Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Midnight Hours When I Brood

I don't know what to think. I was ready. All in. Now it's back to being a toss up of sorts.

Lately, I haven't had much energy for anything. Like I'm sitting here typing this paying attention to how difficult the task of inhaling and exhaling has become for me. My body just feels tired. My mind feels cloudy.

My soul feels damaged. Things that put calm to me in the past no longer have the same effects. For the first time in a long while I feel lonely WITHOUT the company of other individuals. Which is to say the constant company of individuals hasn't deterred my mindstate from feeling lonely.

The reason I don't really mind feeling lonely while being alone. There's a part of me that feels like this is somewhat of a 'warm up' (shout out to J.Cole) round for what's to come. I can only hope that isn't the case, but like all things time will tell.

Time has all the answers and I'm terrified to commit to it sans hip hop purposes.

Can you imagine how LeBron must feel? I don't know, having all of tha responsiblity placed on your shoulders is a big deal. I don't really think about it how every1 else seems to be. To me, it's more of a question of whether or not LeBron feels guilty (which would be natural) at the thought of leaving.

To be fair it's not like Cleveland had much before LeBron either. I guess I'm trying to point out the decisions to depart from the people that helped elevate you to a point where departing was even possible.

How to deal with that I wonder... I've been paying for all this hope with frustration, getting disillusion back in change. I'm just sick of it all.

My stomach is going nuts right now, so it's the perfect time to realize I've eaten what sums up to be basically nothing all day (night and midnight hours). My body is spazzing on me. I feel sick, then fine, then hungry. Repeat that cycle with less hunger and add in sleepy. I feel like I'm always sleepy...

Space bag... I could use that.

I have no idea where to store all of these things. Go figure.

It used to feel energized by these late/early nights/mornings but now I remain up counting hours until the sun comes back out. Either that or pass out to awaken when the sun is coming out. There's no more excitement just a sort of acceptance to it all.

I don't know. My head is hurting. All I can think about is what I would take with me in the event I find myself in a less than ideal situation. Minimizing what I've become known for by those close to me. Which would be sure to bring passengers of my car a sigh of relief.

Tomorrow I clean out the car. Tomorrow I wash remaining clothes. Tomorrow I pack. Not much, enough to fill 2 backpacks. Then I live.

 Marley's condition is still to be determined so she may have to chill for awhile before joining me, but if ever I need a shoulder to lean on I know her head will do.

*she sleeps so peacefully*

Fushigiball.. I want that.

Feeling sick again... This time with no phone has done something to me.  numbers will no longer be stored if I ever decide if I'm fortunate enough to get another 1, there's really little to no point anymore. I just need my Grandparents in there and I'm good.

I feel like tv takes a huge hit 3-6am. I may be victim of not watching very much, but the options I'm seeing are not very appealing. What I'm reading however is. Less tv more words for me. If I'm not passed out in the next 20 minutes, I'm sure I'll be in the same spot making my keyboard feel wanted.


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Or am I just... Senseless?