I had something hilarious :(to me anyway): that was going to go somewhere in this general area.. Doesn't want to cooperate with me. O well, I still got a good laugh out of it. So far so good, still rocking into positivity word to lil b.
U read it. Great. Now 'why is all you focus on the negative' Excuse me. IF you read this blog and the entries you focus on are negatively written and you feel you may or may not be the subject of that, get over yourself. I don't say that because you AREN't the subject, sh1t you very well may be. I say it because if all you can take out of this blog, out of the 500+ entries found here is that I'm "upset" with you over an issue, than you don't need to f*ck with me. Suicidal thoughts and tendencies take a backseat to your feelings huh? It'd be 1 thing if it was some blatant sh1t. Which has never (maybe once) been posted here, but for the most part I keep everything general like the f*cking military. How can YOU single yourself out? I wish ya'll blogged more then once a f*cking year I know that much. It'd be nothing to take what you dished out. I used to, but then ya'll stopped. Well ok, do me a favor. Don't come to the 1 place I go to get everything out and criticize me for speaking my mind... TO MYSELF? The F*ck? I wouldn't go into your room grab your diary read through it and be like damn your really lonely huh? Well why did you call me a b1tch*ss N1gga on page 52? That's not right, I can't believe you would refer to me like that! Come on x1000! Not only does it show your thinking is incredibly limited, what's worse is it shows even more how selfish you are. When I f*ck up royally, I have to take a long hard look at the man in the mirror. No1 else. I put the onus on me and me alone. I don't see how it can be any other way. Of course when 2 or more parties are involved 'faults' tend to become lost in translation, and your communication already SUCKS so what's that make them? That's why you have the answers. Sure you need to consult and agree to disagree, blah blah, all of the basic relationship fodder. However, if you haven't looked at yourself and answered whether or not your willing/ready to be in a relationship like this than your doing yourself AND your partner a huge disservice. No doubt about that. I've fast discovered who I am, and who I want to be. So it's a matter of executing that vision until I see what I see in my head, standing in front of the mirror.
*And after all that rhyming if I refer to you as a she, N1ggas would call this Common*
It's like no matter what I do what I describe what I say i'm feeling, at the end of the day if I so much as brush upon something that 'conflicts' with your views. Not only am I in the wrong, I am grouped into past mistakes, past examples, males in general, etc. It's truly ridiculous. Ladies if you do have a good dude, well there's no real way of knowing that. If you have a dude that TRIES makes visible effort then make it work. Otherwise you really don't care and your selfish for not allowing him to enlighten his and or some1 else's life. I liken this to a college level team. If you allow the Freshman to start as a Freshman there are Seniors and Juniors who aren't going to get that same chance. But what if your starting the Freshman and he's NOT producing? Players are grumbling, the team isn't doing near as well as it should be. The coach would have to have an unbelievable leap of faith to see that decision all the way through. Now imagine months go by with the season going this way. People would be outraged... Why is a relationship any different. I know I've reached an edge where it's like yo are you smilin' dude? 'Nah' You happy man? 'I don't really know' What's the plan? 'I guess wait and see if it changes' Didn't you do that months ago?
Believe I'm being pestered now. For this very sh1t. I don't care, it's wrong to tell some1 who's expressed everything that ever meant something to them in a private free verse manner.
I've spent the majority of my time recently figuring out ways to improve myself in the eyes of you. so at 3:15 in the morning with nothing left to give, I've admittedly fallen victim to the impending failure looming. I feel weird about classifying anything as such that way, but I also feel like when you give so much and come back with so little to show you gotta keep it real.
I'm going to just leave well enough alone and deal with dead*ss being alone. I need to be dependent on me, not worried about spending my last in savings to keep us rocking doing what we love only to turn around and hear complaints about gas that I was told you were getting back... See that's the thing about relationships that matter to you. Even when you feel wronged your willing to just keep going because at 1 point that was your world. I was there at 1 point, I can't lie even been moments I felt like I had it all back.
However, with that said I can acknowledge outside modifiers and the importance they played in pulling the wool over the seeing-eye windows...
Things just frustrate me so much, mainly because I truly believe they are unfair. I hesitantly approach opening up to people because I don't trust them enough with my sensitive well-being. My state of mind is such that if you want to wrong me with fully functional ammo I've neatly laid before you, I'll let you. Maybe even more than a few times, but when I tell you 'Look that last round really took something out of me, let's take it easy' you should probably do your best to listen.
I. Really. Don't. Know.
I wish creative ideas would flow this freely when I need them, all these suggestions to MYSELF about what to do is wearing me out, but the audacity of these current circumstances has invigorated my spirit. I don't know whether I'm angry, inspired, hurt, adamant. I just don't know, I'm sick and f*cking tired of not knowing. Not because I'm against ignorance; I am, but in this case I can't properly function correctly thinking for 2. Not when neither of us is on the same page...
