"This primitive desire for ownership is secretly a veil of lunacy. You do not belong to me. Love; a combination of like and lust that does not warrant any ownership titles. I despise that you made me forget myself in the process of loving you. I'm passionate; yes. Emotional, hot headed and quick temper are not labels I prefer. You made me crazy, you succeeded in tripping me up.
The huge mass of emotions was a thousand lbs strain. The haggard lines were beginning to bear into my skin and seep into my actions..." - Young Lioness
Seems like every week I get the feeling of wanting to not express how I normally would. I know my intentions when I do express myself and it only serves to dishearten me when they are used against me. I know you've all accounted for me saying I'm in no way an easy person to deal with or have a relationship with. I don't care what that relationship is, I'm difficult and I know it.
I suppose knowing why is more important, but I know the reason behind that too. I'm not a f*cking mystery, I have a big heart and struggle with how I use it.
Right or wrong? I would say my mouth clouds the intentions of my heart. All this is irrelevant, because it all means I'm feeling. That's more than I can say for the average human beings I've come across in the last year. I have to stop for a second here, some of ya'll were just down right mean people. Dead*ss man, people aregrowing more malicious by the day it seems, and if spite isn't the driving force behind their actions some other selfish motive is.
What's so wrong with wanting to be the best you can be for every1 in your life? Nothing, but therein lies the problem. If your going to live that way (or try to) you better damn well be able to back it up.
How the f*ck do you back that up? a Godsend spoke to me and put me up on more than a few things I never really got around to thinking about. Guess I needed divine perspectives. I was told that in any situation your going to have some1 that feels SOMETHING! Not in those words, but some1 will have feelings that don't add up with what your trying to put out into the world.
SOME1 WILL HAVE FEELINGS THAT DON'T MATCH UP WITH THE ENERGY YOU INTEND TO PUT OUT INTO THE WORLD!
Sorry for the caps, but I'm not going to be doing much more typing/talking/explaining, and that right there is what we call a 'message'.
You should already know what I'll revert to, though I DID say it'd be different this time around. I intend to keep my word. Rubin's ready anyway.
Out for the day possibly carrying on into the night and early morning. I will be in touch.
Why a response wasn't given back to you last night I'll never know. I was experiencing many different emotions at once and would like to congratulate some1 I care about for being in such a good place in their lives. Kiki it could NEVER change anything basically. I've done a lot of crying/b1tching/explaining on here to the point where I'd definitely be a liar if I allowed things to change.
My ladies... smh
Huge year for dealing with the unexpected. I'm happy for BOTH of you (Squishy what up!), and wouldn't harp on what I couldn't change at this point anyway. Feel like my message is being lost due to sleep exhaustion or lack thereof.
Here... I'm NOT going anywhere until you all ceremoniously boot me out your life through that computer screen and/or phone call. I'm no psychic, better to let time tell it, I just have a fairly accurate hunch about things like this. Just so long as every1 is happy.
whew... Trying to decide whether or not I'm going to be stuck for the day or walking everywhere until I'm stuck. The options really aren't that different, one is likely to land me in a whole new slew of issues, while the other is less efficient..
Stomach says I need to add fuel to the fire before I do a damn thing, had the fuel in mind but I'm wrong if I do anything involving any1 but her so, no. With that realization made I shift my thoughts towards more important things. I got steps to take..
Remember though I AM bitter, understanding where it comes from will allow you to see its because I know how special the both of you are. Dare I... lol Ya'll know!
*Thinks about editing content*
*Disregards against better judgement*
*Decorations... Understanding, There will be peace, and understanding...* -hums, -nods
I will be single, alone, and miserable for a long time. The equations really aren't that hard to set up, nor are they difficult to decipher. My lifestyle wants subtract from my needs. My own stubbornness allows me to carry on knowing I'll lose in the end. Some would argue it's stubbornness I'm even still here at all. Call it what you want but I will become, stay, and remain single due to a misunderstanding.
History says a misunderstanding will do much more then land me 'alone and miserable', but I know what I'm saying, so there it is.
Somethings I can't even begin to comprehend sometimes so I say shout out to Alex cause she's playing the same game I am. No telling on whether or not she knows she's losing too, I haven't gotten that far in with her yet. As I'm typing this I'm wondering if content needs to be edited. I've tried to be more open about my happenings and that hasn't really faired to well. Hence me losing.
Feeling awfully sick right now very suddenly.. Need a bathroom..
That was intense.
Reminds me I wasn't supposed to write anything on here. Apparently this is where I go to talk bad about Jessica people whenever I feel like I'm catching the wrong end of the proverbial sharp stick. well *my fault miss lady, my fault.*
I love Marley she's mine but I think she's been mad at me. I'll snuggle you when we sleep tonight baby!
Words are being too kind to me. I should do well to remember to return the favor, but in this case it probably won't happen before I pass out. I'm tripping, remembering things old and new all at once. I hope my stuff's charged up..
smh at the direction this went.
Holds true for everything, this entry is complete.
I'm getting drowsy do you know why? Probably not but it's underlined everything on here to both fb spots... and then I stop.
Feeling like going in NOT feeling like going in. I don't like feeling indifferent to my own thoughts. I SHOULD care more than I do, yet I'm okay knowing I care as little (which is more than you anyway) as I do.
These are random placements of basic thoughts brought together by blankness brought over by an overanxious mind.
K I'm done being bored on my blog, sh1t there's supposed to be everything for me to do on here yet, I'm rambling... again... I can't help it I'm loving the interactions I'm getting today and like I said up there I'm feeling drowsy lol. I swear today is 1 of them days I let my mouth get me into trouble (check) and I make people raise those eyebrows as curious/worried/angered onlookers. It's all good though I know who I'm talking to!
Ok so this paragraph will bring some focus to this whole thing.. Friends, and I use that word very hesitantly. Please don't feel like it's a problem to speak to me about issues. I'm not the 1 to feel intimidated in front of or speaking to. TRUST ME. I guess I should just say check the blog, and then see what I mean. This is stemming from friends of mine not really opening up with me, which is fine, you definitely don't have to. I just don't want the reason you don't to be because your Pnoid bout being judged, cause that'll NEVER be the case. EVER.
Anyway I want to be able to help people, especially my friends. I don't have very many, and they (you) should know I care about them a great deal. I love you all. Like deadass with a late pass. Get that Eminem in your system #NotAfraid
I told a friend today my blog told a story... Then I thought about it, and yes it really does. I'm sure you can get too much information about me from here, and I'm sure there have been multiple changes and evolutions. Maybe I should highlight the ones I th.... nah never mind, its there if you want to.
I made the distinction between blogs and notes, and then preceded to not use any notes! WTF? Well those are coming to. There'll be artists quotes. Important/unusual information relative to me and my closest peoples! ... So you might wanna stay on top of those when they start dropping on the Turtle's page.
Yoo speaking of which (shout out to Margot just cuz n1gga! lol) Chris Wilson continues to get more play/run/action than my n1gga Turtle.. Doesn't make sense but whatever. Maybe it's because Chris is naked and Turtle doesn't have a real face? Whatever, like I said, stupid.
As in who's dictating all this?
Anyway I'm literally being summoned away now. The evening better prove more peaceful then the first part of my day it's curtains for me holding my feelings back. Which could be a good thing... right? shouts to Jessica Mean Bear Davis!