Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.

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Monday, May 30, 2011

P.S.5

I had a problem ran to the blog to solve it peeped the clock/
Goin all in, nope people watching had to stop/
Or rather plot a new scheme for the theme describing my scene/
It's my thing you wasn't prying deep while I was crying/
No sleep no money just creeps laughing with trees/
I'm hungry with plenty to eat nobody's laughing with me/
Disastrous disease but I'm rattling free/
Been through enough to believe I've actually seen plenty/




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Calculated.



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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

To those that know.

What's the difference between an open heart and a broken heart? Nothing the only difference is 1 sounds better than the other. Thanks Chuck.

What's the difference between being fired and quitting? 1 of the perspectives changes, along with the benefits you may or may not be able to get (sex/f*cking).

What's the difference between losing some1 you care about, and watching them storm out of your life? Same as the 1st question. Nothing 1 sounds better, the outcome is still the same.

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Scrutinize these all you want, because I know that I have my mind made up. Monday morning, after waiting like I said I wouldn't but knew I would anyway the decision has been made for me. So now I'm packing my things and preparing to do the traveler's journey thing all over. Bike, foot, or vehicle it doesn't matter.

I'll have everything I need, and everything I don't want will be ignored.

I've always told kids I coached, "you should be happy your hearing my voice, if I wasn't saying anything to you then you 'd have a reason to worry because that would mean I don't care."

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Well, not to say I don't care but yeah, curtains.

Watch my phone mysteriously stop working. F*ck it, I must be writing. I plan to be writing, so yeah, I'm writing.











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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

*Tupac Voice*

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This is anothes blog about changes. Too much. I need Pac aqui asap though.

A lot of new changes popping up as I already explained. The biggest 1 taking place very soon is the number of posts being shown on 1 page. I OD'd with the number beforehand because people weren't paying any f*cking attention. It was my own little way of saying F you, don't lie to my face. Now that I'm over that, the numbers will be reduced significantly. Probably down to 5 or 6. That seems about right if I can keep up the pace.

The blog archives are now ALLLLLLLLLLLL the way at the bottom. There's a page link to the side, but I haven't figured that 1 out yet. Basically there's going to be a bunch of new 'randoms' on here, and they won't be very random at all. Pictures included.

I told you my creating writing is getting out of hand. Grab a clue. They are everywhere! Lol






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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

When?

I woke up way too early off a small amount of sleep and I wasn't stressing that fact 1 bit. I woke up with strange question though. If the end is the end, when do you part ways? When do you say goodbye??

There's 1 thing I'm actually trying not to do, and unfortunately I'm probably prone to doing it anyway. Hurting people I care about it is something I wish to NEVER do. I do it often sure, but I try to learn from my mistakes. It's not something I'm proud of, but I am proud to say that I am always on a path to
changing for the better.

There are more than a few situations where I've taken the low road and decided that the feelings of some I cared about weren't important enough to give f*cks about. I have since came back to my senses, apologized, and tried my best to live out that apology. So if it's the end, I just want to do this the best way possible for you. I know it seems kind of weird but I've been 'missing' from the house for a very precise reason.

I don't want to be unfair to people, and unfortunately when you do spend as much time with a certain group things are expected of you. I have brothers too now, though what's gone on between us has ALWAYS gotten in the way of what that relationship should mean, could mean. I still have to consider those people. I've tried believe me, I've gone both ways and down both paths, but I still find myself stuck morally.

There should be no show put on for any1. That's how I feel, but something tells me people haven't disclosed information correctly. I don't know how I feel about that. On 1 hand, hey great things are the 'same'. On the other things aren't the same we both know it, and we're very close to doing something permanent about it. Well more permanent then what's already been done.

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This is a great time to mention that I don't trust much of any1 anymore. Not that people did anything wrong (they did), but people have shown me the truth. I've tried to ignore it like out in Kansas but we know how that story ended.

I don't want to walk around feeling like that, but I don't want to walk around feeling a bunch of things. I guess I want to be able to deal better, hide more. People really don't need to know how I'm feeling, the more I realize that the better I think I'll be. I'm good doing what I'm doing right now

(so lately 'write now' and 'righting' are occurring A LOT d(-__-)b )

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That's my whatever the music's playing look. (And it is =) )


I just don't want the backlash that comes from saying "yes, I am changing the person you used to know. The person you may have fallen in love with at some point. That dude, probably won't exist anymore." You'd think that'd be cause for celebration or something...

You really gotta bear with me, not like many read anyway, I'm just trying to make up for all the stuff I'm erasing (ie. editing out) of these entries, people don't realize this is actually therapeutic to me. Dead*ss.

