Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Another word.


  [puh-dan-tik]  Show IPA
ostentatious in one's learning.
overly concerned with minute details or formalisms, especiallyin teaching.


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Finally got around to reading this!

Not excited just tired of the periods...

There are several reasons not to sign with a major label but today we will highlight ten that are near and dear to our hearts.
  1. They will not pay you – royalties (what’s that?), what about an advance (not any more but if they do, it’s as if you’re dealing with a loan shark…).
  2. There’s no staff working there – most labels are outsourcing various tasks to contractors that once were done by dedicated employees of the label.  How dedicated is someone who has no stake in a company?
  3. They stifle your creativity – labels tell you what you can and cannot do with your music career. Sounds like you are their employee to me!
  4. They need a hit, even if it is not yours – it another artist’s project on that label gets a hit, guess what?  Your project goes to the bottom of the pile – no more promotion for you!
  5. No more tour support – that’s a thing of the past for labels.  You have to grind it out on your own, but don’t forget you still owe them money and have to pay them every time you gig.
  6. They will only sign you if you have a fan base and heavy sales – what kind of deal is that?  Sounds more like pimpin’ to me!
  7. They control distribution – yep that’s right! That includes physical and digital if you’re not sure what kind of deal you are signing.
  8. They have the power to say no and most times will – you want to give away free music…that’s a big no – no.  What about break a new single – uh that’s a no!  Especially if it competes with another track.
  9. MTV, VH1 and BET are dead – any and everyone who wants to see music videos are onYouTube and guess what? Indie Artists can get paid for featuring their videos but if you’re signed to a major label – um maybe not!
  10. Terrestrial music radio is dying – with the advent of iTunesSatellite Radio, Pandora, other online radio stations and smart phones who needs to tune in to their local radio station to hear the same stuff repeatedly.


Interesting observations.
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I know I've talked about this before... -__-

I'm forgetful. =)

So what give em up.

Yo is it safe to say I'm on my period? Cause I'm definitely MORE aware then I've ever been and that's making me TIGHT! I'm happy though I do have some amazing people that really love me. That alone makes looking past the (most likely) minuscule things that bother me a little easier. Let's get into it though...

It's like this, Coach Roth had an issue with players last year because they started acting as if they were owed things. Not in any 'in-your-face' type of way, but just very subtle signs of entitlement. Now I try to model parts of myself after Coach Roth because he really is a great person. I'm happy to say I've known him this long. Where I can't follow suit is how damn calm he was about it... Well he DID address it..

I guess it goes back to what me and Jess talked about. If I address something I'm going to address it. I don't want to dance around it and lord knows I know exactly how I feel about things. So why can't I let you know that as well?

Seems like a fairly fair trade off if your asking me. Only nobody asked me, and I'm a genuinely nice person. I just have terribly destructive tempers. I'm working, I'm working... Anyway I just don't think it's cool for people to start feeling entitled when they have no business feeling that way. Always open it up for discussion at least. You can't ever really offend some1 in my position if your polite enough to ask. Not doing so just makes you rude.

Do guys grab the door for you ladies? Doing so, just makes them polite. Sure, it's a nice gesture but guys your supposed to do stuff like that. Now NOT doing it makes you a rude *sshole. Basically mirroring these situations. I could go into details but Jess is teaching me the most valuable lesson of all right now, and she thinks I'm trying to teach her lol.

Thank you.


Now that I think about it, enablers are more to blame and should be the 1's that have to deal with the untold wrath of my unsung words. The 1's actually doing the act are just doing what they've been getting away with for days.

Anyway can we just acknowledge that I've been wronged today? In doing so simultaneously acknowledging that I'm on my period? That would help. I'm calming down once again, learning to channel negativity into something less so.

The future is looking like it can at least be made out. So many questions a bunch of GREY. I'd prefer black and white but then again I'd prefer Pink and Green. Funny how all those colors represent more than the eyes can see.


I have a little parting gift for those I'm feeling not-so-happy with at the moment. This is a message regarding you effectiveness in my life, and what you bring to it at my own expense.


*Lotta haters lotta haters lotta haters lotters haters oooooooooooooooooooooh*

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"You don't have to look like a model for me to adore you, all you gotta do is love me and be loyal." 50

From all places to make the perfect point. cause ADORE you was something I def. Did.


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Be real to baby, be real for me.

I'm cut from something strange. This is the conclusion because I'm willing to publicly express how I feel. I really wish others could do this and not feel ANY kind of way about 'hurting feelings' or 'rubbing the wrong'. That's all fair to think about, but in the longterm I think it just stunts progress.

By progress I mean the ushering in of forward discussion, even if that discussion leads to nowhere.

Regardless... Shifting gears.

I'm f*cking mad right now.


New Role Models.

Then this...

Rude Boy was knocking for a minute.

Do you know?

Blogroll flow.

They DON'T understand. How could they?

Walk out the door risk walking out on everything you used to know type sh1t.

Been there with a tight grip on a fantasy I planned to see.

Ouch Trashy style.

She's ill though, inspirational.

He's inspirational. F*ck...

*I hear you miss*

This song is so dope.

Toss a subject, toss a theme. He's covered it.

On some dumb dumb dummy ish.

Frank Ocean comes to mind... But you don't like him either.

Chop it off to top it off.

I want to hug her. No, hold her... How innappropiate.

Goodbyes.. but next time...

*Give it to me baby*

Just make it real.

Best entry ever.

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Purposefully abandoned until I woke up this morning for no other reason other than to make sure I could remember it. I do things like that often, bet on my mind and try to see where it'll get me. If anything else, at least I'm practicing memory techniques. I want to be able to remember everything, but I don't know if that's... I'm not even gonna say it, I want to be able to remember everything.

K this is how this post was supposed to go. I love that I can come on my blog and see my 2 n1ggas chucking up the deuces, the color scheme telling me to be at ease and comfortable being what's not expected of me. The pictures busting out their own delightfully imposing boxes/frames. Remnants of the past, clues of the future, and the lost tale of love anger and passion.

I get all of that so yeah I can come here and smile a lot.

I'm too public? Well I'll keep my bid for the secret society in my front pocket so no1 can steal it and claim it as their own when the time to be secret comes. Why would people WANT secrets though?

Anyway, confusing thoughts for a confusing matter.

"Definitey feel like I've done this before, but I didn't leave out the door with the 'Justice' award"

An excerpt from upstairs. That reminds me though, there are different types of structures for everything and I intend to break them down. Don't really want to leave this 1 up to my memory though...

Free flowing freestyle(my favorite), freestyle (structure), song(concept), article(concept), album(body of work)

Feel like I'm overlooking some things... I'm on the clock though so that'll have to do. Hopefully I can get some time to properly break down these things and more, call it... 'Breakin' Atoms' cause I'm in a throwback type mood today. Dangerous.

Practice makes perfect, but sloppiness makes it worthless.


Yeah I can see why you wouldn't want to read this stuff. I'm updated btw! Ya'll are pretty boring.


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Yummy's Donuts

Damn Tumblr post! I always catch it and think 'yes I'm going to hear about this.' This is me calm.

_ _

Idiotic ish,

Why does every1 think this is me? I know I speak in 1st person but it's a trip from the mind in which it's created to the fingertips to the screen you read it from. People keep threatening me to be out indefinitely. You gotta understand while that may actually be something I'm terrified of, it's happened time and time again. Which means, there's obviously something causing it, and secondly, I'm not a stranger to the sh1t. Besides threatening me just makes me push for the outcome.

