Kiki reminded me (with love)...

Kiki reminded me why the list was ro be destroyed. Needing help and wanting it are 2 important themes of this Blog. Needing and wanting attention aren't. Flat out as that. The fact that you must be alerted before deciding to 'fuck' with the blog says a lot. No need to feel guilty it just is what it is. You go out of sight long enough and the rest will surely follow. Meaning I won't be on any1's mind. Quite honestly as much as it pains me to see that come true I wouldn't have it any other way. My door is f*cking down the street the same place its always been so no I don't worry about saying f*ck you to those that deserve it. Rest easy if you can't even touch me lol.


Honestly.... Tired of honesty. Or being entrapped in a perspective that lends no path to truth. Basically when we start drifting apart it is what it is. Its no longer problematic, I've clocked it down to a science. The amount of me that I have to give in order to stay 'relevant' in your minds isn't even necessarily possible from my end. That tells me get your flags out and let them match my hands. At least we'll both FEEL like we're on the same page, but take a closer look and its clear we are communicating different messages.


Kiki not at all upset or angry with you, I know the tone of my messages and this blog might suggest otherwise (sidenote: though often wrong you CAN assume the tone of a txt message). I just want those that should forget to forget and move on. You know "they say if you love it..." Type sh1t.
I am not looking for a brighter neon sign saying 'Look at me!'. Not at all, unless the act of watching/observing is something you have decided you want to do... Or need to do. Its whatever at this point. I say f*ck whoever because I know where its gone and I know where I've brought it back to. I'm so much better off then I was and that needs to start counting for something (to myself). So long to go but guess what? I can kind of see where I'm goin at the moment, couldn't say that 2 weeks ago.


Sorry if it seems grim, because it's coming from a place that houses the possibility of hope. Still kicking, hitting, and missing. Just not in your face. I expect this to be the last time many of you hear or read a clear direct response from me, and I dealt with how that felt before my thumbs got exercising. Know though it IS all love, and this isn't me turning my back as much as it is looking at the turned backs smh, and walking my own path (again).
Don't know what this will mean for all of us, I have my fingers crossed for a few and already mourned the relationships that died because of this stupid sh1t. I'm still holding on though. Is it still all love??




*I found the answer where selfishness cannot exist*

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So HONESTLY f*ck what happens to me.




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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

The leather couch

"Well if I wasn't here I could never annoy you with my blah blah blah, would you rather that be the case? Think about it..." That's an old quote from Chris said frequently to those who felt his presence was 'annoying' at times.

Interesting way to think about it, and I think maybe the correct way for all to think about loved 1's. We take too much for granted, and granted, most are doing just fine with his 'disappearance' I'd like to think some1 kinda wishes he was there to annoy them 1 more time.

The rain has started to fall *hint hint* and instead of feeling in control of 'A' situation desperation is starting to set in. I sit back and watch n1ggas lose they minds all the time. Stress, weed, and 'Great Expectations' will do that to most anybody. What a 'great' book btw... Gotta find that somewhere for other purposes.

Still it's a little weird watching the psychological effects take hold of some1 you've known to be 1 way your entire life, or period of time you've known them. It doesn't scare ME like I thought it would, it intrigues me. Chris falls apart, and most others fall into habits. At some point whatever your falling to (ie running from/to) can and will catch up to you. "People need hope..." right? So who's the 1 with it? Why always 1 I want a group of them b1tches.

At the moment if I laugh too hard I'll blow out all my stitches, my face healed okay and I'm super thankful for that I do plan on going back out there some day. Back to the topic, Grant trained the Granted Gang and they took everything for all it WASN'T worth. Now I'm stuck in the dirt that's turning to mud trying to make sense of it, sinking in my own mini flood (it's raining). I need water proof equipment, or just none at all. People may need to side eye me for my ability to part with 'awesomeness' so quickly and freely.

That leather couch though... I never parted from the souls I came to know. Might've discarded them at times but look down and ask yourself if I've been there... Honestly honesty is all we need. I'm somewhere fine for now, but I remember how it felt peeling myself off of that couch. Your's wasn't the only 1 I had to but it may have just been the last I'll gravitate to.

#nomadic if I have to be

and I've let twitter take over my blog... Social networking is something else. Got a lot of tucked F U's under my belt, but I won't hide behind numbers or hash tags. You'll feel what I've been saying, and then I'll be gone again.





