I can flip shit anyway I kick it to myself when I tune in to my fitted. I show others and they don't get it, understanding is quite missed. But still, I find my shield in my own solace. So fuck how you feel aint been change in my wallet since I dropped out of college. Like knowledge is something I don't need to acknowledge cause the gems they was dropping had no keys for unlocking my mind. Like a broke locket you wouldn't find a picture even if you knew the scripture to unlock it. I guess that doesn't mean it's broke just means you probably should've tried to spot it before you bought it and was the butt of this joke.
^
^
^
If I remembered my rambling that cause this we might be onto something. Halo is ill though, that I know with confidence. Looking back I know I was hurt a lot of truth that normally wouldn't came out. Sooooooo that means pain. I'm tired of others hurting around me, and exhausted from the physical pain I feel that may or may not be in my head. Regardless my body hurts in places that leaves me less than wasted feeling like I'm nothing near basic but still tripping as if somebody laced it.
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Just say it please
^
^
^
I struggle with whether or not your listening, then I struggle with whether or not I'm wrong. Taken but not forgotten. Gone but not taken. Whatever. I'm here, taken or not. Never mind what my imagination says we are or could be, knowing that the reality is we could've been. The 1 I'm with clueless...
But I may not be with her or any1 for that matter, could be with you but then I'd really come across as foolish.
Time will tell I guess.
^
^
Time is tight though. I'm patient.
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
Careful...
Appearance is important. Yet I do not care about appearance. I have a need to care about how you all see me appear to be in your eyes. Such is necessary for monetary purposes. Yet and still, I do not care. Simply because I don't know who I am to each of you individually, but I know it's not who I AM.
I was talking to a very beloved friend of mine and a concept of ownership was brought up (whether she knows it or not). Well, feelings and ownership... Basically it's not fair to say that I can't love what I can't/don't have. Word??? In the case of others and the image you uphold in your head, how can you really be sure you have the 1 you "fell in love with" anyway if the image you hold onto is the 1 in your head. Confusing...
Stay with me in my head things play out much more.... *sighs*
I am not the same person I was a day ago.
If the above statement is true, and it is. Imagine how much I've changed in a months time. 4 months. Half a year. Now a full year. Obviously we can continue on, but the point is I've changed a lot. For some of you while I know why I am appealing to you I question why I would remain so after all that we've been through. (Guilty)
I question if the person you miss is me, or if it is in fact the memory you had of me that I once fulfilled. Well, I don't question it I know that's what it is. That in itself hurts to come to terms with, but the truth is many of you would turn your noses up in disgust. While I'm stuck being disgusted with stuff I try to bury within me.
^
^
^
Not a great feeling when you feel like you aren't you anymore. Even worse when you have to face those that loved the old you, in spite of the 1's that know the new you and aid your transformation daily.
Let me chill. I'm focused with what I want to say, just not sure it should be said. So I won't I'll chill, but I'm hurting. I don't think I've ever came out and said that outright, but that's what it is. I'm in so much pain. Some of it was just bad breaks, a lot of it self inflicted, hence why I haven't said anything. But f*ck even junkies need help, and well... Ya'll just pray for me when/if this ever gets to you.
I need to go find my own help, and I FEEL like I need things to help me deal with what I'm feeling. That alone is a terrible demon to deal with. I think about the things I was, or how I used to deal with discomforting pain and my memory conveniently fades. When it comes back in I realize it wasn't so much what I was doing, but who I was with. What I was doing didn't even matter but my pain has always been padded by the walls of my friends aka extended family.
Anyway I'm real dolo these days, so it's hard to care what some non exec n1gga thinks about what I look like when I'm surrounding myself by what makes me comfortable. I'm past the physical aspect of trying to appeal, and I've found that money really has no place for me at the moment. Bills will be paid the rest will be played with type of sh1t...