I'm definitely the speed off the cliff and try to figure out what to do before we crash into the ground type. F*ck the dashes.

So much I don't understand, and it's definitely not peace over here. I'm still trying to get over the fact you can think yourself into an unhealthy submission. Stress is 1 hell of a killer. Asthma too.

I'm on the verge of losing another friend. As soon as I type that I'm prompted to "say bye right now..." I don't understand people. There's so much I don't understand...

Living through mazes shouldn't be this fun though, I'll give myself that  much. I've LIVED while dying. So it's literally f*ck how people feel, I've had fun through the darkest days. Dark days will lend way to lighter 1's I believe that.

Let me pose this question: If I take words from some1 and write them out without crediting that person, what are you left with? Words right?

That's the main reason I can't f*ck with peoples' opinions a lot of the time. It's so EASY for me to hate on people, it really is. Best example of this comes when I mention Big Sean. Dude is wack. That's MY opinon, I don't like him. However, you won't ever here me say he can't rap, because that's a flat out lie. He's nice with it and no amount of personal feelings will cause me to change that stance.

People I associate with aren't this way at all. Example of this is liking a basketball team because dude's 'hot'. Lol Or a rapper... Either way the thing that's important (to me) is usually grossly overlooked. So it lends me to think that I shouldn't inquire about those type of things from that group.

I'm done though.

Title it.

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Thank you... Alcohol??

I think my consumption of alcohol is going to go way up, on some happy hour sh1t. Was never a problem before, but damn Tony Rock is convincing as hell. Now he's talking about weed... Uh oh. FAT TONY!
Jess didn't get the last whatever entry it was about Kansas and simultaneous blogging. I CAN WALK AND CHEW GUM! I found that out today believe it or not lol

I was checking my blog out from my phone. It looks *so muf*ckin' gorgeous!*  really happy at the moment. If you've been following me from the beginning you can see remnants of the very 1st blog everywhere, then there's the last version, now this... It's just right.

There comes a time in most every night I have to decide what I will or won't do. I wish I could always be deciding to do something but that's not the case. I'm not special or anything it's that way for most everybody I imagine.

I never understood why people will tell me what I meant when I said or stated something. The reason this it's so hard for me to understand is because I've never really been 1 to hold what I'm feeling back when I want to... No. When I've been ushered to the point of 'speaking up or out' I don't hold very many punches is what I'm saying. I don't mind being wrong, just as long as you can explain to me both angles. Goes back to the whole 'why' thing.

With that being said, and ironically having these situations fall into the same categories with the same people, I can't understand this. What reason do I have to lie when I say I was coming from a different perspective when I said something or wrote that?

It'd be difficult but I could break down why what where with anything you place in front of me that I wrote. I f*cking wrote it, don't play with me.

Or keep calling me a liar and see how far that ride gets us. I need relationships in my life and I'm aiming to have the most important 1 salvaged, so why I'm standing in my situation alone is beyond me. It's not about the glitz and glamor of being able to say I'm right. I just want to be happy. I'm working on myself so I can work on the other important things.

Important to understand.

An interaction just made me realize something. It doesn't matter what you do or how you do it if 1 already feels threatened and or disrespected. I realize that cursing with a smile on my face may be foreign to some, I'm just tired and unwilling to hold that part of me back anymore. Is that so bad?  I mean if it is, cool, agree to not be able to take what I have inside of me. Cause I'm clearly stating ya'll vagina's are too sensitive.

Now I'm quite angry.

I HATE when people ignore what I'm saying when by doing so they directly undermine the reason behind why I'm speaking. There are reasons for everything.

"That's what I get..."

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Monday, May 30, 2011


I had a problem ran to the blog to solve it peeped the clock/
Goin all in, nope people watching had to stop/
Or rather plot a new scheme for the theme describing my scene/
It's my thing you wasn't prying deep while I was crying/
No sleep no money just creeps laughing with trees/
I'm hungry with plenty to eat nobody's laughing with me/
Disastrous disease but I'm rattling free/
Been through enough to believe I've actually seen plenty/


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To those that know.

What's the difference between an open heart and a broken heart? Nothing the only difference is 1 sounds better than the other. Thanks Chuck.

What's the difference between being fired and quitting? 1 of the perspectives changes, along with the benefits you may or may not be able to get (sex/f*cking).

What's the difference between losing some1 you care about, and watching them storm out of your life? Same as the 1st question. Nothing 1 sounds better, the outcome is still the same.

Scrutinize these all you want, because I know that I have my mind made up. Monday morning, after waiting like I said I wouldn't but knew I would anyway the decision has been made for me. So now I'm packing my things and preparing to do the traveler's journey thing all over. Bike, foot, or vehicle it doesn't matter.

I'll have everything I need, and everything I don't want will be ignored.

I've always told kids I coached, "you should be happy your hearing my voice, if I wasn't saying anything to you then you 'd have a reason to worry because that would mean I don't care."

Well, not to say I don't care but yeah, curtains.

Watch my phone mysteriously stop working. F*ck it, I must be writing. I plan to be writing, so yeah, I'm writing.

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*Tupac Voice*

This is anothes blog about changes. Too much. I need Pac aqui asap though.

A lot of new changes popping up as I already explained. The biggest 1 taking place very soon is the number of posts being shown on 1 page. I OD'd with the number beforehand because people weren't paying any f*cking attention. It was my own little way of saying F you, don't lie to my face. Now that I'm over that, the numbers will be reduced significantly. Probably down to 5 or 6. That seems about right if I can keep up the pace.

The blog archives are now ALLLLLLLLLLLL the way at the bottom. There's a page link to the side, but I haven't figured that 1 out yet. Basically there's going to be a bunch of new 'randoms' on here, and they won't be very random at all. Pictures included.

I told you my creating writing is getting out of hand. Grab a clue. They are everywhere! Lol

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I woke up way too early off a small amount of sleep and I wasn't stressing that fact 1 bit. I woke up with strange question though. If the end is the end, when do you part ways? When do you say goodbye??

There's 1 thing I'm actually trying not to do, and unfortunately I'm probably prone to doing it anyway. Hurting people I care about it is something I wish to NEVER do. I do it often sure, but I try to learn from my mistakes. It's not something I'm proud of, but I am proud to say that I am always on a path to
changing for the better.

There are more than a few situations where I've taken the low road and decided that the feelings of some I cared about weren't important enough to give f*cks about. I have since came back to my senses, apologized, and tried my best to live out that apology. So if it's the end, I just want to do this the best way possible for you. I know it seems kind of weird but I've been 'missing' from the house for a very precise reason.

I don't want to be unfair to people, and unfortunately when you do spend as much time with a certain group things are expected of you. I have brothers too now, though what's gone on between us has ALWAYS gotten in the way of what that relationship should mean, could mean. I still have to consider those people. I've tried believe me, I've gone both ways and down both paths, but I still find myself stuck morally.

There should be no show put on for any1. That's how I feel, but something tells me people haven't disclosed information correctly. I don't know how I feel about that. On 1 hand, hey great things are the 'same'. On the other things aren't the same we both know it, and we're very close to doing something permanent about it. Well more permanent then what's already been done.

This is a great time to mention that I don't trust much of any1 anymore. Not that people did anything wrong (they did), but people have shown me the truth. I've tried to ignore it like out in Kansas but we know how that story ended.

