Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Thursday, June 24, 2010

What A Night

Wowoworrrrrd wowowowowowowowooorrrrrrrrdddddd!!!!  Indicative of how I’m feeling right now. This night is going to be fun I’m excited to get out of my head and into others’. I’m chill I’m exhausted as sh*t but I got my little nap in.  Ehhh it was more like me desperately trying to keep my eyes open to respond to various emails and job apps. Definitely didn’t work, and my efforts were very futile.
Extremely so. The thing that got me about it was I felt 10x’s more sluggish when I finally snapped out of it an hour and a half later. I’m afraid my eyes are going to seal shut tonight lol. I’m yawning like crazy and they burn!  These are not details any of you really need to know, but then again what are details any of you REALLY need to know?
This weekend I am going to cross over. My pops is taking my mom’s to New York, and though I am hugely disappointed that I don’t get to accompany them on the trip, I’m looking forward to watching that house for them lol. Guess it’s a tossup??
I had a crazy little realization with Marley being all ‘high and sedated’ today. I HAVE to do better for those around me. Not on some take care of them sh*t but I have to be nurturing with my words and my time. There’s so much craziness that goes on in the world, and no minute is promised. F*ck a day. F*ck a tomorrow too. I started getting so excited for them until I couldn’t anymore.
Just taking it minute by minute. I’ve dead*ss switched moods in less time so I’m good with that prognosis to my diagnosis.
What does Marley have to do with any of that? That’s my f*cking ya’ll know. I guess it was around 3 weeks ago carrying her bloody body pressed against mine back to my car. My thoughts were going everywhere they didn’t need to at the moment. I thought my dog was going to die. Or rather, I feared she could be hurt bad enough to die.
That’s the 2nd time I’ve legitimately felt that way, but this time was different. The 1st time she was choking to death right in front of me due to her chain collar we got for her. I still don’t know how we untangled that thing in time for her to make it, and that was Traumatizing beyond belief. You should see me walk her now.. digressing.
Carrying her like that though (when she was bloody from her car accident) really had me feeling like I was carrying my child or something. That’s what she means to me, and I’d do anything for her diggy?
*Bring it all back*
So my epiphany was this: I’m going to be 1 great Daddy. I’ve had to be around all my dudes with their seeds and just kind of envy what they have quietly. I’m not talking about the glitz of having a child either. I understand it’s a full-time job. It’s the only job I’ve ever ACTUALLY planned out and stayed up late at night thinking about.  I’m ready. Like now, right now. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on who you’re talking to I know I’m not in a position to make that happen. I mean there’s no doubt in my mind the day it’s planted I’ll undergo a superhero origins story of sorts and transform in mind and spirit over night.
That’s the way I planned it anyway. Unrealistic yes, so I chill. Still ready, waiting for the day the dollar signs add up with 1 of my true desires.
The cause that’s dead*ss bigger than me, is the 1 my soul longs to keep.  

Of course irritation had to set in before I finished what was otherwise a tension free entry. This is good though, it must be some sort of test. I see you big fella’, and I raise you… Jeanius. Yeah I’m betting with music, can’t afford to do it the real way.
Here it comes, more stupid sh*t from people that want you to do them. Why can’t I just do me?? A question I ask myself frequently only to get answer I don’t really respect all that much. Woooooow did I just get told the car was going to do because I was sitting with the passenger seat open? Is that even possible? The keys weren’t in the vehicle… That don’t even sound right yo.
Anyway my 2nd epiphany was that I need to treat people better publicly. I’m an emotional dude. People close to me should know this, that’s how I feel anyway since I do know their little perks and quirks. That makes sense right? I assume those I’ve let in understand this.
Why don’t you understand this?  This has truly become a little exhausting in itself lol.

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Or am I just... Senseless?