Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Friday, June 18, 2010

(old) N Kicked

I want to feel comfortable in front of the mirror again. That’s the number 1 goal at this point, an today I think I’m going to make some moves that’ll make that happen. I’m tired of not being taken seriously, so I’ll show them all.

It’s the passion that burns me up inside when thinking about the game I love. The distractions in my life keep taking me away from that. Potential is being squandered and while I have the guidelines in place to really elevate myself to another level, it all comes down to my will.

It has to be strong because no1 believes like I do.




Whether that’s true or not is irrelevant because it’s true to me. While doing my best not to be consumed with the dynamic emotional responses this brings, I have to be mindful to become stern in my ways. The cool sh*t has to cease being that, and I have to pave a new path for my mind, body and soul.

People either laugh, or scoff sarcastically when they HEAR me say this, so I’m expecting no less for those actually reading. At this point, it really IS whatever though. Dead*ss I’m exhausted, confused, and unsure about how much more I can literally handle.

I’m even unsure about what’s being worth enough to try to handle, and that’s scary to be so unsure all the time at this point in my life. I’m sure I’m not the only 1 facing these kind of trials and tribulations, but I’m the only 1 I know speaking up.

Typing up…

If I could describe it to some1 I’d have to say every minute feels like a constant struggle with myself to figure out if I’m supposed to be mad or sad. Coin toss sh*t. Then it’s whether I should still smile, let it go, talk to some1, or deal with it on my own.

The thing about a lot of those options is this; I never felt like the majority of those choices were really choices. More like necessary things to do to keep yourself sane and out of question. I don’t resemble some1 who feels this way. Maybe to those who actually sit down and observe me, I just feel for the most part I’ve gotten too good at hiding it.

I don’t know, the only times I’m really not fighting to combat this are when music is filling my ears, or fantasy magic gives a target to my eyes (anime people). Funny how THOSE things end up getting manipulated by my thoughts too. Too many correlations I find to be parallels, while others just find me to be ‘something I’m not’.

Knowingly though, like I suppress myself into these fantasy driven landscapes as an escape to my own life. I’d agree if like I said, the comparison’s made and drawn to weren’t so… ‘fitting’. I’ve never had a problem telling it like it is.

My downfall is not telling it well enough to reciprocate the same passion out of the next person. Maybe even worrying about the next person at all. See, I want to connect with people, not live with my thoughts. It DOES get frustrating knowing there are some things that you are just going to have to deal with on your own.

Reason being, people can empathize, but very few can put themselves in another’s shoes. I feel like it really is my gift and curse for lack of a better phrase. I have to learn how to be comfortable dealing with the ‘undealable’ 1st… Why is all of the introspective stuff being written at the gym?? Lol ridiculous.

No more dark thoughts for a little while, I’m booking it to my happy place. Marley I MISS YOU!!! Hold me down baby!



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(old) Down

“tougher than the flesh, can’t nobody fuck with him. Not even the government! The best…” Charles Hamilton

I’ve been overthinking like CRAZY! Like sh*t that doesn’t deserve my (thought) process is getting the business. Definitely something to deal with, I just wish more people were available for me to bother. Talking to people that don’t really want to be bothered isn’t fun. I know because people do it to me all the time lol

I was definitely disregarding this little bit of info today though. With these new potential job opportunities I won’t really have a choice in order to be successful. Which is fine, comfort is something I’m trying to move away from.

I don’t want to be the bugaboy though, and I always seem to end up feeling that way. I saw my ladies today so that was cool. Char and Megherz were in the back getting it IN with their trainer. Lol I wasn’t joking either M to G’erz, your jump roping form is better than mines lol

I had Marley with me again, we are quite the team I must say. I know I found us a new spot where she can run around until she can’t take anymore. I’m excited about it cause it’s a wifi hotspot of sorts. Which meeeeeeaaaaaannnnnnsssss I can take all of you with me too!

I’ve been writing so much lately, well I guess since I said (on here) that I couldn’t really write anything as of late. That post had something I wrote in it, and it’s been coming or I’ve been forcing it. A little of both I’m sure, but I don’t care what the reasons, I’m just happy to be 1 with the page again… Sort of..

I’m happy to let go with my emotions. I wish there was some1 other than me to sit down and go through it with though. I’m actually very accustomed to it. Something tells me what I’m dealing with is going to make it very difficult to open up for any1 else anytime soon.

