, and we may actually lose our friendship, but to accuse some1 of purposefully doing those things. Come on... Silliness. I'll be the accused for now though. Definitely didn't charge my ipod, so I'm listening to Devil music on the way to church. *shrugs* THEY gave the words that power, not me. I'm vibing, over monoophobia.
Yea well let's see these talents of mine, that have exponentially been driven into the ground and pissed away... Yeah I'll pick those back up. Just as soon as I set EVERYTHING else back down. Yep I stopped doing things I loved because I wanted to and doing them again is as easy as doing them.
I should run 10 blogs. With 10 different themes. Interlocking them all together, streamlining posts.. Imagine the possibility for confusion and the magnitude of excuses I could pull out my *ss. Just a thought.. Unless I'm already doing that.
"if it happened, it probably wouldn’t matter anymore. Rubbing the welts on my face takes perspective and properly gets it placed somewhere along the lines of ‘ow’ and ‘did she just hit my face?’ Still in disbelief. Ironic of me to have trouble believing as the seasons turn to tiny shorts and sun burns..."
Working towards it. Talent is undeniable, and yet you've heard it all before.
I had something hilarious :(to me anyway): that was going to go somewhere in this general area.. Doesn't want to cooperate with me. O well, I still got a good laugh out of it. So far so good, still rocking into positivity word to lil b.
U read it. Great. Now 'why is all you focus on the negative' Excuse me. IF you read this blog and the entries you focus on are negatively written and you feel you may or may not be the subject of that, get over yourself. I don't say that because you AREN't the subject, sh1t you very well may be. I say it because if all you can take out of this blog, out of the 500+ entries found here is that I'm "upset" with you over an issue, than you don't need to f*ck with me. Suicidal thoughts and tendencies take a backseat to your feelings huh? It'd be 1 thing if it was some blatant sh1t. Which has never (maybe once) been posted here, but for the most part I keep everything general like the f*cking military. How can YOU single yourself out? I wish ya'll blogged more then once a f*cking year I know that much. It'd be nothing to take what you dished out. I used to, but then ya'll stopped. Well ok, do me a favor. Don't come to the 1 place I go to get everything out and criticize me for speaking my mind... TO MYSELF? The F*ck? I wouldn't go into your room grab your diary read through it and be like damn your really lonely huh? Well why did you call me a b1tch*ss N1gga on page 52? That's not right, I can't believe you would refer to me like that! Come on x1000! Not only does it show your thinking is incredibly limited, what's worse is it shows even more how selfish you are. When I f*ck up royally, I have to take a long hard look at the man in the mirror. No1 else. I put the onus on me and me alone. I don't see how it can be any other way. Of course when 2 or more parties are involved 'faults' tend to become lost in translation, and your communication already SUCKS so what's that make them? That's why you have the answers. Sure you need to consult and agree to disagree, blah blah, all of the basic relationship fodder. However, if you haven't looked at yourself and answered whether or not your willing/ready to be in a relationship like this than your doing yourself AND your partner a huge disservice. No doubt about that. I've fast discovered who I am, and who I want to be. So it's a matter of executing that vision until I see what I see in my head, standing in front of the mirror.
*And after all that rhyming if I refer to you as a she, N1ggas would call this Common*
It's like no matter what I do what I describe what I say i'm feeling, at the end of the day if I so much as brush upon something that 'conflicts' with your views. Not only am I in the wrong, I am grouped into past mistakes, past examples, males in general, etc. It's truly ridiculous. Ladies if you do have a good dude, well there's no real way of knowing that. If you have a dude that TRIES makes visible effort then make it work. Otherwise you really don't care and your selfish for not allowing him to enlighten his and or some1 else's life. I liken this to a college level team. If you allow the Freshman to start as a Freshman there are Seniors and Juniors who aren't going to get that same chance. But what if your starting the Freshman and he's NOT producing? Players are grumbling, the team isn't doing near as well as it should be. The coach would have to have an unbelievable leap of faith to see that decision all the way through. Now imagine months go by with the season going this way. People would be outraged... Why is a relationship any different. I know I've reached an edge where it's like yo are you smilin' dude? 'Nah' You happy man? 'I don't really know' What's the plan? 'I guess wait and see if it changes' Didn't you do that months ago?