I don't want to walk around feeling like that, but I don't want to walk around feeling a bunch of things. I guess I want to be able to deal better, hide more. People really don't need to know how I'm feeling, the more I realize that the better I think I'll be. I'm good doing what I'm doing right now

(so lately 'write now' and 'righting' are occurring A LOT d(-__-)b )

That's my whatever the music's playing look. (And it is =) )

I just don't want the backlash that comes from saying "yes, I am changing the person you used to know. The person you may have fallen in love with at some point. That dude, probably won't exist anymore." You'd think that'd be cause for celebration or something...

You really gotta bear with me, not like many read anyway, I'm just trying to make up for all the stuff I'm erasing (ie. editing out) of these entries, people don't realize this is actually therapeutic to me. Dead*ss.

In Kansas me, Kiki, and Rora would sit in a room very close proximity's and individually create different blog entries that had nothing to do with the others. It was fun, we were together but separate and distant while being extremely close. Well that was the 'wave'. It helped, believe it or not Kansas is a tough spot to be in if the chips aren't right. Just a memory I remembered, dorm room blogging. Good stuff...

I've been doing this for sometime so I know where I'm going when I'm lost here. It doesn't matter I just keep GOING! That's the key most still haven't turned to open the door and discover what's on the other side.  Just try to keep going regardless.


Back to the topic. People I care about I don't want to hurt you, so know I'm trying at every turn. Every time I get an opportunity to better myself I'm taking it, for you and myself. I plan to build ME up so I can finally build YOU up.

Funny thing about this blog is that's what it was supposed to do. I was feeling pretty out there in Kansas, and I wanted others feeling like me to know 'hey, it's cool ya'll we got this'. It ended up being something much more. I discovered unless your in a position to help yourself your probably just blowing hot air.

I feel like the timing is right though, and I can finally stop talking like a psycho. Just watch what I do with a little bit of opportunity. I've been saying for the longest I just needed a foot in the door. I got that, albeit wrong door (for me) but it's still an opportunity I'm about to kill.

If people are still with me by the end of THIS journey, it'll pay off in more ways then 1.

Lol Who actually believes that?

Dead*ss though, what I AM in the minds of others needs to be established quickly.

*N1gga I'm really high off the Heem, The Haze*

*She's the color of the sun, the pedals of a daisy, I LOVE the color yellow on my lady*

Blog inspiration if you were wondering.

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Finally Rest.

I will go use my comfortable bed and while doing so, I will not feel guilt or shame poking at me telling me to get up. I looked up at the clock it was 11:50. I looked up at the clock again it was 1:30. This is the type of sh1t I'm talking about. I stopped checking the phone, it was too much. All the good stuff is in my jacket pocket, yet I'll be figuring that out by myself again. I hate that driving is an issue but you can... Whatever. Too many problems. I'll try not to call or contact, but I'll be lonely soon again. Then I'm forced with the decision to make. I can end all of this, it's as simple as introducing myself to the next stranger, or taking notice to 1 of the plenty that notice me. Why am I so relunctant to do this again? Better yet, why has every1 begun to be shunned at the expense of...

See it's unfair. I won't go there and I won't argue that I should be allowed to. Tomorrow is a holiday apparently, and all that tells me is parents will be home. No comfortable anything high unless it's in your room type sh1t. I love my room by the way. Not my fault most don't know how to utilize it the way I do.

I struggle to believe others are up at strange hours considering some1 other than themselves. That bothers me only because I can't stop when I want to. The only way I know how to turn people off is to be rude. That hardly works now that I think about it. I don't like hurting others, it's not why I'm here.

I could diagnose myself again, figure out what's wrong with me. How pointless would that be? It's really weird to know that you keep things from yourself, because you KNOW. That's where I'm at. I have some pretty self explanatory explanations as to why things are not going how I would imagine they should. I don't want to get into them just yet, there's still a little more that needs to take place. For now, it's turning out the way I thought it would eventually. We'll see.

I hate being tired with desire to do nothing more than fill the page up. Pen to paper is so much more... connected. I think anyway... I feel that way anyway. The stuff in my book... smh

Doesn't look like I'll be getting my RoundTable Pizza today or my Baskin Robbins. The latter is okay, I had that yesterday (even though the bum *ss spot didn't have my new favorite flavor. I think it's seasonal or something). Pizza though, I really wanted some of my favorite pizza. I should have planned better and I would have it...

For what it's worth, all the things I complain about I sure do put myself right back in those situations. Like without fail and constantly. I noticed that because I always tell those who can't take me to stop trying to. Either that, or find some1 you can take. Crazy how we hardly take our own advice. I can only imagine the amount of scrutiny I'd fall under taking THAT kind of advice though. I've heard snippets here and there, I'm sure I know exactly what would be hurled at me.

Anyway, probably no pizza which really sucks.

I hate don't like when some1 says they are doing something for you, then they proceed to do all the things that would make you say they did it for them. I seem to be catching too many people doing this to me right now and it's annoying. Once again, I just want my Round Table (catch it?) Pizza.

I have no idea what I'm getting ready to do besides hit this bed. I mean getting ready to do in terms of what I'm going to let watch me fall asleep. Probably Trigun, because it has to be something I won't feel guilty for having watched without you. Even though when you consider the time it takes to complete a series together, it's rather ridiculous to expect either of us to wait on the other.

There's plenty I would love to watch. I've been weary of getting back into my netflix shows. That's a whole different type of crack right there, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. Getting cozy, still searching.


Cause I ain't shouted you out in a minute my dude! Miss you too, we gotta connect up soon man.

Jerome! Pooh Butt! I miss ya'll too, got some funds coming in so I'm definitely making the trip to see ya'll sooner rather than later!

So many exclamation marks... I'm aware of such things.
*Any mistakes are just mean*

Hopefully Goodnight, to an early morning filled with whatever with whoever I want.

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Just my luck

Trying to appeal to others I lost it. This type of stuff happens all the time, just wish it didn't happen to something I felt was on some next type sh1t for me. Not an issue, I'll top it by tomorrow afternoon... I was going to send an 'extra special f*ck you' to a specific group of girls (trust me your all spared) but thought against it due to potential mass confusion.

My creative writing is getting there too...

_ _

Another thought.

If I'm supposed to keep everything to myself, as in NOT post it "for the world to see" as if "the world" knows everything about the nameless person I'm writing about (I sure don't). Where is it that you suggest I put it?

NOT another blog that no1 knows about (despite me telling EVERY1)right? I'm in danger of reenacting Dwight in this years finale episode trying to make a case for myself. I'm not even breaking that 1 down if you aint on it you out.

Hold up... *excuse me I was breaking the bud on a table of love*

Dead*ss though, n1ggaspeople aint blogging like me.

Got crunk on the keys and now I'm bout to let go...

I did in fact let go about 6 or 7 hours ago... I really am proud of myself at times. I've come a LONG way. I still can't tell you where I'm at as far as my 'writing prowess' but f*ck that, I'm treating this sh1t like track. I'm playing against myself and I KNOW I'm better lol.

Still I thought I posed a pretty good question. If I'm not supposed to get super duper personal on here where every1 can see it then where? My notebook? My other notebook? (See what I did there?) My 'secret' blog? I don't understand, but clarification would be awesome! Probably won't happen now, because passive aggressiveness exist.

