Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.

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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

How do you start...

Something so hard your heart could burst?

Today was tough ^ word to the Charles Hamilton quote. I've been dealing with a lot of bs and I was appalled at what was 'acceptable' in my convo with my n*ggas over twitter. Debate really, but it never even got there so let me just chill on that.

The convo has me tight though. close-mindedness is so wack I don't care how you look at it or try to 'ok' it. I mean I'm used to being so blatantly on the opposing side of things that it really shouldn't bother me by now. My homie's in town apparently! Leave it to me to be away from my email like all day... errrggghh that's due once again to the 'debates' I was having.

I'm trying not to be too anything right now because people can be ignorant, and there is no need to get ignorant with them in this case. I say that because I want to call people names throw stuffs, and generally make some1 else feel frustrated like me right now. I'm going to opt to take it to the gym instead. That may be worse though, it might be best to just stay off the courts today.

Heard from Geanna lightweight today. That chick either has her nose WIDE open or is lacking serious time... Either way if I get stuck to thinking about why we haven't talked it'll be counterproductive to this mood I'm trying to avoid going into... Maybe I am as socially awkward as I've always said and THAT's the reason I'm more or less alone contemplating these things..

I'm not going there. I just want to have a great great evening. If all goes well I don't see why that would't be possible. I'm doing some major major cleaning. How's this for honesty though, all I really want to do is sit here with this music and get lifted with it. I won't do that, but it'd be nice.

I may not speak another word today I'm feeling that frustrated with people.

Jean Grae and Charles Hamilton I road hard for you 2 today. All in the name of good music, f*ck what they talking about.



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I actually like going to places like this to chill downtown Sacramento knows me lol. We only getting more familiar. Imagine that.












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That list is coming! Especially after today. Smh

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Residual Self-Image









































































































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They trying to take me from these beautiful things but f*ck that it's not happening. I'm writing today all day, some might end up here most of it will end up in a special inbox (Margot you ready?). Feeling lonely amongst the crowd...
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Trapped In.

Mommy on my mind lol





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Not Mommy but a mommy nonetheless. Good morning!

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Saturday, June 26, 2010

Internet Woes

I do not like when my internet fails me. It's probably 1 of the single most frustrating things ever! Mainly because I have no idea how to fix the problem. Every download would clock out at 1% leaving me absolutely clueless. I DID get smarter than the average bear and hook it up directly to the router but now I'm stuck for the sake of my downloads.

Not very cool. I'm exhausted still I feel like I'm in for 1 major crash in the next day or 2. I WILL experience that crash in a comfortable bed. I've been sleeping on couches and floors for the last week and it's starting to get to me. Not that I really care about having to do that more so because I can't sleep in a bed if I wanted to right now. Availability issues..

Margot can I shout you out? Your commentary is hilarious as well as needed wait til' I get my phone back rocking its on!

I do wonder though... Where are a few of you at?? What are you doing? I'm not worried about the lack of communication cause well you know, I'm bumming it right now. Speaking of which, I'm trying to NOT bum it with the appearance (I should post a picture or something..) but it's been tough! To grow or not to grow?

Margot you would have a field day. Right now, I could care less I'm like a blank canvass to a painter if that makes any sense.. I'm switching it up real soon.

Wow my stomach is trying to kill me. Time to eat.


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"F*ck a Counselor...

B*tch I need guidance!"






Love or Fantasy? Oh The double meanings...



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Friday, June 25, 2010

Are you Paying Attention to This Guy?




This song is so ill. Dope video.. I wish he would release the song 'Higher' as a single though it has that summer vibe.. let's see...




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How do you not smile hearing that?? I was SPAZZING downtown listening to this singing the whole 9. I had my laptop in my hand started headbanging a little to hard and definitely smashed the laptop up lol. It was worth it *shrugs*.

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This is Hip Hop

Creativity can never die with people that aren't afraid to push the boundaries to what the limits may be. This little video right here was better than a lot of the videos I've seen all year they really killed it... I'm not gonna get into the rhyming cause dude had heart lol






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Can the music industry take notes??
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I Spy With My Naked i

This was my Jammy Jam last year..






and he keep hitting/ she keep slipping/ all in or all out best believe I'm giving/ all I have 60 seconds up this minute/money wasted time spending/ you looking me 2 best believe I'm with it but I.../ JUST CAN'T SIT STILLLLLL!!




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Remembering Michael Jackson

I wanted to do something for MJ today but didn't know what. I came across Phonte's myspace blog paying homage and addressing other issues involving the late great iconic King of Pop Music. After reading it I felt like I couldn't really put it in better words. So thank you Michael Jackson for what you've given me in the form of music. R.I.P.


Words by rapper/singer Phonte of Little Brother and Foreign Exchange.



Tuesday, June 30, 2009 
I haven't been compelled to blog in a long time.

In an era where everybody is twittering and text-messaging their lives away, a well-thought out essay that extends past 140 characters is quickly becoming a thing of the past.

But when our universe lost its brightest star on June 25, 2009, I felt a deep, overwhelming sadness that I haven't experienced in many years and I felt moved to say....something.

My hero, Michael Joseph Jackson, is dead.

Honestly I'm still trying to process it, almost like the loss of a much-loved family member. I mean, hell, to many of us Michael WAS family. Much like Nike, or Coca-Cola, or McDonalds, Michael Jackson wasn't so much a person as he was a living, breathing, American institution; a ubiquitous force that has seemingly existed forever and one that we couldn't imagine a world without. Seeing Michael onstage was less like watching a musician perform and more akin to witnessing a magician at work.

But contrary to his otherworldly stage presence and magical aura, the man we called The King of Pop proved to be a mere mortal. And now my hero, Michael Joseph Jackson, is dead.

What isn't dead, unfortunately, is the cloud of false accusations, unsubstantiated rumors, myths, slander, and outright lies that surround his life and his legacy. The greatest myth regarding Michael Jackson is that he was a pedophile who preyed on young children.

It is my belief now, just as it was 16 years ago, that the charges brought against Michael during his 1993 sexual abuse case were false. The allegations made by Jordan Chandler (the accuser) and his father Evan Chandler always seemed suspect to me for a few reasons:

1. Ask the average parent whether they'd want justice or money for their abused child and more than likely they'd say justice, if for no other reason than to protect their child (and other children) from a future attack. The fact that Evan Chandler was willing to essentially let Michael off the hook for a few million (reportedly 2-3), made their case seem like a well-orchestrated extortion attempt. In regards to the case, Evan was later caught on tape saying, "If I go through with this, I win big time. There's no way I lose. I will get everything I want and they will be destroyed forever...Michael's career will be over." Notice that homeboy ain't mention jack shit about his son. So much for being a concerned father...

2. Generally when victims of abuse come out with allegations against someone, other victims come forward to corroborate their story (i.e. the Catholic Church scandal, where a few parties came forward and it later led to thousands).

