Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010


Sometimes you have to look in the mirror and accept reality. I'm trying to find this person BD speaks so passionately about. The "nice" person. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, he described him to me. As a matter of fact he frequently asks me what happened to him, as dead*ss as sh*t yo.

I have the answers too. 'The thing is, answering truthfully requires an honest look at myself. I've found myself staring into mirrors a lot. Not on some conceited type ish, but dead*ss seeing the age on my face. The years, the scars that have taken place. I'm NOT the same person anymore.

As different as my face is now to say 2 years ago is probably minimal compared to my soul. That's where the problem lies. I'm speaking on it so freely because I'm trying to understand the necessary steps I need to take to solve some things.




It's important to remember I can only do so much regardless if my will believes otherwise. Some of the problems are direct results of people I have in my life, and that's not to say they have to be exiled out of mine but guidelines need to be made and met.

I've been doing a TON of pondering on the subject of heroes too. {no, not the dumb show that stole countless hours out of my life, that better get a made for tv movie tying/ending the storyline altogether.} I think I've cemented mine into my life at this point.

I used to/still do look up to some of the strangest things but the person/people in my heart I strive to make happy and go through each day for have remained the same. I don't even feel like putting it out there, but the measuring stick is going to have to reach ridiculously high in order for me to reach MY expectations in life.

Writing this now I'm feeling a bunch of emotions. but the overwhelming feeling I get is bitterness. The little things people take for granted, are things I missed out on somehow somewhere down the road. I have friend's that have the 'family life' I desired and the environment that spawns the type of thinking I found on my own.

I don't know, this is about the time a tangent comes in and takes over. I can't help it, but I'm good regardless I know I turned out alright. It's really not about that. I need the WORLD to know I turned out alright, and I don't even NEED that for me! All in all, it becomes very frustrating to want something you really could care less for so badly.

I used to get it IN for $$. If it ever came down to it would I do it again? Or is the answer to finding 'the pure 1' dependent on NOT going back down that road? I believe God puts us in positions of discomfort for specific reasons. Hold up, that was wrong. I believe God allows us to put ourselves in positions of discomfort for specific reasons. Good or bad, I'm trying to get something out of it.

I feel like I'm been scraping the bottom of every container/jar I come across. Every1. Empty. Yet when I pass the jar off to some1 else it always seems like that sh*t fills right back up. Another reason I try to avoid getting caught up on things that don't concern me. It'll have you bugging out.


That feeling of embarrassment is flushing over me again. I think too much, which isn't a problem when you can handle what you conjure up. Let's just say my hair is getting thick again.



SMH at those who I thought would put 2 and 2 together with this through normal everyday observations... My waves were so OD... How I miss them.

Thing is, I've been conditioned in someway to feel like I can't have things from the past like that. Simple, not really, but it REALLY is. Please don't get confused like so many other times I'm just writing to myself forgetting there's some1 peeking over my shoulder.

Hey Nic CHILL with all that running lol I can't keep up with all that distance mess. I hate running. 'True story'. Thanks for the support. =)

Yooo I think these Harlem n*ggas but something in they music that invokes some sort of chemical inbalance in me that allows for 'touchier' listening (pause, pause, and pause)




Dead*ss though throw on some Juelz, Cam, Dipset, or Charles and it's a wrap for my introspective thoughts. They find passion and go to work on her and it all sets me in an emotional trance. I love it, but people see me and think I'm bugging. I LOVE that, so I bug harder lol.

Things are looking up after such a dark beautiful morning. I don't know what the deal is but Jess and I have this tension circling around the spot. We are good outside of it but that spot there man... SMH instant battle grounds. I don't get it, but I'm good the sun's out and I'm just trying to bask in it and a few other things.


I realize this was all more or less a big tangent, I'd apologize but I feel like it's all relevant so read people! I'm working on that list still lol maybe I should post each individual emcee's profile when I finish it. It'd go faster that way... I should NOT have started with Eminem.

I'm 5000 though, ironically this was all written at the gym with no phone. Lol yeah it didn't take long though, back to the crib to see my baby and 'collect' more tunes.


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