P.S.

I win.


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Desensatized

People have a knack for pissing me off when I don't really have a means to nip it in the bud with a smart*ss strategically planned social network jab. It's ok as long as I can speak my peace. Even if the rest of the world doesn't get to see me make accurate rebuttals. I just can't STAND when some1 says I don't mean something I said I dead*ss meant.

I'm growing weary of those who are quick to put a situation out there, and just as quick to retreat. It's simple really, if you f*ck with me my genuine nature shouldn't be something that comes as much of a surprise. I'm me, I don't try to be something I'm not, and if I did I wouldn't be very good at it at all.

Phoniness is a deterrent I've long strived to push out of my life. I guess all this rambling on and on does very little to help the current situation/nonsituation. What I mean by all of that ^ is don't get caught in my life being phony.

Just don't. Dead*ss though why??

Is it fun to live behind insecurities? Hell no.  So who the f*ck is the genius who said let's allow people to befriend 1 another, just so long as they are dishonest and insecure about the truth's they may encounter. I'M HUMAN! I FEEL THINGS! WHAT'S MORE, I KNOW YOUR HUMAN TOO! SO GUESS WHAT THAT MEANS!?

I know you feel things too..

I try to carry myself as if it WERE me feeling whatever it is you feel. Not because I like doing it, but because I like caring about people I think/feel care about me. I like being able to return that happy feeling some1 gives me with just a look.

People poke fun at my behavior all the time, and that's cool. Just so long as I know when any of those people needed me, I didn't relegate them to the back. I showed the same love, respect, and curiosity throughout. In a a nutshell, I was ME.

I want to thank my father BD for being so damn stubborn. I cried for my man's Dale and Sean today. I love their babies more than they'll know, and I can't WAIT for the day yo... Let me leave it alone.

*Happy Father's Day*




Gone!

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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Can U Show Me?

This Drake song is my absolute favorite!! I'm really digging it u right now. listening to it on repeat, I just can really relate to the message at the moment. Or at least what I feel t message is supposed to be. It's exactly how I've tried to live my life out.

I'm here now, might as well have fun. So show me a muf*cking good time. I know how to have them and I'm confident I can elevate any situation open minds are present. People, all I want is some vice versa love.

"Then why are you always so quiet and mopey all the time??"

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Knowing how to have a good time and actually enjoying the times your in are 2 completely different things. I know I can throw my happy hat on if need be. I also know how fake that is in my heart. I hate being fake. I'd rather lose it all then have to sit with my mouth zipped.

Dead*ss My life is evidence. I'm trying to figure out who took notice. If you never reached out to me before I'm not 1 to boast about the ESP I don't have lol. Meaning I really can't read minds as much as I try to. Furthermore, I don't really do for others when others remain oblivious to the entire cause.

Little things make the big things go.


Gone!

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) N Kicked

I want to feel comfortable in front of the mirror again. That’s the number 1 goal at this point, an today I think I’m going to make some moves that’ll make that happen. I’m tired of not being taken seriously, so I’ll show them all.


It’s the passion that burns me up inside when thinking about the game I love. The distractions in my life keep taking me away from that. Potential is being squandered and while I have the guidelines in place to really elevate myself to another level, it all comes down to my will.

It has to be strong because no1 believes like I do.

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Whether that’s true or not is irrelevant because it’s true to me. While doing my best not to be consumed with the dynamic emotional responses this brings, I have to be mindful to become stern in my ways. The cool sh*t has to cease being that, and I have to pave a new path for my mind, body and soul.

People either laugh, or scoff sarcastically when they HEAR me say this, so I’m expecting no less for those actually reading. At this point, it really IS whatever though. Dead*ss I’m exhausted, confused, and unsure about how much more I can literally handle.

I’m even unsure about what’s being worth enough to try to handle, and that’s scary to be so unsure all the time at this point in my life. I’m sure I’m not the only 1 facing these kind of trials and tribulations, but I’m the only 1 I know speaking up.

Typing up…

If I could describe it to some1 I’d have to say every minute feels like a constant struggle with myself to figure out if I’m supposed to be mad or sad. Coin toss sh*t. Then it’s whether I should still smile, let it go, talk to some1, or deal with it on my own.