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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

HeroHaloIiiiiiiiiiiiiii

I can flip shit anyway I kick it to myself when I tune in to my fitted. I show others and they don't get it, understanding is quite missed. But still, I find my shield in my own solace. So fuck how you feel aint been change in my wallet since I dropped out of college. Like knowledge is something I don't need to acknowledge cause the gems they was dropping had no keys for unlocking my mind. Like a broke locket you wouldn't find a picture even if you knew the scripture to unlock it. I guess that doesn't mean it's broke just means you probably should've tried to spot it before you bought it and was the butt of this joke.




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If I remembered my rambling that cause this we might be onto something. Halo is ill though, that I know with confidence. Looking back I know I was hurt a lot of truth that normally wouldn't came out. Sooooooo that means pain. I'm tired of others hurting around me, and exhausted from the physical pain I feel that may or may not be in my head. Regardless my body hurts in places that leaves me less than wasted feeling like I'm nothing near basic but still tripping as if somebody laced it.



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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Just say it please

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I struggle with whether or not your listening, then I struggle with whether or not I'm wrong. Taken but not forgotten. Gone but not taken. Whatever. I'm here, taken or not. Never mind what my imagination says we are or could be, knowing that the reality is we could've been. The 1 I'm with clueless...

But I may not be with her or any1 for that matter, could be with you but then I'd really come across as foolish.


Time will tell I guess.

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Time is tight though. I'm patient.

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Careful...

Appearance is important. Yet I do not care about appearance. I have a need to care about how you all see me appear to be in your eyes. Such is necessary for monetary purposes. Yet and still, I do not care. Simply because I don't know who I am to each of you individually, but I know it's not who I AM.

I was talking to a very beloved friend of mine and a concept of ownership was brought up (whether she knows it or not). Well, feelings and ownership... Basically it's not fair to say that I can't love what I can't/don't have. Word??? In the case of others and the image you uphold in your head, how can you really be sure you have the 1 you "fell in love with" anyway if the image you hold onto is the 1 in your head. Confusing...

Stay with me in my head things play out much more.... *sighs*

I am not the same person I was a day ago.

If the above statement is true, and it is. Imagine how much I've changed in a months time. 4 months. Half a year. Now a full year. Obviously we can continue on, but the point is I've changed a lot. For some of you while I know why I am appealing to you I question why I would remain so after all that we've been through. (Guilty)

I question if the person you miss is me, or if it is in fact the memory you had of me that I once fulfilled. Well, I don't question it I know that's what it is. That in itself hurts to come to terms with, but the truth is many of you would turn your noses up in disgust. While I'm stuck being disgusted with stuff I try to bury within me.

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Not a great feeling when you feel like you aren't you anymore. Even worse when you have to face those that loved the old you, in spite of the 1's that know the new you and aid your transformation daily.

Let me chill. I'm focused with what I want to say, just not sure it should be said. So I won't I'll chill, but I'm hurting. I don't think I've ever came out and said that outright, but that's what it is. I'm in so much pain. Some of it was just bad breaks, a lot of it self inflicted, hence why I haven't said anything. But f*ck even junkies need help, and well... Ya'll just pray for me when/if this ever gets to you.

I need to go find my own help, and I FEEL like I need things to help me deal with what I'm feeling. That alone is a terrible demon to deal with. I think about the things I was, or how I used to deal with discomforting pain and my memory conveniently fades. When it comes back in I realize it wasn't so much what I was doing, but who I was with. What I was doing didn't even matter but my pain has always been padded by the walls of my friends aka extended family.

Anyway I'm real dolo these days, so it's hard to care what some non exec n1gga thinks about what I look like when I'm surrounding myself by what makes me comfortable. I'm past the physical aspect of trying to appeal, and I've found that money really has no place for me at the moment. Bills will be paid the rest will be played with type of sh1t...


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Every1 seemed to forget how hard I go with my playful sh1t like I wasn't a playful kid through all this. Well, I have no problem jogging memories, I just hate jogging... Or any running for that matter. Know well that while doing what I hate, and at the same time giving you a taste I'm so far gone into what I just made. ... And n1ggas talk to me about drugs, well I'm off those.


I do get it now though (speaking to no 1 specifically) and my appreciation for 'it' has only risen. People are as fickle as can be, and I love people, what's that make me?

Nothing too deep, just a fickle people lover that can't let go... Or a teacher.




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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)