I need to start early, because I DO need to get sleep. Only thing keeping me grounded.

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_ _

Back alone.

But was I really ever in company today? See here's what YOU don't see. a long ride in the backseat saved only by a conversation with a unique young musician. Weed was shared time drifted. More of that goes on and on, it seems like the entire trip now. We wait it out 1 ride. After all, what's a trip without you forgetting something kind of necessary? I had no intention on being the 1 doing the walking back and forth and back, but there I was. I guess I thought to myself I had silently complained due to the lack of OUR chill time, the least I could do was take advantage of the time you definitely would be by yourself. I did that, but something happened over the course of this. Well no actually, more good than anything else. You found the missing items and we went on a semi-wack ride. Food... There is was. Either way after that debacle the energy was no longer there and the trip was over.

Now I appreciate being taken somewhere I really do. Thanks.

You even decided to remind me ever so kindly in so much better words to *stop talking like your girl dude cause I aint shit* I can admit to falling into that trap. That's just it though, we are not THAT. Not for the time being anyway. Will we ever get back to that? I'm not sure, and to be honest we haven't exactly shown any reason to think it would be a good idea. Yet here it is turn after turn, some forced interaction.

I don't think that was right... Or what I meant to say, but see SoCjP. I like that, I wonder if I'll remember it since it's meaning isn't recorded anywhere. I guess I just thought maybe she'll actually fix the things that bothered me when we were THAT. I think we're destined to see to different sides to this story though, and that ultimately doesn't bode well for the fate of our THAT.

Completely random, but if I could type in the color that actually appears on the blog I would write forever. Like I said, random.

Back to the heavy stuff.

I don't know what's going on, I just know these are the same type issues. I'm not even asking you to do anything about it. I think it's past time for all of that, I just want an understanding. One I don't know can be reached when we act the way we do. I'm very aware of a pattern that's reemerged. I can't blame any1 but myself because I have full control over it. That doesn't mean I don't recognize the signs that continuously pop up, and I have to question the motivation if the outcomes are mostly negative.

I don't even know why I bother with people that are untruthful though, I think it's because deep down I know that there aren't any who aren't that way. Can I say I've been truthful to every1? No, but then the level of truth is to be considered. I've lied to friends ironically for you, in order to spend more time with you.

I should stop talking in such general statements...

It's not very late, but there is no vehicle to leave if I wanted to. IF I wanted to there wouldn't really be anywhere to go. I could hit up some people to match, but what's the point in going through the hassle when I have everything I need, not to mention everything I would want to do. It's kinda wack being all this for myself... I mean, the 1 thing I'm missing is dead*ss my own spot with the working vehicle.

I'm not even tripping off a car like that right now, I'm on some foot it or back of the bus type sh1t for now. Now the living space... This is big. I have ideas, I have what I feel I would want to do. Best of all though, I have a solid plan that will work. I just want to be able to not be lonely, and that would end it right there.

That would shut a lot of people up too... Funny I just had a very innappropiate probably rude joke to make. Jokes are jokes f*ck it right? Just I'm practicing this thing where I only keep things to myself so as not to hurt the feelings of others, who come to my space to see what I'm writing to myself. Every1 knows these are like conversations right?

I explained it a couple years ago. There's literally rooms and furniture. decorations, paintings! This place has come a long way. There isn't an elevator or anything like that, but I'll tell you the couch is comfy as hell. Ottoman too, Good stuff.

-phone beeps signifying an alert of some sort.

Sadly, I don't know the alerts on my phone. It shouldn't be a problem, because it's normally on silent anyway (a 4 year fun fact for those supposedly in the know) and I'm supposed to be sending it in for a new 1. Long story short, the audio jack is slightly damaged resulting in repeated stoppage of the music. That's the FURTHEST thing from bueno!

Back to the phone... It's usually NOT anything I want to deal with at the time. Even long standing conversations are usually forced on my end. I've come to figure out that I often want more than the norm. People are content saying "this sandwich is good", or "I like this song". Where as I may say the same thing, however, I fully expect a 'why' to be thrown onto the end of those statements. I don't think that's too much to ask, we're not in middle school anymore, and even then I had to justify my words.

Furthermore, I want to know WHY you like something, because it lends clues as to who you are. I want to know your reasons and motivations behind the actions and things you choose to do on daily basis. Why wouldn't I?

I've tried to extract these things, and while I can eventually entertain myself in terms of creating the outcome I WANT to create. I've learned that isn't very fulfilling. Strangers are cool, it's like a game that makes me very giddy. The problem arises then, are you being you? Are they being them? People usually don't want to show their true colors. I for one am an *sshole. I display this often but it is either taken for sarcasm or shot over the heads of the intended audience.

Due to my own self awareness on the matter, I tend to keep myself quiet. Channeling the thoughts I have inward making small observations to myself to recall at a later time. When I go to review those observations I tend to look with an unbiased eye. That undoubtedly comes out when I write. There's that scenario.

Didn't feel like finishing. Don't feel like doing much of anything now, except maybe sleeping. I wouldn't mind watching something in bed until I passed out. Waking up early and getting up there. Me and Marley. Yes I know... Although regardless of how I feel, I'll still think hey I'm about to do this, I should see if she wants to. Never fails.

Just got done looking at my phone. More stress, more mess... For later. I can't do it right now, I'm bogged down with a lot. I might've talked about meeting new friends. That'll come... Now I'm just hoping it kind of starts to happen quickly. I'm tired of feeling like this. Not that any of this can change currently newness brings energy.

I had a crazy post written today. I started actually writing (my kind) and so it couldn't be posted. Maybe I'll just separate the 2. Archiving is so boring (LIE). I was going to fix this place up a litte more, it's been awhile since I last painted. Wondering where some individuals are. No I don't want to see them, just keeping my thoughts versatile like.

Feeling sad. I'd roll up but I think I would just pass right out. Not really worth the trouble it'd take to get it all set up for the 15 minutes of conscious relaxation it'll bring me. I just want to be numb though. Could go Mario or something a little more little. I don't really know. I'm dead broke, so basically I'm wishing these things up wondering why I haven't passed conjuring class yet.

I'm starting to realize that some people are going to do whatever they can whenever they can to hold onto what makes them comfortable. That's a sad thing, and I can't be apart of it... 1 thing is for sure, I hate being considered in conversations where 'using' is the subject matter. I don't use any1. If we are good/cool I expect the sames things you'd expect out of me. However, in my opinion you gotta play it like you would being a guest at a restaurant with another person paying. You observe and follow suit. I don't be up in every1's spot eating up their food drinking up their drinks. 2 things I can definitely do. I don't have much in terms of money either, but I make sure I'm not going through peoples' leftovers and what not.

I expect the same thing! Lol If I could plan to get my broke *ss lunch then you could do it with income. Sharing has never been 1 of my strong suits. Going to resist the urge to tell another inside joke that I would get. I'm lonely, another hour and I'll do what I said I wouldn't.

It's getting to the point I want to just donate a hefty sum and say "go that way", at least then I couldn't be accused of 'getting what I wanted, and bouncing'.



Why is it so hard to see things aren't working because nothing new is being done? For as much advice as you say you get it sure as sh1t isn't helping much. Again with the generalizations.

I'm bout to find a new zone soon, 1 that falsely represents success based on the outward appearance. It's such an interesting thing being able to transform and grab the attention whenever you want. I don't even want attention, I just notice those who do. Those who get it, those who crave it. Interesting indeed. 2I.