Believe I'm being pestered now. For this very sh1t. I don't care, it's wrong to tell some1 who's expressed everything that ever meant something to them in a private free verse manner.
I've spent the majority of my time recently figuring out ways to improve myself in the eyes of you. so at 3:15 in the morning with nothing left to give, I've admittedly fallen victim to the impending failure looming. I feel weird about classifying anything as such that way, but I also feel like when you give so much and come back with so little to show you gotta keep it real.
I'm going to just leave well enough alone and deal with dead*ss being alone. I need to be dependent on me, not worried about spending my last in savings to keep us rocking doing what we love only to turn around and hear complaints about gas that I was told you were getting back... See that's the thing about relationships that matter to you. Even when you feel wronged your willing to just keep going because at 1 point that was your world. I was there at 1 point, I can't lie even been moments I felt like I had it all back.
However, with that said I can acknowledge outside modifiers and the importance they played in pulling the wool over the seeing-eye windows...
Things just frustrate me so much, mainly because I truly believe they are unfair. I hesitantly approach opening up to people because I don't trust them enough with my sensitive well-being. My state of mind is such that if you want to wrong me with fully functional ammo I've neatly laid before you, I'll let you. Maybe even more than a few times, but when I tell you 'Look that last round really took something out of me, let's take it easy' you should probably do your best to listen.
I. Really. Don't. Know.
I wish creative ideas would flow this freely when I need them, all these suggestions to MYSELF about what to do is wearing me out, but the audacity of these current circumstances has invigorated my spirit. I don't know whether I'm angry, inspired, hurt, adamant. I just don't know, I'm sick and f*cking tired of not knowing. Not because I'm against ignorance; I am, but in this case I can't properly function correctly thinking for 2. Not when neither of us is on the same page...
*Mistakes are just mean*
Music is still there though, and I find that in times like these I tend to forget how heavily I relied on it and Marley (whoo) to get through things. Ya'll was there don't get me wrong, and I love you for it, but this has to be me. Everything points that way, and in hindsight I've managed to mess up and take myself so far from who I am that it's ridiculous. It only becomes that much more apparent when you need your image 'protected' to massage your peers' need for a stab at equivalency.
I'm not POINTING THE FINGER. I've f*cked up been f*cked up and f*cked too many people over. For that, I'm left with a heavy reassuring bag of guilt to carry around with me. Right or wrong, THAT'S what it is.
I told myself alright man, here it goes back to the old you. Don't hold your tongue, don't ignore your instincts for bad situations. Don't put yourself in positions to move with people that don't move the way you do. I ignored all of that, simply because I'm confused in love. Find me 1 person with feelings for another, and if they aren't confused give em my number dead*ss.
Every1 I've talked to seems to be going through rather similar tribulations as myself which is somewhat calming to acknowledge. However, it made me think about WHO I have around me, and WHO I'm talking to. I know people have walked their own way leaving me to figure things out before because I wasn't mentally, physically, or spiritually ready to be with them. Not excluding males either, this is all genderless. Just saying I understand it I get it. I see so much go on and people are lost like no clue lost.
I get the the things that happen to me. I get the power of the things I say, and I get the overlaying messages I convey. People don't give me enough credit... Hey, maybe I'm THAT F*CKED UP. Seems to be, some1 HAS to be.
Just too much inside right now and I don't have the proper releases to let them out. For all the flack I fall under for my interactions with females, it's my male counterparts that have really held me together in the past. Just to have that familiar perspective that's still willing to tell it to you as brutally honest as needed is a Godsend.
Part of that's missing my 1 dude just wanna f*ck b1tches and look at me twisted when I say I really don't get it...
I won't turn this into a freewrite but come on, I'm moving places solo, not because I want to, but because every1 I know is either unwilling to or can't keep up. The solution is in me.
