I haven't had a cigarette in almost a month. I have to take time to remind myself I didn't feel like that would be possible more than a month ago. I was smoking in the middle of a massive fire that left the town I live in decimated with thick orange smoke. It looked like armageddon outside, the air quality was completely unhealthy to the point I stopped exercising outside and joined a gym with a basketball court in the middle of the pandemic just to be able to maintain the physical progress I had been making. With all that, I couldn't stop myself from taking down cigarettes, and unlike previously in my life, I was doing so at an alarming rate. I didn't think I would be able to stop, but here we are. I felt a lot of shame about this. I felt defeated about this. But, I was able to overcome all these feelings and follow through with a lofty goal I had for myself. I've come to realize that while the circumstances to accomplishing this goal may have changed to make things "easier" or "harder" It was ultimately on me whether I wanted to do what was necessary to fulfill this goal in my life. Such reflection comes courtesy of being able to look inwardly/outwardly simultaneously in order to maintain the progressions I've made and analyze the journey of my partner. Our settings while similar do have differences, and I am able to not entertain that or those which may be detrimental to me extending my streak and continuing with my progress. It is frustrating watching something abusive- for lack of a better word, take place that you can't directly prevent or influence. The thing I don't understand is why the people that are in your life can't be anchors and or buffers that keep you where you need to be, and forestall you from the things that are toxic. Why can't addiction be taken as serious as it should be by the people that should care enough to do just that?
I am happy with my progress. I am frustrated with the lack of such by others around me. I would remove those people if that meant I could feel some form of solidarity but I'm not ready yet, and neither is she. Definitely not her. I didn't ask to be anchored down by family that isn't mine, but I guess I knowingly engaged with the outcome without seriously considering what it would mean for me. Now the only way for me to regain control or some semblance of it, is to exercise that with the people in my life. Whether that can affect others by proxy is a mystery I'd like to know the answer to, but whether or not that is the case, I know that as more time passes the decision will be made for everyone. And I've seen time heal a lot. It's said it will heal all; something I'm willing to believe because I'm living it.
An aside when it comes to the battling of addictions. It wasn't something that just happened over night. There was a process that involved thinking about the change I wanted to make. There were things that I implemented to provide myself with tangible proof of progress. Things that had nothing to do with he action at hand. Exercising. Consistently meeting smaller goals. And while I have stopped doing some of those things as consistently I would hope (while undergoing a period of essentially recharging my own battery), I have maintained the focus and discipline not to continue to do the things I don't want to do. I guess I can look at it like I developed a muscle and now I'm strong enough to lift that weight without too much strain or effort. I don't think about what I'm not doing so much as I think about why people around me aren't able to follow my lead. With all that said, I know I just want to be at a certain point when I'm able to see my family again. Not just with my wellbeing concerned but financially as well. Here's to another 25 markers on that trip.
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