Nothing left to say, more changes coming.

All dual statements.

-Covers mouth

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Sunday, May 29, 2011

Changing. "Next time..."

Things are quickly learning to sprout different outcomes then they would have a year ago. Cool, who's REALLY down for change? So many people talk about things but how much are you actually willing to change yo? It'll all start with a picture (or 2 or 4 or 6 maybe more..)

After multiple attempts of sharing what I've learned; the people I deal with currently aren't the most suited for that. It's no knock on them, just me realizing everything isn't for everybody. Cool, (as stated above)I'll learn to change instead. Not sure if changing yourself to better deal with others is the route to take but it's 'cool'.

No more unstructured stream of consciousness entries from me. Of course, due to previous failed attempts. Those will be mine, or whoever I choose to randomly 'share' with (don't hold your f*cking breath). No this will be very precise well thought out 'safe' thoughts from now on. Basically it'll be the FAKE you deal with on a day to day basis. Sorry.

I guess that would make it... Chris' blog again... Ironic.

I can't be mad at that though, people are still mad from the last time I decided to pop E on this b1tch. Speaking of popping, the reason I'm able to say it's okay for MY SPACE to no longer hold MY TRUE THOUGHTS is because soon I'll be able to share them the way they were intended to be.

No longer bogged down by insecurities or a lack of faith in the subject listener. That side of me really is something... So this is kind of an ode. Or a prelude to an ode to new friends. I'm sure to be making plenty in the near future, and I know there's a neat little change that's taking place in the last few days. Sadly, it's 1 that shouldn't have ever mattered, but now will have to define 'me'. It's going to be fun. Oh and I'll be OD drugged up.

*Got clean to get mean*

And now I can quote myself more. Lol I should have listened a long time ago.

Admittedly, these aren't nearly as fun or revealing, but that's what every1 called for...


*Try to seem believable, but face it you don't trust my truth's*

Here go!

"Next time some sh1t is on my mind, it'll stay there!" Joe Budden

Something's missing... smh

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Saturday, May 28, 2011

Friday, May 27, 2011

People are liars.

Darkness always comes to the light, nothing else needs to be said.

_ _

Happy Birthday

I definitely should have posted this earlier but Happy Bday X. 5/26/11 It's yours my dude! Sorry I couldn't be doing whatever it was you were doing, kinda got caught up with some other things that ultimately weren't very fulfilling. I know you understand... I Hope you do, I think you do, have faith that you do,, but ultimately Hope is where I'll leave it. Your a good dude man, a real positive spirit. I love you, and I want to thank you for grabbing a hold of me. You came back into my life when there was more or less nobody else, and we were always close like family so it just seemed natural that we should be that way again. I'm telling you, typing it out and saying it sounds crazy, cause your probably like n1gga what is your n1ggas for? I hear you, but it's been a crazy 2 years. I can't complain I'm breathing I'm learning, I'm living. It was tough though dead*ss. Know you always got a brother/friend/ whatever you need in me man. I really can't express how much I appreciate you accepting me regardless of who I was in front of you. No1 has really done that before when it puts them in awkward situations. You and her, and my parents lol Damn... Just thanks man. Your a unique spirit I'm happy to know you. Stay safe, you getting older now dog gotta leave that wildin out for the youngins. I know it's get money and your seed's on the way but that's WHY you gotta leave it alone. I don't even know.. I'm good. Your good. Thank you.

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Thursday, May 26, 2011

Darkskinned Condition. Lightskin Mentions.

Yet another bullet in my recent stance AGAINST Beyonce. Nothing new, just thought I'd relay that there are other issues I have besides her rehashed recycled songs and declining social message AS SHE GET'S OLDER no less.. smh It's not just Beyonce though. Nicki Minaj get's no more burn from me until she gets with it. You sold your records dumb ignorant girls everywhere are behind you. Speak to THEM not the perverts (like me) who enjoy seeing you in next to nothing for a cheap thrill. The message that's being sent out is just disgracing, and I mean that sincerely. I look around I see young adult women lost, and even more young ladies lost. Notice this has NOTHING to do with race. I just can't fathom let alone respect an artist with so much power not using it to spread positivity. In this case girls WILL be running to the dance floor to break off the next guy instead of hating on each other and being catty.. which may or may not result in a fight breaking out anyway. Sorry if I don't sound like I think very highly of females at the moment. It's not fair to generalize but I TRY, and what I'm getting back is very disheartening. Word to the Oxygen channel.

Dark Girls: Preview from Bradinn French on Vimeo.

Now this. I have to say this first and foremost; most of these dark skinned women they are talking to don't meet what I would deem as attractive. That's just the reality of it from my perspective, which leads me to wonder are their problems due to THAT, or the color complexion of their skin. I'd say the former, just off of the short clip I watched. I call a spade a spade, it's something that has gotten me into some sticky situations but I stand by that. These women just aren't VERY attractive at all. Not all of them by any means, because I see some in there that are very attractive. Some 'just saying' type sh1t.

Now I do agree with what they are relaying to the viewer. It's downright ridiculous in most cases the amount of self awareness that goes into trying NOT to be another darkskin chick. I know 1 beautiful little lady (Little as in stature not age) who doesn't always have the nicest things to say about darkskinned individuals despite being 'black' herself. Not a diss, just a silent observation that coincides with the commentary some of these women were speaking to. I know too many people that share these setiments. Don't get me started on the dudes. It's just crazy to me, no other way to say it or describe it. I've ALWAYS thought girls were the best thing walking, and thus, have found myself enamored by them. They have things I don't, makes sense.

I can't sit here and act as if there are never negative things that put me off women altogether though. For starters, the lack of unity always on full display is somewhat embarrassing. No I'll say it, it's downright embarrassing. Counterproductive. What I find intriguing about this is females usually aspire to be like some1 they see. Some1 visible, a la Beyonce, Nicki Minaj. So yes it irritates me when Women especially black women aspire to be something for reasons they can't explain. It all comes full circle to the question: WHY?

'Because that's what's hot' 'Because that's what guys like' These are 2 answers I'm done hearing. Basically my respect for you has to deminish when you say things like this to me with a straight face. Why do you give a f*ck what anybody else feels or thinks that isn't you? I suppose that's the question. When did THAT acceptance become THE acceptance, and why did they allow room for the rare 'exception'?

I'm honestly getting a little more heated as I type, because I know no 1 willing to stand up for what they believe in. Too much unnecessary thinking goes into it. If your thinking about things you don't need to be, then your not focusing on what you NEED TO BE!

I do have more to say, but a different format in which I can say it is needed.

_ _

Respect Given.

Any1 willing to sacrifice in order to make changes that are influenced by personal beliefs has my respect. Especially in the music industry. Word to Nah Right, I didn't consider this magnitude of change for him, but I'm interested in what's next.

Malice of The Clipse: The Big Picture from Ruby Hornet on Vimeo.

_ _

My Hour.

I'm just sick of the ignorance.

It's not like the radio stations gonna spread it. Then again, it's not like any of ya'll gon play it. Even then you won't pay attention to the words that he's saying. At least J.Cole laced it another win for the musicians.

_ _

A Rested Reminder

From arrested development.

Funny how YOUR favorite rappers f*ck with my favorite rappers, and no1 really knows accept the people seducing the music.