^
^
^
Every1 seemed to forget how hard I go with my playful sh1t like I wasn't a playful kid through all this. Well, I have no problem jogging memories, I just hate jogging... Or any running for that matter. Know well that while doing what I hate, and at the same time giving you a taste I'm so far gone into what I just made. ... And n1ggas talk to me about drugs, well I'm off those.
I do get it now though (speaking to no 1 specifically) and my appreciation for 'it' has only risen. People are as fickle as can be, and I love people, what's that make me?
Nothing too deep, just a fickle people lover that can't let go... Or a teacher.
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
I was talking to a very beloved friend of mine and a concept of ownership was brought up (whether she knows it or not). Well, feelings and ownership... Basically it's not fair to say that I can't love what I can't/don't have. Word??? In the case of others and the image you uphold in your head, how can you really be sure you have the 1 you "fell in love with" anyway if the image you hold onto is the 1 in your head. Confusing...
Stay with me in my head things play out much more.... *sighs*
I am not the same person I was a day ago.
If the above statement is true, and it is. Imagine how much I've changed in a months time. 4 months. Half a year. Now a full year. Obviously we can continue on, but the point is I've changed a lot. For some of you while I know why I am appealing to you I question why I would remain so after all that we've been through. (Guilty)
I question if the person you miss is me, or if it is in fact the memory you had of me that I once fulfilled. Well, I don't question it I know that's what it is. That in itself hurts to come to terms with, but the truth is many of you would turn your noses up in disgust. While I'm stuck being disgusted with stuff I try to bury within me.
^
^
^
Not a great feeling when you feel like you aren't you anymore. Even worse when you have to face those that loved the old you, in spite of the 1's that know the new you and aid your transformation daily.
Let me chill. I'm focused with what I want to say, just not sure it should be said. So I won't I'll chill, but I'm hurting. I don't think I've ever came out and said that outright, but that's what it is. I'm in so much pain. Some of it was just bad breaks, a lot of it self inflicted, hence why I haven't said anything. But f*ck even junkies need help, and well... Ya'll just pray for me when/if this ever gets to you.
I need to go find my own help, and I FEEL like I need things to help me deal with what I'm feeling. That alone is a terrible demon to deal with. I think about the things I was, or how I used to deal with discomforting pain and my memory conveniently fades. When it comes back in I realize it wasn't so much what I was doing, but who I was with. What I was doing didn't even matter but my pain has always been padded by the walls of my friends aka extended family.
Anyway I'm real dolo these days, so it's hard to care what some non exec n1gga thinks about what I look like when I'm surrounding myself by what makes me comfortable. I'm past the physical aspect of trying to appeal, and I've found that money really has no place for me at the moment. Bills will be paid the rest will be played with type of sh1t...
^
^
^
Every1 seemed to forget how hard I go with my playful sh1t like I wasn't a playful kid through all this. Well, I have no problem jogging memories, I just hate jogging... Or any running for that matter. Know well that while doing what I hate, and at the same time giving you a taste I'm so far gone into what I just made. ... And n1ggas talk to me about drugs, well I'm off those.
I do get it now though (speaking to no 1 specifically) and my appreciation for 'it' has only risen. People are as fickle as can be, and I love people, what's that make me?
Nothing too deep, just a fickle people lover that can't let go... Or a teacher.
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
Monday, November 29, 2010
Nasty humble pie
haugh·ty
[haw-tee] Show IPA
–adjective, -ti·er, -ti·est.
1.
disdainfully proud; snobbish; scornfully arrogant; supercilious: haughty aristocrats; a haughty salesclerk.
2.
Archaic . lofty or noble; exalted.
*understanding*
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
[haw-tee] Show IPA
–adjective, -ti·er, -ti·est.
1.
disdainfully proud; snobbish; scornfully arrogant; supercilious: haughty aristocrats; a haughty salesclerk.
2.
Archaic . lofty or noble; exalted.
*understanding*
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
Lovely Dovey
I like Doves.