Very rarely do child molesters stop at just one kid, or even two for that matter. An alleged pedophile with only two accusers is kinda like an alleged serial killer with only one body. Or an alleged sneaker addict with only two pairs of Jordans in his closet. It just doesn't make any logical sense, nor does it coincide with the recurring psychological characteristics of most people who fall into those categories.

In the case of Michael Jackson vs. the Chandler family, not a single corroborating witness could be found to help prosecute the case and after raids were conducted on several of Jackson's homes, no hard evidence of sexual abuse was gathered.

Michael later settled the Chandler case out of court, not as an admission of guilt, but at the behest of his lawyers and financial advisors who warned him that a criminal trial could cost him millions of dollars in legal fees, as well as the loss of hundreds of millions in touring and endorsement revenue. With the Chandler case finally over, Michael continued to tour and released his greatest hits package “HIStory” in 1995. Ten years later though, he would face another trial that, in my opinion, would be the one to literally and figuratively, kill him.

Martin Bashir’s heinous, Machiavellian documentary “Living With Michael Jackson” aired in 2003. It was in this documentary that Mike (albeit foolishly) talked about his fondness for sharing his bed with children, and was seen holding hands with a young boy. Shortly afterwards the young boy from the documentary, 13 year-old Gavin Arvizo (a cancer survivor who had all his medical bills paid for by Michael), accused him of sexual abuse.

When Mike’s case against Arvizo hit airwaves in 2005, I must admit that I had my doubts. Much like the Chris Rock joke, I too shook my head in disbelief and said “ANOTHER kid!?! Mike, what the fuck?!! How could you be THAT stupid?!?!” As the case unraveled though, the financial motivations of the accuser’s family became much more apparent.

Similar to the Chandler case from ‘93, the prosecution couldn’t produce any credible witnesses to corroborate Arvizo’s testimony against Michael. Many of the prosecution’s witnesses were either former employees of Michael who had financial disputes with him, or had criminal convictions themselves. Arvizo’s testimony contradicted previous statements he’d made to officials saying that nothing ever took place between him and Michael, and Arvizo’s mother Janet Arvizo, an eccentric woman with a prior conviction for welfare fraud, single-handedly killed the case with her flippant remarks on the witness stand and overall bizarre courtroom behavior.

Actor Macaulay Culkin came forward in Michael’s defense and testified that no inappropriate behavior ever took place during their many times together, as did many other associates who had spent time at Neverland. Ultimately, Michael emerged from the Arvizo case with a Not Guilty verdict on all counts, but it proved to be a pyrrhic victory. The damage was already done. In the court of popular opinion, The King of Pop was an unrepentant child molestor.

When defending Michael Jackson against his detractors, I am often asked if I would let one of my sons sleep over at his house. The answer is no. Shit, I wouldn't let my sons sleep over at YOUR house. But that doesn't make you a pedophile, it just makes me a concerned and protective dad who doesn’t leave his kids around people I personally don’t know well enough to trust.

When it came to children, the only thing Michael was guilty of in my opinion, was naivete. While cuddling in the bed with children isn't technically illegal, it does violate several social norms; norms that a man who dresses funny, lives at an amusement park and refers to himself as “Peter Pan” would certainly pay a higher price for breaking. When I hear the tales of Michael laying in bed with those children, watching movies, tickling, and engaging in general horseplay, it sounds less like the work of a pedophile and more like the actions of a man trying to experience a childhood he never had.

During his investigation for the Arvizo trial, Michael was examined by Dr. Stan Katz, a clinical psychologist who concluded that Michael didn’t fit the profile of a pedophile but instead that of a regressed 10 year old, an analysis which I agree with wholeheartedly. I mean after all, only a person with the simple, unsuspecting mind of a child could truly believe they could sleep in the same bed as their pre-pubescent buddies and not pay a price for it.

Still, the most saddening myth surrounding Michael’s life is that he was ashamed to be Black. During the mid 80’s, in the midst of his ever-changing skin complexion and facial features, popular opinion in the Black community was that Mike was a sellout. This was an opinion that would unfortunately haunt him for the rest of his life, but a closer look reveals quite the opposite.

As echoed by my man Scorpeze of the house music duo Windimoto in his excellent blog, Michael Jackson never tried to disown or separate himself from his Blackness at any point in his career. In fact, he was probably the most openly pro-Black pop entertainer of his time. Michael Jackson ashamed to be Black? I mean, this was the same guy who:

-portrayed Black people as kings and queens in ancient Egypt ("Remember the Time" video)
-called Tommy Mottola (his then label boss) a devil and a racist
-sang "white man's gotta make a change" live on the Grammies in '88
-sang about a beautiful African woman in "Liberian Girl"
-featured an African chant at the end of "Wanna Be Startin Somethin"
-donated over $25 million to the United Negro College Fund
-sang "I ain't scared of no sheets" in "Black or White" and upped the ante by morphing into a BLACK PANTHER at the video's end
-wrote a song called "They Don't Really Care About Us," with a Spike Lee-directed video that featured prisoners raising the Black power fist
-uhhh “We Are The World” and USA for Africa, anyone?

What about this man wasn’t Black enough? Was it his battle with vitiligo and how it caused skin discoloration? Was it his excessive facial surgeries, due I’m sure in no small part to the teasing and ridicule he faced about his looks as a teenager?

Why did we turn our collective backs on a man who always reminded us that he never forgot who he was, or more importantly, whose he was?

This essay is my plea to all people who consider themselves a fan of Michael Jackson, but especially to Black people: Don't let them talk about our Brother. Don’t let his naysayers convict him of crimes that were never proven. Don't let people reduce the memory of one of our greatest heroes to that of a weird guy who wore a shiny glove and molested little boys.

When Elvis Presley died, did the media remember him as an overweight, drug-abusing racist who dated a 14 year-old, or was he eulogized as The King of Rock and Roll?

When Woody Allen dies, do you think the media will focus on the controversy behind him marrying his own stepdaughter, or on the films "Annie Hall" and "Manhattan" and how great they were? (Ditto for Jerry Lee Lewis, the rock and roll pioneer who married his 13-year old cousin.)

When people accuse Michael of being a pedophile or a child molester, ask them to provide hard evidence. Ask them to provide an opinion rooted in fact, rather than one based on gossip, hearsay, and conjecture. Chances are, they won't be able to. The Black community has done a great disservice in not reciprocating the love that Michael Jackson showed us when he was alive. The least we can do in honoring his death is ensure that his legacy is remembered properly for future generations.

Was Michael Jackson a weirdo? Of course he was a weirdo.

But maybe if you had been in the public eye since you were 7, had grown ass women throwing themselves at you since you were 13, suffered physical abuse at the hands of your father, watched your father and older brothers engage in sex with groupies on tour as a child, were called "Big Nose" and "ugly" by both family members AND fans, developed a skin disease that took away the one thing you repeatedly expressed your pride for, and spent the last half of your life as the most famous person on Earth, you'd probably be a bit of a weirdo too.

I am not attempting to paint Michael Jackson as a saint, as no man ever lives up to such a lofty title. But to me, the phrase “no good deed goes unpunished” seems to sum up Michael Jackson’s life more than ever.

