Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Rebel or Pacifist

I guess my words are loaded with some secret sauce.

"Bride don't leave me! But, Your choice MISS. You know where my void is, and the voices, can't even tell you where the voice is"

I love when I come across lyrics that sum up how I'm feeling so perfectly. This happens to be a piece of 1 of those lyrics. I could take any part of that quote (CH what up) and have it fit with what I'm feeling right now. It's really not funny, but so much of what goes on in my head is like that. Give me a word I'll give you 2 sentences.

The other night it was "you don't have to do that, but your choice miss". Somehow I was ostracized for that.

"you don't have to do that, but it's your choice, you know where I stand I'm confused and half the time I have no clue what to do with me and you" type sh1t. But yeah, I could see how that's malicious.

It's quiet.

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It's possible

And if you say goodbye don't look for them in my eyes. You can cry, I'm tired I'd rather lay down and die.

*pens get enhanced when they listen to your man*

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I could air out

I've been unhappy at home, going outside could be therapeutic for me.


When your up after 22 hours of no sleep (that's 2 hours of down time for you smart people)at 2 am in the morning Therapy is probably necessary. I've been teetering on what exactly it is that's 'off', but I'm feeling more like coming to terms with whether or not 'help' is necessary is the real key to everything.


I've always been too... something...? To willingly divulge into what I'm feeling to anything without a vagina. Things are still that way now, I've just lost any Vaginal connections with those who could or would help in the past. Whatever, it would be more realistic to say I unceremoniously terminated those relationships.. But then that's not very realistic at all is it?

I missed a call from Kiki.

Enough said.

*half a bar*

Trying to figure out how to divide this time correctly.

Trying to figure out how to not lie to myself.

Trying to figure out what the hell happened to that dude I used to be.

Basically just a lot of thinking and a full circle for the blog entry.

Now that I've actually riddled the page with enough words to distract those who hate words and reading I can go in a little bit. Not to ruffle any feathers or even speak on anything that's bothering me right now, just flat out issues with things I've had in the past still going on today. Or something like that.

"When patience is combined with the ability to discriminate between the action and the one who does it, forgiveness arises naturally" the address is the same (just like my number, I've changed once since I've had a cell phone during the 'Brittany Era'). There's a good reason why the blog's address never changed and that was so it would lock into your minds. Excuse me, the minds of the ("you people") 'readers'. Keyword there at the end. so I never changed my blog address that way the READERS could easily remember where they had read all of this pointless information from in the 1st place. All that to say don't ASK ME about my blog. It and it's contents will or won't be updated at the SAME ADDRESS, which is to say go read muf*cka lol. Dead*ss though, that's just silly and annoying.

I'm scared for the next 1. Being in a relationship you figure out what you like and don't like. I'm kind of excited to apply these things to a new situation, but no where near excited enough to be in a new situation again so go figure.

Tree some food and keep it sexually interesting. I'll do the rest and that to me sounds like a pretty damn good deal. Before I can even see myself pondering romantic visions with other women a sit down and those few things would have to be gone over. This is what I want, this is what I need. Wait for the rebuttal and if it doesn't match up, it's an auto no.

TREE Etiquette: O F*ckin' boy. I don't know who some of these folks came up chiefin' with, but this sh1t is out of hand! Lol I know it's 2011 so n1ggas might really not be doin the whole puff puff pass deal out the gate. I get that, cool! That doesn't mean you take the blunt and just have at it for dumb long though come on people. When I 1st started smoking I burned with n1ggas that would flat out make you feel like an idiot if you was F'n up the etiquette. Lol I'm glad though because the sh1t really is universal. You gotta pay attention next time your sharing a blunt. Look around, if n1ggas aint PPP'n peep the amount of time (and hits) each person takes with the blunt. Keep in mind that if it is said person's blunt they will more than likely take (A LITTLE) longer and (1 OR 2 MORE) HALF HITS! That half is important yo. Know the rotation! Them things are usually passed to the left, but if not it's not difficult! Your going to be receiving and passing from and to the same person every time, just pay attention! Folks that can't roll, just don't roll. Lol that 1 may get to me the most. I can't roll very well, so whenever there are more able people around I delegate the duties. It's the LOGICAL thing to do! No1 likes a F'd up blunt, that mess is the worst.
Just realized how intelligent I sound. N1ggas and blunts! N1ggas and blunts!! lmao I'm probably going to have to devote an entire post to this it's long overdue, and some of ya'll... Ya'll need some damn help. I guess the only thing worse then actually messing up the etiquette is having a warped perception on your tree. We some Cali folks! That means we have the best tree on the planet, and therefore we smoke our tree like it's the best. We don't skimp! WTF big blunts guys. THIS IS NOT KANSAS! Shout out to my man Ivan btw. Philly!!! ha Dead*ss though if you are meeting up with others (remember all this is pretty subjective to the relationship you have with individuals. These guidelines when followed will make sure you are good regardless of who your with) remember to bring a good amount of tree! There's almost nothing worse then setting something up only to get there and find so and so only has half a blunt... That's actually just not cool lol (Calming down). Again ESPECIALLY if you are with others. It's assumed that every1 has enough for them, therefore when putting it all together you get MORE! No1 likes to use up more tree for others then they would hae on themselves only to have the act go unreturned. So dead*ss... Why am I going on and on about tree? I've gone on and on about everything else, and as my news classes taught me so well timeliness is everything. Whew...