Direct result of witnessing very influencing media as a child, but nah, when I wake up and see doves I feel at peace (Guess what movie shaped this outlook for me). They say don't use 'very'... I listen because I'm a student of writing, but I don't agree. So like all things disagreeable, it goes on my blog. English is a tough 1 to get down though, so it's only right (in my eyes) to admire those who have an above average mastery of it.
#workinonit
Just don't look for it here lol.
Feels peaceful this morning and I love it. Got everything that needed to be done out the way before the sun kissed my eyes, and now that we are grossly involved in an intense make out session I feel it's best to pay attention to the little details. Can't be sloppy-moppin it up when I hit center stage. Which is to say I need to be on point before others can catch me leaning.
^
^
^
Even the entries are back to being full of thoughtfulness and unknown unabashed hope for something greater. LOVE when I'm in this zone, and Rough n Rugged does too. I swear I forgot the name of my berry, and I apologize, we've been through too much to go out like this. Really. Time brings evolution, which is a fancy way of saying sh1t won't be the same it was a year from now. Accept it, dissect it (that's what I'm good at), and keep it moving in your lane right?
Gotta think of better names... Rubin is still good though.
I have some pretty awesome friends. Yeah, they're all female and yes that does cause problems, but I can't honestly complain. I've been stuck thinking about what I want and complaining about what I don't have. It's getting much easier to see what's in front of me and that's a blessing right there. Should they need something I would do my best to provide, but it's always been that way when I'm in a position to. For now, I hope my words and kind interactions suffice and when the time comes, their little 1's are going to have a positive male to look up to.
I have Jess and her family, which means I have family! More family lol, mine has been regulated to very small numbers. The thing about family is you can't get rid of them, you can't erase the fact that they are related to you. Extended family shouldn't be the same way, but in my heart I know what it is with those guys too. For now, I'm happy to say I got 2 G'd up little brothers. Lol they killers with you all (ladies), and that annoys many while allowing me to smile. Big plans for them. BIG PLANS. Jess, you may just be the craziest girl I've ever met. Maybe, but I love you.
Marley!! Haaaaa what else needs to be said after that? She's the biggest dookie this side of the map and she LOVES me like no other. I swear she has healing powers. Just acknowledging God's slyness.
Anyway productivity is the aim again today. I've started off alright, might have lost some time getting lost in my writing spell and then this entry... However it's okay. 1st game of the season tonight! OD excited, hardware year!! Wait, I have kids too! Little brothers and kids with kids... Wow.
Hinted about... a year ago (lmao dead*ss though look it up) gonna start doing some work with visuals. Got a special place for us to go and think on the abstract we see around us, and a place where English majors and professors can go to kiss my insanities ass. I want a living room with the best entertainment system installed in it for EVERY1! that's a lot more wishful thinking than it is a possible reality (I can't control what ya'll do, not even the reading of these words), but then again,I'm tired of people shooting down my imagination...
^
^
^
I'm gonna rant for minute. Just because the harsh realities of life are all around us doesn't mean we have to succumb to them. Resiliency is a trait I've been proud to carry around with me, and until recently I let people chip away at it. That's wack in itself, but I know I fell victim of 'believing the hype'. Never again. I don't care how grim a situation looks I won't allow another's outlook to shape my own when I can't understand or agree with where they are coming from. Not malicious, its just I'm trying to build myself back up to where I feel I should be.
Margot told me to literally say what I was thinking out loud, and it wasn't pretty at all. I did learn that I had issues beyond where I was at currently though. It made me want to take a step back (and I did), reevaluate everything (check), and figure out the root of the problem... you know that caused the other problems to "sprout" (done). It is what it is (*or what it gotta be* ;) Ultimately, your going to either take, accept, or change your situation.
Damn I almost forgot starchasers lol they are by far the most OD of any fan base I've ever encountered, but I love them for their ability to connect in unison over a common goal. Definitely helped me through some nights. BluStar. whatup!!? All starchasers are welcome at any time.
