Now it's this, blame.. Yup, I do.


Monday, May 30, 2011

Back alone.

But was I really ever in company today? See here's what YOU don't see. a long ride in the backseat saved only by a conversation with a unique young musician. Weed was shared time drifted. More of that goes on and on, it seems like the entire trip now. We wait it out 1 ride. After all, what's a trip without you forgetting something kind of necessary? I had no intention on being the 1 doing the walking back and forth and back, but there I was. I guess I thought to myself I had silently complained due to the lack of OUR chill time, the least I could do was take advantage of the time you definitely would be by yourself. I did that, but something happened over the course of this. Well no actually, more good than anything else. You found the missing items and we went on a semi-wack ride. Food... There is was. Either way after that debacle the energy was no longer there and the trip was over.

Now I appreciate being taken somewhere I really do. Thanks.

You even decided to remind me ever so kindly in so much better words to *stop talking like your girl dude cause I aint shit* I can admit to falling into that trap. That's just it though, we are not THAT. Not for the time being anyway. Will we ever get back to that? I'm not sure, and to be honest we haven't exactly shown any reason to think it would be a good idea. Yet here it is turn after turn, some forced interaction.

I don't think that was right... Or what I meant to say, but see SoCjP. I like that, I wonder if I'll remember it since it's meaning isn't recorded anywhere. I guess I just thought maybe she'll actually fix the things that bothered me when we were THAT. I think we're destined to see to different sides to this story though, and that ultimately doesn't bode well for the fate of our THAT.

Completely random, but if I could type in the color that actually appears on the blog I would write forever. Like I said, random.

Back to the heavy stuff.

I don't know what's going on, I just know these are the same type issues. I'm not even asking you to do anything about it. I think it's past time for all of that, I just want an understanding. One I don't know can be reached when we act the way we do. I'm very aware of a pattern that's reemerged. I can't blame any1 but myself because I have full control over it. That doesn't mean I don't recognize the signs that continuously pop up, and I have to question the motivation if the outcomes are mostly negative.

I don't even know why I bother with people that are untruthful though, I think it's because deep down I know that there aren't any who aren't that way. Can I say I've been truthful to every1? No, but then the level of truth is to be considered. I've lied to friends ironically for you, in order to spend more time with you.

I should stop talking in such general statements...

It's not very late, but there is no vehicle to leave if I wanted to. IF I wanted to there wouldn't really be anywhere to go. I could hit up some people to match, but what's the point in going through the hassle when I have everything I need, not to mention everything I would want to do. It's kinda wack being all this for myself... I mean, the 1 thing I'm missing is dead*ss my own spot with the working vehicle.

I'm not even tripping off a car like that right now, I'm on some foot it or back of the bus type sh1t for now. Now the living space... This is big. I have ideas, I have what I feel I would want to do. Best of all though, I have a solid plan that will work. I just want to be able to not be lonely, and that would end it right there.

That would shut a lot of people up too... Funny I just had a very innappropiate probably rude joke to make. Jokes are jokes f*ck it right? Just I'm practicing this thing where I only keep things to myself so as not to hurt the feelings of others, who come to my space to see what I'm writing to myself. Every1 knows these are like conversations right?

I explained it a couple years ago. There's literally rooms and furniture. decorations, paintings! This place has come a long way. There isn't an elevator or anything like that, but I'll tell you the couch is comfy as hell. Ottoman too, Good stuff.

-phone beeps signifying an alert of some sort.

Sadly, I don't know the alerts on my phone. It shouldn't be a problem, because it's normally on silent anyway (a 4 year fun fact for those supposedly in the know) and I'm supposed to be sending it in for a new 1. Long story short, the audio jack is slightly damaged resulting in repeated stoppage of the music. That's the FURTHEST thing from bueno!

Back to the phone... It's usually NOT anything I want to deal with at the time. Even long standing conversations are usually forced on my end. I've come to figure out that I often want more than the norm. People are content saying "this sandwich is good", or "I like this song". Where as I may say the same thing, however, I fully expect a 'why' to be thrown onto the end of those statements. I don't think that's too much to ask, we're not in middle school anymore, and even then I had to justify my words.

Furthermore, I want to know WHY you like something, because it lends clues as to who you are. I want to know your reasons and motivations behind the actions and things you choose to do on daily basis. Why wouldn't I?

I've tried to extract these things, and while I can eventually entertain myself in terms of creating the outcome I WANT to create. I've learned that isn't very fulfilling. Strangers are cool, it's like a game that makes me very giddy. The problem arises then, are you being you? Are they being them? People usually don't want to show their true colors. I for one am an *sshole. I display this often but it is either taken for sarcasm or shot over the heads of the intended audience.

Due to my own self awareness on the matter, I tend to keep myself quiet. Channeling the thoughts I have inward making small observations to myself to recall at a later time. When I go to review those observations I tend to look with an unbiased eye. That undoubtedly comes out when I write. There's that scenario.

Didn't feel like finishing. Don't feel like doing much of anything now, except maybe sleeping. I wouldn't mind watching something in bed until I passed out. Waking up early and getting up there. Me and Marley. Yes I know... Although regardless of how I feel, I'll still think hey I'm about to do this, I should see if she wants to. Never fails.

Just got done looking at my phone. More stress, more mess... For later. I can't do it right now, I'm bogged down with a lot. I might've talked about meeting new friends. That'll come... Now I'm just hoping it kind of starts to happen quickly. I'm tired of feeling like this. Not that any of this can change currently newness brings energy.

I had a crazy post written today. I started actually writing (my kind) and so it couldn't be posted. Maybe I'll just separate the 2. Archiving is so boring (LIE). I was going to fix this place up a litte more, it's been awhile since I last painted. Wondering where some individuals are. No I don't want to see them, just keeping my thoughts versatile like.

Feeling sad. I'd roll up but I think I would just pass right out. Not really worth the trouble it'd take to get it all set up for the 15 minutes of conscious relaxation it'll bring me. I just want to be numb though. Could go Mario or something a little more little. I don't really know. I'm dead broke, so basically I'm wishing these things up wondering why I haven't passed conjuring class yet.

I'm starting to realize that some people are going to do whatever they can whenever they can to hold onto what makes them comfortable. That's a sad thing, and I can't be apart of it... 1 thing is for sure, I hate being considered in conversations where 'using' is the subject matter. I don't use any1. If we are good/cool I expect the sames things you'd expect out of me. However, in my opinion you gotta play it like you would being a guest at a restaurant with another person paying. You observe and follow suit. I don't be up in every1's spot eating up their food drinking up their drinks. 2 things I can definitely do. I don't have much in terms of money either, but I make sure I'm not going through peoples' leftovers and what not.

I expect the same thing! Lol If I could plan to get my broke *ss lunch then you could do it with income. Sharing has never been 1 of my strong suits. Going to resist the urge to tell another inside joke that I would get. I'm lonely, another hour and I'll do what I said I wouldn't.

It's getting to the point I want to just donate a hefty sum and say "go that way", at least then I couldn't be accused of 'getting what I wanted, and bouncing'.



Why is it so hard to see things aren't working because nothing new is being done? For as much advice as you say you get it sure as sh1t isn't helping much. Again with the generalizations.

I'm bout to find a new zone soon, 1 that falsely represents success based on the outward appearance. It's such an interesting thing being able to transform and grab the attention whenever you want. I don't even want attention, I just notice those who do. Those who get it, those who crave it. Interesting indeed. 2I.

Nothing left to say, more changes coming.

All dual statements.

-Covers mouth

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Or am I just... Senseless?