In Kansas me, Kiki, and Rora would sit in a room very close proximity's and individually create different blog entries that had nothing to do with the others. It was fun, we were together but separate and distant while being extremely close. Well that was the 'wave'. It helped, believe it or not Kansas is a tough spot to be in if the chips aren't right. Just a memory I remembered, dorm room blogging. Good stuff...

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I've been doing this for sometime so I know where I'm going when I'm lost here. It doesn't matter I just keep GOING! That's the key most still haven't turned to open the door and discover what's on the other side.  Just try to keep going regardless.








~~~FREE CHARLES HAMILTON!~~~





Back to the topic. People I care about I don't want to hurt you, so know I'm trying at every turn. Every time I get an opportunity to better myself I'm taking it, for you and myself. I plan to build ME up so I can finally build YOU up.

Funny thing about this blog is that's what it was supposed to do. I was feeling pretty out there in Kansas, and I wanted others feeling like me to know 'hey, it's cool ya'll we got this'. It ended up being something much more. I discovered unless your in a position to help yourself your probably just blowing hot air.

I feel like the timing is right though, and I can finally stop talking like a psycho. Just watch what I do with a little bit of opportunity. I've been saying for the longest I just needed a foot in the door. I got that, albeit wrong door (for me) but it's still an opportunity I'm about to kill.

If people are still with me by the end of THIS journey, it'll pay off in more ways then 1.

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Lol Who actually believes that?

Dead*ss though, what I AM in the minds of others needs to be established quickly.

*N1gga I'm really high off the Heem, The Haze*





*She's the color of the sun, the pedals of a daisy, I LOVE the color yellow on my lady*

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Blog inspiration if you were wondering.

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Finally Rest.

I will go use my comfortable bed and while doing so, I will not feel guilt or shame poking at me telling me to get up. I looked up at the clock it was 11:50. I looked up at the clock again it was 1:30. This is the type of sh1t I'm talking about. I stopped checking the phone, it was too much. All the good stuff is in my jacket pocket, yet I'll be figuring that out by myself again. I hate that driving is an issue but you can... Whatever. Too many problems. I'll try not to call or contact, but I'll be lonely soon again. Then I'm forced with the decision to make. I can end all of this, it's as simple as introducing myself to the next stranger, or taking notice to 1 of the plenty that notice me. Why am I so relunctant to do this again? Better yet, why has every1 begun to be shunned at the expense of...

See it's unfair. I won't go there and I won't argue that I should be allowed to. Tomorrow is a holiday apparently, and all that tells me is parents will be home. No comfortable anything high unless it's in your room type sh1t. I love my room by the way. Not my fault most don't know how to utilize it the way I do.

I struggle to believe others are up at strange hours considering some1 other than themselves. That bothers me only because I can't stop when I want to. The only way I know how to turn people off is to be rude. That hardly works now that I think about it. I don't like hurting others, it's not why I'm here.

I could diagnose myself again, figure out what's wrong with me. How pointless would that be? It's really weird to know that you keep things from yourself, because you KNOW. That's where I'm at. I have some pretty self explanatory explanations as to why things are not going how I would imagine they should. I don't want to get into them just yet, there's still a little more that needs to take place. For now, it's turning out the way I thought it would eventually. We'll see.

I hate being tired with desire to do nothing more than fill the page up. Pen to paper is so much more... connected. I think anyway... I feel that way anyway. The stuff in my book... smh

Doesn't look like I'll be getting my RoundTable Pizza today or my Baskin Robbins. The latter is okay, I had that yesterday (even though the bum *ss spot didn't have my new favorite flavor. I think it's seasonal or something). Pizza though, I really wanted some of my favorite pizza. I should have planned better and I would have it...

For what it's worth, all the things I complain about I sure do put myself right back in those situations. Like without fail and constantly. I noticed that because I always tell those who can't take me to stop trying to. Either that, or find some1 you can take. Crazy how we hardly take our own advice. I can only imagine the amount of scrutiny I'd fall under taking THAT kind of advice though. I've heard snippets here and there, I'm sure I know exactly what would be hurled at me.

Anyway, probably no pizza which really sucks.

I hate don't like when some1 says they are doing something for you, then they proceed to do all the things that would make you say they did it for them. I seem to be catching too many people doing this to me right now and it's annoying. Once again, I just want my Round Table (catch it?) Pizza.

I have no idea what I'm getting ready to do besides hit this bed. I mean getting ready to do in terms of what I'm going to let watch me fall asleep. Probably Trigun, because it has to be something I won't feel guilty for having watched without you. Even though when you consider the time it takes to complete a series together, it's rather ridiculous to expect either of us to wait on the other.

There's plenty I would love to watch. I've been weary of getting back into my netflix shows. That's a whole different type of crack right there, I'm not sure I'm prepared for that. Getting cozy, still searching.

I-Vin0!

Cause I ain't shouted you out in a minute my dude! Miss you too, we gotta connect up soon man.