Japanese Cartoon are f*cking ill. No Genre is the way to go.. I tell. Excuse me. I ask people why they do or don't like something and they usually have no clue. Ya'll are straight programmed and I'm not scared to say it. Broaden what "something" is "supposed" to sound like, and ask yourself why you feel that way.

Blu I've bigged him up quite a bit. People still sleeping. 'What's this? Who's this?' Lol whatever man. Music muf*cka. Music.

Real sh1t. I want these projects.

Kind of got me inspired. I've been trying to take 'it' somewhere, but definitely ran out of gas 4 days ago. Like mid sentence too. I'm just taking my time with everything right now. Searching... (I just remembered something I forgot yesterday around 5:00 PM... I think my memory is getting the steroid treatment. Only no juice, straight focus and inspiratoin. Ironic.)

Now I want to write it down, or at least share but I don't want to lose the challenge of actually REMEMBERING IT. Not the most life altering delemma to have. I win early and often today. Where the tee at?

I tucked my F's and R's today. Ucka!

_ _

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Because she's the Reason

Working on a bunch of different 'creative writing' projects. Kind of excited though I'll admit things have fallen under the 'forced' moniker. Not by choice, I just need to let it go when I don't have it. Or not, and keep sharing the less than mediocre stuff you all get to see. Whatever just pay attention to what I care about muf*ckas.

Trying to find the best way to show some1 they still matter isn't necessarily the easiest thing when your choosing my... 'Commonly explored' methods. Stupid words...

I'll say this though, I'll at least have fun trying. Lol I gurantee it.

_ _

Monday, May 23, 2011

But Wait..

There's more because I'm not gangster at all, and I need to be. I'm too touchy feely with my feelings. I think because I listen to beautiful backdrops of soul. So I'm in touch with that sort of sole feeling... Yeah.

Mobb Deep (Shoot em up type sh1t)

G-Unit ((Where my b1tches at shaking that ass type sh1t)

Maybe even some f*cking Rick Ross and Young Jeezy. Who contrary to popular beliefs are not the same rapper. Lol yea... Gangster.

_ _

Liking to listen

I refuse to believe this is a 1st for me and this artist. I blame blogger.

Searching for something. Don't exactly know what it is, though it definitely is buried in sound.Similarities, differences. It doesn't matter, from a perspective I'm doing 1 without the other and vice versa. Vantage points are areas of interest.

9th wonder. I'll start with you. Your soulful/dusty sound is 1 I've long since loved growing up/into hip hop. 1 I'm sure requires mature ears. Ears I didn't have 3 years ago. Your catalog is amazing. Rivaled only by a few.

9th Wonder's catalog is the goal. My eyes have been opened, the evil has to go. Or at least be understood.

*Peace and Understanding*

*Track 03*

No tracks on me, Just ink.

_ _


*Miss I could offer you a kiss but, everything can get so twisted up**

_ _

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Like I don't try.

She says she's leaving again, well that's nothing new. Make sure to tell your friend this one's done I'm too fucking rude. Pops reminiscing, you know how many oppotunities I blew? He does, again, nothing new. I'm cuffing who ever's down too cuddle, well on 2nd thought I'm selling dreams JUST to burst bubbles. If I can't be happy f*ck you gonna be? Not with me for certain only thing I believe: There's no fantasies unless your smoking weed, doing E poppin 3's you might see some sh*t. I'm drifting away from everything, I might need a lift. No car to call my own and no1 calls my phone. Entertainment is what I make it usually indefinitely makeshift.So why the f*ck would I say it stop rubbing the years in my face... Notice the rhyme scheme? See I HAVE withdrawal I just think exercising shouldn't be part of the clause. Filtering so much it's crazy, after the fact I said I wouldn't I must've really cared about the lady. Still no tears, and with as much as I've been on the memories will soon be fading, but deadass who's hating? What a wack card to try and pull, you pulled it and I was astonished said 'f*ck it' I'll play the fool. So I hate you too, forever and ever more No f*cking names mentioned what am I being subliminal for? Its a critical sore that I'm not feeling anymore. Tried to let it scab over of course that didn't work, every new wound or scratch reminded me I waS HURT then I didn't some JERKsh1t unearthed what I felt was THE purpose execution less than perfect, but GOD it was all worth it. I see there was supposed to be a party tonight, ohh that makes sense, hit me and try to make it right. Then we can ACT like it's alright like we didn't just get done with a fight that lasted throughout the entire car ride. I'm bout to glide on these snitches. Oh there's that word.. What the hell everything can't be stopped by a censor. They say b1tch on tv now? Word? I never knew. I knew a couple in my day but none like you. Leave it at that before my tires get slashed, sh1t I might really need to pack. People in LA say 'come we got some ill sh1t' my New York click warns me 'just be legit' That's east or west, might even do Texas, F it I'll do what, I want you hit the exit. Life is Tetris, and I have a death wish. Truth is too many acted clueless now I'm really bout to do this. F it. Like I said I'm just down to get the best fit taking motivation from the messages I'm checking. Got you, you, and you. You know I'm lying barely half of what I say is true I'm excluded by noise secluded like toys. Letting my fingers and thumbs dictate my voice. You know growing up teachers always said I spoke through my words and now here I am trying to make them all work together. I'm forever pulling the wrong levers but I thought we were on the same level now communications severed. Why? Somebody had to try, feelings had to die, just like me inside. I'm gonna go bi, I really don't like sex. Or dudes either, it's a complex concept. Gonna go buy a net to catch my thoughts when I'm high. When I'm high it's such an incredible ride. Get an edible tie and let her figure out what to do with it. Honestly so many things been getting at me. I'm scared to even write it with all these 'new' blog sightings let's just say there's plenty keeping me away from commitment. After being OD committed with crazy doubts my position shifted into a gear I wasn't comfortable with I like to be neutral but resisting proved futile. Goodbye love, it was something else indeed. I'm in need of some1 who gets me, not just wants me because they grew to love me. Keep it real with yourself the last 2 years been ugly. How's that for a time stamp? I'm trying to be a man I keep fighting the realizations I come across but I can't just ignore them. *hey, your dumb! Your dumb!* I'm shaking my head like I feel it but I don't I've been numb. bout to get something to cut maybe then I'll give a f*ck.

The definition of 'sucks'

_ _


People are back in town I'm ready to do drugs, lets get up.

_ _

I'm such a f*cking liar

Kinda Cool

To be more attracted to some1 4 years after you met them and well... heh Definitely dope.

Little over a month ago but your right I think your ugly, and a bunch of other hurtful things. It is what it is, if I said I wasn't used to it I'd be lying. This just 1 of many examples since atraction was called into play. People stop f*cking with me. Especially when you sound ignorant I've been me so acting as if this is something new just makes you sound even more wack.

As I stated too many times. People read this sh1t and take what they want from it. I'm not going to censor my mind cause people are quick to catch feelings and leave. People are quick to catch feelings and get disappointed resulting in them leaving. People leave is the point. Ya'll won't be the 1st or the last. I've dealt with this long enough and I'm no longer causing my tongue to bleed on your behalf.

_ _

Friday, May 20, 2011

The list

1st off, motherf*ck RIM. That's all.

1-)Well This isn't Awkward

10 Things I Hate About Me


808's And Heartbreaks

Al Boo Boo

American Gangsta: Who is Charles Hamilton?