I just need to be a great friend. Like all world. It seems to me every time in my past I've managed to do this I've developed outstanding relationships. The only issue with this is if the aim is FRIENDship then it should remain so. In the past human nature has threatened to quell these intentions. Now, there's really no excuse and I don't give 2 sh1ts about some chicks Vaginal slit.
So that's why its difficult to be around Males and not feel stagnant. Whatever. I'm tired, the light makes me want to sleep and I think I'll reward myself. Tumblr is addicting and should not be entered into unless that person has an overabundance of self control. That may have been more addicting than twitter... Well not twitter at it's highest point but yeah POPPIN.
Definitely spent 4 hours looking at different things. I'd hand out the link here but I already did you people don't pay attention! Well I went from a sh1tty day to a worse night and I never slept, so I guess this is the start of the same thing. Although I hope and wish it's different. My interactions will be business related, anything past that is a reach.
I'm going to pat myself on the back for accomplishing some secret goals of mine. Jess knows, however in her privileged position, a lot my vulnerability has come under fire. Take that for what you will, but DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS. When some1 opens up to you, and you decide to use that information to hurt or belittle them in any way shape or form, your doing yourself a disservice.
No other way to say it. If some1 trusts you with something you better damn well make sure you cherish that privilege. Having lost quite a bit of trust this last year myself you gotta understand I'm only speaking from experience.
Goes back to the loyalty/turning your back on people. It's not me it's not in me, and I don't expect to 1 day wake up and be ok laying something I cared so much about (cause let's be real I love my people to death). I realize that it's THIS that has me where I am today, like this very f*Ckin minute.
Some things so minute, are vastly enormous. In my eyes damn near all the little things are. Or at the very least they lead up to some big sh1t going down. Either way I'm exhausted literally and with this subject at hand, It's hard to write when it does nothing for me.
"I'm not really about having a filthy mouth, but fucking b1tches be sh1ttin on a n1gga, and never hear me out"
"waking up at 12am ready to go, but she's not so I force my eyes back closed"
That must mean you don't trust sh1t that comes out of any1 else's mouth. I've been patient and given all I can give to have it spit back in my face. honestly it's f*ck everybody. I see how far I've gotten taking the high road and honestly I'm no where near impressed, disappointed actually.
It's not the end of the world though, a valuable history lesson tells me that these things tend to happen. Love has a weird way of causing people not to think correctly. Yes, I've fallen victim to this sort of thing and imagine I'll victim to it come very soon in my immediate future. How I choose to deal with it will determine exactly how far I've come.
No gas... Anyway I'm mad disrespectful and presented with mad ultimatums. I'm basically wasted without being wasted and without the side affect to not care.
Anti-depressants ain't the answer. Just seen some sh1t to AMPLIFY your anti-depressant. Word? A pill for your pills. More coming next too. I ALWAYS sound foolish to myself, and others usually sound foolish to the cynical-ity of all that goes on upstairs. Just sayin we all sound dumb as f*Ck. I figure if I incriminate myself I can't get into too much trouble, but then I remember figuring that out at the end of a long drawn out tenure still leaves chopped dinner. (I would have said liver but no no, we don't f*ck with that)... (we as in I)
Anyway, death is exhausting; dying is living.
As more and more thoughts pour in less pour out, which means this entry is about to be shutdown. Shout out to any1 I've ever kissed exhaustin' ol' death with. Do it up for me I guess...? Lol Have fun be safe type sh1t. I have NO CLUE what I'll be doing thus far. That's a lie, I know I'll be deep deep deep into some new inspiration. However that goes it will go, but as far as what I'm doing? Nah no clue.
I'm tired, angry, sad, frustrated, lonely, exhausted, confused, and seemingly on the verge of all things extreme. Normally there's plenty of good to look at so I do, but these days I just see everything I don't deserve. Did I mention all of those emotions were directed at me? Feels like everything's directed at me.
So the direction shall be a distant reflection of me.
I should be sleep, and that's not happening because my heart's too big. Marley's knocked...
