Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

This is crazy yo..

I'm off. Let's just put it that way. I'll be off for awhile so deal or don't. I'm feeling accomplished and proud, but it's so sadly ironic those feelings have left me with a sick pit in my chest. Yikes... I'm in a difficult place. I'm absolutely terrified to go back to the place I feel the greatest discoveries were made. Consequently due to my 'lack of ambition'(so wack), I'm feeling like I'm going to lose it. Whatever 'it' is, in this case it's a lens I've been looking through providing me with spectacular yet hard-to-watch-all-the-way-through-without-cringing-or-looking-away observations. I DO feel bad, but now I'm just a little lost with where to go now. Nothing surprising it's to be expected. Thus, leaving my days lukewarm and lousy the reason it's coming back to structure, back to... Sense(s). My ego is stupid. I have no reason to display the confidence in such a way, when I feel so low. People really don't get it. You get low enough your just not going to care either way. Numbness takes over. So my 'confidence' is just 1's misguided perspective.

Talk about learning lessons, I've been smacked with heavy 1's all week.. I think I lost too many important things word to my Beats. I'm feeling like my directness is going to get me in trouble, but F*ck it, tell me I have a problem. Cause I have a problem with those who choose to be passive when I'm open to your criticism in the worst way. Hoping for it really. I think some friends are getting frustrated with the way things are playing out. I notice, but I'll say nothing. It's not my place to. I'm the f*cking fly on the wall.

I'm actually mourning believe it or not. I need to be careful with how I word this because it's bigger than me. I'm mourning due to death. Something I don't completely get, definitely something I have trouble expressing. I Feel too much once again...

Yo I think the wackest thing about me is I can sit down and express fairly accurately how I'm feeling, but when face to face all the thoughts and emotions hit a dead end. It's like I literally see them crash into this barrier that's been put up and I have no clue what to do with them, so I do nothing. Wishing all the while I would do something. I feel like that now. I felt like that with Coach Bugalski. Different coach still skiing, get it together yo.

People need me to be strong, because in THIS life there's plenty bigger than me. I need to act like it.

On some bunny to a rabbit type sh1t. Scary is the unknown.

Anyway, I want to be me *FREE* freely, I'm sure toes will be stepped on. *shrugs* I'll try my best, put it that way.

Think about this though.. getting clean to get dirty. OD.

I think writing this way is MORE confusing thing letting words free flow into rhymes. Interesting...

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Or am I just... Senseless?