Jerome! Pooh Butt! I miss ya'll too, got some funds coming in so I'm definitely making the trip to see ya'll sooner rather than later!

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So many exclamation marks... I'm aware of such things.
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*Any mistakes are just mean*



Hopefully Goodnight, to an early morning filled with whatever with whoever I want.




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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Just my luck

Trying to appeal to others I lost it. This type of stuff happens all the time, just wish it didn't happen to something I felt was on some next type sh1t for me. Not an issue, I'll top it by tomorrow afternoon... I was going to send an 'extra special f*ck you' to a specific group of girls (trust me your all spared) but thought against it due to potential mass confusion.

My creative writing is getting there too...





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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Another thought.

If I'm supposed to keep everything to myself, as in NOT post it "for the world to see" as if "the world" knows everything about the nameless person I'm writing about (I sure don't). Where is it that you suggest I put it?

NOT another blog that no1 knows about (despite me telling EVERY1)right? I'm in danger of reenacting Dwight in this years finale episode trying to make a case for myself. I'm not even breaking that 1 down if you aint on it you out.

Hold up... *excuse me I was breaking the bud on a table of love*

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Dead*ss though, n1ggaspeople aint blogging like me.

Got crunk on the keys and now I'm bout to let go...


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I did in fact let go about 6 or 7 hours ago... I really am proud of myself at times. I've come a LONG way. I still can't tell you where I'm at as far as my 'writing prowess' but f*ck that, I'm treating this sh1t like track. I'm playing against myself and I KNOW I'm better lol.

Still I thought I posed a pretty good question. If I'm not supposed to get super duper personal on here where every1 can see it then where? My notebook? My other notebook? (See what I did there?) My 'secret' blog? I don't understand, but clarification would be awesome! Probably won't happen now, because passive aggressiveness exist.

I need to start early, because I DO need to get sleep. Only thing keeping me grounded.


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)



Trippy...


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Back alone.

But was I really ever in company today? See here's what YOU don't see. a long ride in the backseat saved only by a conversation with a unique young musician. Weed was shared time drifted. More of that goes on and on, it seems like the entire trip now. We wait it out 1 ride. After all, what's a trip without you forgetting something kind of necessary? I had no intention on being the 1 doing the walking back and forth and back, but there I was. I guess I thought to myself I had silently complained due to the lack of OUR chill time, the least I could do was take advantage of the time you definitely would be by yourself. I did that, but something happened over the course of this. Well no actually, more good than anything else. You found the missing items and we went on a semi-wack ride. Food... There is was. Either way after that debacle the energy was no longer there and the trip was over.

Now I appreciate being taken somewhere I really do. Thanks.

You even decided to remind me ever so kindly in so much better words to *stop talking like your girl dude cause I aint shit* I can admit to falling into that trap. That's just it though, we are not THAT. Not for the time being anyway. Will we ever get back to that? I'm not sure, and to be honest we haven't exactly shown any reason to think it would be a good idea. Yet here it is turn after turn, some forced interaction.

I don't think that was right... Or what I meant to say, but see SoCjP. I like that, I wonder if I'll remember it since it's meaning isn't recorded anywhere. I guess I just thought maybe she'll actually fix the things that bothered me when we were THAT. I think we're destined to see to different sides to this story though, and that ultimately doesn't bode well for the fate of our THAT.

Completely random, but if I could type in the color that actually appears on the blog I would write forever. Like I said, random.

Back to the heavy stuff.

I don't know what's going on, I just know these are the same type issues. I'm not even asking you to do anything about it. I think it's past time for all of that, I just want an understanding. One I don't know can be reached when we act the way we do. I'm very aware of a pattern that's reemerged. I can't blame any1 but myself because I have full control over it. That doesn't mean I don't recognize the signs that continuously pop up, and I have to question the motivation if the outcomes are mostly negative.



I don't even know why I bother with people that are untruthful though, I think it's because deep down I know that there aren't any who aren't that way. Can I say I've been truthful to every1? No, but then the level of truth is to be considered. I've lied to friends ironically for you, in order to spend more time with you.

I should stop talking in such general statements...

It's not very late, but there is no vehicle to leave if I wanted to. IF I wanted to there wouldn't really be anywhere to go. I could hit up some people to match, but what's the point in going through the hassle when I have everything I need, not to mention everything I would want to do. It's kinda wack being all this for myself... I mean, the 1 thing I'm missing is dead*ss my own spot with the working vehicle.

I'm not even tripping off a car like that right now, I'm on some foot it or back of the bus type sh1t for now. Now the living space... This is big. I have ideas, I have what I feel I would want to do. Best of all though, I have a solid plan that will work. I just want to be able to not be lonely, and that would end it right there.

