I find the most beautifullest thing. Yeah I know...
I resisted a strong urge to go post crazy yesterday. There was really no reason for me not to, a lot of stuff had my inquisitive senses bubbling. However, I resisted because doing what's comfortable is easy. Doing what we're used to isn't even a second thought. Habitual behaviors aren't necessarily good or bad, but in my case most of them have negative effect on me directly or indirectly.
So I went against what was natural to me and in doing so hopefully I'll gain a valuable perspective. I just want to be everything ever1 is to me. I find the most difficult thing about doing that is not offending any1 in the process. Hard to do, well who am I kidding? It's impossible, but I strive, I strive.
While I felt a lot of foul ish went down yesterday, it's okay it's over with and I'm cool with accepting that. I'm careful to make a descriptive note of the things bothering me, and the things that stand out for whatever reasons. I took a different approach and was truthfully disappointed with the results. I don't know, for me when I act with some1 solely in mind and it doesn't yield very attractive results I get frustrated. AKA Revert back to what I know, the 1 person that'll let me down and I just have to live with it (or would I?).
Ironically enough when I get reclusive I get all kinds of new sh1t to deal with, compounding the feelings I was already harboring. I honestly feel like I work harder at changing things about me for others than most. It's starting to get to the point where I have time to myself like today, and I decide to keep it that way. I don't know what to do or where to go right now, I just know I did what was uncomfortable to me and still came out on the bottom with every1 sh1tting on me.
I'm not exaggerating either, people are so fickle.. Now all of a sudden I'm supposed to forget what you did, or how you acted? The fact that you turned your back? See, with me as much as I love to hang my hat on the fact that I do forgive, and I am loyal. It's incredibly hard for me to look past people doing me wrong, when I consider their motives and perspective. I can understand it, but it f*cking hurts. I'm sick of feeling like sh1t to myself. About myself, only to turn and then catch more of the same from whoever.
I'm just gonna breathe and move on. Yet, knowing I'm at this point I'm still tested and tempted. Every1 else has been cut off, or communication has stalled and I'm still here blogging. Still doing the same thing I was doing when EVERYTHING WAS GREAT. People got some nerve talking about people changed. No, I've just seen more to let me know when somethings aren't right. I don't sugarcoat or try to hold my tongue, I'm just trying to be me. Who just so happens to be trying to be free. Don't see me with the confines you place around others to surround every idea and make it fit the norm. PLEASE.
So sick of everything. I've want to get rid of this unhappy feeling. I'm trying, but at the same time I feel like I got til Wed. to live. F*ck the bs, f*ck the stress. IF you had less than a week to live how much bs would you put up with? F That, Like I SAID I'm tired, AND SICK. Just want good things and because I can't control any of that I'm shifting my focus once more. This stagnancy is so unappealing. These thoughts aren't cool. The only time I feel like I'm at peace is when I sleep, and you might not wake up from that. Or getting up, but your dying quicker for that. I don't know what's left to be pouring it out.
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