Birthdays have gone and passed, and I haven't communicated with any1. Well not directly anyway so should I feel guilty? My thoughts were filled with all things you but I don't get the credit if you don't know do I?
*Too many questions*
Today is the day I've grown too tired of unanswered questions. Sometimes you have to let the chips fall where they may, and at the moment I feel as if I'm prepared for things to fall wherever God decides to allow them.
A lot of good things going on, but I've found that even within those disappointments are still VERY prevalent. Things are moving and the Ball is quite literally in my court, not really sure what to do with it, but I am! I won't do what I know to do with it and that's becoming more frustrating everyday that passes. Fear is a crippling parasite that creates catastrophic happenings when misused. Of course like anything else, it CAN be flipped to work in ones favor... My favors need different flavors.
I had so much to say, but as I began to type it felt like my will and spirit were being taken away with every word. I hate feeling this way, so depression must be real.
*I get depressed when I get better with words*
so I turn to others who have crafted beautifully written and orchestrated pieces such as this...
I love being underestimated. So understand me.
So I've penned a letter to a very disputable parent. It is what it is (my favorite 'saying') I'm just saying I have a TON of emotions being put to page. Forgive me if my actions show that I don't care or my mouth gets outta control (ie SUPER reckless). Know it's coming from an emotional place, and it may actually be helping me to get it out the way I DECIDE to. Once again I'm finding myself on the outside looking into a relationship I've known too well for too long. I say the outside because I am constantly exiled, and apparently Chris is the n1gga she wants, but Chris hasn't been there for a minute so go figure. It used to be weird, but I'm okay with it now I guess.
What better time than now to say this; if your done with me be done. I'm about as forgiving as they come but I'm not into getting trampled on. Which is NOT to say I do nothing wrong, sh1t, I'm no good. I TOLD YOU THIS! *Flashes back to the Q&A sessions going unanswered and me too strung out to even care* Remember that... When you couldn't answer, I knew the answers and when you lied I knew why. But ah yes, by no means am I the saint *ain't*. Flawed as I am I know what it is I need or at least I tell myself I do. I also know what it is I don't need. If you haven't guessed by now I have an addictive personality, so keep it around me long enough and weeeeelll...... Good or bad it doesn't discriminate. Finding out what I needed gone and whatnot was half the battle. Now it's living with the decisions I'm making. I think I'll be okay but this has turned into a tangent once again. IF your not f*cking with me for whatever reasons it's not a negative thing. I will say I'm thankful for the times you WERE f*cking with me (heh). Plenty have up and disappeared some even right in front of me, so needing to get yourself away from the wreckage isn't a problem. As I said I remain thankful. However I can't put things on hold or in this case keep myself guessing when the next 1 will come around.
I appreciate the thoughts you all keep me in from time to time, mainly because it's nice to know others think about you the way you do them. Although I'm sure these mental interactions don't compare to the energy I'm putting out FOR you, I know it may be a step in the right direction. Honestly though? I just kind of laugh at a lot of you. I really struggle to think about what it is 1 might find appealing about me. So far the conclusion I've come across most is history. Well I certainly know history isn't repeating itself (Been there done that type sh1t) again. While trends may, I am not trendy so that lends even less possibility to the aforementioned. (I love it when my free speech turns into something much more unintentionally)
Funny to me when I am asked about my well-being. Some of you need to take a look in the mirror. DEADASS! I wonder if the truth were more grim than I cared to share albeit being shared in this case, would you still show support? Would you stick your nose up? I know a lot of you would, and that's cool I guess. Not my cup of tea, but neither is judging people for believing or acting out in situations I don't believe or agree with. Stop feeling some kind of way about people telling you about yourself. Look at it as a sign of admiration, I know IF I didn't give a sh*t about whatever I just wouldn't open my mouth to speak. Now what's worse? (goes back to the whole 'being here to annoy you' thing a couple posts ago) It's like really? Just grow up, and if some1 saying grow the hell up or the f*ck up is 'too much' congratulations you have shut me up indefinitely. What the f*ck they put in these peoples' water nowadays anyway?
I have no clue what this was supposed to be continuing on from, I do know I've written a lot (cause I've been told I was too much of a sensitive little b1tch so yes, I like to WRITE my feelings out.) because I'm not feeling well emotionally. A little unbalanced meaning the 'good' is GREAT and the 'bad' is definitely worse than the antonym for GREAT. I'm dealing with it, and probably not in the best of ways, but right now I'm more concerned with OTHER people in my life. It sounds bad but I just don't care about my own well-being anymore. Not now anyway, you are all so much more important, I just need to channel enough energy to focus long enough to get my message as clean and digestible as possible for you. For a lot of people it's curtains.