That would shut a lot of people up too... Funny I just had a very innappropiate probably rude joke to make. Jokes are jokes f*ck it right? Just I'm practicing this thing where I only keep things to myself so as not to hurt the feelings of others, who come to my space to see what I'm writing to myself. Every1 knows these are like conversations right?

I explained it a couple years ago. There's literally rooms and furniture. decorations, paintings! This place has come a long way. There isn't an elevator or anything like that, but I'll tell you the couch is comfy as hell. Ottoman too, Good stuff.


-phone beeps signifying an alert of some sort.

Sadly, I don't know the alerts on my phone. It shouldn't be a problem, because it's normally on silent anyway (a 4 year fun fact for those supposedly in the know) and I'm supposed to be sending it in for a new 1. Long story short, the audio jack is slightly damaged resulting in repeated stoppage of the music. That's the FURTHEST thing from bueno!

Back to the phone... It's usually NOT anything I want to deal with at the time. Even long standing conversations are usually forced on my end. I've come to figure out that I often want more than the norm. People are content saying "this sandwich is good", or "I like this song". Where as I may say the same thing, however, I fully expect a 'why' to be thrown onto the end of those statements. I don't think that's too much to ask, we're not in middle school anymore, and even then I had to justify my words.

Furthermore, I want to know WHY you like something, because it lends clues as to who you are. I want to know your reasons and motivations behind the actions and things you choose to do on daily basis. Why wouldn't I?

I've tried to extract these things, and while I can eventually entertain myself in terms of creating the outcome I WANT to create. I've learned that isn't very fulfilling. Strangers are cool, it's like a game that makes me very giddy. The problem arises then, are you being you? Are they being them? People usually don't want to show their true colors. I for one am an *sshole. I display this often but it is either taken for sarcasm or shot over the heads of the intended audience.

Due to my own self awareness on the matter, I tend to keep myself quiet. Channeling the thoughts I have inward making small observations to myself to recall at a later time. When I go to review those observations I tend to look with an unbiased eye. That undoubtedly comes out when I write. There's that scenario.

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Didn't feel like finishing. Don't feel like doing much of anything now, except maybe sleeping. I wouldn't mind watching something in bed until I passed out. Waking up early and getting up there. Me and Marley. Yes I know... Although regardless of how I feel, I'll still think hey I'm about to do this, I should see if she wants to. Never fails.

Just got done looking at my phone. More stress, more mess... For later. I can't do it right now, I'm bogged down with a lot. I might've talked about meeting new friends. That'll come... Now I'm just hoping it kind of starts to happen quickly. I'm tired of feeling like this. Not that any of this can change currently newness brings energy.


I had a crazy post written today. I started actually writing (my kind) and so it couldn't be posted. Maybe I'll just separate the 2. Archiving is so boring (LIE). I was going to fix this place up a litte more, it's been awhile since I last painted. Wondering where some individuals are. No I don't want to see them, just keeping my thoughts versatile like.

Feeling sad. I'd roll up but I think I would just pass right out. Not really worth the trouble it'd take to get it all set up for the 15 minutes of conscious relaxation it'll bring me. I just want to be numb though. Could go Mario or something a little more little. I don't really know. I'm dead broke, so basically I'm wishing these things up wondering why I haven't passed conjuring class yet.

I'm starting to realize that some people are going to do whatever they can whenever they can to hold onto what makes them comfortable. That's a sad thing, and I can't be apart of it... 1 thing is for sure, I hate being considered in conversations where 'using' is the subject matter. I don't use any1. If we are good/cool I expect the sames things you'd expect out of me. However, in my opinion you gotta play it like you would being a guest at a restaurant with another person paying. You observe and follow suit. I don't be up in every1's spot eating up their food drinking up their drinks. 2 things I can definitely do. I don't have much in terms of money either, but I make sure I'm not going through peoples' leftovers and what not.

I expect the same thing! Lol If I could plan to get my broke *ss lunch then you could do it with income. Sharing has never been 1 of my strong suits. Going to resist the urge to tell another inside joke that I would get. I'm lonely, another hour and I'll do what I said I wouldn't.

It's getting to the point I want to just donate a hefty sum and say "go that way", at least then I couldn't be accused of 'getting what I wanted, and bouncing'.

*sighs*

Really?

Why is it so hard to see things aren't working because nothing new is being done? For as much advice as you say you get it sure as sh1t isn't helping much. Again with the generalizations.


I'm bout to find a new zone soon, 1 that falsely represents success based on the outward appearance. It's such an interesting thing being able to transform and grab the attention whenever you want. I don't even want attention, I just notice those who do. Those who get it, those who crave it. Interesting indeed. 2I.

Nothing left to say, more changes coming.

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All dual statements.

-Covers mouth

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

DO I MAKE SENSE YET!?

Or am I just... Senseless?