The thing about a lot of those options is this; I never felt like the majority of those choices were really choices. More like necessary things to do to keep yourself sane and out of question. I don’t resemble some1 who feels this way. Maybe to those who actually sit down and observe me, I just feel for the most part I’ve gotten too good at hiding it.

I don’t know, the only times I’m really not fighting to combat this are when music is filling my ears, or fantasy magic gives a target to my eyes (anime people). Funny how THOSE things end up getting manipulated by my thoughts too. Too many correlations I find to be parallels, while others just find me to be ‘something I’m not’.

Knowingly though, like I suppress myself into these fantasy driven landscapes as an escape to my own life. I’d agree if like I said, the comparison’s made and drawn to weren’t so… ‘fitting’. I’ve never had a problem telling it like it is.

My downfall is not telling it well enough to reciprocate the same passion out of the next person. Maybe even worrying about the next person at all. See, I want to connect with people, not live with my thoughts. It DOES get frustrating knowing there are some things that you are just going to have to deal with on your own.

Reason being, people can empathize, but very few can put themselves in another’s shoes. I feel like it really is my gift and curse for lack of a better phrase. I have to learn how to be comfortable dealing with the ‘undealable’ 1st… Why is all of the introspective stuff being written at the gym?? Lol ridiculous.

No more dark thoughts for a little while, I’m booking it to my happy place. Marley I MISS YOU!!! Hold me down baby!



*Afton*



Gone!




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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) Down

“tougher than the flesh, can’t nobody fuck with him. Not even the government! The best…” Charles Hamilton


I’ve been overthinking like CRAZY! Like sh*t that doesn’t deserve my (thought) process is getting the business. Definitely something to deal with, I just wish more people were available for me to bother. Talking to people that don’t really want to be bothered isn’t fun. I know because people do it to me all the time lol

I was definitely disregarding this little bit of info today though. With these new potential job opportunities I won’t really have a choice in order to be successful. Which is fine, comfort is something I’m trying to move away from.

I don’t want to be the bugaboy though, and I always seem to end up feeling that way. I saw my ladies today so that was cool. Char and Megherz were in the back getting it IN with their trainer. Lol I wasn’t joking either M to G’erz, your jump roping form is better than mines lol

I had Marley with me again, we are quite the team I must say. I know I found us a new spot where she can run around until she can’t take anymore. I’m excited about it cause it’s a wifi hotspot of sorts. Which meeeeeeaaaaaannnnnnsssss I can take all of you with me too!

I’ve been writing so much lately, well I guess since I said (on here) that I couldn’t really write anything as of late. That post had something I wrote in it, and it’s been coming or I’ve been forcing it. A little of both I’m sure, but I don’t care what the reasons, I’m just happy to be 1 with the page again… Sort of..

I’m happy to let go with my emotions. I wish there was some1 other than me to sit down and go through it with though. I’m actually very accustomed to it. Something tells me what I’m dealing with is going to make it very difficult to open up for any1 else anytime soon.

I want to open up to every1 I meet. Not the pointless random conversations I have with some of you. Although I DO enjoy those, but I want to be able to lean my head on a shoulder and cry if need be. Like now, I feel like my head should be buried in some1’s heartbeat.

I bet you all will still be greeted with a smile though. That’s frustrating… I feel like when I’m not that person something is wrong. Well something IS wrong, yet no1 shares my 6th sense for these matters. It has to be that, or they just don’t care.

I’m gearing up for the ‘vulnerable summer’, like I see the bottom approaching and I’m trying to save my face from getting anymore scarred up. Truthfully I’m just scared to leave scarred up, I have too many. What’s the problem with that? Little things becoming more problematic sticking to me like lent on static.

Look at me acting like I can tell the future.. Naah, but I read well. Literally, figuratively, most definitely emotionally.

Geanna do more. Please.

Indefinable, I know but I’m ready now.. Internet is no good now. Seems to be on some real vindictive sh*t as of late. Why me though??

I miss you all. I want you ALL to meet me again.



Gone!


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) Thin Lines

I guess a lot of truth IS said in jest. I hate that. Be about your f*cking mouth around me or be about being anywhere around me.