Why would people try to tear down a man who constantly used his power, money, and influence to help others?

Why would people express such disgust and contempt for a man who constantly sang of love and peace, and used his talent to entertain, uplift, and inspire millions?

Tell em that its human nature, I suppose...

Rest in Peace, Brother Michael. I love and miss you dearly.


Phonte


Edit: It's cut off on this blog if your interested go here. blogs.myspace.com/phontigallo


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Outkast for Outcasts being Outcast

OFOBO. I'm trying to really appreciate this musical tandem today. My plan is to listen starting with their first album all the way through to the present. Probably won't get too far into it, but that just means I'll have to make it an Outkast weekend. Nothing wrong with that.

Getting ready to head back downtown for employment and living possibilities. Fun stuff. I love being down there, I just wish I could take Marley with me. Especially today since I'm looking to make a day of it. She needs to recover though...

Outkast. That's what it is today. I started my review for Drake's Thank Me Later and stopped shortly after that lol. I'll get it done just need to find me some free time with some headphones. Not too much to say I'll be checking in though..


*Aquemini is O to the D!*


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Next 48 Hours Installment

I know I posted part 1 of this before but time passed and part 2 evaded me. *shakes fist* I found them yesterday during my blog binge but didn't have the time to post them on here. I think it's important that music with a message is not pushed to the background before people have a chance to digest it. That, and its f*cking Nas ya'll already know! Lol shout out to Damian Marley too. These 2 really put their heart and soul into this album, and this series does a good job of capturing the overall vibe behind the record showcasing what it meant to them as artists, their fan's, and the hip hop/reggae culture.












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Thursday, June 24, 2010

SMH

Hello irritation.





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Produce snippets


Making of...Almost Famous from The Hastings Set on Vimeo.


This is 1 of my favorite songs off Eminem's Recovery. Go cop the best rapper alive's cd now.


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Comes back around

I always manage to find something Nas related after giving my attention to other artists. Not like I go out hunting it's just a little coincidence I've started noticing. 

*shrugs*

This is yet another interview with Nas and Damian Marley who's Distant Relatives album is out in stores now. It SEEMS like it's been forever since the album came out, which is ridiculous. 

For me it's important to try and go against this trend of music being so disposable in this digital age. Probably not going to work out though. What can you do? Adapt, or move on. Enjoy.



edit: I forgot part 2..




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Far From Over??



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I'll recap after each segment. The jury is still out on whether or not Thank Me Later is my sh*t. There's just something about it I can't quite place. Listening to So Far Gone and then transitioning into Thank Me Later it's clear that the sound of it all is very intentionally. He spoke briefly about it... It's just so manufactured it's hard for me to get past that. I never want to feel like I'm being fed by the machine when listening to music. I'll say this though, he's right about his sh*t being real. I've defended him for his honesty and skill with his lyrics. Now lets work on that flow... Who remembers Kanye's immature college dropout delivery?? ME do!




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I like having insight to artists because it's always a surprise as to what you will get. Take Jay-Z, I'm not going to get Shawn Carter when he's interviewed. I know that, and people should generally hold that as common knowledge. I get the feeling Drake is much more willing to let Aubrey Graham out. That's refreshing. If the sincerity in your music is shown outside of that medium it's always a good thing.

"and he still got his foot out, guilt trippin" I think that's kind of crazy to have his pops around like that and be so honest regarding their relationship. He's getting more points for that.




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All in all the verdict has still yet to be determined. I'm a Drake fan, there's no mulling around that. There are things I'd like to see happen for him as an artist but time will tell. I do respect how he strives to push his limits. It's 1 of the reasons I will hardly knock him for his rhyming content. He does what a 23 year old is expected to do. f*ck it I'm reviewing Thank Me Later officially today/tonight/tomorrow/sometime soon.


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No Need to Complain

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Not sure how that title fits this entry at all but it's all good I suppose.





This was interesante if I may say so myself. I don't know, I feel like if these 2 actually engaged in a classic hip hop battle of sorts it would definitely boost attention to the female emcees.

My only thing is this, these 2 are very 'pop' oriented artists and I feel like all of that should be left out of this. This should be about who can rock the mic the best. F*ck everything else. Nicki Minaj is an exciting new talent to some, and Lil Kim was that chick to most at 1 point. I feel like in hip hop anything should go if it's in the spirit of hip hop.

I agree with Jadakiss though in that Lil Kim should stop talking about it and be about it. He didn't say it that way, but he's right. The kids run this sh*t and the kids want to hear some damn music. What do ya'll think??



hip hop ftw??


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Same song and Dance

Today will be more of the same for me, exhaustion on top of what needs to be done and below it. an E-sandwich of sorts. I wish I could have Marley with me (as she throws up at the foot of where I'm sitting...). I'm not even jaded by that disgusting act she's in pain and so am I but the day must go on.

You have to excuse me I'm in a bit of a haze. Had a long gut wrenching conversation last night. I'm not at all upset with how it all went down, I just wish there was a way to impress my views and beliefs onto the other conversationalist. I couldn't and haven't figured it out, well... I thought I did but my ideals were hastily discarded leaving me here.

Maybe I'll get into later I don't know.. I must be getting ready to leave once again I'll be checking back in soon. 








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What A Night

Wowoworrrrrd wowowowowowowowooorrrrrrrrdddddd!!!!  Indicative of how I’m feeling right now. This night is going to be fun I’m excited to get out of my head and into others’. I’m chill I’m exhausted as sh*t but I got my little nap in.  Ehhh it was more like me desperately trying to keep my eyes open to respond to various emails and job apps. Definitely didn’t work, and my efforts were very futile.
Extremely so. The thing that got me about it was I felt 10x’s more sluggish when I finally snapped out of it an hour and a half later. I’m afraid my eyes are going to seal shut tonight lol. I’m yawning like crazy and they burn!  These are not details any of you really need to know, but then again what are details any of you REALLY need to know?
This weekend I am going to cross over. My pops is taking my mom’s to New York, and though I am hugely disappointed that I don’t get to accompany them on the trip, I’m looking forward to watching that house for them lol. Guess it’s a tossup??
                                                                                     
*shrugs*
I had a crazy little realization with Marley being all ‘high and sedated’ today. I HAVE to do better for those around me. Not on some take care of them sh*t but I have to be nurturing with my words and my time. There’s so much craziness that goes on in the world, and no minute is promised. F*ck a day. F*ck a tomorrow too. I started getting so excited for them until I couldn’t anymore.
Just taking it minute by minute. I’ve dead*ss switched moods in less time so I’m good with that prognosis to my diagnosis.
What does Marley have to do with any of that? That’s my f*cking ya’ll know. I guess it was around 3 weeks ago carrying her bloody body pressed against mine back to my car. My thoughts were going everywhere they didn’t need to at the moment. I thought my dog was going to die. Or rather, I feared she could be hurt bad enough to die.
That’s the 2nd time I’ve legitimately felt that way, but this time was different. The 1st time she was choking to death right in front of me due to her chain collar we got for her. I still don’t know how we untangled that thing in time for her to make it, and that was Traumatizing beyond belief. You should see me walk her now.. digressing.
Carrying her like that though (when she was bloody from her car accident) really had me feeling like I was carrying my child or something. That’s what she means to me, and I’d do anything for her diggy?
*Bring it all back*
So my epiphany was this: I’m going to be 1 great Daddy. I’ve had to be around all my dudes with their seeds and just kind of envy what they have quietly. I’m not talking about the glitz of having a child either. I understand it’s a full-time job. It’s the only job I’ve ever ACTUALLY planned out and stayed up late at night thinking about.  I’m ready. Like now, right now. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on who you’re talking to I know I’m not in a position to make that happen. I mean there’s no doubt in my mind the day it’s planted I’ll undergo a superhero origins story of sorts and transform in mind and spirit over night.
That’s the way I planned it anyway. Unrealistic yes, so I chill. Still ready, waiting for the day the dollar signs add up with 1 of my true desires.
The cause that’s dead*ss bigger than me, is the 1 my soul longs to keep.  