There was a time where I just did not give a f*ck. What was in my head was shared when I pleased how I pleased and I'm happy to say I'm feeling like that's right around the corner again. Hopefully this time around I'll be able to better articulate myself when the time comes. Cause if there's 1 thing I hate, it's being mislabeled unfairly. Take time to know me then watch as I accept whatever criticism you throw my way. I feel like it should work both ways and my character exemplifies this. Though to hear 1 tell it I'm a monster in the worst kind of ways.
Ladies I love you, and I'm sorry to say I have disrespected a part of what it means to be a lady by placing my hands on you (more than once). Definitely the thing I'm least proud of in life and a source of unlimited guilt. Well, I know how I feel about it and I know many of you are ashamed of me as you should be. You know, through all this, all I've ever thought is how can 'THEY stand by ME when I'M like THIS?'
'THEY' not being specific to gender, just loved ones. Well loved ones I'm sorry. I'll make it right somehow and I love you for loving me endlessly. As for the 'dart throwers' the muzzle is coming off.
*Got some great news through the twitter grapevine*
*oh and that list... drugs man.*
Kiki reminded me why the list was ro be destroyed. Needing help and wanting it are 2 important themes of this Blog. Needing and wanting attention aren't. Flat out as that. The fact that you must be alerted before deciding to 'fuck' with the blog says a lot. No need to feel guilty it just is what it is. You go out of sight long enough and the rest will surely follow. Meaning I won't be on any1's mind. Quite honestly as much as it pains me to see that come true I wouldn't have it any other way. My door is f*cking down the street the same place its always been so no I don't worry about saying f*ck you to those that deserve it. Rest easy if you can't even touch me lol.
Honestly.... Tired of honesty. Or being entrapped in a perspective that lends no path to truth. Basically when we start drifting apart it is what it is. Its no longer problematic, I've clocked it down to a science. The amount of me that I have to give in order to stay 'relevant' in your minds isn't even necessarily possible from my end. That tells me get your flags out and let them match my hands. At least we'll both FEEL like we're on the same page, but take a closer look and its clear we are communicating different messages.
Kiki not at all upset or angry with you, I know the tone of my messages and this blog might suggest otherwise (sidenote: though often wrong you CAN assume the tone of a txt message). I just want those that should forget to forget and move on. You know "they say if you love it..." Type sh1t.
I am not looking for a brighter neon sign saying 'Look at me!'. Not at all, unless the act of watching/observing is something you have decided you want to do... Or need to do. Its whatever at this point. I say f*ck whoever because I know where its gone and I know where I've brought it back to. I'm so much better off then I was and that needs to start counting for something (to myself). So long to go but guess what? I can kind of see where I'm goin at the moment, couldn't say that 2 weeks ago.
Sorry if it seems grim, because it's coming from a place that houses the possibility of hope. Still kicking, hitting, and missing. Just not in your face. I expect this to be the last time many of you hear or read a clear direct response from me, and I dealt with how that felt before my thumbs got exercising. Know though it IS all love, and this isn't me turning my back as much as it is looking at the turned backs smh, and walking my own path (again).
Don't know what this will mean for all of us, I have my fingers crossed for a few and already mourned the relationships that died because of this stupid sh1t. I'm still holding on though. Is it still all love??
*I found the answer where selfishness cannot exist*
"Well if I wasn't here I could never annoy you with my blah blah blah, would you rather that be the case? Think about it..." That's an old quote from Chris said frequently to those who felt his presence was 'annoying' at times.
Interesting way to think about it, and I think maybe the correct way for all to think about loved 1's. We take too much for granted, and granted, most are doing just fine with his 'disappearance' I'd like to think some1 kinda wishes he was there to annoy them 1 more time.
The rain has started to fall *hint hint* and instead of feeling in control of 'A' situation desperation is starting to set in. I sit back and watch n1ggas lose they minds all the time. Stress, weed, and 'Great Expectations' will do that to most anybody. What a 'great' book btw... Gotta find that somewhere for other purposes.
Still it's a little weird watching the psychological effects take hold of some1 you've known to be 1 way your entire life, or period of time you've known them. It doesn't scare ME like I thought it would, it intrigues me. Chris falls apart, and most others fall into habits. At some point whatever your falling to (ie running from/to) can and will catch up to you. "People need hope..." right? So who's the 1 with it? Why always 1 I want a group of them b1tches.
At the moment if I laugh too hard I'll blow out all my stitches, my face healed okay and I'm super thankful for that I do plan on going back out there some day. Back to the topic, Grant trained the Granted Gang and they took everything for all it WASN'T worth. Now I'm stuck in the dirt that's turning to mud trying to make sense of it, sinking in my own mini flood (it's raining). I need water proof equipment, or just none at all. People may need to side eye me for my ability to part with 'awesomeness' so quickly and freely.