Chris is doing what he's doing, living around those that are deceitful liars at best. I don't know how he puts up with it, cause I wouldn't but more power to him too.
I would LOVE a huge favor for any1 reading this, but specifically the people I interact on a regular basis (had to stop and think of if any of our interactions are very 'regular' based lol). If you could give me 1 of your favorite artists, and from that person 1 of their bodies of musical work to listen to. Doesn't matter what it is, album, compilation, mixtape, soundtrack, whatever. Just give me an artist of your liking, it'll make for some interesting convo's some time down the road.
Positivity positivity positivity! I'm positive staying in this mind state will elect greater happiness to the forefront of my existence for myself and those around me.
Musical pallet is now shifting very slowly from punk rock to a smoother softer country scene. Rubin is handling it all as I expected, and I thank him.
Writing... I'd like to say I've gotten, or am getting better, but I don't believe that to be the case. THAT sucks! Lol I'm not happy about laughing at myself due to my stagnancy with the pen and pad, but positivity will reign. As it WILL rain. prophetic type sh1t.
I am getting better at talking to myself. Lol sounds weird but that's exactly what it is. It's amazing what you can train your mind to do. adapting words at a rapid rate gives me a new kind of rush, and I can't wait to show some1 with some confidence. a week's worth of more time with myself and I may be ready. SMH I just thought of about 5 different ignorant scenarios that could occur due to my confidence in my brashness with words. They all seemed exciting (camera time).
Hungry, laundry, more writing. Gotta get it in, Ionno when you'll hear from me in the future again, but my past tells a story those close to me might be interested in. I mean 'Wild Misinformation' any1?? Sasha thank you 1,000 times for taking the time to read, and then comment lol I read and I don't like leaving comments, so I know. But thank you, it's greatly appreciated.
I have goals to set now. See me when you see me!
*Unedited cause we don't edit sh1t in the future*
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
Direct result of witnessing very influencing media as a child, but nah, when I wake up and see doves I feel at peace (Guess what movie shaped this outlook for me). They say don't use 'very'... I listen because I'm a student of writing, but I don't agree. So like all things disagreeable, it goes on my blog. English is a tough 1 to get down though, so it's only right (in my eyes) to admire those who have an above average mastery of it.
#workinonit
Just don't look for it here lol.
Feels peaceful this morning and I love it. Got everything that needed to be done out the way before the sun kissed my eyes, and now that we are grossly involved in an intense make out session I feel it's best to pay attention to the little details. Can't be sloppy-moppin it up when I hit center stage. Which is to say I need to be on point before others can catch me leaning.
^
^
^
Even the entries are back to being full of thoughtfulness and unknown unabashed hope for something greater. LOVE when I'm in this zone, and Rough n Rugged does too. I swear I forgot the name of my berry, and I apologize, we've been through too much to go out like this. Really. Time brings evolution, which is a fancy way of saying sh1t won't be the same it was a year from now. Accept it, dissect it (that's what I'm good at), and keep it moving in your lane right?
Gotta think of better names... Rubin is still good though.
I have some pretty awesome friends. Yeah, they're all female and yes that does cause problems, but I can't honestly complain. I've been stuck thinking about what I want and complaining about what I don't have. It's getting much easier to see what's in front of me and that's a blessing right there. Should they need something I would do my best to provide, but it's always been that way when I'm in a position to. For now, I hope my words and kind interactions suffice and when the time comes, their little 1's are going to have a positive male to look up to.
I have Jess and her family, which means I have family! More family lol, mine has been regulated to very small numbers. The thing about family is you can't get rid of them, you can't erase the fact that they are related to you. Extended family shouldn't be the same way, but in my heart I know what it is with those guys too. For now, I'm happy to say I got 2 G'd up little brothers. Lol they killers with you all (ladies), and that annoys many while allowing me to smile. Big plans for them. BIG PLANS. Jess, you may just be the craziest girl I've ever met. Maybe, but I love you.