*Marley so i hug marley kiss marley matter of fact why you think I'm always with marley*
yeah gonna finish this here with a treat I'm sure few will get. No insider either it aint like I went and talked to whoever about this sh1t, I just think GENIUS is f*cking hilarious. It's amazing as well, and I appreciate it to the fullest.
That's what happens when you create monsters.
Why do all my female compadres dislike 1 another? Ya'll realize we ain't NEVER goin NO WHERE with attitudes like this right? Now I ask you how you think it would feel to not move? If you like that thought, cool your weird congratulations. If not, then stop being STAGNANT. I don't want to become that, though I have.
Just had to ask... It's always been that way, but in the past (distant!) I've had to hide these relationships from each other for my own selfish reasons. Now I'm good, and it's like "oh, word? You don't f*ck with her? She got a friend that got a friend, with a dude you don't like and it's bad? Or her and her got funk, and you cool with her but not with her" type sh1t. It's rather (F*CKIN) Ridiculous!! heh...
Anyway it's wack. I'll laugh behind the scenes cause it's funny when people are wack. Ya'll wackstards lol
Not to be confused with Lil Wayne song title choices but okay to be considered a derivative of his thinking. The outward hologram has to match what my mental is displaying. So outwardly I'm going to reach. I'll be uncomfortable but I'm already uncomfortable harboring chaotic 'darkness'. I'm not tired, I am exhausted. Changing for change while I try not to get used to changes. It's already started I wonder who's noticed. "That's a smart ass way of saying..."
*I got smarter*
I censor this sh1t too. So many untouched topics. Too early.
Everything can't be as clear cut as saying THIS is better than THAT. Title of the post, take it and ask yourself the question. Which do you prefer? Now which is better? If you can answer that question definitively (your crazy lol) I have this statement;
Last night I figured everything out. The scene was peaceful, it was a classic summer night in Elk Grove. low winds nice temperature, clear skies. I was most definitely drunk... High too. Everything made sense though.
Now what's wrong with that picture?
Lol dead*ss though things were moving slow enough for me to make sense for awhile last night. I wrote 3 different pieces and lost 2 in my head.. I heard something this morning that sparked my memory though so fingers are crossed.
Sales pitch. Closing loop. It's all the same sh1t, I've done it before been trained to do it and yet I turn away from it. The end is here, there's no doubt about that. Under the heaviest realization that I'm about... I don't know whatever is small enough in space and amount to make sense of a burned down short fuse away from exclaiming the nail in the coffin with my mouth. Yikes...
Fuck all you dishonest b1tches too. When people lie, it doesn't make me mad or upset. It just confuses the sh1t out of me. The phenomenon is that we ALL do it, but you have to take close notice as to why your doing it in the 1st place. Okay...
Moving away from that because it's going to be mistaken for me calling b1tches b1tches, and not the message behind it. I'm unsure, was there 1? B1tches.... I have a newfound respect for girls in the hood. Just a whole other level of admiration. I don't know what's more of a revelation, me talking about having RESPECT for girls in the hood, or me actually having my ass in the hood. SMH I love it though, take in all aspects of the area you inhabit and you may come away with newfound knowledge.
Funny how nothing involving money remains that way for long. EVER. I'm used to it you dumb b1tches, give me lent to walk around with and I'll be okay. Not to be like I don't need money blah blah, that's crazy of course I NEED money, but I don't want for that sh1t ever. Having it brings me closer to things I should and shouldn't do, so it's a moral paradox. A standstill of good and evil. I'd like to think I've done a fairly good job of balancing the two. At least making it respectful for the good guys.
I'm a 'whateveryoucallit' and I can look at MOST of my failures especially recently knowing I went all in. That's why you'd be hard pressed to find me whining and crying over the milk on the floor. I've given all the energy I had, and unfortunately when you come to realizations like that it makes turning your back a f*cking cake walk.
B1tches think I talk out my neck, while those I respect know I'm coming straight from experience. You know how many friends I lost this year? You know how many of those people I dead*ss thought would be with me in the future raising babies together? It's that real, and maybe because of that, it's that disillusioned from the truth.