People got me going off the f*cking deep end right now, and now I’m going back to what eases me. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m worn out. I’m emptied. I feel like I’m being controlled and all I can do is watch not knowing whether to enjoy it, be furious, or saddened.

I hate this feeling. I hate these feelings. I hate isolated in a room full of people. Which is why I hate these feelings the most.

Here’s a question I’ve been thinking of… Maybe I should to some depicting first… Ok your walking and there’s nothing but blackness around you. There’s no scary wind or anything like that chill, (lol) there is mist flowing like a river. It serves as your only real guide, so you follow it. Step by step, until you reach the end where you are greeted with a ‘mistfall’ into a pit of darkness. Staring down into nothing.



Now if some1 you know and love asked you to step off the edge, would u?

Gone…


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

(old) irritation

I'm more irriitated right now then I've been all day. Good thing I had a good day right? Me n Marley were chillin tough today lol not really but she went EVERYWHERE with me, which was kind of cool. Took me back to my Kansas days, the big difference was she couldn't actually come IN many of the places I went to.


In Kansas no1 bats an eye when you bring a dog around. It doesn't matter how big or what it is either, which was cool. Anyway back to my irritation. I don't think I have friends that reciprocate well. I don’t want that to sound like a knock on them either, I just feel like I would do far more for them than a vice versa situation would allow.

I could just be overthinking once again though… This is 1 of those situations I really hope I’m the 1 that’s tripping out. You all should tell some1 what they mean to you, and stop taking people for granted. If I were a stronger individual my absence would be something imitating tattoos. Painful, permanent, and speak volumes to those who care.

I’ve had the same d*mn headache for 2 days running now. I’m thinking it has something to do with my mouth. Some tooth way in the back to be more exact, and its killing me slowly. The worst part is that my allergies seem to heighten the pain and discomfort.

Yo dead*ss people are so backwards. Example: Today I’m walking into 24 (hour fitness), and I was greeted with 3 of the most awkward stares ever. I was so confused, I thought I had missed something but it wasn’t me, or it was… See to hear THEM tell it (Cassie what up! ;-) ) I was too excited/happy, and THAT was weird.



*sighs*



I mean, Char WAS there lol. That reminds me too, I want to get into the mind of a girl that doesn’t want to be with her dude anymore. NOT TRYING TO GET AT THE GIRL. See I know what it’s like to feel stuck WITH some1, but that’s my own very male based opinion.

I’ve heard of girls staying with some1 they don’t want to be with anymore sure, but I haven’t heard why. The ‘why’s’ are the most important part! To me anyway.. I need to find all the ‘why’s’ I can.



*This song playing now..*(convincedindecision)



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Is the most comical representation of honesty on drugs. Smh but dead*ss.

There’s not enough ping pong going on, and that’s going to lead to obsessive compulsive behavior. Trying to give the heads up before it’s too late and my blog pays the price.

Realizing you’re not strong enough to deal with some things can be scary, but to me the realization that I’m not happy is depressing. Go figure. My face is killing me… AKA my head. I know how that sounds but it IS my face AND my head. This tooth is going to off me.



I’m REALLY lonely right now lol Marley hold me down!



Gone!






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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

To the Ladies

You don't have to look like a model to be beautiful. You don't even have to come close to looking like that.. So stop trying and do U.

Feeling extra guilty looking at a list for the '50 Hottest Brazilian Women'. No1 is doing anything wrong, except programming what is and isn't acceptable. So subliminal she can be..

I like em with no makeup who's brave enough for that?





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*More came to me and this post needed editing anyway*
I was thinking about those who ask me about their physical appearance which is absolutely fine if I'm not expected to lie. There's no fun in that come on take it like a woman! lol k that's it.


Gone!
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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Order

Sometimes you have to look in the mirror and accept reality. I'm trying to find this person BD speaks so passionately about. The "nice" person. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, he described him to me. As a matter of fact he frequently asks me what happened to him, as dead*ss as sh*t yo.




