I'm doing my morning thing, and I see I have an interesting message on facebook. "Read your blog. Just thought you should know"
Well thanks now I know. I can't decide whether to feel slighted, or ashamed, but I'm a quick decision maker and it can't be the latter. It just can't, sometimes it has to be f*ck how you all feel, cause your taking a random moment on a random day to check this, I'm literally talking myself through some stuff. I guess that's why there were apologies noted on the same place you found reason to need to be apologized to in the 1st place.
I'm not perfect, but I certainly own up to my mistakes. Maybe ya'll should try doing that as a friend to me for once? Just a thought... I know I'm not the only 1 that's been f*cking up in a 'relationship' and now being out of that hey you get what you get. I'm an *sshole with feelings that usually go unnoticed.
Even people I've made a point to spend more time with don't come to the realizations or ask the questions I would expect. So yes, I'm going to be that way until I can find some1 in deep within the reality that is real everyday life to help me. I'm LOOKING so hard, and that's why I've found nothing.
Sorry for the display of disrespect and animosity. I just ask we start looking at the 'what could/did I do to make this situation worse?'
Cool I'm on my zonin type sh1t today. Gotta get it in early, and since it's most definitely a solo thing (People don't keep the hours I keep unless they live in London or the East coast. Even then it's a stretch) I can feel myself being exhausted, I have a lot of heavy questions weighing on me.
I've become quite the talkative body on Twitter and Facebook. Well he has I've been observing. Obviously to compensate for something I don't have.
Death is certain, death is silent, and at times can arrive through violence.
Still learning how to deal with death while maintaining a distant fascination of the unknown.
Last night was probably the worst feeling I've felt... all I could think about were things like this:
Up late fatigued in my face and it shows we closed that book all of a sudden I have feelings in droves couldn't do a thing about em decided to watch our old shows, Like am I suppose to just ignore those? Hard to laugh, tried to think back on what would make you crack, burst into laughter, but with each outburst a pitiful pain would come after. Man f*ck this new chapter...
Over and over and over and over and over! Never wrote a thing still haven't (until that right there, which was honestly more like closing my eyes and recapping). Being alone is giving me the confidence to speak to myself though. Literally. See I'm quite angry, very bitter. I don't know why yet but I know that my attitude is on FULL on display, and I don't give a f*ck. I'm a big *ss baby I've heard it enough, but I've also always tried to hold my tongue. What for though?
I'm not trying to offend anybody I just want to know what I'm feeling. Do you understand that's what the blog helps me do?? I've kept up with EVERY1's sh1t lol funny I don't pop up here or there or feel some kind of way when ya'll get disrespectful, human nature I know, so it is what it is.
Although I do wish some of you would have the guts to say some of your 'thoughts' to me, it's still all good not even an issue.
Before I get into the musical spiel, let me say Charles Hamilton is nothing like Talib Kweli. Won't go into it, just leave it at that.
Yesterday I kinda got into the 'evils' of the music we listen to. YES EVIL! When you hear me speaking on this type of stuff don't think for a second I'm standing over 'there' talking about what's going on 'here'. I'm involved because I love this sh1t. I talk about it because I love this sh1t. Think about this, I love movies, I mess with ALL kinds of movies. Music's no different, I just take it more seriously, and it should be taken that way it's too powerful of a tool to just ignore the pull it has.
I asked some friends what they thought about Kanye's transformation as an artist from College Dropout to now. I didn't get very far though, the answers were too vague and didn't really speak to any general aspects that he may have transformed from and/or into. ie. flow, delivery, lyrics, beats, etc. So while I received absolutely nothing I was looking for I discovered part of what I already knew. Girls don't really listen to music like that. If they do clap for yourself and them, your the minority in a major way. Yet, girls buy the music... See the issue there?
I just get baffled when people are ignorant as to what it is they are consuming. Who goes and gets a random dish of food without knowing WHAT it is, but knowing that it IS a combination of a bunch of different unhealthy foods???
Sounds ridiculous right?
Anyway the darkness of the music right now is killing me. Random lines thrown into lyrics with no explanation... "oh it'll be a beautiful death. Jumping out the windoww..." Kanye Power.
It's the easiest 1 to pick right now. Let me ask why you would want thousands of people at a time singing this in unity? That's some cult sh1t in my opinion. The more interesting fact about it is people DON'T realize that they are singing such a morbid action out. Leads me to believe that the powerful backdrop is a means to confuse and or disorient.
There's so much more... you got Jay-Z's "and Jesus can't save you, life starts when the church ends.." Like really? Guess what else is interesting. I listen to this stuff, my spirituality is admittedly no where near the level it used to be. That could be a direct result of a bunch of things.. Just saying stuff like that is EVERYWHERE in today's music, and people are so dumb they don't pay attention, they just consume.
I'm still looking for THAT convo. Yo Jess, you are amazing with that, the more I'm talking about it the more I realize you were basically on point with it. WTF was wrong with me. I mean sure we disagreed and I still believe most of your disagreements are based in stupid person bias' (like most all things we disagreed on. Check.) but, at least you had information backing things up. Well, more than what I've come across lately. Quotes, breakdowns. Your ill with it.
Now to curb these negative feelings.
*Half past sleepy time*
But it's 8AM. Today may be a long 1, I want to nap so I can at least enjoy this high. I'm learning a lot from some of the more aware socially conscious programming around believe it or not.
"alcohol and drugs are used to cope with trauma, and the feeling of isolation" Don't even want to say where I got that 1.
Just had a brilliant idea though.. Get some. Rummage through the alcohol at my parents' house
Get high, Zoloft Woodstock, get through the day. I need to make phone calls and I'm doing that thing where I sit while letting my thoughts paralyze me. Too much work to do.