Of course irritation had to set in before I finished what was otherwise a tension free entry. This is good though, it must be some sort of test. I see you big fella’, and I raise you… Jeanius. Yeah I’m betting with music, can’t afford to do it the real way.
Here it comes, more stupid sh*t from people that want you to do them. Why can’t I just do me?? A question I ask myself frequently only to get answer I don’t really respect all that much. Woooooow did I just get told the car was going to do because I was sitting with the passenger seat open? Is that even possible? The keys weren’t in the vehicle… That don’t even sound right yo.
Anyway my 2nd epiphany was that I need to treat people better publicly. I’m an emotional dude. People close to me should know this, that’s how I feel anyway since I do know their little perks and quirks. That makes sense right? I assume those I’ve let in understand this.
Why don’t you understand this?  This has truly become a little exhausting in itself lol.






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Wednesday, June 23, 2010

What A Day!

The day trecks on. I’m exhausted, no doubt about that. I’ve been exhausted since 10:30 PM last night though. I’m still trying to figure out how I got through the night like I did. Well I know how, but I wont say as it wasn’t the only thing serving as my caffeine intake.


Man I’m tired… Where will I sleep??

Downtown is lovely, so I love it. I feel like bad moods wouldn’t linger for long here. Just too must nature and people movement. Too much to focus on.

Coke… The poisonous cycle continues. Speaking of cycles. That laundry I spoke about is still waiting to be laundered. Only I can’t see it happening anytime soon. In fact, I estimate that said laundry will take ATLEAST 3 hours.

I will not be defeated by fatigue, or want for ‘other’ things. I need to stay focused, but there’s so much keeping me out of focus at the moment………………………..

*found it*

Only took me more than half the day, but I found my focus. I’m not giving myself enough credit. I’ve been dragging through every activity I’ve faced today. Just about done, but is done ever really done? No. It isn’t.

My baby is sleeping off her surgery at the hospital and I’m supposed to be leaving to acquire her soon. Stay strong Marley! That’s my muf*ckin B*tch to the end right there!!

Jean Grae is 1 funny emcee. Charles introduced me to the ‘your favorite emcee’s are actually real people… sometimes’ club and she has upped it a bit I’d say. Just extremely funny. I guess that’s why I’ve decided to be exhausted only in physical form….



*ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?*

Random (sorry for that), Entourage new season this Sunday. Entourage. Boondocks. 1 big thing of ‘something’ swear to the skies. It’s going to be a great weekend.

Ok back to this… Exhaustion. Yes, I’m sleeping in it. I wish… Mentally I’m good. I’m happy, I’m good being happy. Just have to get through a few more things. I don’t know what’s going on tonight but I’m going to go for a massage (hehehehehehe) and a nap.

Oh yeah, it’s hot. F*ck this heat.

Just a tidbit of info I thought was VERY interesting. Eminem has once again outsold ALL of his peers' first week sales. INCLUDING DRIZZY DRAKE. I believe the numbers were roughly around 550,000. Roughly anyway.


It's just welcome change when 1of the top people doing it in hip hop has the SKILLS to back up whatever sh*t he may decide to talk, and the numbers as well. I love it!

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In the future?? Hmmmmmm





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Frown Upward




This sh*t right here!? Lol chill... This brings a calm over me though. Not being able to communicate with the wrong people has pushed me into a corner of isolation. I'm not sure whether it's 'cool' or not, but I know I haven't been ME as of late.

So many things that I believe make me the person I am today have started to lose their hold on me. Depressing, but I will adapt with time like leaves do to winds in order to coincide peacefully with myself.  I know when 'the jig is up', and I know I'll handle that moment with myself. No worries at the moment I'll be ok.

No  worries!







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As my Sun says 'hello'




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I couldn't think of a more obnoxious way tosay it. I'm the life of my party over here too Diddy. Smh... Well time to put those great ambitions and goals on that high up mantle piece. Or should I be trying to get the ambitions and goals down??

Regardless it's the real morning. Things must get done. Things must be avoided.

Special attention to that last sentence. And THAT last sentence wasn't even complete. THAT last sentence was a fracture...

I could go on and on with that... I'll pass. The video was obnxious enough.


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Was I wrong??




I questioned T.I.'s relevance upon his return and Rick Ross' rise. I don't know if it was justified or not. To hear me tell it, Tip's buzz isn't where it used to be. That doesn't mean I'm not waiting to hear new music from him. I think T.I.'s 1 of the dopest (heh) doing it right now. Really interested to see where he takes this album.





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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

3:24am while I'm waiting







2 completely different vibes. All ME though. Don't miss the plane. Don't get caught wanting 'the old me' either. I find that people tend to want to challenge things they don't understand. Don't do that with this.

Any1 notice the grittiness vs. the cleanliness??


Times sure are changing.



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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Midnight Hours When I Brood

I don't know what to think. I was ready. All in. Now it's back to being a toss up of sorts.

Lately, I haven't had much energy for anything. Like I'm sitting here typing this paying attention to how difficult the task of inhaling and exhaling has become for me. My body just feels tired. My mind feels cloudy.

My soul feels damaged. Things that put calm to me in the past no longer have the same effects. For the first time in a long while I feel lonely WITHOUT the company of other individuals. Which is to say the constant company of individuals hasn't deterred my mindstate from feeling lonely.

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The reason I don't really mind feeling lonely while being alone. There's a part of me that feels like this is somewhat of a 'warm up' (shout out to J.Cole) round for what's to come. I can only hope that isn't the case, but like all things time will tell.

Time has all the answers and I'm terrified to commit to it sans hip hop purposes.

Can you imagine how LeBron must feel? I don't know, having all of tha responsiblity placed on your shoulders is a big deal. I don't really think about it how every1 else seems to be. To me, it's more of a question of whether or not LeBron feels guilty (which would be natural) at the thought of leaving.

To be fair it's not like Cleveland had much before LeBron either. I guess I'm trying to point out the decisions to depart from the people that helped elevate you to a point where departing was even possible.