I won't sit here and act as if I've had the strongest grasp on YA'LL reality, but I know I transcend both worlds so if I'm talking out my ass then it's grab a gas mask. That stance wont't change. Change will alter stances but come on, that stance won't change.
... But yo money changes people. Excuse me. B1tches.
bob my head away from your jab your little knuckles sting I've been hit before nothing like pain to teach your ass when to hit the floor but this training's endured because the get back justified the reward unlikely way of saying/asking 'you all in or not' I wanted more or to be done for. If it's war play it out don't conform the enemies already touchdown if anything open your mouth now's the time to be what you speak about, you talking a house a car a family with a big bank account. Yet all it took was a look at the front line all the talk got shutdown. As profound as my thoughts are my actions rough up my edges I kept it a secret but now being lost and hedging pedestrians creating a wedge in between what we're supposed to grow into being, and all I get is ' probably go talk shit on your blog' well it's sh1t! no wonder no wongas tried to plunger my ass. No gas straight sucking and THEY WONDER why I'm mad? I got a whole lot of hate that you all could've had, but I was stuck thinking on how you would feel. Trust me you DON'T KNOW THIS FUCKING DRILL. I'm sitting sinking into my pill trying chill but honestly I'm getting filled with some 'go feel' shit. Like 'go feel' how a month or 2 out the blue would do you. I just got back from the last trip I tripped and dropped my glasses and now I can't see past this insistent bloodsucking tick on my dick. Graphic for the sake of being potentially drafted as some1 who'd stick their neck out longer than a giraffe's is just to show my passion. Crazy I feel like behind the curtains your little clinical ass is laughing, but it's cool... When I chill, it's hard to guess my mood. Come off different a completely new dude and I'm turning on the world because the world turned clues and spun rules away from crews on blocks and avenues that believed there was no limit for something like altitude. I don't know what I know, I just know what I see when I close my eyes or don't it's clear in front of me. Visions of my past flashes of words a dash of hope and a pasture of pain all things my mind grazes over before my 1st waking minute of each day is even over. I feeling you but I'm filled up. Tipping over. It's weird cause I'll communicate like every single breath I take I'm Dexter, part of me's fake and it goes ignored until its too late I'm on the boat bodies in the lake. Or beach river wherever he takes them you get my point, It's as sharp as medically safe for to be so close to and not use. Diagnosing illnesses because I feel in my mind these things are true. I'm gonna die playing basketball or die doing something with you. Not a wish another vision. I'm living when my ears listen.
"i spent my last penny fixing your mistake, and you didn't ask me anything"
There comes a time when you will reach your breaking point concerning your involvement with others. It's quite literally inevitable and even more normal. It all more or less goes back to human nature. The question is when one or the other stops responding what do you do next?
Here's a great example: Take 2 kids. 1's a bully the other is a normal kid. The Bully punches the kid in the arm causing him to cry out in pain, until eventually he sat sobbing in the same spot emotionally distraught and confused. The bully however, laughs and gains great pleasure in the results of his actions.
You see the bully knows that by putting out specific energy he can create specific reactions. Poke the kid watch him cry type sh1t. However once the kid learns that the reaction is what bully is really after, the entire dynamics of the game change.
When the kid is poked/punched/touched he no longer cries, but instead laughs. This angers and confuses the bully who now has no clue what to do to get a reaction out of the kid. The result ends up being an overly frustrated jumping from action to action in hopes to receive a REaction.
Learn that, and it's very likely you'll be able to encounter the majority of the problems that arise in people.
I never wanted to take, but you'll back me into a corner expecting me to wait. I need to move just when I'm ready to. True steadily declining from the mindset I set out to find. Reminding myself its not time to die yet with what I have left I'll cry my tears out before I take my next step, or my last breath. Freedom in death.
seems like every day I'm waiting on patience to kick in providing my temper's landing with cushion but every day past is a day I lose heart for looking and I'm taken back to a place where everybody's pushing With a fuse as short as mine I just need to drift away but I'm sincerely afraid I won't make it back a few naked laps around my thoughts and the process has me feeling trapped I need rhythm snares and hand claps something holy word to the Molly, but my body cant handle that. A substance to escape or a huge risk to take honestly hindsight is the only time I review mistakes when owning the moment I'm in it all outside factors get ended splendor's finished by hindering infants.