*Mistakes are just mean*
Music is still there though, and I find that in times like these I tend to forget how heavily I relied on it and Marley (whoo) to get through things. Ya'll was there don't get me wrong, and I love you for it, but this has to be me. Everything points that way, and in hindsight I've managed to mess up and take myself so far from who I am that it's ridiculous. It only becomes that much more apparent when you need your image 'protected' to massage your peers' need for a stab at equivalency.
I'm not POINTING THE FINGER. I've f*cked up been f*cked up and f*cked too many people over. For that, I'm left with a heavy reassuring bag of guilt to carry around with me. Right or wrong, THAT'S what it is.
I told myself alright man, here it goes back to the old you. Don't hold your tongue, don't ignore your instincts for bad situations. Don't put yourself in positions to move with people that don't move the way you do. I ignored all of that, simply because I'm confused in love. Find me 1 person with feelings for another, and if they aren't confused give em my number dead*ss.
Every1 I've talked to seems to be going through rather similar tribulations as myself which is somewhat calming to acknowledge. However, it made me think about WHO I have around me, and WHO I'm talking to. I know people have walked their own way leaving me to figure things out before because I wasn't mentally, physically, or spiritually ready to be with them. Not excluding males either, this is all genderless. Just saying I understand it I get it. I see so much go on and people are lost like no clue lost.
I get the the things that happen to me. I get the power of the things I say, and I get the overlaying messages I convey. People don't give me enough credit... Hey, maybe I'm THAT F*CKED UP. Seems to be, some1 HAS to be.
Just too much inside right now and I don't have the proper releases to let them out. For all the flack I fall under for my interactions with females, it's my male counterparts that have really held me together in the past. Just to have that familiar perspective that's still willing to tell it to you as brutally honest as needed is a Godsend.
Part of that's missing my 1 dude just wanna f*ck b1tches and look at me twisted when I say I really don't get it...
I won't turn this into a freewrite but come on, I'm moving places solo, not because I want to, but because every1 I know is either unwilling to or can't keep up. The solution is in me.
I just need to be a great friend. Like all world. It seems to me every time in my past I've managed to do this I've developed outstanding relationships. The only issue with this is if the aim is FRIENDship then it should remain so. In the past human nature has threatened to quell these intentions. Now, there's really no excuse and I don't give 2 sh1ts about some chicks Vaginal slit.
So that's why its difficult to be around Males and not feel stagnant. Whatever. I'm tired, the light makes me want to sleep and I think I'll reward myself. Tumblr is addicting and should not be entered into unless that person has an overabundance of self control. That may have been more addicting than twitter... Well not twitter at it's highest point but yeah POPPIN.
Definitely spent 4 hours looking at different things. I'd hand out the link here but I already did you people don't pay attention! Well I went from a sh1tty day to a worse night and I never slept, so I guess this is the start of the same thing. Although I hope and wish it's different. My interactions will be business related, anything past that is a reach.
I'm going to pat myself on the back for accomplishing some secret goals of mine. Jess knows, however in her privileged position, a lot my vulnerability has come under fire. Take that for what you will, but DEFINITELY REMEMBER THIS. When some1 opens up to you, and you decide to use that information to hurt or belittle them in any way shape or form, your doing yourself a disservice.
No other way to say it. If some1 trusts you with something you better damn well make sure you cherish that privilege. Having lost quite a bit of trust this last year myself you gotta understand I'm only speaking from experience.
Goes back to the loyalty/turning your back on people. It's not me it's not in me, and I don't expect to 1 day wake up and be ok laying something I cared so much about (cause let's be real I love my people to death). I realize that it's THIS that has me where I am today, like this very f*Ckin minute.
Some things so minute, are vastly enormous. In my eyes damn near all the little things are. Or at the very least they lead up to some big sh1t going down. Either way I'm exhausted literally and with this subject at hand, It's hard to write when it does nothing for me.
"I'm not really about having a filthy mouth, but fucking b1tches be sh1ttin on a n1gga, and never hear me out"
"waking up at 12am ready to go, but she's not so I force my eyes back closed"
That must mean you don't trust sh1t that comes out of any1 else's mouth. I've been patient and given all I can give to have it spit back in my face. honestly it's f*ck everybody. I see how far I've gotten taking the high road and honestly I'm no where near impressed, disappointed actually.
It's not the end of the world though, a valuable history lesson tells me that these things tend to happen. Love has a weird way of causing people not to think correctly. Yes, I've fallen victim to this sort of thing and imagine I'll victim to it come very soon in my immediate future. How I choose to deal with it will determine exactly how far I've come.
No gas... Anyway I'm mad disrespectful and presented with mad ultimatums. I'm basically wasted without being wasted and without the side affect to not care.