^
^
How to deal with that I wonder... I've been paying for all this hope with frustration, getting disillusion back in change. I'm just sick of it all.

My stomach is going nuts right now, so it's the perfect time to realize I've eaten what sums up to be basically nothing all day (night and midnight hours). My body is spazzing on me. I feel sick, then fine, then hungry. Repeat that cycle with less hunger and add in sleepy. I feel like I'm always sleepy...

Space bag... I could use that.

I have no idea where to store all of these things. Go figure.

It used to feel energized by these late/early nights/mornings but now I remain up counting hours until the sun comes back out. Either that or pass out to awaken when the sun is coming out. There's no more excitement just a sort of acceptance to it all.

I don't know. My head is hurting. All I can think about is what I would take with me in the event I find myself in a less than ideal situation. Minimizing what I've become known for by those close to me. Which would be sure to bring passengers of my car a sigh of relief.

Tomorrow I clean out the car. Tomorrow I wash remaining clothes. Tomorrow I pack. Not much, enough to fill 2 backpacks. Then I live.

 Marley's condition is still to be determined so she may have to chill for awhile before joining me, but if ever I need a shoulder to lean on I know her head will do.

*she sleeps so peacefully*


Fushigiball.. I want that.

Feeling sick again... This time with no phone has done something to me.  numbers will no longer be stored if I ever decide if I'm fortunate enough to get another 1, there's really little to no point anymore. I just need my Grandparents in there and I'm good.

I feel like tv takes a huge hit 3-6am. I may be victim of not watching very much, but the options I'm seeing are not very appealing. What I'm reading however is. Less tv more words for me. If I'm not passed out in the next 20 minutes, I'm sure I'll be in the same spot making my keyboard feel wanted.



UNO


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Sunday, June 20, 2010

P.S.

I win.


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Desensatized

People have a knack for pissing me off when I don't really have a means to nip it in the bud with a smart*ss strategically planned social network jab. It's ok as long as I can speak my peace. Even if the rest of the world doesn't get to see me make accurate rebuttals. I just can't STAND when some1 says I don't mean something I said I dead*ss meant.

I'm growing weary of those who are quick to put a situation out there, and just as quick to retreat. It's simple really, if you f*ck with me my genuine nature shouldn't be something that comes as much of a surprise. I'm me, I don't try to be something I'm not, and if I did I wouldn't be very good at it at all.

Phoniness is a deterrent I've long strived to push out of my life. I guess all this rambling on and on does very little to help the current situation/nonsituation. What I mean by all of that ^ is don't get caught in my life being phony.

Just don't. Dead*ss though why??

Is it fun to live behind insecurities? Hell no.  So who the f*ck is the genius who said let's allow people to befriend 1 another, just so long as they are dishonest and insecure about the truth's they may encounter. I'M HUMAN! I FEEL THINGS! WHAT'S MORE, I KNOW YOUR HUMAN TOO! SO GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS!?

I know you feel things too..

I try to carry myself as if it WERE me feeling whatever it is you feel. Not because I like doing it, but because I like caring about people I think/feel care about me. I like being able to return that happy feeling some1 gives me with just a look.

People poke fun at my behavior all the time, and that's cool. Just so long as I know when any of those people needed me, I didn't relegate them to the back. I showed the same love, respect, and curiosity throughout. In a a nutshell, I was ME.

I want to thank my father BD for being so damn stubborn. I cried for my man's Dale and Sean today. I love their babies more than they'll know, and I can't WAIT for the day yo... Let me leave it alone.

*Happy Father's Day*




Gone!

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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Can U Show Me?





This Drake song is my absolute favorite!! I'm really digging it u right now. listening to it on repeat, I just can really relate to the message at the moment. Or at least what I feel t message is supposed to be. It's exactly how I've tried to live my life out.

I'm here now, might as well have fun. So show me a muf*cking good time. I know how to have them and I'm confident I can elevate any situation open minds are present. People, all I want is some vice versa love.

"Then why are you always so quiet and mopey all the time??"

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Knowing how to have a good time and actually enjoying the times your in are 2 completely different things. I know I can throw my happy hat on if need be. I also know how fake that is in my heart. I hate being fake. I'd rather lose it all then have to sit with my mouth zipped.

Dead*ss My life is evidence. I'm trying to figure out who took notice. If you never reached out to me before I'm not 1 to boast about the ESP I don't have lol. Meaning I really can't read minds as much as I try to. Furthermore, I don't really do for others when others remain oblivious to the entire cause.

Little things make the big things go.


Gone!

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Friday, June 18, 2010

(old) N Kicked

I want to feel comfortable in front of the mirror again. That’s the number 1 goal at this point, an today I think I’m going to make some moves that’ll make that happen. I’m tired of not being taken seriously, so I’ll show them all.


It’s the passion that burns me up inside when thinking about the game I love. The distractions in my life keep taking me away from that. Potential is being squandered and while I have the guidelines in place to really elevate myself to another level, it all comes down to my will.

It has to be strong because no1 believes like I do.

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Whether that’s true or not is irrelevant because it’s true to me. While doing my best not to be consumed with the dynamic emotional responses this brings, I have to be mindful to become stern in my ways. The cool sh*t has to cease being that, and I have to pave a new path for my mind, body and soul.

People either laugh, or scoff sarcastically when they HEAR me say this, so I’m expecting no less for those actually reading. At this point, it really IS whatever though. Dead*ss I’m exhausted, confused, and unsure about how much more I can literally handle.

I’m even unsure about what’s being worth enough to try to handle, and that’s scary to be so unsure all the time at this point in my life. I’m sure I’m not the only 1 facing these kind of trials and tribulations, but I’m the only 1 I know speaking up.

Typing up…

If I could describe it to some1 I’d have to say every minute feels like a constant struggle with myself to figure out if I’m supposed to be mad or sad. Coin toss sh*t. Then it’s whether I should still smile, let it go, talk to some1, or deal with it on my own.

The thing about a lot of those options is this; I never felt like the majority of those choices were really choices. More like necessary things to do to keep yourself sane and out of question. I don’t resemble some1 who feels this way. Maybe to those who actually sit down and observe me, I just feel for the most part I’ve gotten too good at hiding it.

I don’t know, the only times I’m really not fighting to combat this are when music is filling my ears, or fantasy magic gives a target to my eyes (anime people). Funny how THOSE things end up getting manipulated by my thoughts too. Too many correlations I find to be parallels, while others just find me to be ‘something I’m not’.

Knowingly though, like I suppress myself into these fantasy driven landscapes as an escape to my own life. I’d agree if like I said, the comparison’s made and drawn to weren’t so… ‘fitting’. I’ve never had a problem telling it like it is.

My downfall is not telling it well enough to reciprocate the same passion out of the next person. Maybe even worrying about the next person at all. See, I want to connect with people, not live with my thoughts. It DOES get frustrating knowing there are some things that you are just going to have to deal with on your own.

Reason being, people can empathize, but very few can put themselves in another’s shoes. I feel like it really is my gift and curse for lack of a better phrase. I have to learn how to be comfortable dealing with the ‘undealable’ 1st… Why is all of the introspective stuff being written at the gym?? Lol ridiculous.

