Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

Nothin but doubt.

So I've penned a letter to a very disputable parent. It is what it is (my favorite 'saying') I'm just saying I have a TON of emotions being put to page. Forgive me if my actions show that I don't care or my mouth gets outta control (ie SUPER reckless). Know it's coming from an emotional place, and it may actually be helping me to get it out the way I DECIDE to. Once again I'm finding myself on the outside looking into a relationship I've known too well for too long. I say the outside because I am constantly exiled, and apparently Chris is the n1gga she wants, but Chris hasn't been there for a minute so go figure. It used to be weird, but I'm okay with it now I guess.

What better time than now to say this; if your done with me be done. I'm about as forgiving as they come but I'm not into getting trampled on. Which is NOT to say I do nothing wrong, sh1t, I'm no good. I TOLD YOU THIS! *Flashes back to the Q&A sessions going unanswered and me too strung out to even care* Remember that... When you couldn't answer, I knew the answers and when you lied I knew why. But ah yes, by no means am I the saint *ain't*. Flawed as I am I know what it is I need or at least I tell myself I do. I also know what it is I don't need. If you haven't guessed by now I have an addictive personality, so keep it around me long enough and weeeeelll...... Good or bad it doesn't discriminate. Finding out what I needed gone and whatnot was half the battle. Now it's living with the decisions I'm making. I think I'll be okay but this has turned into a tangent once again. IF your not f*cking with me for whatever reasons it's not a negative thing. I will say I'm thankful for the times you WERE f*cking with me (heh). Plenty have up and disappeared some even right in front of me, so needing to get yourself away from the wreckage isn't a problem. As I said I remain thankful. However I can't put things on hold or in this case keep myself guessing when the next 1 will come around.

I appreciate the thoughts you all keep me in from time to time, mainly because it's nice to know others think about you the way you do them. Although I'm sure these mental interactions don't compare to the energy I'm putting out FOR you, I know it may be a step in the right direction. Honestly though? I just kind of laugh at a lot of you. I really struggle to think about what it is 1 might find appealing about me. So far the conclusion I've come across most is history. Well I certainly know history isn't repeating itself (Been there done that type sh1t) again. While trends may, I am not trendy so that lends even less possibility to the aforementioned.  (I love it when my free speech turns into something much more unintentionally)

Funny to me when I am asked about my well-being. Some of you need to take a look in the mirror. DEADASS! I wonder if the truth were more grim than I cared to share albeit being shared in this case, would you still show support? Would you stick your nose up? I know a lot of you would, and that's cool I guess. Not my cup of tea, but neither is judging people for believing or acting out in situations I don't believe or agree with. Stop feeling some kind of way about people telling you about yourself. Look at it as a sign of admiration, I know IF I didn't give a sh*t about whatever I just wouldn't open my mouth to speak.  Now what's worse? (goes back to the whole 'being here to annoy you' thing a couple posts ago) It's like really? Just grow up, and if some1 saying grow the hell up or the f*ck up is 'too much' congratulations you have shut me up indefinitely. What the f*ck they put in these peoples' water nowadays anyway?

I have no clue what this was supposed to be continuing on from, I do know I've written a lot (cause I've been told I was too much of a sensitive little b1tch so yes, I like to WRITE my feelings out.) because I'm not feeling well emotionally. A little unbalanced meaning the 'good' is GREAT and the 'bad' is definitely worse than the antonym for GREAT. I'm dealing with it, and probably not in the best of ways, but right now I'm more concerned with OTHER people in my life. It sounds bad but I just don't care about my own well-being anymore. Not now anyway, you are all so much more important, I just need to channel enough energy to focus long enough to get my message as clean and digestible as possible for you. For a lot of people it's curtains.

There was a time where I just did not give a f*ck. What was in my head was shared when I pleased how I pleased and I'm happy to say I'm feeling like that's right around the corner again. Hopefully this time around I'll be able to better articulate myself when the time comes. Cause if there's 1 thing I hate, it's being mislabeled unfairly. Take time to know me then watch as I accept whatever criticism you throw my way. I feel like it should work both ways and my character exemplifies this. Though to hear 1 tell it I'm a monster in the worst kind of ways.

Ladies I love you, and I'm sorry to say I have disrespected a part of what it means to be a lady by placing my hands on you (more than once). Definitely the thing I'm least proud of in life and a source of unlimited guilt. Well, I know how I feel about it and I know many of you are ashamed of me as you should be. You know, through all this, all I've ever thought is how can 'THEY stand by ME when I'M like THIS?'

'THEY' not being specific to gender, just loved ones. Well loved ones I'm sorry. I'll make it right somehow and I love you for loving me endlessly. As for the 'dart throwers' the muzzle is coming off.

*Got some great news through the twitter grapevine*

Anticipation indeed.

*oh and that list... drugs man.*
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