I don't mean to sound like an *sshole, it's just I know enough to know what it is I will and won't tolerate now. Some of the things I hear from people DISGUST ME. I've been 1 of those people who I've been disgusted at admittedly, I saw this and decided change was the path I was going down. I just can't see myself continuing the same mistakes over and over until I'm too burnt out to do a thing about it, and that's exactly where I'm heading.

It only sounds rude when the same 'courtesies' aren't being extended, then your a bully or out of line. My thing is this, the relationships I have in my life now are ALL people I have put in multiple years with on the friend front... (weird) So when communication occurs I expect NO FLUFF! I expect NO BUFFER. Naturally I assume that due to our relationship things can be taken to a more 'animated' level and still remain cordial and respectful towards our individual wants and desires.

In a perfect world that would work Amazingly. Apparently that's a perfect world I don't live in, and believe me I've tried to 'manifest' myself into this dimension... No luck.

Words that need to define relationships for me at this point; mutuality, and urgency. If your unwilling to sacrifice together then your just wasting your time. Unless your with some1 who's going to remain completely stagnant and never evolve mentally your going to have to do things YOU DON'T WANT TO DO. My specialty I think. For me just making the other person happy is huge. HUGE! Ironic I've kind of gotten away from that, but recognizing is the 1st step to something...

Don't make the mistake of feeling like this only applies to those romantic relationships. If there's some1 you care about, then this applies.

So it's back to the basics with people. I don't want to waste my time, but I absolutely don't want to assume your a waste of time (you all). I've always struggled with letting go, I guess because to me it's the same as failure (which isn't true at all). However as time goes on and more options are explored you have to start at least giving glances to the things you haven't tried out. That's where I'm at.

Standing tongue kissing a pistol saying to myself, "I know if I pull this trigger I'm going to die (instantly more like), but if I don't I'm going to be raped until I feel like dying, or can't feel at all."

That's a tough position, well not if your NOT into pain. I'm reeling right now dead*ss, I hurt. Thanks to the beautiful people I've got around, I probably should let you all know your appreciated real soon. I'm looking for that light at the end of this b1tch and if I can find it sooner rather than later things may just be okay. Only I hardly believe it's even possible to find.


I started this entry like 'yea I'm bout to go in taking names kickin *ss sort of thing' Naaah I was about to for a minute, but this was started at like 2am and it's now almost 11am 2entries in. Whatever, I got a lot off my chest, and let the petty sh1t rest.

Today needs to be an awesome day. I really don't care how it gets there, I'm just living. I wrote this like this on purpose. "I want it to be hard to follow, because when I'm straightforward it's gonna be hard to swallow." Basically I get cryptic to keep feelings safe. In this case, these are honestly generalizations I've been thinking about for awhile... Still Awesomeness please...

I gotta shout Alex out she dead*ss be up on my sh1t. Like more than I do, and Alex that means a lot! Some1 help me with this notebook (colors) so I can get busy in a new way. For those wondering, the last year I've undergone some major fundamental changes in myself that consequentially have force me to change the way I write. I HAVE been writing a lot most of it doesn't make sense, and that doesn't matter because it was all practice. Basically I got a notebook full of my head if some1 wants it. Any1, we do mail things. I only ask that if some1 happens to be interested enough, that they take the time to give me some feedback. I just want to know what you think about what I think, or how I think.

I don't THINK too many would stick by me so yeah, you do get a lot of credit for doing so. Part of the reason your departure was such a disappointment Meron. What can you do though? Seriously what can you do?!

Pay attention people. I know a friend that spoke on fake love or rather fake concern. Don't tell me something to my face or over the phone *Because it sounds good!*. That will just result in whatever you told me coming back to bite you in the *ss, because I really mean what I say and I expect the same from everybody I associate with. Sh1t me and X got into it the other day over something similar. Say what you say, and mean what you say.

I've shattered the current tangent record on file, and with good reason. The day I'm no longer afraid to face what I'm feeling in an honest manner will be a messy 1. I can't help how I feel, I just know enough now to realize how I feel is a weapon against me. So it's quiet. Again.

RANDoM - 'repeat after me I, state your name' you know what that does to your brain!? lol

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Fresh Choice

*The only thing at stake is a pasta bowl, but I know...*

Don't know how I do it LOl!

Learning quite a bit in a very short period of time, all of which WILL serve me for the rest of my life involving the opposite sex. I'm physically, mentally, and emotionally drained so it's not taking much to sideline me indefinitely. Let alone flat out treat me unfairly, something I have to take full responsibility for.

I swear it gets amusing just noticing how much I'm noticed lately. It's cool and scary at the same time. Cool because the extra attention and scary because I've built up strong barriers to remove myself from danger. Guess that's when some1's mental fortitude comes into play right?

"Have u been blogging?" smh I've been BREATHING!

I want a new notebook... Need some ill color schemes cause I kinda want to go in if I may. We'll see...

Turning over a new leaf in so many ways today hence, the title of the entry. I'm excited for this opportunity because I'm depressed at the others I've squandered so far up to this point. Mistakes will be righted though, steps have already been taken to ensure that.

Honestly, I just want the strength to do what's right for me. I've come to realize people usually don't know what that is, and when they DO figure out what it is they are unwilling to make the changes necessary. Making hard decisions has never been my forte so to speak.

Hot summer?

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Or am I just... Senseless?