Do you know how much it hurts to bear your soul, your feelings, your darkest thoughts and come back with nothing. It's a beyond sh*tty. 1st off, I'm starting to think God wanted me to be a woman cause when I look around I don't see any males I know being this emotional. I FEEL EVERYTHING! Too many things hurt me, and admittedly I'm pretty f*cking good at hiding it all...
That's the thing though, I'm not good at hiding it because I've said pretty much whatever I wanted to on here. albeit shrouded in articulation for my own safety, it's still there.. I'm just feeling like sh1t. I got a great compliment on some writing I did today. It felt GREAT. I don't show too many people my writing but at the same time, plenty of people KNOW where to find it.
I was dead*ss looking for ways to kill myself. Researching sh1t taking it all in, getting f*cked up and passing out with that type stuff on my brain. Every time I've thought of the selfish act it was those around me that ultimately proved to be my life rope back to reality. I just can't imagine putting the people I care about through THAT pain. Even if I don't want to live here on earth anymore.
That's some morbid sh1t but I've felt the most morbid of sensations brewing inside of me running on 1 and a half years now. Just to be real.
Don't think for a second I blame anybody, because I don't. I definitely dug myself into this cramped hole. I did this, nobody else.
That doesn't mean people close to me don't hurt me though. I can't count how many times I've had people that know me well say something like;
'you been writing u gotta let me see something some time!'
AFTER I've given them my blog address and explained how much of a safe haven this place is for me, including the depth of which I go in on the sh1t I write...
HOW CAN THAT NOT BE A BACKHANDED QUESTION AFTER THAT?
I had to chill cause it was getting to the point I just blogged about everything and in reality I wasn't saying shit, I was all inside my own head. Now I say I had to chill because I started ASSUMING that everybody should magically know about my blog and turn to it for any and all answers.
So I regained my sh1t, still though something has to be said about those who are very close to you and know you've been through some tough ups and downs. Struggles with different addictions things of that nature..
Oh, and did I mention somewhere in there that I'm actually NOT half bad with the writing? I can't say how good I am because feedback is so minimal, but I can definitely say I'm good. Good enough to stand in front of a crowd and recite what's been written, and have them think it's good.
I just don't understand these things. I put some ill sh1t on here, some REAL sh1t too. People just kinda looked past it I guess. Most every1 is guilty of it.. Or at least not coming back to me like 'yo I read about you feeling this way and not caring about living. Let's talk' Cause to be honest wtf is you READING it without letting me know doing? The sh1t entertainment for you?
This blog was supposed to be able to reach out to people, and try and uplift those that were feeling like me. Ironically the people around me weren't the 1's the got the memo, and I've met some COOL ASS STRANGERS that seemingly care more than most.
Some people just have no excuse. I'm tempted to leave some ill sh1t up and see how my Mom would react. I'm just not trying to be sent anywhere any time soon.
There are a lot of surprises too, people I would never think to give 2 sh1ts about this here hit me out the blue like 'I feel you man, that's some deep ish but...' and that's reassuring in itself.
Or to hear my writing gives them the 'shivers' cause they felt where the f*ck I was coming from... I don't know, people just treat me like I'm going to be here forever, and all I think about is how I'm going to die. I'm done with all that. As in I'm done turning back time and time again.
Life without me will be better then life with me and that's according to the information you all gave me.
It's like this, I have friends that I LOVE to DEATH! Dead*ss no doubt about it. We don't ever speak anymore, is it because I love them any less? F*CK NO! It's because I couldn't keep putting out 100% of myself and laying down on the tracks to have the train come run over me time and time again. Sometimes that's not the case and MORE is necessary, but when MORE isn't reciprocated you have to take an honest look at the situation.
I love Brian C to death, I love Dale R to death. And you know what? Neither 1 of them has been half the friend My man Jerome B has been. U know what this dude did? He asked about me! That's it. Like on some once/twice a year sh1t just to let me know he still thought about me and cared. I've been a sh*tty friend to him! Yet there he is cause he f*cking cares.
I've done the same with Brian and the same with Dale. The latter of which it seems God has just tugged us our different ways for good. Like it won't ever be the same, and I accept that and love and praise him for giving me the chance to just know this dude. BUT I DEAD*SS HAD TO WALK AWAY! That nearly has broken me, but I'm better for it. If the day should come that we meet back up I'll be better for us on some real G sh1t.
Brian is just like my brother like literally. I don't think I've ever had so much admiration for 1 of my peers like I do for him, he's just a brilliant person. I feel like I threaten him in more ways then 1, so I look past a lot. Like I said, he's the 1 that's supposed to do the great things. He's also the only 1 that ever told me I have more than he ever showed to the world inside me. Like dead*ss on some 'bro your the smart 1, your this your that.' type sh1t.
I'm getting lost though...
Some people have no excuses... So while I can look past certain things I can't look past some1 telling me that my very aware and thoughtful mind didn't bother to think on them, or to notice things they enjoyed or loved. Number 1 if I know you and you like something my natural instinct is to figure out why so I can gain a better understanding of you. This means I actually engage in what you like to be closer to you. This is true up until this moment as I am writing this.
So it's something like a slap in the face when people say things along the lines of me not being interested in something they are. Doesn't work that way, and it never will. While I'm here not wrapping sh1t in riddles let me say this. Meron/Kiki whoever the hell you are now. Don't hit me up crying about your cheating *ss boyfriend.
WHY? Well before, I'd be happy to sit there and listen to you tell me about all the things that aren't right with your relationship while offering you careful advice. I say careful because I've always been CAREFUL not to hurt you in the process of you dealing with this *sshole. However, me taking time to listen to you complain/vent/speak on your situation, on your life was me caring. The second you pulled that... Wait hold up I have it right here..
'That's you. Life is fine you don't have to worry about me. I can deal with it. And if it breaks me I'll just have to put myself together.'
And my response has been just that. I'll let you deal with your life, sense you want to spit in my face when I was just trying to uplift you after dead*ss being in the hospital having people telling me I was in danger of strokes/heart attacks. Your absolutely right.
I can't accept that. I won't, it's not like I don't have my own real problems I deal with everyday anyway. It's not like I'm not really depressed and looking for reasons to keep pushing through everyday because the 1's I have aren't working for sh1t. That's not the case at all..
Just keep your negativity yo. Jess swears it's just her, but I actual face problems and issues outside of what was that f*cked up relationship. I'm saying was cause right now you know what it is. No corny ass trying to get under your skin sh1t YOU DID IT! again...
Now I'm way past lost.. I had a clear vision but anger put an incision in it that I couldn't really get past...
Almost started getting cryptic. I don't know what else to say though really. It's just sad to me that people say they care, and don't do the very little things that some1 like me could ask for. Don't get me wrong the world was given to me on a silver platter. A lot of things were given to me on that platter, and I refused them all because I didn't want them. My set of priorities is very strange, none stranger than my need to be connected to others. I actually can't pull that off on my own though. I'm connected to music, I'm connected to my dog, but people? It turns bad there.
Am I even making sense? I just needed to vent, in hindsight I may need to repent..
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Psychiatry . a pervasive developmental disorder of children, characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity, and emotional detachment.
a tendency to view life in terms of one's own needs and desires.