I have the answers too. 'The thing is, answering truthfully requires an honest look at myself. I've found myself staring into mirrors a lot. Not on some conceited type ish, but dead*ss seeing the age on my face. The years, the scars that have taken place. I'm NOT the same person anymore.



As different as my face is now to say 2 years ago is probably minimal compared to my soul. That's where the problem lies. I'm speaking on it so freely because I'm trying to understand the necessary steps I need to take to solve some things.

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It's important to remember I can only do so much regardless if my will believes otherwise. Some of the problems are direct results of people I have in my life, and that's not to say they have to be exiled out of mine but guidelines need to be made and met.

I've been doing a TON of pondering on the subject of heroes too. {no, not the dumb show that stole countless hours out of my life, that better get a made for tv movie tying/ending the storyline altogether.} I think I've cemented mine into my life at this point.

I used to/still do look up to some of the strangest things but the person/people in my heart I strive to make happy and go through each day for have remained the same. I don't even feel like putting it out there, but the measuring stick is going to have to reach ridiculously high in order for me to reach MY expectations in life.

Writing this now I'm feeling a bunch of emotions. but the overwhelming feeling I get is bitterness. The little things people take for granted, are things I missed out on somehow somewhere down the road. I have friend's that have the 'family life' I desired and the environment that spawns the type of thinking I found on my own.



I don't know, this is about the time a tangent comes in and takes over. I can't help it, but I'm good regardless I know I turned out alright. It's really not about that. I need the WORLD to know I turned out alright, and I don't even NEED that for me! All in all, it becomes very frustrating to want something you really could care less for so badly.



I used to get it IN for $$. If it ever came down to it would I do it again? Or is the answer to finding 'the pure 1' dependent on NOT going back down that road? I believe God puts us in positions of discomfort for specific reasons. Hold up, that was wrong. I believe God allows us to put ourselves in positions of discomfort for specific reasons. Good or bad, I'm trying to get something out of it.



I feel like I'm been scraping the bottom of every container/jar I come across. Every1. Empty. Yet when I pass the jar off to some1 else it always seems like that sh*t fills right back up. Another reason I try to avoid getting caught up on things that don't concern me. It'll have you bugging out.



*sighs*

That feeling of embarrassment is flushing over me again. I think too much, which isn't a problem when you can handle what you conjure up. Let's just say my hair is getting thick again.

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SMH at those who I thought would put 2 and 2 together with this through normal everyday observations... My waves were so OD... How I miss them.



Thing is, I've been conditioned in someway to feel like I can't have things from the past like that. Simple, not really, but it REALLY is. Please don't get confused like so many other times I'm just writing to myself forgetting there's some1 peeking over my shoulder.



Hey Nic CHILL with all that running lol I can't keep up with all that distance mess. I hate running. 'True story'. Thanks for the support. =)



Yooo I think these Harlem n*ggas but something in they music that invokes some sort of chemical inbalance in me that allows for 'touchier' listening (pause, pause, and pause)

#StopIt5



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Dead*ss though throw on some Juelz, Cam, Dipset, or Charles and it's a wrap for my introspective thoughts. They find passion and go to work on her and it all sets me in an emotional trance. I love it, but people see me and think I'm bugging. I LOVE that, so I bug harder lol.



Things are looking up after such a dark beautiful morning. I don't know what the deal is but Jess and I have this tension circling around the spot. We are good outside of it but that spot there man... SMH instant battle grounds. I don't get it, but I'm good the sun's out and I'm just trying to bask in it and a few other things.



LOVING MUSIC!



I realize this was all more or less a big tangent, I'd apologize but I feel like it's all relevant so read people! I'm working on that list still lol maybe I should post each individual emcee's profile when I finish it. It'd go faster that way... I should NOT have started with Eminem.



I'm 5000 though, ironically this was all written at the gym with no phone. Lol yeah it didn't take long though, back to the crib to see my baby and 'collect' more tunes.



1Gone!


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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Who Dat Though?

Don't get it twisted the videos mean somethng too. In this case this 1 means i'm excite to see the official video! lol smh



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Official video is droppng monday!
J. Cole has been killing it recently though. Any1 heard Higher?? straight heat right there..




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HEAT!!!! whoooweee! That song gets me so hype lol I was throwing chairs dead*ss!