I want to open up to every1 I meet. Not the pointless random conversations I have with some of you. Although I DO enjoy those, but I want to be able to lean my head on a shoulder and cry if need be. Like now, I feel like my head should be buried in some1’s heartbeat.

I bet you all will still be greeted with a smile though. That’s frustrating… I feel like when I’m not that person something is wrong. Well something IS wrong, yet no1 shares my 6th sense for these matters. It has to be that, or they just don’t care.

I’m gearing up for the ‘vulnerable summer’, like I see the bottom approaching and I’m trying to save my face from getting anymore scarred up. Truthfully I’m just scared to leave scarred up, I have too many. What’s the problem with that? Little things becoming more problematic sticking to me like lent on static.

Look at me acting like I can tell the future.. Naah, but I read well. Literally, figuratively, most definitely emotionally.

Geanna do more. Please.

Indefinable, I know but I’m ready now.. Internet is no good now. Seems to be on some real vindictive sh*t as of late. Why me though??

I miss you all. I want you ALL to meet me again.


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(old) Thin Lines

I guess a lot of truth IS said in jest. I hate that. Be about your f*cking mouth around me or be about being anywhere around me.

People got me going off the f*cking deep end right now, and now I’m going back to what eases me. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m emptied. I feel like I’m being controlled and all I can do is watch not knowing whether to enjoy it, be furious, or saddened.

I hate this feeling. I hate these feelings. I hate isolated in a room full of people. Which is why I hate these feelings the most.

Here’s a question I’ve been thinking of… Maybe I should to some depicting first… Ok your walking and there’s nothing but blackness around you. There’s no scary wind or anything like that chill, (lol) there is mist flowing like a river. It serves as your only real guide, so you follow it. Step by step, until you reach the end where you are greeted with a ‘mistfall’ into a pit of darkness. Staring down into nothing.

Now if some1 you know and love asked you to step off the edge, would u?


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(old) irritation

I'm more irriitated right now then I've been all day. Good thing I had a good day right? Me n Marley were chillin tough today lol not really but she went EVERYWHERE with me, which was kind of cool. Took me back to my Kansas days, the big difference was she couldn't actually come IN many of the places I went to.

In Kansas no1 bats an eye when you bring a dog around. It doesn't matter how big or what it is either, which was cool. Anyway back to my irritation. I don't think I have friends that reciprocate well. I don’t want that to sound like a knock on them either, I just feel like I would do far more for them than a vice versa situation would allow.

I could just be overthinking once again though… This is 1 of those situations I really hope I’m the 1 that’s tripping out. You all should tell some1 what they mean to you, and stop taking people for granted. If I were a stronger individual my absence would be something imitating tattoos. Painful, permanent, and speak volumes to those who care.

I’ve had the same d*mn headache for 2 days running now. I’m thinking it has something to do with my mouth. Some tooth way in the back to be more exact, and its killing me slowly. The worst part is that my allergies seem to heighten the pain and discomfort.

Yo dead*ss people are so backwards. Example: Today I’m walking into 24 (hour fitness), and I was greeted with 3 of the most awkward stares ever. I was so confused, I thought I had missed something but it wasn’t me, or it was… See to hear THEM tell it (Cassie what up! ;-) ) I was too excited/happy, and THAT was weird.


I mean, Char WAS there lol. That reminds me too, I want to get into the mind of a girl that doesn’t want to be with her dude anymore. NOT TRYING TO GET AT THE GIRL. See I know what it’s like to feel stuck WITH some1, but that’s my own very male based opinion.

I’ve heard of girls staying with some1 they don’t want to be with anymore sure, but I haven’t heard why. The ‘why’s’ are the most important part! To me anyway.. I need to find all the ‘why’s’ I can.

*This song playing now..*(convincedindecision)




Is the most comical representation of honesty on drugs. Smh but dead*ss.

There’s not enough ping pong going on, and that’s going to lead to obsessive compulsive behavior. Trying to give the heads up before it’s too late and my blog pays the price.

Realizing you’re not strong enough to deal with some things can be scary, but to me the realization that I’m not happy is depressing. Go figure. My face is killing me… AKA my head. I know how that sounds but it IS my face AND my head. This tooth is going to off me.

I’m REALLY lonely right now lol Marley hold me down!


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Or am I just... Senseless?