Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

What A Day!

The day trecks on. I’m exhausted, no doubt about that. I’ve been exhausted since 10:30 PM last night though. I’m still trying to figure out how I got through the night like I did. Well I know how, but I wont say as it wasn’t the only thing serving as my caffeine intake.

Man I’m tired… Where will I sleep??

Downtown is lovely, so I love it. I feel like bad moods wouldn’t linger for long here. Just too must nature and people movement. Too much to focus on.

Coke… The poisonous cycle continues. Speaking of cycles. That laundry I spoke about is still waiting to be laundered. Only I can’t see it happening anytime soon. In fact, I estimate that said laundry will take ATLEAST 3 hours.

I will not be defeated by fatigue, or want for ‘other’ things. I need to stay focused, but there’s so much keeping me out of focus at the moment………………………..

*found it*

Only took me more than half the day, but I found my focus. I’m not giving myself enough credit. I’ve been dragging through every activity I’ve faced today. Just about done, but is done ever really done? No. It isn’t.

My baby is sleeping off her surgery at the hospital and I’m supposed to be leaving to acquire her soon. Stay strong Marley! That’s my muf*ckin B*tch to the end right there!!

Jean Grae is 1 funny emcee. Charles introduced me to the ‘your favorite emcee’s are actually real people… sometimes’ club and she has upped it a bit I’d say. Just extremely funny. I guess that’s why I’ve decided to be exhausted only in physical form….


Random (sorry for that), Entourage new season this Sunday. Entourage. Boondocks. 1 big thing of ‘something’ swear to the skies. It’s going to be a great weekend.

Ok back to this… Exhaustion. Yes, I’m sleeping in it. I wish… Mentally I’m good. I’m happy, I’m good being happy. Just have to get through a few more things. I don’t know what’s going on tonight but I’m going to go for a massage (hehehehehehe) and a nap.

Oh yeah, it’s hot. F*ck this heat.

Just a tidbit of info I thought was VERY interesting. Eminem has once again outsold ALL of his peers' first week sales. INCLUDING DRIZZY DRAKE. I believe the numbers were roughly around 550,000. Roughly anyway.

It's just welcome change when 1of the top people doing it in hip hop has the SKILLS to back up whatever sh*t he may decide to talk, and the numbers as well. I love it!

In the future?? Hmmmmmm

_ _

Frown Upward

This sh*t right here!? Lol chill... This brings a calm over me though. Not being able to communicate with the wrong people has pushed me into a corner of isolation. I'm not sure whether it's 'cool' or not, but I know I haven't been ME as of late.

So many things that I believe make me the person I am today have started to lose their hold on me. Depressing, but I will adapt with time like leaves do to winds in order to coincide peacefully with myself.  I know when 'the jig is up', and I know I'll handle that moment with myself. No worries at the moment I'll be ok.

No  worries!

_ _

As my Sun says 'hello'

I couldn't think of a more obnoxious way tosay it. I'm the life of my party over here too Diddy. Smh... Well time to put those great ambitions and goals on that high up mantle piece. Or should I be trying to get the ambitions and goals down??

Regardless it's the real morning. Things must get done. Things must be avoided.

Special attention to that last sentence. And THAT last sentence wasn't even complete. THAT last sentence was a fracture...

I could go on and on with that... I'll pass. The video was obnxious enough.

_ _

Was I wrong??

I questioned T.I.'s relevance upon his return and Rick Ross' rise. I don't know if it was justified or not. To hear me tell it, Tip's buzz isn't where it used to be. That doesn't mean I'm not waiting to hear new music from him. I think T.I.'s 1 of the dopest (heh) doing it right now. Really interested to see where he takes this album.

_ _

3:24am while I'm waiting

2 completely different vibes. All ME though. Don't miss the plane. Don't get caught wanting 'the old me' either. I find that people tend to want to challenge things they don't understand. Don't do that with this.

Any1 notice the grittiness vs. the cleanliness??

Times sure are changing.

_ _

Midnight Hours When I Brood

I don't know what to think. I was ready. All in. Now it's back to being a toss up of sorts.

Lately, I haven't had much energy for anything. Like I'm sitting here typing this paying attention to how difficult the task of inhaling and exhaling has become for me. My body just feels tired. My mind feels cloudy.

My soul feels damaged. Things that put calm to me in the past no longer have the same effects. For the first time in a long while I feel lonely WITHOUT the company of other individuals. Which is to say the constant company of individuals hasn't deterred my mindstate from feeling lonely.

The reason I don't really mind feeling lonely while being alone. There's a part of me that feels like this is somewhat of a 'warm up' (shout out to J.Cole) round for what's to come. I can only hope that isn't the case, but like all things time will tell.

Time has all the answers and I'm terrified to commit to it sans hip hop purposes.

Can you imagine how LeBron must feel? I don't know, having all of tha responsiblity placed on your shoulders is a big deal. I don't really think about it how every1 else seems to be. To me, it's more of a question of whether or not LeBron feels guilty (which would be natural) at the thought of leaving.

To be fair it's not like Cleveland had much before LeBron either. I guess I'm trying to point out the decisions to depart from the people that helped elevate you to a point where departing was even possible.

How to deal with that I wonder... I've been paying for all this hope with frustration, getting disillusion back in change. I'm just sick of it all.

My stomach is going nuts right now, so it's the perfect time to realize I've eaten what sums up to be basically nothing all day (night and midnight hours). My body is spazzing on me. I feel sick, then fine, then hungry. Repeat that cycle with less hunger and add in sleepy. I feel like I'm always sleepy...

Space bag... I could use that.

I have no idea where to store all of these things. Go figure.

It used to feel energized by these late/early nights/mornings but now I remain up counting hours until the sun comes back out. Either that or pass out to awaken when the sun is coming out. There's no more excitement just a sort of acceptance to it all.

I don't know. My head is hurting. All I can think about is what I would take with me in the event I find myself in a less than ideal situation. Minimizing what I've become known for by those close to me. Which would be sure to bring passengers of my car a sigh of relief.

Tomorrow I clean out the car. Tomorrow I wash remaining clothes. Tomorrow I pack. Not much, enough to fill 2 backpacks. Then I live.

 Marley's condition is still to be determined so she may have to chill for awhile before joining me, but if ever I need a shoulder to lean on I know her head will do.

*she sleeps so peacefully*

Fushigiball.. I want that.

Feeling sick again... This time with no phone has done something to me.  numbers will no longer be stored if I ever decide if I'm fortunate enough to get another 1, there's really little to no point anymore. I just need my Grandparents in there and I'm good.

I feel like tv takes a huge hit 3-6am. I may be victim of not watching very much, but the options I'm seeing are not very appealing. What I'm reading however is. Less tv more words for me. If I'm not passed out in the next 20 minutes, I'm sure I'll be in the same spot making my keyboard feel wanted.


_ _


Or am I just... Senseless?