Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Monday, June 14, 2010

days turn to nights back into days...

I'm just really going off the deep end here. Part of me believes the inevitable move is not sitting well with where I'm supposed to be in the grand scheme of things. Distance. Tried that, no thank you. My heart's heavy and my mind's heavy.

Typing this I can feel my eyes slowly swell. I'm trying to decide whether to let the tears fall or to hold them back. I don't even know what the purpose of crying would be at this point, but cry away I just might. Jess is here but she doesn't know how to love me right. There I said it.

I try not to lose myself in fantasies of what 'may' be but I live in a fantasy world so it gets extra tough. My allergies are getting to me. Them on top of the heat already filling my head up are not a good mix. I'm dead*ss sweating shirtless with the fan blowing on me full blast.

I did A LOT of reaching out today, and I don't know if I was successful in what I was trying to do. The point is I reached. Tomorrow really needs to be about SOMETHING. I don't care too much the significance of what that 'something' is, but progress is the lane it needs to be in.

I don't know if writing to myself right now is helping or not I just know when I get to typing I can let my mind go a little bit. Listening to my itunes on shuffle. Its kinda ill, but I guess that's because it's mostly Eminem and Charles Hamilton at the moment. I'm having an issue getting that list together and that's definitely not a bad thing.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

Felt obligated to sift through my itunes for more 'variety' since I have guests over. I really don't like when that happens, I have to try to gauge how they feel about the sh*t I love. I could care less if they don't love it or even like it cause its mine, but now its easier to see why I wouldn' like being put in that role.

The night came and went, not much to say really the morning has been interesting and we haven't broken past 730 yet. No sex in Jess' room. Period, don't know how I feel about that. Let me be more blunt since privacy is less and less of a concern I'm good without 'a woman's touch' because I can ALWAYS have the melody.

Even if it's a stranger to me.

As of right now I'm focused on reworking my itunes once again. I'm taking it back, so every artist I used to f*ck witth at 1 point is getting love. Cam, Juelz, and Dipset are the primary artists at the moment. Thanks for datpiff lol.

Ok it's well into the day now... See how entries just sort of expand? Lol I took it a step further almost completed Charles' catalogue minus the exclusive cuts. 1 more to go for Eminem. Cam Juelz and Dipset I'm done with though, collected some old Drake and Wale, moving on to Jean Grae. I can honestly say I'm having the time of my life.

I'm actually quite the house cleaner when I'm focused... Which I'm not right now, so let me get back to that. Margot I see you something just for you soon!

IF this post had a purpose or point I have since lost it.


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