Marley!! Haaaaa what else needs to be said after that? She's the biggest dookie this side of the map and she LOVES me like no other. I swear she has healing powers. Just acknowledging God's slyness.
Anyway productivity is the aim again today. I've started off alright, might have lost some time getting lost in my writing spell and then this entry... However it's okay. 1st game of the season tonight! OD excited, hardware year!! Wait, I have kids too! Little brothers and kids with kids... Wow.
Hinted about... a year ago (lmao dead*ss though look it up) gonna start doing some work with visuals. Got a special place for us to go and think on the abstract we see around us, and a place where English majors and professors can go to kiss my insanities ass. I want a living room with the best entertainment system installed in it for EVERY1! that's a lot more wishful thinking than it is a possible reality (I can't control what ya'll do, not even the reading of these words), but then again,I'm tired of people shooting down my imagination...
^
^
^
I'm gonna rant for minute. Just because the harsh realities of life are all around us doesn't mean we have to succumb to them. Resiliency is a trait I've been proud to carry around with me, and until recently I let people chip away at it. That's wack in itself, but I know I fell victim of 'believing the hype'. Never again. I don't care how grim a situation looks I won't allow another's outlook to shape my own when I can't understand or agree with where they are coming from. Not malicious, its just I'm trying to build myself back up to where I feel I should be.
Margot told me to literally say what I was thinking out loud, and it wasn't pretty at all. I did learn that I had issues beyond where I was at currently though. It made me want to take a step back (and I did), reevaluate everything (check), and figure out the root of the problem... you know that caused the other problems to "sprout" (done). It is what it is (*or what it gotta be* ;) Ultimately, your going to either take, accept, or change your situation.
Damn I almost forgot starchasers lol they are by far the most OD of any fan base I've ever encountered, but I love them for their ability to connect in unison over a common goal. Definitely helped me through some nights. BluStar. whatup!!? All starchasers are welcome at any time.
Chris is doing what he's doing, living around those that are deceitful liars at best. I don't know how he puts up with it, cause I wouldn't but more power to him too.
I would LOVE a huge favor for any1 reading this, but specifically the people I interact on a regular basis (had to stop and think of if any of our interactions are very 'regular' based lol). If you could give me 1 of your favorite artists, and from that person 1 of their bodies of musical work to listen to. Doesn't matter what it is, album, compilation, mixtape, soundtrack, whatever. Just give me an artist of your liking, it'll make for some interesting convo's some time down the road.
Positivity positivity positivity! I'm positive staying in this mind state will elect greater happiness to the forefront of my existence for myself and those around me.
Musical pallet is now shifting very slowly from punk rock to a smoother softer country scene. Rubin is handling it all as I expected, and I thank him.
Writing... I'd like to say I've gotten, or am getting better, but I don't believe that to be the case. THAT sucks! Lol I'm not happy about laughing at myself due to my stagnancy with the pen and pad, but positivity will reign. As it WILL rain. prophetic type sh1t.
I am getting better at talking to myself. Lol sounds weird but that's exactly what it is. It's amazing what you can train your mind to do. adapting words at a rapid rate gives me a new kind of rush, and I can't wait to show some1 with some confidence. a week's worth of more time with myself and I may be ready. SMH I just thought of about 5 different ignorant scenarios that could occur due to my confidence in my brashness with words. They all seemed exciting (camera time).
Hungry, laundry, more writing. Gotta get it in, Ionno when you'll hear from me in the future again, but my past tells a story those close to me might be interested in. I mean 'Wild Misinformation' any1?? Sasha thank you 1,000 times for taking the time to read, and then comment lol I read and I don't like leaving comments, so I know. But thank you, it's greatly appreciated.
I have goals to set now. See me when you see me!
*Unedited cause we don't edit sh1t in the future*
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Silent Observer.
^
^
^
Been crying to myself for 4 months now.
But
*I'm not gonna cry, not gonna cry....*
Anymore.
Open arms or cold backs?
_ _
-/Rebel2Society\-v(**)
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