American Gangsta V2.0 Where Is Charles Hamilton

American Gangster

Apollo Kids


Asleep In The Bread Aisle (Lark on my go-Kart, I love college)

At Most I'm Just...

Atlantis And A... ('08, '09,'10)


Attention Deficit

Ayo! These Niggaz Went Hollywood

Back Like Cooked Crack 2

Back To The Future, Back to The Haze



Below The HEavens

Bitch Mob Respect Da Bitch Vol. 1

Black Star

Blueprint 2 The Gift And The curse cd1&2

Bonus And Unreleased Vol.2


By All Means Necessary

CH Songs (change title)

Charles Hamilt-ENDS (group)

Charles Hamilton Random Iphone Music (Group)

Charles Hamilton's Attempts at "Swag"

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

College Dropout

Come Home With Me (Oh Boy, Come Home With Me ft. Juelz San, Welcome to NYC, Hey MA)

Confessions (Special Ed Remove Ipod)

Continum (REmove Ipod)

Corpse House

Covert Coup

Crime Pays

Da Drought 3

Da U.S. Open

Death is Silent

Death of a Pop star

Dedication 2

Despicable Me (despicable me)

Detroit Deli (A Taste of Destroit)

Diplomatic Immunity 1&2

Distant Relatives

DJ Skee Presents: And Then They Played Dilla...

DJ Skee PresentsL Crash Landed

DJ Skee Presents: Death of The Mixtape Rapper

DJ Skee Presents: It's Charles Hamilton

DJ Skee Presents: Sonic The Hamilton

DJ Skee Presents: Staff Development

DJ Skee Presents: The L Word

Doctor's Advocate

Doe or Die






Enemy of The State: A Love Story

Every Charles Hamilton Ex-Girlfriend's Worse Nightmare

Fear of God

Finding Forever

First Order of Business Side A&B

Flashback Vol. 1 Back to the Future

(For you locker)


Get Rich Or Die Trying


God's Son


Grow Wing Pains

Gunz N BUtta

Gutter Rainbows




Hip Hop Is Dead

Hi-Teknology 2: The chip

Hot Sauce Committee Part 2

How I Got Over

I Am

I Am Not A Human Being

I F*cking Hate Rappers



In My Lifetime. Vol. 1

In The Jaws Of The Lords of Death



... is a bi-polar rabbit

It Takes a Nation of Millions to hold us back

It Was Written

It Was WrittN

January Rush/No Competition


Jesus LP

Johnson & Jonson


Kingdom Come

Kush & OJ


Late Registration



Like Water For Chocolate

Liquid Swords

Lupe Fiasco's Food & Liquor

Lupe the Jedi

Man On the Moon II: The End of Day


Mic Check (L Word3)


My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy

My Brain is Alive

My Heart



No Competition

No Genre


Nostalgia, ultra

Nothing (Deluxe Edition)

Odd future Tape


Only Built 4 Cuban Linx

Outside Looking


O(verly) D(edictaed)

Paid in full:Deluxe Editiion

Pink Friday


Pretty Boy Millionares (Birth of Rap)

Reasonable Doubt

Recovery/(Deluxe Edition)

Reflection Eternal




Relapse Refill


Return Of 4Eva

Revolutions Per Minute

Ronald Dregan Dreagnomics

Ruff Mixes (Everybody)

School Was My Hustle


Shut Up Already!!!

Sir Lucious Left Foot The Son Of Chico Dusty


Slim Shady LP

Slum Village (Retail)

Snap Crackle Pop

So Far Gone

Songs About Jane (Remove ipod)

Songs In A Minor (Remove ipod)

Speakerboxxxx The Love Below 2CD

Spelling Bee

Starchaser Radio

Sth2: HD (The Scroll of Beethoven and Machiavielli)


Street's Disciple

Strictly For Snapping


Supreme Clientele


Teflon Don

Tha Carter II

Tha Carter III

Thank Me Later

The Adventure of Bobby Ray

The Binge Vol.1 Staring At the lavalamp

The Binge vol.3 :Charles Hamilton's Last Mixtape

The Black Album

The Blue Lavalamp (M/A/T/E: Mirrors Are The Enemy)

The Blueprint

The blueprint 3

The Bonus & Unreleased: Freestyle Edition

The Bonus & Unreleased Vol.1

The Bootleg Of The bootleg EP

The Carter

The Charles Hamilton Project

The Chronic

The Come Up Mixtape Vol.1

The Cool

The darkside Volume 1

The Dead Zone

The Dena Tape

The dynasty - Roc La Familia

The Ecstatic

The Eminm Show

The Essential Michael Jackson

The Evil Jeanius

The Family Sign

The Fix

TheGenie of the Lamp

The Good Sun

Thge Great Adventures of Slick Rick

The greatest story never Told

The Hardest Mixtape EVER muthafcuker

The Hunger For More 2

The L Word II: Lust and Love (INcomplete)

The Lady killer

The Lavalamp Zone

The listening

The lost Tapes (retail)

The Marshall Mathers LP

The Minstrel Show

The miseducation of Lauryn Hill

The Piece Talks

The Pink Lavalamp

The Power of Illumination

The Return of the magnificent

The Slaughterhouse EP

The Soul Tape

The Warm Up


This Perfect Life


Time Is Money

Touch The sky Mixtape

TrunkMuzik 0-60

TUFLI Tuesdays

Universal Mind Cntrol


Vol2 Hard Knock Life

Vol.2 Dream Marchant

Vol 3 Life And Times OF S Carter

Vol.4 Escape From Harlem

W. A.R. (We Are REegades)

Well Isn't This Awkward...

What The F*ck Is a Jay Electronica

What Life Gives You Lemons, You paint that shit Gold

Where Is Charles Hamilton?


Wu Massacre

Zero Heroes


You've Got Mail

_ _

Interesting Message

I'm doing my morning thing, and I see I have an interesting message on facebook. "Read your blog. Just thought you should know"


Well thanks now I know. I can't decide whether to feel slighted, or ashamed, but I'm a quick decision maker and it can't be the latter. It just can't, sometimes it has to be f*ck how you all feel, cause your taking a random moment on a random day to check this, I'm literally talking myself through some stuff. I guess that's why there were apologies noted on the same place you found reason to need to be apologized to in the 1st place.

I'm not perfect, but I certainly own up to my mistakes. Maybe ya'll should try doing that as a friend to me for once? Just a thought... I know I'm not the only 1 that's been f*cking up in a 'relationship' and now being out of that hey you get what you get. I'm an *sshole with feelings that usually go unnoticed.

Even people I've made a point to spend more time with don't come to the realizations or ask the questions I would expect. So yes, I'm going to be that way until I can find some1 in deep within the reality that is real everyday life to help me. I'm LOOKING so hard, and that's why I've found nothing.

Sorry for the display of disrespect and animosity. I just ask we start looking at the 'what could/did I do to make this situation worse?'

Cool I'm on my zonin type sh1t today. Gotta get it in early, and since it's most definitely a solo thing (People don't keep the hours I keep unless they live in London or the East coast. Even then it's a stretch) I can feel myself being exhausted, I have a lot of heavy questions weighing on me.

I've become quite the talkative body on Twitter and Facebook. Well he has I've been observing. Obviously to compensate for something I don't have.

Death is certain, death is silent, and at times can arrive through violence.
Still learning how to deal with death while maintaining a distant fascination of the unknown.