No more dark thoughts for a little while, I’m booking it to my happy place. Marley I MISS YOU!!! Hold me down baby!



*Afton*



Gone!




_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) Down

“tougher than the flesh, can’t nobody fuck with him. Not even the government! The best…” Charles Hamilton


I’ve been overthinking like CRAZY! Like sh*t that doesn’t deserve my (thought) process is getting the business. Definitely something to deal with, I just wish more people were available for me to bother. Talking to people that don’t really want to be bothered isn’t fun. I know because people do it to me all the time lol

I was definitely disregarding this little bit of info today though. With these new potential job opportunities I won’t really have a choice in order to be successful. Which is fine, comfort is something I’m trying to move away from.

I don’t want to be the bugaboy though, and I always seem to end up feeling that way. I saw my ladies today so that was cool. Char and Megherz were in the back getting it IN with their trainer. Lol I wasn’t joking either M to G’erz, your jump roping form is better than mines lol

I had Marley with me again, we are quite the team I must say. I know I found us a new spot where she can run around until she can’t take anymore. I’m excited about it cause it’s a wifi hotspot of sorts. Which meeeeeeaaaaaannnnnnsssss I can take all of you with me too!

I’ve been writing so much lately, well I guess since I said (on here) that I couldn’t really write anything as of late. That post had something I wrote in it, and it’s been coming or I’ve been forcing it. A little of both I’m sure, but I don’t care what the reasons, I’m just happy to be 1 with the page again… Sort of..

I’m happy to let go with my emotions. I wish there was some1 other than me to sit down and go through it with though. I’m actually very accustomed to it. Something tells me what I’m dealing with is going to make it very difficult to open up for any1 else anytime soon.

I want to open up to every1 I meet. Not the pointless random conversations I have with some of you. Although I DO enjoy those, but I want to be able to lean my head on a shoulder and cry if need be. Like now, I feel like my head should be buried in some1’s heartbeat.

I bet you all will still be greeted with a smile though. That’s frustrating… I feel like when I’m not that person something is wrong. Well something IS wrong, yet no1 shares my 6th sense for these matters. It has to be that, or they just don’t care.

I’m gearing up for the ‘vulnerable summer’, like I see the bottom approaching and I’m trying to save my face from getting anymore scarred up. Truthfully I’m just scared to leave scarred up, I have too many. What’s the problem with that? Little things becoming more problematic sticking to me like lent on static.

Look at me acting like I can tell the future.. Naah, but I read well. Literally, figuratively, most definitely emotionally.

Geanna do more. Please.

Indefinable, I know but I’m ready now.. Internet is no good now. Seems to be on some real vindictive sh*t as of late. Why me though??

I miss you all. I want you ALL to meet me again.



Gone!


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) Thin Lines

I guess a lot of truth IS said in jest. I hate that. Be about your f*cking mouth around me or be about being anywhere around me.

People got me going off the f*cking deep end right now, and now I’m going back to what eases me. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m emptied. I feel like I’m being controlled and all I can do is watch not knowing whether to enjoy it, be furious, or saddened.

I hate this feeling. I hate these feelings. I hate isolated in a room full of people. Which is why I hate these feelings the most.

Here’s a question I’ve been thinking of… Maybe I should to some depicting first… Ok your walking and there’s nothing but blackness around you. There’s no scary wind or anything like that chill, (lol) there is mist flowing like a river. It serves as your only real guide, so you follow it. Step by step, until you reach the end where you are greeted with a ‘mistfall’ into a pit of darkness. Staring down into nothing.



Now if some1 you know and love asked you to step off the edge, would u?

Gone…


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) irritation

I'm more irriitated right now then I've been all day. Good thing I had a good day right? Me n Marley were chillin tough today lol not really but she went EVERYWHERE with me, which was kind of cool. Took me back to my Kansas days, the big difference was she couldn't actually come IN many of the places I went to.


In Kansas no1 bats an eye when you bring a dog around. It doesn't matter how big or what it is either, which was cool. Anyway back to my irritation. I don't think I have friends that reciprocate well. I don’t want that to sound like a knock on them either, I just feel like I would do far more for them than a vice versa situation would allow.

I could just be overthinking once again though… This is 1 of those situations I really hope I’m the 1 that’s tripping out. You all should tell some1 what they mean to you, and stop taking people for granted. If I were a stronger individual my absence would be something imitating tattoos. Painful, permanent, and speak volumes to those who care.

I’ve had the same d*mn headache for 2 days running now. I’m thinking it has something to do with my mouth. Some tooth way in the back to be more exact, and its killing me slowly. The worst part is that my allergies seem to heighten the pain and discomfort.

Yo dead*ss people are so backwards. Example: Today I’m walking into 24 (hour fitness), and I was greeted with 3 of the most awkward stares ever. I was so confused, I thought I had missed something but it wasn’t me, or it was… See to hear THEM tell it (Cassie what up! ;-) ) I was too excited/happy, and THAT was weird.



*sighs*



I mean, Char WAS there lol. That reminds me too, I want to get into the mind of a girl that doesn’t want to be with her dude anymore. NOT TRYING TO GET AT THE GIRL. See I know what it’s like to feel stuck WITH some1, but that’s my own very male based opinion.

I’ve heard of girls staying with some1 they don’t want to be with anymore sure, but I haven’t heard why. The ‘why’s’ are the most important part! To me anyway.. I need to find all the ‘why’s’ I can.



*This song playing now..*(convincedindecision)



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Is the most comical representation of honesty on drugs. Smh but dead*ss.

There’s not enough ping pong going on, and that’s going to lead to obsessive compulsive behavior. Trying to give the heads up before it’s too late and my blog pays the price.

Realizing you’re not strong enough to deal with some things can be scary, but to me the realization that I’m not happy is depressing. Go figure. My face is killing me… AKA my head. I know how that sounds but it IS my face AND my head. This tooth is going to off me.



I’m REALLY lonely right now lol Marley hold me down!



Gone!






_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

To the Ladies

You don't have to look like a model to be beautiful. You don't even have to come close to looking like that.. So stop trying and do U.

Feeling extra guilty looking at a list for the '50 Hottest Brazilian Women'. No1 is doing anything wrong, except programming what is and isn't acceptable. So subliminal she can be..

I like em with no makeup who's brave enough for that?





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*More came to me and this post needed editing anyway*
I was thinking about those who ask me about their physical appearance which is absolutely fine if I'm not expected to lie. There's no fun in that come on take it like a woman! lol k that's it.


Gone!
_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Order

Sometimes you have to look in the mirror and accept reality. I'm trying to find this person BD speaks so passionately about. The "nice" person. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, he described him to me. As a matter of fact he frequently asks me what happened to him, as dead*ss as sh*t yo.




I have the answers too. 'The thing is, answering truthfully requires an honest look at myself. I've found myself staring into mirrors a lot. Not on some conceited type ish, but dead*ss seeing the age on my face. The years, the scars that have taken place. I'm NOT the same person anymore.