That leather couch though... I never parted from the souls I came to know. Might've discarded them at times but look down and ask yourself if I've been there... Honestly honesty is all we need. I'm somewhere fine for now, but I remember how it felt peeling myself off of that couch. Your's wasn't the only 1 I had to but it may have just been the last I'll gravitate to.
#nomadic if I have to be
and I've let twitter take over my blog... Social networking is something else. Got a lot of tucked F U's under my belt, but I won't hide behind numbers or hash tags. You'll feel what I've been saying, and then I'll be gone again.
I can flip shit anyway I kick it to myself when I tune in to my fitted. I show others and they don't get it, understanding is quite missed. But still, I find my shield in my own solace. So fuck how you feel aint been change in my wallet since I dropped out of college. Like knowledge is something I don't need to acknowledge cause the gems they was dropping had no keys for unlocking my mind. Like a broke locket you wouldn't find a picture even if you knew the scripture to unlock it. I guess that doesn't mean it's broke just means you probably should've tried to spot it before you bought it and was the butt of this joke.
If I remembered my rambling that cause this we might be onto something. Halo is ill though, that I know with confidence. Looking back I know I was hurt a lot of truth that normally wouldn't came out. Sooooooo that means pain. I'm tired of others hurting around me, and exhausted from the physical pain I feel that may or may not be in my head. Regardless my body hurts in places that leaves me less than wasted feeling like I'm nothing near basic but still tripping as if somebody laced it.
I struggle with whether or not your listening, then I struggle with whether or not I'm wrong. Taken but not forgotten. Gone but not taken. Whatever. I'm here, taken or not. Never mind what my imagination says we are or could be, knowing that the reality is we could've been. The 1 I'm with clueless...
But I may not be with her or any1 for that matter, could be with you but then I'd really come across as foolish.
Appearance is important. Yet I do not care about appearance. I have a need to care about how you all see me appear to be in your eyes. Such is necessary for monetary purposes. Yet and still, I do not care. Simply because I don't know who I am to each of you individually, but I know it's not who I AM.
I was talking to a very beloved friend of mine and a concept of ownership was brought up (whether she knows it or not). Well, feelings and ownership... Basically it's not fair to say that I can't love what I can't/don't have. Word??? In the case of others and the image you uphold in your head, how can you really be sure you have the 1 you "fell in love with" anyway if the image you hold onto is the 1 in your head. Confusing...
Stay with me in my head things play out much more.... *sighs*
I am not the same person I was a day ago.
If the above statement is true, and it is. Imagine how much I've changed in a months time. 4 months. Half a year. Now a full year. Obviously we can continue on, but the point is I've changed a lot. For some of you while I know why I am appealing to you I question why I would remain so after all that we've been through. (Guilty)
I question if the person you miss is me, or if it is in fact the memory you had of me that I once fulfilled. Well, I don't question it I know that's what it is. That in itself hurts to come to terms with, but the truth is many of you would turn your noses up in disgust. While I'm stuck being disgusted with stuff I try to bury within me.
Not a great feeling when you feel like you aren't you anymore. Even worse when you have to face those that loved the old you, in spite of the 1's that know the new you and aid your transformation daily.
Let me chill. I'm focused with what I want to say, just not sure it should be said. So I won't I'll chill, but I'm hurting. I don't think I've ever came out and said that outright, but that's what it is. I'm in so much pain. Some of it was just bad breaks, a lot of it self inflicted, hence why I haven't said anything. But f*ck even junkies need help, and well... Ya'll just pray for me when/if this ever gets to you.
I need to go find my own help, and I FEEL like I need things to help me deal with what I'm feeling. That alone is a terrible demon to deal with. I think about the things I was, or how I used to deal with discomforting pain and my memory conveniently fades. When it comes back in I realize it wasn't so much what I was doing, but who I was with. What I was doing didn't even matter but my pain has always been padded by the walls of my friends aka extended family.
Anyway I'm real dolo these days, so it's hard to care what some non exec n1gga thinks about what I look like when I'm surrounding myself by what makes me comfortable. I'm past the physical aspect of trying to appeal, and I've found that money really has no place for me at the moment. Bills will be paid the rest will be played with type of sh1t...
Every1 seemed to forget how hard I go with my playful sh1t like I wasn't a playful kid through all this. Well, I have no problem jogging memories, I just hate jogging... Or any running for that matter. Know well that while doing what I hate, and at the same time giving you a taste I'm so far gone into what I just made. ... And n1ggas talk to me about drugs, well I'm off those.
I do get it now though (speaking to no 1 specifically) and my appreciation for 'it' has only risen. People are as fickle as can be, and I love people, what's that make me?
Nothing too deep, just a fickle people lover that can't let go... Or a teacher.