Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Monday, May 30, 2011


I woke up way too early off a small amount of sleep and I wasn't stressing that fact 1 bit. I woke up with strange question though. If the end is the end, when do you part ways? When do you say goodbye??

There's 1 thing I'm actually trying not to do, and unfortunately I'm probably prone to doing it anyway. Hurting people I care about it is something I wish to NEVER do. I do it often sure, but I try to learn from my mistakes. It's not something I'm proud of, but I am proud to say that I am always on a path to
changing for the better.

There are more than a few situations where I've taken the low road and decided that the feelings of some I cared about weren't important enough to give f*cks about. I have since came back to my senses, apologized, and tried my best to live out that apology. So if it's the end, I just want to do this the best way possible for you. I know it seems kind of weird but I've been 'missing' from the house for a very precise reason.

I don't want to be unfair to people, and unfortunately when you do spend as much time with a certain group things are expected of you. I have brothers too now, though what's gone on between us has ALWAYS gotten in the way of what that relationship should mean, could mean. I still have to consider those people. I've tried believe me, I've gone both ways and down both paths, but I still find myself stuck morally.

There should be no show put on for any1. That's how I feel, but something tells me people haven't disclosed information correctly. I don't know how I feel about that. On 1 hand, hey great things are the 'same'. On the other things aren't the same we both know it, and we're very close to doing something permanent about it. Well more permanent then what's already been done.

This is a great time to mention that I don't trust much of any1 anymore. Not that people did anything wrong (they did), but people have shown me the truth. I've tried to ignore it like out in Kansas but we know how that story ended.

I don't want to walk around feeling like that, but I don't want to walk around feeling a bunch of things. I guess I want to be able to deal better, hide more. People really don't need to know how I'm feeling, the more I realize that the better I think I'll be. I'm good doing what I'm doing right now

(so lately 'write now' and 'righting' are occurring A LOT d(-__-)b )

That's my whatever the music's playing look. (And it is =) )

I just don't want the backlash that comes from saying "yes, I am changing the person you used to know. The person you may have fallen in love with at some point. That dude, probably won't exist anymore." You'd think that'd be cause for celebration or something...

You really gotta bear with me, not like many read anyway, I'm just trying to make up for all the stuff I'm erasing (ie. editing out) of these entries, people don't realize this is actually therapeutic to me. Dead*ss.

In Kansas me, Kiki, and Rora would sit in a room very close proximity's and individually create different blog entries that had nothing to do with the others. It was fun, we were together but separate and distant while being extremely close. Well that was the 'wave'. It helped, believe it or not Kansas is a tough spot to be in if the chips aren't right. Just a memory I remembered, dorm room blogging. Good stuff...

I've been doing this for sometime so I know where I'm going when I'm lost here. It doesn't matter I just keep GOING! That's the key most still haven't turned to open the door and discover what's on the other side.  Just try to keep going regardless.


Back to the topic. People I care about I don't want to hurt you, so know I'm trying at every turn. Every time I get an opportunity to better myself I'm taking it, for you and myself. I plan to build ME up so I can finally build YOU up.

Funny thing about this blog is that's what it was supposed to do. I was feeling pretty out there in Kansas, and I wanted others feeling like me to know 'hey, it's cool ya'll we got this'. It ended up being something much more. I discovered unless your in a position to help yourself your probably just blowing hot air.

I feel like the timing is right though, and I can finally stop talking like a psycho. Just watch what I do with a little bit of opportunity. I've been saying for the longest I just needed a foot in the door. I got that, albeit wrong door (for me) but it's still an opportunity I'm about to kill.

If people are still with me by the end of THIS journey, it'll pay off in more ways then 1.

Lol Who actually believes that?

Dead*ss though, what I AM in the minds of others needs to be established quickly.

*N1gga I'm really high off the Heem, The Haze*

*She's the color of the sun, the pedals of a daisy, I LOVE the color yellow on my lady*

Blog inspiration if you were wondering.

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Or am I just... Senseless?