As different as my face is now to say 2 years ago is probably minimal compared to my soul. That's where the problem lies. I'm speaking on it so freely because I'm trying to understand the necessary steps I need to take to solve some things.

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It's important to remember I can only do so much regardless if my will believes otherwise. Some of the problems are direct results of people I have in my life, and that's not to say they have to be exiled out of mine but guidelines need to be made and met.

I've been doing a TON of pondering on the subject of heroes too. {no, not the dumb show that stole countless hours out of my life, that better get a made for tv movie tying/ending the storyline altogether.} I think I've cemented mine into my life at this point.

I used to/still do look up to some of the strangest things but the person/people in my heart I strive to make happy and go through each day for have remained the same. I don't even feel like putting it out there, but the measuring stick is going to have to reach ridiculously high in order for me to reach MY expectations in life.

Writing this now I'm feeling a bunch of emotions. but the overwhelming feeling I get is bitterness. The little things people take for granted, are things I missed out on somehow somewhere down the road. I have friend's that have the 'family life' I desired and the environment that spawns the type of thinking I found on my own.



I don't know, this is about the time a tangent comes in and takes over. I can't help it, but I'm good regardless I know I turned out alright. It's really not about that. I need the WORLD to know I turned out alright, and I don't even NEED that for me! All in all, it becomes very frustrating to want something you really could care less for so badly.



I used to get it IN for $$. If it ever came down to it would I do it again? Or is the answer to finding 'the pure 1' dependent on NOT going back down that road? I believe God puts us in positions of discomfort for specific reasons. Hold up, that was wrong. I believe God allows us to put ourselves in positions of discomfort for specific reasons. Good or bad, I'm trying to get something out of it.



I feel like I'm been scraping the bottom of every container/jar I come across. Every1. Empty. Yet when I pass the jar off to some1 else it always seems like that sh*t fills right back up. Another reason I try to avoid getting caught up on things that don't concern me. It'll have you bugging out.



*sighs*

That feeling of embarrassment is flushing over me again. I think too much, which isn't a problem when you can handle what you conjure up. Let's just say my hair is getting thick again.

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SMH at those who I thought would put 2 and 2 together with this through normal everyday observations... My waves were so OD... How I miss them.



Thing is, I've been conditioned in someway to feel like I can't have things from the past like that. Simple, not really, but it REALLY is. Please don't get confused like so many other times I'm just writing to myself forgetting there's some1 peeking over my shoulder.



Hey Nic CHILL with all that running lol I can't keep up with all that distance mess. I hate running. 'True story'. Thanks for the support. =)



Yooo I think these Harlem n*ggas but something in they music that invokes some sort of chemical inbalance in me that allows for 'touchier' listening (pause, pause, and pause)

#StopIt5



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^

Dead*ss though throw on some Juelz, Cam, Dipset, or Charles and it's a wrap for my introspective thoughts. They find passion and go to work on her and it all sets me in an emotional trance. I love it, but people see me and think I'm bugging. I LOVE that, so I bug harder lol.



Things are looking up after such a dark beautiful morning. I don't know what the deal is but Jess and I have this tension circling around the spot. We are good outside of it but that spot there man... SMH instant battle grounds. I don't get it, but I'm good the sun's out and I'm just trying to bask in it and a few other things.



LOVING MUSIC!



I realize this was all more or less a big tangent, I'd apologize but I feel like it's all relevant so read people! I'm working on that list still lol maybe I should post each individual emcee's profile when I finish it. It'd go faster that way... I should NOT have started with Eminem.



I'm 5000 though, ironically this was all written at the gym with no phone. Lol yeah it didn't take long though, back to the crib to see my baby and 'collect' more tunes.



1Gone!


_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Who Dat Though?

Don't get it twisted the videos mean somethng too. In this case this 1 means i'm excite to see the official video! lol smh



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Official video is droppng monday!
J. Cole has been killing it recently though. Any1 heard Higher?? straight heat right there..




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HEAT!!!! whoooweee! That song gets me so hype lol I was throwing chairs dead*ss!

"love is a gamble I aint dealing with no broke n*gga"


Gone!



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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

EMcee Promo




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Notice who's album I haven't mentioned yet? No beef with Drake, I'm still listening trying to decide if his album is 1 I want to get behind. Regardless support! Support! Lol its all relevant..



"I don't ever want to breathe if I'm needing assistance/just pull the plug/" Jean Grae -Dont Push Me



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Something to think about..

Gone!


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

I Dream of Jean(E)



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She's so ill. Your in mine Jean! Lol dead*ss though some things were just meant to be put on this blog. I wasn't looking for that but damn if it didn't speak volumes. It HAS TO hurt when your constantly proved wrong for the sake of trying to be right, but hey, I told you so.

She's so real. I wish every individual had her thought process when it comes to accepting music though, things would be so much better. Yo Jean has a potty mouth, and I think its sexy lol let me stop.

More videos coming I've been typing too much =)


Gone!

_ _
 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Blessings in Disguise Maybe

God is looking out today! Here's something kind of interesting about me (I'll leave that for you all to tell though), for as much music as I've listened to since I got heavy into to hip hop 11 years ago, I haven't let to many ladies in the game hold my attention.

I'm not sexist quite the opposite, me being real with myself leads me to see when I'm being fed the carbon copied manufactured artist. Even more so with women because I actually listen to the words and could give 2 f*cks what some1 appears like. Dead*ss.

So when I have 4 female artist that consist of Lauren Hill, Jean Grae, Lil Kim, and Foxy Brown presented to me it takes no time at all to acknowledge the substance the 1st 2 have over the last 2. Skills NOT gimmicks is why Lauren Hill and Jean Grae are acknowledged by me. I mean I'd smash like there's no tomorrow but that has nothing to do with the music lol

This brings me to my point I was making. There are artists I listened to when I was young a whole bunch. Only problem is my ears aren't what they are now, and my mind has defnitely altered for the betterment of describing music back to myself.

Enter another female emcee I am willing to embrace, love, and fantasize over all in 1. Hello Eve.

I was sitting down 'collecting' more Jean Grae music when Eve's Behind the Music special came on (I'm just passing time waiting for this final's game to start). I immediately remembered why she was so beloved by her fans. Look at her! lol

What struck me the most about her that I can't really say about any1 else (off the top of my head) besides Lauren Hill, was her ability to CONNECT with women old and young alike. She has some POWERFUL songs regardless of gender.

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I shouldn't put it past Nicki Minaj, but I will. I don't think we will be hearing that type of music from her and Wayne's camp. Sad too, cause the girls eat that stuff up.

I guess I'm just excited to hear what's in store for her (Eve) now that she's right mentally. I'm trying to better understand you alien creatures (women). I need all the helpful advice I can find.

I am crushing hella hard right now and I don't know if I even made a point, or any sense lol


*Shrugs*

Game time lets go LA!


Gone!


