I see people are quite comfortable on the internets with their significant others. Me too. lol smh... Starting to get the feeling the ultimatum was me damn. That WOULD suck, and if that is the case where's the loyalty? It's all good some decisions are harder to come by than others I know that much, so I can't hold too much against any1.
I still think about if I could do it. I mean I've done it but always been open to interaction. Like if I was contacted cool, I'm not pursuing the interaction though. Relationships... U gotta be willing to conform right? So if the other was just dead*ss not cool with something then you have to come to some sort of agreement before both parties can move on healthily.
That's where I messed up. I was, or thought I was ok with something I wasn't. I can say I haven't thrown any friends under the bus that didn't f*cking go throw themselves out into the middle of the f*cking highway during Rush hour. Lord that was dumb of you. Which is to say I've never ever turned my back on a friend. I can hardly think of when I've turned my back on an enemy. It's just not in me.
You can become an enemy if that's what your aiming for. That would be hurtful, a lot is going to be hurtful regardless there's just no turning away from that; but malicious intent? Not too sure I could ACCEPT it like I have in the past.
I'm trying to get to a point where I'm accepting less and dealing with more. Meaning I don't want your bs, I don't want to kill everything I'm doing to accommodate your plans. Next, after acceptance is dealing with being by myself.
Clarification is needed.
In a relationship, physical or not (friendship) both people are aware that they have somebody to lean on. They can confide in that person... Think of it like an extra bullet in the chamber. So let's say you had plans to do something and they got cancelled, well you know you have that bullet in the chamber. You can fire off your gun and possibly hit a target of relevance(No 1 love). When you don't have those relationships you don't have those extra bullets in the chamber.
So while I may tend to spend the majority of my time alone, I always, ALWAYS have the option of that person. Not having that option will take extreme getting used to. I'll do it if need be because that's what humans do, live and adapt or die. I'm not ready to die, I think I might, but I'm not ready yet.
The thing about life that I undoubtedly love is it really doesn't give a f*ck whether your ready or not.
I have an empty gun and I'm used to having somewhere around less than half a clip dig me? I'm not angry. I don't harbor anger anymore, just understanding. Peace will follow. Hello to another cycle.
If I travel around suburban neighborhoods on foot listening to music I am viewed as a threat. If I travel around suburban neighborhoods on foot with my dog while listening to music, I am viewed as a threat. If I do that with my dog while listening to music with R2-d2 on my back I get a pass.
If I travel around hood neighborhoods on foot listening to music I am viewed as another n1gga aka a potential threat, but for the most part cool. If I travel around hood neighborhoods with my dog while listening to music I am viewed as a threat. If I do both those things in the hood with R2-d2 on my back it's fight or flight.
Not to say I know why this is. In fact, I've gone places I probably shouldn't be with R2 won my back and been fine. In most cases no1 messes with me. There are those few though... Moral of the observation, don't go where you shouldn't be and if it is absolutely necessary don't go alone. The question being why? More thinking to find that out... Wild guess says it has something to do with race and gender but hey, what do I know.
People let yourselves go. If your dealing with me, understand a few fundamental rules that will no doubt make things less stressful for both of us. 1st off, you being uncomfortable just makes me uncomfortable. I'm too easy going for all that what you uncomfortable for?
If you have a vision for yourself, go for it and attack without 2nd guessing yourself. I know a little bit about what it takes to do things that people say you won't be able to do. I never listened. In fact, it never even crossed my mind that I wouldn't do what I set out to do for myself. All I knew is that I would do it, didn't know how but it would be done.
Friends are shaky. That's my observation anyway. I see them trying to conform into a shape that's uncomfortable for them. I see them dismissing old vows to themselves; this happens frequently and honestly, I can't be around it anymore. I took a 2 year hiatus from life as I knew it, and I'm ready to get my sh1t back.
I'm starting to realize we humans make mountains out of molehills to live. To feel alive. Without controversy to drive them they feel dead, numb to most. Even with the controversy they feel that way, but it's the only time they can get others to feel like them. Well if they play their cards right. Think about the last issue you had some1 and what you made of it. Was it even worth it?
When I do that I find that most times I'm embarrassed or upset with myself because it wasn't worth it. I don't like allowing ignorance to cloud my judgement, and when I do I feel like I let myself down, because I did. I'm gonna let things be. Some things are going to be off, and I'll have absolutely no control over that. I need to work on what I can control, so I'm gonna do that.
Ambitious 1's go get it, stop thinking so much. Get outside of yourself and think about what the next person is willing to do that your NOT doing now. Lastly, don't measure your success from what the next person has or is doing. Do you and do it in complete honesty.
But I'm tired of being lonely. I've felt lonely in crowds before, and recently I've felt lonely specifying my time for 1. Monophobia. I'd rather be miserable with you than to suffer the unknowns of life without you. However, that is a weak form of thinking. 1 I'm reluctant to do away with ironically. I don't know how these things came to be, I have clues as to why though. All I can do is sit and think about the 'why's'. Sense doesn't add up, and I have to retreat back to what I know. Unfortunately what I know leaves me more confused, so I turn to where I'm comfortable. Cycle after cycle after f*cking cycle. Monophobia. I don't have to be alone, but I don't want to be put in positions to do things I don't want to do. I'm not about waking up everyday trying to figure out how to get my d1ck wet. Grow up n1ggas this ain't high school anymore. Matter of fact it's because of them, I can't just be. I can't within the confines of a relationship seek out the advice and tutelage I'm looking for, when I've outgrown my partner's perspective. Such would be filed under dishonesty, cheating, wavering, etc. It became obvious to me that I couldn't be everything for some1 if I wanted to. In order to do that I have to hold too much of myself back. Fortunately, you'll get your life back. Things are going to get a little more worse before they get better for me anyway. I feel that way because on MY end. The 1 where no1 else is to blame but me, I haven't done very much that I needed to. Hopefully recent events will help give me the push I've been missing but I really don't know. I thought some pretty wild thoughts the other day, and I've been known to get wild in my head, but this time I had to check myself. Time will tell if it was a product of something else, or if I really need to check myself. I think I really need to check myself, so I did, and I will. I think the worst part about all of this.. Or any disagreement where feelings are involved is that the other always feels hurt. I never set out to hurt anybody. I understand things I do may hurt you, and we may actually lose our friendship, but to accuse some1 of purposefully doing those things. Come on... Silliness. I'll be the accused for now though. Definitely didn't charge my ipod, so I'm listening to Devil music on the way to church. *shrugs* THEY gave the words that power, not me. I'm vibing, over monoophobia.
Yea well let's see these talents of mine, that have exponentially been driven into the ground and pissed away... Yeah I'll pick those back up. Just as soon as I set EVERYTHING else back down. Yep I stopped doing things I loved because I wanted to and doing them again is as easy as doing them.
I should run 10 blogs. With 10 different themes. Interlocking them all together, streamlining posts.. Imagine the possibility for confusion and the magnitude of excuses I could pull out my *ss. Just a thought.. Unless I'm already doing that.
"if it happened, it probably wouldn’t matter anymore. Rubbing the welts on my face takes perspective and properly gets it placed somewhere along the lines of ‘ow’ and ‘did she just hit my face?’ Still in disbelief. Ironic of me to have trouble believing as the seasons turn to tiny shorts and sun burns..."
Working towards it. Talent is undeniable, and yet you've heard it all before.