I will always providE DETAILED accounts of my thought.whether or not they are available to you is an entirely different story. The more confusing it is the more important to me the information. I'm a safe kid in an unsafe place.
I guess my words are loaded with some secret sauce.
"Bride don't leave me! But, Your choice MISS. You know where my void is, and the voices, can't even tell you where the voice is"
I love when I come across lyrics that sum up how I'm feeling so perfectly. This happens to be a piece of 1 of those lyrics. I could take any part of that quote (CH what up) and have it fit with what I'm feeling right now. It's really not funny, but so much of what goes on in my head is like that. Give me a word I'll give you 2 sentences.
The other night it was "you don't have to do that, but your choice miss". Somehow I was ostracized for that.
"you don't have to do that, but it's your choice, you know where I stand I'm confused and half the time I have no clue what to do with me and you" type sh1t. But yeah, I could see how that's malicious.
I've been unhappy at home, going outside could be therapeutic for me.
When your up after 22 hours of no sleep (that's 2 hours of down time for you smart people)at 2 am in the morning Therapy is probably necessary. I've been teetering on what exactly it is that's 'off', but I'm feeling more like coming to terms with whether or not 'help' is necessary is the real key to everything.
I've always been too... something...? To willingly divulge into what I'm feeling to anything without a vagina. Things are still that way now, I've just lost any Vaginal connections with those who could or would help in the past. Whatever, it would be more realistic to say I unceremoniously terminated those relationships.. But then that's not very realistic at all is it?
I missed a call from Kiki.
*half a bar*
Trying to figure out how to divide this time correctly.
Trying to figure out how to not lie to myself.
Trying to figure out what the hell happened to that dude I used to be.
Basically just a lot of thinking and a full circle for the blog entry.
Now that I've actually riddled the page with enough words to distract those who hate words and reading I can go in a little bit. Not to ruffle any feathers or even speak on anything that's bothering me right now, just flat out issues with things I've had in the past still going on today. Or something like that.
"When patience is combined with the ability to discriminate between the action and the one who does it, forgiveness arises naturally"
www.rebel2society.blogspot.com the address is the same (just like my number, I've changed once since I've had a cell phone during the 'Brittany Era'). There's a good reason why the blog's address never changed and that was so it would lock into your minds. Excuse me, the minds of the ("you people") 'readers'. Keyword there at the end. so I never changed my blog address that way the READERS could easily remember where they had read all of this pointless information from in the 1st place. All that to say don't ASK ME about my blog. It and it's contents will or won't be updated at the SAME ADDRESS, which is to say go read muf*cka lol. Dead*ss though, that's just silly and annoying.
I'm scared for the next 1. Being in a relationship you figure out what you like and don't like. I'm kind of excited to apply these things to a new situation, but no where near excited enough to be in a new situation again so go figure.
Tree some food and keep it sexually interesting. I'll do the rest and that to me sounds like a pretty damn good deal. Before I can even see myself pondering romantic visions with other women a sit down and those few things would have to be gone over. This is what I want, this is what I need. Wait for the rebuttal and if it doesn't match up, it's an auto no.
TREE Etiquette: O F*ckin' boy. I don't know who some of these folks came up chiefin' with, but this sh1t is out of hand! Lol I know it's 2011 so n1ggas might really not be doin the whole puff puff pass deal out the gate. I get that, cool! That doesn't mean you take the blunt and just have at it for dumb long though come on people. When I 1st started smoking I burned with n1ggas that would flat out make you feel like an idiot if you was F'n up the etiquette. Lol I'm glad though because the sh1t really is universal. You gotta pay attention next time your sharing a blunt. Look around, if n1ggas aint PPP'n peep the amount of time (and hits) each person takes with the blunt. Keep in mind that if it is said person's blunt they will more than likely take (A LITTLE) longer and (1 OR 2 MORE) HALF HITS! That half is important yo. Know the rotation! Them things are usually passed to the left, but if not it's not difficult! Your going to be receiving and passing from and to the same person every time, just pay attention! Folks that can't roll, just don't roll. Lol that 1 may get to me the most. I can't roll very well, so whenever there are more able people around I delegate the duties. It's the LOGICAL thing to do! No1 likes a F'd up blunt, that mess is the worst.