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

First Things First

Thanks to every1 who prayed for mama Wilson. She's doing fine now, but there are still questions that I feel need to be answered. I'm just thankful, that's all I can really get across at this point. I overthought a lot of possibilities today, now I'm just trying to forgive.

Not because I'm ready to or want to either, its just the thought of not having some1 here that I EXPECT to be there really knocks me down.

No I'm not letting things go, but I will at the very least try to acknowledge and pay homage to 'the big picture'.


I'm celebrating tonight.



GONE!


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Time Out

Pray for my mother please. Details aren't available right now All I know is she fell and had to go to the Emergency Room and she's home now. So that's where I'll be today for the majority of the day. Take a moment out and try to appreciate what you have, and who you have in your life.  



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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

2 Will Leave...

... 1 will return.






Productivity is the aim for the day. Not to be confused with my 'aim' accounts threnassanceboy and kingxpoetic. This little post was way too hard to get right. Let's have a good 1 people...









Gone!





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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Love... Sucks




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Familiar situation for any1?? I know what it is to be in this situation and not really know how to get out. Crazy. Only compounded by the other member being... well he said it all best really.
' but you temper's just as bad as mine is/ your the same as me when it comes to love your just as blinded/'

*shivers*

^
Real talk Detroit lol stupid...

Gone.
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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Is That Right?





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*Sighs*


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Troubling Thoughts

If you really love and care about people refrain from putting these into 1's head. Never does this result in positive results, at least not in my experiences. Neither here nor there however..

So many different sounds infiltrating my ears and I'm loving it! It's about the only thing keeping me from flipping out right now. That and Marley's pretty face =) I've already planned to lay my head wherever she designates tonight. Me and my b*tch.

I'm not feeling the double standards on words more than ever right now, Like its truthfully pissing me off a little bit. Recent arguments have made me think about things like this lol. Think about it though, when your upset, AND engaged in a verbal shootout aren't you trying to hit the other person? Maybe its just me, but I'm not going to get shot at and then shoot to mis by 5 feet. Just doesn't make sense.

With that said, what's the one word that women find offensive pretty much across the board? Taking that away is like saying I'm not allowed to snipe you when I clearly had the chance 5 min. ago on some 'Why don't you shoot him already! frustrating cliche movie sh*t' Its silly.

Anyway the frustration is felt in all categories from me rigt now. Freedom of Speech ftw =)

That's 2 smiley things in 1 post, I'm trIipn.That reminds me of Squishy, Meroki, Freakbody, Rora, Kansas and everything in it. Loving my memory right now.

More to say, but it can wait. I'm good now.





Gone!















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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

days turn to nights back into days...

I'm just really going off the deep end here. Part of me believes the inevitable move is not sitting well with where I'm supposed to be in the grand scheme of things. Distance. Tried that, no thank you. My heart's heavy and my mind's heavy.

Typing this I can feel my eyes slowly swell. I'm trying to decide whether to let the tears fall or to hold them back. I don't even know what the purpose of crying would be at this point, but cry away I just might. Jess is here but she doesn't know how to love me right. There I said it.

I try not to lose myself in fantasies of what 'may' be but I live in a fantasy world so it gets extra tough. My allergies are getting to me. Them on top of the heat already filling my head up are not a good mix. I'm dead*ss sweating shirtless with the fan blowing on me full blast.

I did A LOT of reaching out today, and I don't know if I was successful in what I was trying to do. The point is I reached. Tomorrow really needs to be about SOMETHING. I don't care too much the significance of what that 'something' is, but progress is the lane it needs to be in.

I don't know if writing to myself right now is helping or not I just know when I get to typing I can let my mind go a little bit. Listening to my itunes on shuffle. Its kinda ill, but I guess that's because it's mostly Eminem and Charles Hamilton at the moment. I'm having an issue getting that list together and that's definitely not a bad thing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Felt obligated to sift through my itunes for more 'variety' since I have guests over. I really don't like when that happens, I have to try to gauge how they feel about the sh*t I love. I could care less if they don't love it or even like it cause its mine, but now its easier to see why I wouldn' like being put in that role.

The night came and went, not much to say really the morning has been interesting and we haven't broken past 730 yet. No sex in Jess' room. Period, don't know how I feel about that. Let me be more blunt since privacy is less and less of a concern I'm good without 'a woman's touch' because I can ALWAYS have the melody.


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Even if it's a stranger to me.

As of right now I'm focused on reworking my itunes once again. I'm taking it back, so every artist I used to f*ck witth at 1 point is getting love. Cam, Juelz, and Dipset are the primary artists at the moment. Thanks for datpiff lol.

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Ok it's well into the day now... See how entries just sort of expand? Lol I took it a step further almost completed Charles' catalogue minus the exclusive cuts. 1 more to go for Eminem. Cam Juelz and Dipset I'm done with though, collected some old Drake and Wale, moving on to Jean Grae. I can honestly say I'm having the time of my life.

I'm actually quite the house cleaner when I'm focused... Which I'm not right now, so let me get back to that. Margot I see you something just for you soon!




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IF this post had a purpose or point I have since lost it.








Gone!

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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Things to Look Forward To

This is specifically for tonight so lets get it!

I'm thinking some form of alcohol to alter the state ofmind that isn't mine. Maybe I'll find the old me??  Hmm I'll leave it at that. Food! I'm eating good tonight, and I'm not worried about another persons stomach 1 bit, I set this up for myself and people been acting SUPER shady!

Boondocks! Gotta love that show (Peep the older posts), and this 3rd/final season hasn't been too bad. My expectations are usually the same from episode to episode, be creative and make me laugh. I don't get caught up in all the contreversy, cause that's stupid. I'm hunting for smiles and laughs.

I'm trying to beat Modern Warfare 2 tonight. It'll happen, and I know I'm late on this but chill lol. I got the game played the single player campaign mode halfway through exactly in like 2 days, then hopped online. That was the end of my single player voyage right there lol online is a monster on that game.

*PS3 4Life or until something better comes*

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Sound familiar?

*scoffs at wedding vows*

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I COULD try and beat Final Fantasy 7 tonight as well, although I'm sure doing that would force me to actively be up through the night. I don't know, as much as I want to purchase Final Fantasy 8 I'm going to hold off on the prospect of finishing this off.


Can I just say I don't really like the show True Blood? Yes I know i'm in the minority here, but I don't care that show gives vampires country accents. *NOT COOL*

I may diveI deeper into 1 of my favorite anime shows Trigun. No finishing that tonight, especially with the sh*tty internet connections I've been experiencing. How about this though? I just stay up with laptop in... lap, and talk to you all? I like that idea, but probably the least likely to go down.

I miss those I haven't spoken to in awhile. i had to revert to myspace today *shivers*. I DO need to reactivate my facebook account to get to a certain individual but that's going to be purposefully brief. Hopefully more than a few people will be up with me keeping me company. But if not, then it's back to figuring out who's better than who in the rap world.


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No easy task. My head hurts from attempting earlier smh.

That's it for now though, time to disappear into the wind. Goodbye friends.

Gone!

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

DO I MAKE SENSE YET!?

Or am I just... Senseless?