Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Friday, June 18, 2010

(old) N Kicked

I want to feel comfortable in front of the mirror again. That’s the number 1 goal at this point, an today I think I’m going to make some moves that’ll make that happen. I’m tired of not being taken seriously, so I’ll show them all.

It’s the passion that burns me up inside when thinking about the game I love. The distractions in my life keep taking me away from that. Potential is being squandered and while I have the guidelines in place to really elevate myself to another level, it all comes down to my will.

It has to be strong because no1 believes like I do.




Whether that’s true or not is irrelevant because it’s true to me. While doing my best not to be consumed with the dynamic emotional responses this brings, I have to be mindful to become stern in my ways. The cool sh*t has to cease being that, and I have to pave a new path for my mind, body and soul.

People either laugh, or scoff sarcastically when they HEAR me say this, so I’m expecting no less for those actually reading. At this point, it really IS whatever though. Dead*ss I’m exhausted, confused, and unsure about how much more I can literally handle.

I’m even unsure about what’s being worth enough to try to handle, and that’s scary to be so unsure all the time at this point in my life. I’m sure I’m not the only 1 facing these kind of trials and tribulations, but I’m the only 1 I know speaking up.

Typing up…

If I could describe it to some1 I’d have to say every minute feels like a constant struggle with myself to figure out if I’m supposed to be mad or sad. Coin toss sh*t. Then it’s whether I should still smile, let it go, talk to some1, or deal with it on my own.

The thing about a lot of those options is this; I never felt like the majority of those choices were really choices. More like necessary things to do to keep yourself sane and out of question. I don’t resemble some1 who feels this way. Maybe to those who actually sit down and observe me, I just feel for the most part I’ve gotten too good at hiding it.

I don’t know, the only times I’m really not fighting to combat this are when music is filling my ears, or fantasy magic gives a target to my eyes (anime people). Funny how THOSE things end up getting manipulated by my thoughts too. Too many correlations I find to be parallels, while others just find me to be ‘something I’m not’.

Knowingly though, like I suppress myself into these fantasy driven landscapes as an escape to my own life. I’d agree if like I said, the comparison’s made and drawn to weren’t so… ‘fitting’. I’ve never had a problem telling it like it is.

My downfall is not telling it well enough to reciprocate the same passion out of the next person. Maybe even worrying about the next person at all. See, I want to connect with people, not live with my thoughts. It DOES get frustrating knowing there are some things that you are just going to have to deal with on your own.

Reason being, people can empathize, but very few can put themselves in another’s shoes. I feel like it really is my gift and curse for lack of a better phrase. I have to learn how to be comfortable dealing with the ‘undealable’ 1st… Why is all of the introspective stuff being written at the gym?? Lol ridiculous.

No more dark thoughts for a little while, I’m booking it to my happy place. Marley I MISS YOU!!! Hold me down baby!



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Or am I just... Senseless?