Just realized how intelligent I sound. N1ggas and blunts! N1ggas and blunts!! lmao I'm probably going to have to devote an entire post to this it's long overdue, and some of ya'll... Ya'll need some damn help. I guess the only thing worse then actually messing up the etiquette is having a warped perception on your tree. We some Cali folks! That means we have the best tree on the planet, and therefore we smoke our tree like it's the best. We don't skimp! WTF big blunts guys. THIS IS NOT KANSAS! Shout out to my man Ivan btw. Philly!!! ha Dead*ss though if you are meeting up with others (remember all this is pretty subjective to the relationship you have with individuals. These guidelines when followed will make sure you are good regardless of who your with) remember to bring a good amount of tree! There's almost nothing worse then setting something up only to get there and find so and so only has half a blunt... That's actually just not cool lol (Calming down). Again ESPECIALLY if you are with others. It's assumed that every1 has enough for them, therefore when putting it all together you get MORE! No1 likes to use up more tree for others then they would hae on themselves only to have the act go unreturned. So dead*ss... Why am I going on and on about tree? I've gone on and on about everything else, and as my news classes taught me so well timeliness is everything. Whew...
I don't mean to sound like an *sshole, it's just I know enough to know what it is I will and won't tolerate now. Some of the things I hear from people DISGUST ME. I've been 1 of those people who I've been disgusted at admittedly, I saw this and decided change was the path I was going down. I just can't see myself continuing the same mistakes over and over until I'm too burnt out to do a thing about it, and that's exactly where I'm heading.
It only sounds rude when the same 'courtesies' aren't being extended, then your a bully or out of line. My thing is this, the relationships I have in my life now are ALL people I have put in multiple years with on the friend front... (weird) So when communication occurs I expect NO FLUFF! I expect NO BUFFER. Naturally I assume that due to our relationship things can be taken to a more 'animated' level and still remain cordial and respectful towards our individual wants and desires.
In a perfect world that would work Amazingly. Apparently that's a perfect world I don't live in, and believe me I've tried to 'manifest' myself into this dimension... No luck.
Words that need to define relationships for me at this point; mutuality, and urgency. If your unwilling to sacrifice together then your just wasting your time. Unless your with some1 who's going to remain completely stagnant and never evolve mentally your going to have to do things YOU DON'T WANT TO DO. My specialty I think. For me just making the other person happy is huge. HUGE! Ironic I've kind of gotten away from that, but recognizing is the 1st step to something...
Don't make the mistake of feeling like this only applies to those romantic relationships. If there's some1 you care about, then this applies.
So it's back to the basics with people. I don't want to waste my time, but I absolutely don't want to assume your a waste of time (you all). I've always struggled with letting go, I guess because to me it's the same as failure (which isn't true at all). However as time goes on and more options are explored you have to start at least giving glances to the things you haven't tried out. That's where I'm at.
Standing tongue kissing a pistol saying to myself, "I know if I pull this trigger I'm going to die (instantly more like), but if I don't I'm going to be raped until I feel like dying, or can't feel at all."
That's a tough position, well not if your NOT into pain. I'm reeling right now dead*ss, I hurt. Thanks to the beautiful people I've got around, I probably should let you all know your appreciated real soon. I'm looking for that light at the end of this b1tch and if I can find it sooner rather than later things may just be okay. Only I hardly believe it's even possible to find.
I started this entry like 'yea I'm bout to go in taking names kickin *ss sort of thing' Naaah I was about to for a minute, but this was started at like 2am and it's now almost 11am 2entries in. Whatever, I got a lot off my chest, and let the petty sh1t rest.