Last night was probably the worst feeling I've felt... all I could think about were things like this:

Up late fatigued in my face and it shows we closed that book all of a sudden I have feelings in droves couldn't do a thing about em decided to watch our old shows, Like am I suppose to just ignore those? Hard to laugh, tried to think back on what would make you crack, burst into laughter, but with each outburst a pitiful pain would come after. Man f*ck this new chapter...

Over and over and over and over and over! Never wrote a thing still haven't (until that right there, which was honestly more like closing my eyes and recapping). Being alone is giving me the confidence to speak to myself though. Literally. See I'm quite angry, very bitter. I don't know why yet but I know that my attitude is on FULL on display, and I don't give a f*ck. I'm a big *ss baby I've heard it enough, but I've also always tried to hold my tongue. What for though?

I'm not trying to offend anybody I just want to know what I'm feeling. Do you understand that's what the blog helps me do?? I've kept up with EVERY1's sh1t lol funny I don't pop up here or there or feel some kind of way when ya'll get disrespectful, human nature I know, so it is what it is.

Although I do wish some of you would have the guts to say some of your 'thoughts' to me, it's still all good not even an issue.

Before I get into the musical spiel, let me say Charles Hamilton is nothing like Talib Kweli. Won't go into it, just leave it at that.

Yesterday I kinda got into the 'evils' of the music we listen to. YES EVIL! When you hear me speaking on this type of stuff don't think for a second I'm standing over 'there' talking about what's going on 'here'. I'm involved because I love this sh1t. I talk about it because I love this sh1t. Think about this, I love movies, I mess with ALL kinds of movies. Music's no different, I just take it more seriously, and it should be taken that way it's too powerful of a tool to just ignore the pull it has.

I asked some friends what they thought about Kanye's transformation as an artist from College Dropout to now. I didn't get very far though, the answers were too vague and didn't really speak to any general aspects that he may have transformed from and/or into. ie. flow, delivery, lyrics, beats, etc. So while I received absolutely nothing I was looking for I discovered part of what I already knew. Girls don't really listen to music like that. If they do clap for yourself and them, your the minority in a major way. Yet, girls buy the music... See the issue there?

I just get baffled when people are ignorant as to what it is they are consuming. Who goes and gets a random dish of food without knowing WHAT it is, but knowing that it IS a combination of a bunch of different unhealthy foods???

Sounds ridiculous right?

Anyway the darkness of the music right now is killing me. Random lines thrown into lyrics with no explanation... "oh it'll be a beautiful death. Jumping out the windoww..." Kanye Power.
It's the easiest 1 to pick right now. Let me ask why you would want thousands of people at a time singing this in unity? That's some cult sh1t in my opinion. The more interesting fact about it is people DON'T realize that they are singing such a morbid action out. Leads me to believe that the powerful backdrop is a means to confuse and or disorient.

There's so much more... you got Jay-Z's "and Jesus can't save you, life starts when the church ends.." Like really? Guess what else is interesting. I listen to this stuff, my spirituality is admittedly no where near the level it used to be. That could be a direct result of a bunch of things.. Just saying stuff like that is EVERYWHERE in today's music, and people are so dumb they don't pay attention, they just consume.


I'm still looking for THAT convo. Yo Jess, you are amazing with that, the more I'm talking about it the more I realize you were basically on point with it. WTF was wrong with me. I mean sure we disagreed and I still believe most of your disagreements are based in stupid person bias' (like most all things we disagreed on. Check.) but, at least you had information backing things up. Well, more than what I've come across lately. Quotes, breakdowns. Your ill with it.

Now to curb these negative feelings.

*Half past sleepy time*

But it's 8AM. Today may be a long 1, I want to nap so I can at least enjoy this high. I'm learning a lot from some of the more aware socially conscious programming around believe it or not.

"alcohol and drugs are used to cope with trauma, and the feeling of isolation" Don't even want to say where I got that 1.

Just had a brilliant idea though.. Get some. Rummage through the alcohol at my parents' house

Get high, Zoloft Woodstock, get through the day. I need to make phone calls and I'm doing that thing where I sit while letting my thoughts paralyze me. Too much work to do.

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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Pondering Logix.

Chill no typo.

Realization was just made... Would I be wrong to take and post from say more 'personal' sources without permission like I do these videos, pictures, and anything else I feel like posting? Would I?? Because I REALLY want to... Struggling with what to do here, controversy just makes things more interesting I'd say. Besides its SOOOOO BORING out here lol.

You ever notice the 1's that complain about having nothing to do often DO nothing?? Another observation.

I'm over good doing nothing, because when I'm doing nothing my mind is doing the most. *Gotta go coolio* (That means it's getting too hot)

They don't get it.

BIG ups to Pac.

ILLY!!!!! OMG I didn't even rea... yo...

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People think I'm crazy.

I'm not f*cking crazy. They be jacking my mans is labeling the sh1t new. Nah b F all that, I don't know how I feel about this.


*EEWW N1gga u gay*

Peep the song choice and the verse that was chosen to cover it too. SMH


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This is crazy yo..

I'm off. Let's just put it that way. I'll be off for awhile so deal or don't. I'm feeling accomplished and proud, but it's so sadly ironic those feelings have left me with a sick pit in my chest. Yikes... I'm in a difficult place. I'm absolutely terrified to go back to the place I feel the greatest discoveries were made. Consequently due to my 'lack of ambition'(so wack), I'm feeling like I'm going to lose it. Whatever 'it' is, in this case it's a lens I've been looking through providing me with spectacular yet hard-to-watch-all-the-way-through-without-cringing-or-looking-away observations. I DO feel bad, but now I'm just a little lost with where to go now. Nothing surprising it's to be expected. Thus, leaving my days lukewarm and lousy the reason it's coming back to structure, back to... Sense(s). My ego is stupid. I have no reason to display the confidence in such a way, when I feel so low. People really don't get it. You get low enough your just not going to care either way. Numbness takes over. So my 'confidence' is just 1's misguided perspective.

Talk about learning lessons, I've been smacked with heavy 1's all week.. I think I lost too many important things word to my Beats. I'm feeling like my directness is going to get me in trouble, but F*ck it, tell me I have a problem. Cause I have a problem with those who choose to be passive when I'm open to your criticism in the worst way. Hoping for it really. I think some friends are getting frustrated with the way things are playing out. I notice, but I'll say nothing. It's not my place to. I'm the f*cking fly on the wall.

I'm actually mourning believe it or not. I need to be careful with how I word this because it's bigger than me. I'm mourning due to death. Something I don't completely get, definitely something I have trouble expressing. I Feel too much once again...

Yo I think the wackest thing about me is I can sit down and express fairly accurately how I'm feeling, but when face to face all the thoughts and emotions hit a dead end. It's like I literally see them crash into this barrier that's been put up and I have no clue what to do with them, so I do nothing. Wishing all the while I would do something. I feel like that now. I felt like that with Coach Bugalski. Different coach still skiing, get it together yo.

People need me to be strong, because in THIS life there's plenty bigger than me. I need to act like it.

On some bunny to a rabbit type sh1t. Scary is the unknown.

Anyway, I want to be me *FREE* freely, I'm sure toes will be stepped on. *shrugs* I'll try my best, put it that way.

Think about this though.. getting clean to get dirty. OD.

I think writing this way is MORE confusing thing letting words free flow into rhymes. Interesting...

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Or am I just... Senseless?