"love is a gamble I aint dealing with no broke n*gga"


Gone!



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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

EMcee Promo

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Notice who's album I haven't mentioned yet? No beef with Drake, I'm still listening trying to decide if his album is 1 I want to get behind. Regardless support! Support! Lol its all relevant..



"I don't ever want to breathe if I'm needing assistance/just pull the plug/" Jean Grae -Dont Push Me



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Something to think about..

Gone!


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

I Dream of Jean(E)

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She's so ill. Your in mine Jean! Lol dead*ss though some things were just meant to be put on this blog. I wasn't looking for that but damn if it didn't speak volumes. It HAS TO hurt when your constantly proved wrong for the sake of trying to be right, but hey, I told you so.

She's so real. I wish every individual had her thought process when it comes to accepting music though, things would be so much better. Yo Jean has a potty mouth, and I think its sexy lol let me stop.

More videos coming I've been typing too much =)


Gone!

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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

First Things First

Thanks to every1 who prayed for mama Wilson. She's doing fine now, but there are still questions that I feel need to be answered. I'm just thankful, that's all I can really get across at this point. I overthought a lot of possibilities today, now I'm just trying to forgive.

Not because I'm ready to or want to either, its just the thought of not having some1 here that I EXPECT to be there really knocks me down.

No I'm not letting things go, but I will at the very least try to acknowledge and pay homage to 'the big picture'.


I'm celebrating tonight.



GONE!


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

2 Will Leave...

... 1 will return.






Productivity is the aim for the day. Not to be confused with my 'aim' accounts threnassanceboy and kingxpoetic. This little post was way too hard to get right. Let's have a good 1 people...









Gone!





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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Love... Sucks

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Familiar situation for any1?? I know what it is to be in this situation and not really know how to get out. Crazy. Only compounded by the other member being... well he said it all best really.
' but you temper's just as bad as mine is/ your the same as me when it comes to love your just as blinded/'

*shivers*

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Real talk Detroit lol stupid...

Gone.
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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Is That Right?

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*Sighs*


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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Troubling Thoughts

If you really love and care about people refrain from putting these into 1's head. Never does this result in positive results, at least not in my experiences. Neither here nor there however..

So many different sounds infiltrating my ears and I'm loving it! It's about the only thing keeping me from flipping out right now. That and Marley's pretty face =) I've already planned to lay my head wherever she designates tonight. Me and my b*tch.

I'm not feeling the double standards on words more than ever right now, Like its truthfully pissing me off a little bit. Recent arguments have made me think about things like this lol. Think about it though, when your upset, AND engaged in a verbal shootout aren't you trying to hit the other person? Maybe its just me, but I'm not going to get shot at and then shoot to mis by 5 feet. Just doesn't make sense.

With that said, what's the one word that women find offensive pretty much across the board? Taking that away is like saying I'm not allowed to snipe you when I clearly had the chance 5 min. ago on some 'Why don't you shoot him already! frustrating cliche movie sh*t' Its silly.

Anyway the frustration is felt in all categories from me rigt now. Freedom of Speech ftw =)

That's 2 smiley things in 1 post, I'm trIipn.That reminds me of Squishy, Meroki, Freakbody, Rora, Kansas and everything in it. Loving my memory right now.

More to say, but it can wait. I'm good now.





Gone!















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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

days turn to nights back into days...

I'm just really going off the deep end here. Part of me believes the inevitable move is not sitting well with where I'm supposed to be in the grand scheme of things. Distance. Tried that, no thank you. My heart's heavy and my mind's heavy.

Typing this I can feel my eyes slowly swell. I'm trying to decide whether to let the tears fall or to hold them back. I don't even know what the purpose of crying would be at this point, but cry away I just might. Jess is here but she doesn't know how to love me right. There I said it.

I try not to lose myself in fantasies of what 'may' be but I live in a fantasy world so it gets extra tough. My allergies are getting to me. Them on top of the heat already filling my head up are not a good mix. I'm dead*ss sweating shirtless with the fan blowing on me full blast.