Today needs to be an awesome day. I really don't care how it gets there, I'm just living. I wrote this like this on purpose. "I want it to be hard to follow, because when I'm straightforward it's gonna be hard to swallow." Basically I get cryptic to keep feelings safe. In this case, these are honestly generalizations I've been thinking about for awhile... Still Awesomeness please...
I gotta shout Alex out she dead*ss be up on my sh1t. Like more than I do, and Alex that means a lot! Some1 help me with this notebook (colors) so I can get busy in a new way. For those wondering, the last year I've undergone some major fundamental changes in myself that consequentially have force me to change the way I write. I HAVE been writing a lot most of it doesn't make sense, and that doesn't matter because it was all practice. Basically I got a notebook full of my head if some1 wants it. Any1, we do mail things. I only ask that if some1 happens to be interested enough, that they take the time to give me some feedback. I just want to know what you think about what I think, or how I think.
I don't THINK too many would stick by me so yeah, you do get a lot of credit for doing so. Part of the reason your departure was such a disappointment Meron. What can you do though? Seriously what can you do?!
Pay attention people. I know a friend that spoke on fake love or rather fake concern. Don't tell me something to my face or over the phone *Because it sounds good!*. That will just result in whatever you told me coming back to bite you in the *ss, because I really mean what I say and I expect the same from everybody I associate with. Sh1t me and X got into it the other day over something similar. Say what you say, and mean what you say.
I've shattered the current tangent record on file, and with good reason. The day I'm no longer afraid to face what I'm feeling in an honest manner will be a messy 1. I can't help how I feel, I just know enough now to realize how I feel is a weapon against me. So it's quiet. Again.
RANDoM - 'repeat after me I, state your name' you know what that does to your brain!? lol
*The only thing at stake is a pasta bowl, but I know...*
Don't know how I do it LOl!
Learning quite a bit in a very short period of time, all of which WILL serve me for the rest of my life involving the opposite sex. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained so it's not taking much to sideline me indefinitely. Let alone flat out treat me unfairly, something I have to take full responsibility for.
I swear it gets amusing just noticing how much I'm noticed lately. It's cool and scary at the same time. Cool because the extra attention and scary because I've built up strong barriers to remove myself from danger. Guess that's when some1's mental fortitude comes into play right?
"Have u been blogging?" smh I've been BREATHING!
I want a new notebook... Need some ill color schemes cause I kinda want to go in if I may. We'll see...
Turning over a new leaf in so many ways today hence, the title of the entry. I'm excited for this opportunity because I'm depressed at the others I've squandered so far up to this point. Mistakes will be righted though, steps have already been taken to ensure that.
Honestly, I just want the strength to do what's right for me. I've come to realize people usually don't know what that is, and when they DO figure out what it is they are unwilling to make the changes necessary. Making hard decisions has never been my forte so to speak.
I may be moving to LA in a few months. A move is a long time coming whether it be to the heart or to depart from my city it's happening. I've known that for quite some time and shared such information frequently, so really no surprise. I guess I just want to see if its actually going to happen, I have my doubts and my doubts come from familiar letdowns. Let it all go is what I should do, and I will for now just wait and watch day to day. A change would be great though...
Music is cool right now I can't even complain she's doing what she has to and so am I. Funny how things can be good for days and days on end but that 1 bad song can leave a hell of a taste in your mouth. Sorry Music, but f*Ck it you started it. in the meantime I am feeling rushes of inspiration and I want to compare what my mind inspired today is to my mind inspired from yesteryear or whatever past inspirational pieces I find... Compare and contrast, while trying not to notice how much worse I've gotten lol
*We talkin' bout practice!*
Nah I think I'm ready to jump off this '2-year-stay plateau' I've been getting comfortable with. I mean, damn it HAS been 2 years out this b1aaa.
Who remembers 'BIA BIA!!' ?? smh now that's some sh1t, but hey it was inspiration to some1. I feel I don't go in like I used to. Too concerned about feelings and whatnot, which really sucks in my opinion. This was supposed to be for me, but I guess if I'm reaching I gotta have something to reach out to.
Music... Something different this time around. F*ck with me.