I did A LOT of reaching out today, and I don't know if I was successful in what I was trying to do. The point is I reached. Tomorrow really needs to be about SOMETHING. I don't care too much the significance of what that 'something' is, but progress is the lane it needs to be in.

I don't know if writing to myself right now is helping or not I just know when I get to typing I can let my mind go a little bit. Listening to my itunes on shuffle. Its kinda ill, but I guess that's because it's mostly Eminem and Charles Hamilton at the moment. I'm having an issue getting that list together and that's definitely not a bad thing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Felt obligated to sift through my itunes for more 'variety' since I have guests over. I really don't like when that happens, I have to try to gauge how they feel about the sh*t I love. I could care less if they don't love it or even like it cause its mine, but now its easier to see why I wouldn' like being put in that role.

The night came and went, not much to say really the morning has been interesting and we haven't broken past 730 yet. No sex in Jess' room. Period, don't know how I feel about that. Let me be more blunt since privacy is less and less of a concern I'm good without 'a woman's touch' because I can ALWAYS have the melody.


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Even if it's a stranger to me.

As of right now I'm focused on reworking my itunes once again. I'm taking it back, so every artist I used to f*ck witth at 1 point is getting love. Cam, Juelz, and Dipset are the primary artists at the moment. Thanks for datpiff lol.

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Ok it's well into the day now... See how entries just sort of expand? Lol I took it a step further almost completed Charles' catalogue minus the exclusive cuts. 1 more to go for Eminem. Cam Juelz and Dipset I'm done with though, collected some old Drake and Wale, moving on to Jean Grae. I can honestly say I'm having the time of my life.

I'm actually quite the house cleaner when I'm focused... Which I'm not right now, so let me get back to that. Margot I see you something just for you soon!




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IF this post had a purpose or point I have since lost it.








Gone!

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 -/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Things to Look Forward To

This is specifically for tonight so lets get it!

I'm thinking some form of alcohol to alter the state ofmind that isn't mine. Maybe I'll find the old me??  Hmm I'll leave it at that. Food! I'm eating good tonight, and I'm not worried about another persons stomach 1 bit, I set this up for myself and people been acting SUPER shady!

Boondocks! Gotta love that show (Peep the older posts), and this 3rd/final season hasn't been too bad. My expectations are usually the same from episode to episode, be creative and make me laugh. I don't get caught up in all the contreversy, cause that's stupid. I'm hunting for smiles and laughs.

I'm trying to beat Modern Warfare 2 tonight. It'll happen, and I know I'm late on this but chill lol. I got the game played the single player campaign mode halfway through exactly in like 2 days, then hopped online. That was the end of my single player voyage right there lol online is a monster on that game.

*PS3 4Life or until something better comes*

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Sound familiar?

*scoffs at wedding vows*

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I COULD try and beat Final Fantasy 7 tonight as well, although I'm sure doing that would force me to actively be up through the night. I don't know, as much as I want to purchase Final Fantasy 8 I'm going to hold off on the prospect of finishing this off.


Can I just say I don't really like the show True Blood? Yes I know i'm in the minority here, but I don't care that show gives vampires country accents. *NOT COOL*

I may diveI deeper into 1 of my favorite anime shows Trigun. No finishing that tonight, especially with the sh*tty internet connections I've been experiencing. How about this though? I just stay up with laptop in... lap, and talk to you all? I like that idea, but probably the least likely to go down.

I miss those I haven't spoken to in awhile. i had to revert to myspace today *shivers*. I DO need to reactivate my facebook account to get to a certain individual but that's going to be purposefully brief. Hopefully more than a few people will be up with me keeping me company. But if not, then it's back to figuring out who's better than who in the rap world.


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No easy task. My head hurts from attempting earlier smh.

That's it for now though, time to disappear into the wind. Goodbye friends.

Gone!

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)

Lakers/Boston

As a fan of the Lakers I am beyong frustrated. As a fan of the NBA I am beyond frustrated. Has nothing to do with the outcome of these games either. All I have to say regarding the current status of this year's Finals is this; the best team will win.

If things go how most every1 predicted I'll be a happy laker fan in the next week. Some1 else not named Kobe Bryant, its ok to you know, step up and play. Just saying...

Gone!

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-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)